Update

[Bear]

I thought I might fill some of you in on the saga of "Bear talking to much" and the resulting "control by Guilt Syndrome".  Things have gotten much much worse for Honey.  She is literally a slave to her room and leaves it only to go to school.  Her family (all, not just her immediate) insult her, put her down, yell at her and threaten to hit her randomly.  The cousins she had been close to, those she thought she could talk too ended up telling her parents all the things she had dicussed with them.  

I guess you know what happened then.  All hell broke lose as they complained to her about her not "forcing" her husband to provide for them including building them the home I had discussed I would get for us (Honey and I) before we retire.  Thay even had the nerve to brag about a girl who married an American and now lives in Manila.  This Filipina has been taking his money and sending it to her family and purchasing property in preperation for the divorce?  They were saying how "wise she was being".  Gosh huh!!!

Honey has been raised from day one to provide for the family.  I think she was never intended to marry and if she did it was supposed to be for the benefit of the family.  They would be happy if she was an old spinster, unmarried and alone as long as she gave them money every month.  They constantly tell her how she has changed, meaning she is forsaking that "training" they have been putting to her all her life.  They tell her how bad she is and that they have no shame for asking her to do these things.  She should just obey her elders and family and not question them about it.  They have even gone so far now as to start threatening to hit her and hurt her since she will not give in to their demands.

This weekend she will move in with friends at the "gangs" apartment.  I say that because there will be a gang of 6 girls living there, Honey being the oldest.  The only reason she hasn't already moved is she is waiting for the signal from the phone company on getting the phone turned on.  Plus since she in moving in 3 others are moving in so they are getting an apartment big enough for 6.

I am really in shock over this.  I have e-amil from many of you relating similar stories.  I was more than willing to help her family - even let them move in with us when I did build the home which I hope will be next year, but how can I help someone who intends to hurt my wife and thinks I owe them this aide because I married their daughter?  Now they will lose all the bills she has been paying and the phone and any hope that I will send assistance when she comes here.  I wanted her to spend some time with them and do some cute things she could remember before she came here so that she would do so with no regrrets.  Now look what has occurred!!

Fellas if you are not discussing this up front expect a big wammy when you marry.  

I am so proud of my Honey.  She tells them she will not let them use me.  How did I ever get to deserve such a wonderful wife!!!!

Bear

[Zebson]

... in response to Update, posted by Bear on Aug 20, 2001

Bear...Well, I am sorry to hear about the ongoing stuggle, but thankful to hear Honey is taking steps to reduce these unwarranted stresses from her family.

Familys can be a real pain sometimes especially when without consideration they project their burdens and forget the importance of being sensitive, responsible and self sufficient themselves. I believe there is a time to give and be generous to all those truely in need, but then there are some people, blood or no blood that have no sense of when to draw the line between true needs and just wanting more and more, and just not having any common courtesy, kindness or any understanding toward the pressure they are exerting on a family member.

I guess my advice would be to set some very clear and well defined guidelines of where you stand on these current and future family related money issues that would put them in their place. As well as some input of if this type of behavior continues and this is how they treat family, there can be certain repercussions; ie; no more house, no more monthly stipends etc. That's just my opinions, but, I think you will do fine.

Zeb

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Update, posted by Zebson on Aug 21, 2001

They'll get nothing unless Honey wants it so and I can bet you she'll not be pushing me towards it.

As for that house.  It amazes me.  The whole point was for me to retire and make a modest income for Honey's use should something happen to me.  We have discussed places all over the R.P. looking at properties for sale, etc.  And I really did expect to welcome them when we decided when and where, if their was room.  But build them a home with a swimming pool?  That was never discussed by either of us.

Bear

[tito]

... in response to Update, posted by Bear on Aug 20, 2001

Bear,

What has been the parents reaction to you when you explained to them in no uncertain terms you were displeased with their treatment of Honey and if they have any complaints about the way the money is being spent then they should deal with you?

tito

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Update, posted by tito on Aug 21, 2001

Actually she has blocked communications with them because they are mad at her for telling me about it.  She is afraid they will beat her for it.  But she can't block it when I get there for vacation.

Baer

[donb2222]

... in response to Re: Re: Update, posted by Bear on Aug 21, 2001

I find it troubling that you are blocked from contacting
Honeys parents.  I know first-hand how crazy info can be after being changed by cultural and language differences.
Also, young Filipinas can be rather emotional and have a flair for the dramatic.
This concerns YOUR wife, and YOUR money.  If things are as bad as you say they are, I think you should be talking directly to the parents.  There are two sides to every story,  I get the feeling that you are not getting all the truth.
If things are as bad as Honey says they are, then her parents should be accountable to you

Good Luck,

Don

[rgg]

... in response to Communication, posted by donb2222 on Aug 24, 2001

Don,

I share your view on this.  Honey should take the initiative to make the relationship between Bear and her parents a good one and not to destroy or put a hindrance towards a healthy relationship.

rgg

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Communication, posted by rgg on Aug 24, 2001

She does just fine fellas.  I know whats going on and her parents don't want to talk to me because the are embarassed since Honey tells me everything.  I am sure if I sent a letter they would get it.  She told me today that they are not even asking for bill money anymore.

Bear

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Update, posted by tito on Aug 21, 2001

tito, I think you make an excellent point. I think Bear should be taking the pressure off of his wife by taking the fall as the bad guy if he has to. Let her keep peace with her family until she departs. If she simply makes it known that her husband makes all the decisions in money matters, and referring any complaints to her husband, she can "get along" with her family until she is long gone from the scene.

