... in response to Humabdos, Kevin, Shawdow, Zebson, Howard..., posted by Bear on Sep 2, 2001

Not a whole lot going on here either, except work and time with friends. I am currently in a sort of observation mode and listening to everyone else now. I guess my qualifications, expectations, standards, whatever you want to call it related to considering another PI romance are undergoing some major internal tweaking now.

Zeb

... in response to Humabdos, Kevin, Shawdow, Zebson, Howard..., posted by Bear on Sep 2, 2001

Bear,

You're lucky to have found a woman that loves you enough to alienate her family, whether they're right or wrong.  I certainly hope everything works out for the two of you!  You seem to have something very special, cherish it!

Update on my situation?  Well, the most communication I get is "I need more money..."  This morning she had her aunt call, because she is at the hospital in Maasin with her parents.  Her aunt speaks less English than Ayesa does, but has mastered the sentence, "Ayesa wants you to send money"

Boy I sure wish Dave could tell me which voice to listen to.  The one that says, send it, you HAVE to or the one that says, Hey, you're not a bank!

My heart bleeds for her.  Everyone expects her--or maybe it's just that she feels that everyone expects it of her--to take care of everything.  Anything monitary, Ayesa will handle it.  Well, Ayesa's not handling it!  Ayesa's husband is.  I have about $800 left in savings, she can have it, but what happens when that runs out?  She has already tried to borrow money from her cousin here, to which I told her no!  If she is borrowing money from anyone, it should be me.  I can just imagine how it will work.  She runs up tabs with all her friends and then they come to me looking for payment!  Ummmm... that'll happen, NOT!

Am I terrible?  I feel like a big fat ATM machine!  How do you tell a 21yr old girl that we're out of money, so her father will just have to die today instead of tomorrow?  I mean, for all the information I get, that's all we seem to be doing.  We are prolonging a life that has nor will have any quality to it.  Would I make the same decision if it was my mother?

What I love most is the "Well... you just gotta do this...." or "... you just gotta do that" advice.  YOu know the advice that only someone who isn't at all emotionally involved can give.  The advice that no human could ever follow if it was someone in their family, but they'll give with a condescending tone to someone else.  I actually had one person tell me that I should just tell her to let him die, because he's just gonna die anyway!

The distance and lack of communication and information breeds contempt.  Everytime the phone rings late at night I cringe, because I am afraid it's my wife and she needs money that I don't have.  I feel like a monster, but I can't help feeling this way.

I'm running out of patience, money and sympathy.  I am petrified to think where this could go next.

Wish my update was rosier, but you asked :c)

Tell Honey that I am pulling for you guys :c)

H

... in response to Update, posted by Howard on Sep 3, 2001

Howard,

From reading what you wrote, what you and ayesa share doesn't sound very much like a marriage at all. It sounds more like a dad giving an allowance to his kid. I know you both have communication problems but the way I see it...she's your wife...her aunt shouldn't be calling you...SHE should. You both should be discussing the money matters and figuring out these things together as a couple...you shouldn't be expected to dole out money that you don't have and she needs to be realistic and understand what's up. She should also be a bit more mature and realize what being in a relationship requires of one another. The whole thing of her "not wanting to burden you with her family problems?"...That's crap! I mean your her husband, for pete's sake!!  Obviously, on the board, we only hear one side of any given story (most of the time) but the picture you paint of her is that she really has a lot of growing up to do.

Sorry, if my post is so blunt but to me, when you get to the point of making the commitment of marriage, you're stating that you will share everything together...it's not "This is mine"..."This is yours"...your lives are blended. Even if you're the only one working...she should be a part of all this and should understand the financial situation. The whole idea of ayesa not really minding your financial situation (or caring) or willing to figure something out with you....or even call you with status as yo how things are going on...it just doesn't come off as very responsible. Nonetheless, I hope you can both figure things out.

Good luck!

Pete

... in response to Yes, but..., posted by Ray on Sep 3, 2001

I wasn't trying to rub it in or anything and maybe the post DID come over a bit harsh. I guess after reading Howard's original post, i just kind of put myself in his shoes and how I would react...i have a really hard time allowing negative situations to drag on and really strive for immediate resolution...it's just how I'm wired. Granted, not every situation works that way but I just felt a little angry after reading the post...I would not tolerate that crap! I'm not trying to make Howard feel bad....I know he know's what's going on and he's heard it all before...I just hate seeing people go through all that nonesense for so long.

Pete

... in response to Update, posted by Howard on Sep 3, 2001

I think you are in one of those "I have to trust my wifes decisions" moments.  Be patient this might be the circumstance you need to show her your love and trust and believe in her and that you are someone who she can count on.  Try to get into communication with her and show you willingness to help but insist on accountablility, not for pay back purposes but so that you can see where the money's going.  Remember to be praising, encourage and sympathetic but also be firm and make good choices.  Always talk softly and ask for alternatives.  Pray before you commit.  I know this might shock you but money only a little sweat and you can't take either with you.

Bear

... in response to Update, posted by Howard on Sep 3, 2001

Hi Howard,

Unfortunately I can relate to your healthcare cost woes.  Sally returned today from an unexpected 2 1/2 week trip to Manila because her brother Alex had a stroke and went into a coma.  He died while on life support 10 hours after she got there.  He was 38 and left 3 kids; the oldest one is 5.  If he had lingered for a long time we would have faced a difficult decision which would have been largely ours to make because we were paying for everything.  As it was we had to pay the hospital and doctors, all the funeral arrangments, and give a big chunk of money to Alex's now-destitute family - on top of the travel cost.

We're hoping that Alex's wife Lorna can start a small business in Manila and support her family, but I don't know if that will happen.  We will continue to help her in the future but the question is: how much, for how long?  For now she doesn't want to leave Manila and go back to Bohol with her parents.  But if she can't make it in Manila then we will probably reduce our assistance in order to push her to go back to Bohol.  We can't afford to keep her and the kids afloat forever.

It's a very sad situation and we want to do what we can and what we should; however, at some point a limit will be reached.  We're not feeling too flush today but right now I don't focus on that... when Sally tells me how every night the children ask again where their father is, it's a real heartbreaker.

Jim

... in response to Re: Support for the family, posted by Bear on Sep 3, 2001

most are not needy just lazy and love our free tax money and will never work just have more kids to put in the program for eaven more mony
tneal