Humabdos, Kevin, Shawdow, Zebson, Howard...

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Support for the family, posted by Bear on Sep 3, 2001

Thank you Bear,

Sally's in the bedroom now sleeping off the jetlag.  It has been rough on her because Alex was her closest relative in the RP.  She also lost her father when she was 5 and now of her original family of 7 only 3 remain.

I miss Alex too.  He always made me feel like family.  I have warm and sunny memories of playing chess with him on the long Superferry ride from Nasipit to Cebu; he beat me 2 out of 3 games.  He was a big strong Filipino guy, 5'8" and maybe 210.  I used to joke that when I retired in the RP he was going to be my bodyguard.

Jim

[Ray]

... in response to Humabdos, Kevin, Shawdow, Zebson, Howard..., posted by Bear on Sep 2, 2001

Bear,

I think that at this stage you are right to support your wife’s decision to make a break with her family. Like you said earlier, it’s her decision to make. Given the situation as you described it, I think you would be wise to not encourage or discourage her to have a close relationship with the folks back home after she gets here. I think you are doing the right thing.

It may seem unusual for her to take your side against her whole family, but that attitude is certainly not unheard of. I have personally known many Filipinas that cut all contact with most of their family members back home. I know several that have not returned to the Philippines in over thirty years.

If Don’s last sentence in his reply had said “(Many) Filipinas are surrounded by friends and family
constantly, the concept of ‘alone time’ is alien to them”, then I would agree with him. I don’t want to nit-pick the semantics here, but I think it is important to point out that Not All Filipinas are what we might consider overly dependent on others. Not even “most” according to my own experiences. Both my first and current wives are quite independent. And no, not all Filipinas are going to fall apart and get all depressed when their husband departs for work and leaves them home alone. Perhaps they would be more likely to have that reaction if you take off for work on the day after they arrive here, but it’s not a given that she will get all depressed or run to call mama back home as soon as she is left alone.

As far as alone time, belive it or not, even Filipinas like to be alone sometimes. To suggest that they can not survive without constant company is just wrong. That would indicate a very immature or insecure personality to me. My wife didn’t have many close friends when we met and she enjoyed traveling alone and doing many things on her own, but she is not a young girl either. I also know several other Filipinas who live alone and are quite independent.

My whole point is that it is dangerous to make generalizations. One man’s (or woman’s) experiences don’t necessarily mean that they are all that way.

Just enjoy your wife’s own unique personality and don’t be concerned that she is breaking any unwritten laws or taboos. If she has an independent, adventurous spirit, she will likely be just fine with little or no contact with her family.

Ray

[Jimbo]

... in response to Too many generalizations in this thread, posted by Ray on Sep 3, 2001

Ray,

My wife Sally left home at 17 to make her own way in life.  She worked in Manila for 8 years but couldn't really get ahead so she went overseas to work for the next 9 years.  She always helped her family although she didn't see them much and they never helped her very much.

Sometimes it took great courage on her part.  When she decided to go to work in Singapore, she sold all her belongings for the cash needed to 'tip' an agent and a corrupt official, to get a tourist visa.  She arrived in Singapore with P5 in her pocket and a few clothes in her bag - and 2 weeks to find an employer or back she goes.  A wealthy Singaporean Chinese lady looks her over and says "Come home with me and if my 5 year old daughter likes you, I'll hire you, but if she doesn't I'll bring you back here."  Sally was lucky, the little kid liked her.

Jim

[donb2222]

... in response to That's well said Ray!, posted by Jimbo on Sep 3, 2001

Most of the guys here are meeting Filipinas in their late teens to mid-twenties.  Yours and Rays experiences with older Filipinas are probably not typical to what many of the guys here may experience.  There is a huge difference between a 20 year old and a woman in her late 20's and 30's.   By the time you guys met your wives they had more time to mature and become independent people.  