Bear, I think you owe her that much. Also, how does your wife feel about you airing  the family’s dirty laundry in front of the world on the Internet? Just curious...

tito, say hi to your little brother ;-)

Ray

[Bear]

... in response to Good point!, posted by Ray on Aug 21, 2001

I am not there and I am limited by what i can do and I have tried to get her to leave earlier but she loves her family and didn't think it would get this bad.  I even tried to have church people go there to represent me and she refused it.  Just too afraid of her parents getting mad at her.

Most of ya'll know us by a picture and a post here and there.  Some might even meet us once or twice.  So I think there is no embarrashment factor here.  Some of you post hard things too and actually talking about it and getting advice (on occsion) helps some as well.  

But just so you know she has told me what she will not allow me to talk about (along the line of the things Tneal has talked about - hehehehe).  Don't hit me, Honey don't hit me!!!

Bear

[jfred]

... in response to Update, posted by Bear on Aug 20, 2001

How would you suggest bringing up such a topic with the new wife?  I deliberately send mine a mere fraction of what I could, just to avoid setting a precedent that might follow after she arrives here.  

I maybe send $30/month.  I figure that will buy rice, etc, but if she goes overboard and gives it away, splurges, etc, then she ends up broke for the next 3 weeks.  (BTW, I think that is what happens).  

But I have not specifically raised the subject.  What do you suggest?

Jim

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Update, posted by jfred on Aug 21, 2001

From the beginning I let her know that as far as I was concerned money and paying bills were a fanily activity.  When we pay bills we will all do it together so that each person (children included) would know where every penny went.  Then I said that I would most likely, since she has an accounting degree, keep the checkbook and budget.  She knows I trust her with every penny.  I also explained that when we (Kanos) come there our money goes further but here we have it just as hard, if not a harder time than they do because of 10-20x higher costs and then show her some examples like cars, homes, food, taxes, etc.

I gave her a credit card with a $300 limit and I put $200 in an ATM account.  She uses what she needs and I replentish it - the most was abt $245 the least was $0.0 in a month, averaging abt $150/mo.  But she rarely spends a penny without discussing it with me first.  And I do the same.  (She has already nixed a used piano for $300 and a new computer ;-( .)  I do not tell her "no" to anything but she keeps it resonable on her own.  MOF, I had to make her buy shoes, a mattress, an umbrella and some chocolate once.  She almost didn't allow me to pay for her brothers college because she didn't think he was acting responsible enough (I had to explain the young boys mind set to her before she ok'ed it).

When I say discuss it with them I mean flat out ask what she thinks she will need every month and why and then you tell her what you spend and why.  Ask if she plans to purchase all kinds of goodies for the family and pay off debts of every family member that she has.  I mean if she thinks that it is her responsiblilty to care for the 100 relatives she has then ask her why its your responsiblity?  And then ask her what would be a good budget to send and tell her the what the extreme limits you will allow.  I had planned to send 100-150/month and to allow them the live with us when I purchased a home.  I also intended to help her siblings with college which i will still do.  The rest will now happen when you see icicles on Lucifers tongue.

When her cousin pulled that PDA stuff on our trip I had a long talk with her father and made it perfectly clear *anyone who hurts Honey is not welcomed or wanted by me*.  He was very shocked.  I said she (the cousin) was not welcome, nor any longer invited to the wedding.  I bet ya'll could hear a pin drop here when I said that.  They rush Honey off and made her apologize to the *semi-derigable* which ticked me off like you would not believe so I told Honey exactly what words could be used in apologizing.  Thats what she said, "I apolologize for the sitution."  The semi-derigiable has still not accepted the apology and had the never to come to the wedding anyway.  Her parents still harass her for that too.  I even went over and apologized to the weather balloon beause I didn't understand the PDA customs.  

Then they watched me manipulate forces in the government and Catholic Church at her college taking the *Crabs* to the boiling pot because they cheated and abused her.  We got every penny re-imbursed and she is well treated there now.  The teacher who caused the problem is in hiding fearful of those she owes money too.

How in the world they will ever expect to get have me even open their letters once they have hit and/or threatened my wife is beyond me?

I warned Honey that something like this might happen, I just completely blew the magnitude of it.  I suggested that she move out but she wanted to be with her family as much as possible before she left and I agreed.  She wanted to bring warm, fuzzy memories of them to America with her.  Such sweetness coming from such...  Well enuff said.

Bear

[FilipinaCupid]

... in response to Update, posted by Bear on Aug 20, 2001


She is strong in her heart and her commitment to you will last 2 lifetimes.  My prayers are for her continued courage and coping with the pain her family's abandonment is causing her.  

It is a terrible emotional burdon to have those you have trusted all your life band against you. I hope the apartment with the other women works for her and your visa process is completed soon.

Blessings,

Jean

[Howard]

... in response to Update, posted by Bear on Aug 20, 2001

B,

I am so sorry that you guys are having to go through this!  I wish there was some brilliant nugget of advice that I could give to put everything in perspective, but I'm out of those at the moment :c(  It sounds like you guys have everything under control, but it must still take a toll on Honey.  It's sad that a time that should be so happy is being upstaged by other's greed!

My heart goes out to you both!

Keep the Faith'

H

[Lori]

... in response to Update, posted by Bear on Aug 20, 2001

Are you 2 close to the end of this visa process? I was thinking you applied around the same time that Malcom did.

It must be so hard to know that she is going through a hard time, and you are not with her. I know for me, I just want to reach arcoss the ocean and give Thai my hand for comfort.Sometimes the anxiety of being apart when the other is going through a difficult time is just too much to take. All we can do is hope that soon we'll be together, and never again have to experience that feeling of helplessness.