Hello All,

My wife recently put it to me that she is having a hard time making friends in this country. We talked about the language barrier, gentrification, etc., etc. I finally volunteered to check the message boards and see if anyone had a wife, girlfriend willing to reach out to her. We live in Southern California, but she is able to use e-mail, chat and long distance.

You can post your replies on this e-mail list or reply to my e-mail at caliphile@adelphia.net and I will help to make arrangements.

Yours truely,

Caliphile

... in response to Re: Wife Making Friends, posted by DaveyRich1 on Jan 1, 2004

Great to hear from you.

I will give you a call this weekend. Hope that is convenient.

caliphile

... in response to Wife Making Friends, posted by caliphile on Dec 31, 2003

The real problem is never what it seems to be.  If you can put your finger on it, it disappears.  The problem is always something other, something unknown or unrealized, it's never what you think it is.  I think it's interesting that you said she put it to you.  How did she do that?  I mean, how does a sweet girl put it to her husband?  Just curious.  

As an outsider, perhaps I can see from far what is difficult to see from up close.  She is missing her friends.  Why?  What did she lose when she came here?  Obviously, she lost something that she misses now.  Why can't she regain it here?  If she does not get out, or work here, that could be a big part of it.  Working is more important than most people realize.  If she does not have co-workers she can talk to, she is probably feeling isolated.  Unless she was an Internet junkie before, substituting it for live contact could do more harm than good, in my opinion.

The rule is simple.  Communication is the key.  The more you can communicate, the more you can live and the more life fills you with affinity and reality.  My free advice is to try to communicate more.  Also my opinion, language has very little to do with the actual problem, especially for a Spanish speaker in southern California.  If you were to ask me to guess, I would answer that she needs a job, a car, membership at the local YMCA or other fitness facility near you and that you see to it that she goes and keeps fit, a credit card with just a little credit, but enough to make her proud, and the responsibilities to manage all of that in addition to the gringo, you, that she married.  

I hope you share the house work.  Who cleans?  Who cooks?  If you expect her to pick up after you, don't expect her to be so happy about it.  What if the shoe were on the other foot?  Do you ever take her out?  Do you dance with her?  Do you surprise her with little gifts, and do you ever tell her that you love her?  

Good luck!

Big B

... in response to Wife Making Friends, posted by caliphile on Dec 31, 2003

Correction:   email: bondjames@attbi.com

... in response to Re: Wife Making Friends, posted by JBond on Dec 31, 2003

Thanks,

I will forward it and see if there's a match.

Caliphile

... in response to Re: Wife Making Friends, posted by Kiltboy1 on Dec 31, 2003

Caliphile.. I wouldt listen too much to what this guy has to say. Your most important concern in this moment should be helping your wife assimilate into what can be a very lonely situation for her. Colombian people need good friends much more than americans. In Colombia, friendship are much stronger and friends can be relied on for everything. For this reason, your wife is almost certainly going through withdrawal from the warm, loving atmosphere that her friends and family provided her with in Colombia. While you can help create this atmosphere for her by caring for her, women need other women to do things with... Shop, gossip, go the beauty salon etc.. I would help her by putting her into situations where she can meet ppl of her age and posibly backgroud. While it is true, there is a strong colombian network in many cities, this is not somehting to be afraid of if you are confident in your marriage. Just make sure your wife picks her friends wisely. If your wife befriends a colombia that doesnt impress you as a good friend, your hunch is probably correct and you should express your disaproval early on in the relationship so that they dont become good good friends. There are plenty of colombians in the USA. Just my 2cents..