Many guys take a young filipina away from the only people and culture she has known to a 100% different country (America).
Most Filipinas have not travelled much at all before they leave the Philippines.
To suggest that she is not going to be lonely and homesick is a bit much.  You can replace her family with yours, but it is still not the same.  Also, most filipinas cannot drive when they first arrive in America, so they do not have the option of leaving the house on their own.
During my 8 months in the Philippines I was the one that experienced homesickness.  Many times I craved familiar foods, people, language, television, everything.  
Since I experienced homesickness in the Philippines, I , of course, expected Vilma to be homesick and crave a little extra attention her first few months in America.  She calls her family once  a week,  and the happiness she experiences while talking to her family is definitely worth the price of the call.

Don

[Jimbo]

... in response to Experiences probably not typical, IMHO....., posted by donb2222 on Sep 4, 2001

Don,

I believe that was Ray's whole point: "Not All."  Also I was agreeing that many wouldn't "fall apart", not that many wouldn't be homesick.

My wife was very homesick for the first two months.  I had her calling the RP and HongKong every two or three days.  The neighborhood wives were a tremendous help; they took her out and about during the time that she didn't have a license and I was at work.

Regarding ages of Filipinas sought by PL board members, I always got the feeling that the median age might fall in the mid-to-late twenties area.

As for the age/independence link, many OCWs are only mid-to-late twenties (I realize that OCWs are not typical, but there are well over 200k of them out there).

Jim

[Ray]

... in response to Experiences probably not typical, IMHO....., posted by donb2222 on Sep 4, 2001

…about the age thing. My wife is 37 and had lived abroad for 4 years as well as in Manila and Cebu. No signs of homesickness yet after 5 months.

I don’t have anything against a guy wanting to marry a teenager, but I think he should be fully aware that she is Not matured yet and will likely need extra attention in dealing with the big move to another country. Personally, I think that a woman who spends most of her time with friends is much more likely to have problems when she gets here regardless of her age. I also believe that an 18-year-old is capable of being very independent, so there are many more things to consider besides age alone.

I agree that your newly arrived bride should have ready access to long distance telephone service to call home periodically. Weekly calls are reasonable, but if she needs to call home daily and talk for hours, watch out. Where some guys get into trouble is when they start getting horrendous phone bills after she gets here and find out she is on the phone to the Phils all day while he is working. Teach your new bride to control the phone costs or there may be some bad feelings and misunderstandings early on. I think the best way to do this is with pre-paid phone cards. That makes it much easier to budget the phone costs and keep things under control. It’s harder for her to comprehend the phone costs if she doesn’t have a clue what the charges are until the bill arrives a month after the call.

As for as the driving thing, I recommend having her take driving lessons and get her PI driver’s license before she comes over. The cost for professional instruction is about 1/10th of the cost over here. I think most mid-sized to larger cities in the Phils have driving schools. That will give her a big head start on getting a license in the States. I DO NOT recommend you try to teach your wife to drive yourself, unless you are one of the top ten most patient people in the world.

Ray

[donb2222]

... in response to Good points Don..., posted by Ray on Sep 4, 2001

My father taught me how to drive while holding a cigarette
in one hand, and a scotch in the other.  There is no way on earth I would teach anyone to drive, especially my wife.
I'll let the good people at Taggarts earn their money.
When Vilma first arrived I explained to her that I would receive a bill that shows exactly who she called, and for how long.  When she calls the PI, she has a kitchen timer by the phone so she will know when the 10 minutes are up.
The bills have been about $20-$30 a month, not an amount that I would ever complain about.
I always recommend that guys find a Filipina in their late twenties or older, not that I listen to my own advice since
Vilma is only 24.

Don

[donb2222]

... in response to Too many generalizations in this thread, posted by Ray on Sep 3, 2001

Yep, qualifiers can make a big difference in a post.
Unless a person writes "all" or "every" I tend to think they
are generalizing and/or just speaking from experience.
Sometimes I forget to throw in the qualifiers and people misunderstand.
Many of the Filipinas that Vilma and I have met in Atlanta
have broken off all contact with their families.
The explanations we receive are that they just got sick and tired of being asked for money.
Fortunately Vilma's family has been great so far, not one single request for money.
For me, family is extremely important, and I hate to see anyone give up on their family so quickly.
And, it seems to me, that it is mostly the Filipinas on this board that seem most concerned about Honey breaking with her family.
Of course, it would be crazy to return to work the first day she is here, but most of us do have to return to work sometime, and that is when she might feel alone if she is by herself 10 hours a day.
Honey is one of the youngest wives on this board, so, in my opinion, it would be more likely for her to need the support of friends and family.
Art has said that Honey will be a stay at home wife.
Without a job, and until she has children, it is my humble opinion, that she will be bored and lonely being alone in the house everyday for 8-10 hours.

For guys that "hate to type" we sure do post a lot.

[shadow]

... in response to Humabdos, Kevin, Shawdow, Zebson, Howard..., posted by Bear on Sep 2, 2001

No news here, although I am tentatively planning a visit in February.

I am amazed at your Honey, too. I think maybe you found a keeper!    Happy for you.

Larry.

[Carrisse]

... in response to Humabdos, Kevin, Shawdow, Zebson, Howard..., posted by Bear on Sep 2, 2001

By fighting with her family and cutting off ties, she has also cut-off her support-system when she gets here and when the loneliness and homesickness creep in.  They are the first one she's going to run to when you finally left her to go to work.

[Bear]

... in response to Hope she's making the right decision Bea..., posted by Carrisse on Sep 2, 2001

She doesn't want to work unless it is financailly necessary and right now it isn't.  Plus I want her to get a degree here so she is more employable here should it be necessary.  Its possible she might do some accounting work at home - I have quite a few accounting friends/family who do that but she and I agree that the child-rearing is more important.  She intends to homeschool with me.

And I have already set up about quite a few Asian-American (Korean/Vietnamesse/Filipino) couples here for her to associate with - MOF, 2 new ones last week alone.  Plus there is my family and friends, so I really am not worried about her being lonely or bored.  My mother has already indicated she wants to spend alot of time with her and she has indicated to me that she prefers being alone.

I am not making all the decisions either - I don't work that way.  When it comes to her family I will abide by our original agreement if she allows it and right now *she* isn't.  She is making these choices.  And I am supporting her in choices.  The only thing I wanted is that she doesn't work before she came so she could spend time with her family and now that they have become abusive, her to move out so that nothing bad happens to her.

Of course, I've let her know I'd send her home in an instant is shes not a good girl (hehehehe).  [I should not have said that - I'm really in trouble now!]  I couldn't send her home.  It would be more like punishing myself.

Bear

[Howard]

... in response to Finally?, posted by Bear on Sep 3, 2001

Dude,

Does any of this seem familiar?  Do the above paragraphs look like you've read them before?

Be VERY careful with your support system.  Nothing will replace the quality time the two of you spend together.  All I did was go to work to provide for my wife and I seem to have put a wedge between us.  I'm sure my situation is unique, but don't think that you know everything like I did.  Listen to Carrisse and the others here.  YOU are the support system she needs and I can only imagine that she'll need her family too.

Just learn from my situation.  Honey is an individual, just like Ayesa, but if I remember correctly there is a bigger age gap between you and her than there is between Ayesa and I.  All I ask is that you at least tuck what I say away for safe keeping and keep an eye out for the symptoms.  I knew what was going on long before it got to the point it has, but I didn't know what to do about it.  Just be attentive and listen to her.  You might have to be a mind reader as well as husband.

I just want you guys to be happy :c)

I'm pullin for ya!

H

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Finally?, posted by Howard on Sep 3, 2001

I think I advised you the same a few weeks ago.  hehehe

Bear

[donb2222]

... in response to Finally?, posted by Bear on Sep 3, 2001

Carrissee is referring to when you leave Honey home alone
while you go to work.  That is when Honey will feel most alone and depressed.  
Vilma almost went crazy when I would leave her alone
in the house to go to work.  I work at home now, and she is much happier. Filipinas are surrounded by friends and family
constantly, the concept of "alone time" is alien to them.

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Finally?, posted by donb2222 on Sep 3, 2001

but like I said I am doing alot to see that that doesn't occur.

Bear