I wonder...

[JSlo]

... in response to Re: AMEN!, posted by zack on Oct 1, 2003

It does take time to know the basic make up of a person especially someone you plan to marry. I think a large part of the equation is the man himself. Let's face it, I have seen many men in Colombia and the Dominican Republic that wouldn't get the time of day from most women living in an industrialized country. In a poor country despite multiple inadequacies, he may be able to pull off landing a 'hottie'. However, once back in America and the comparisons are made to normal people and the money isn't flowing like it was during the brief fling in the poor country, the supposed love stops, and the honeymoon is over. I lived with a woman in DR recently, it took three months before I could clearly see the real person despite glimmers along the way. In this case a bad temper and rude behavior not to me but to others, at times she would slip and try me also. NOT! After four months it was sayonara. Here is the point I don't want missed, I knew that it couldn't last, I saw the red flags but I still hoped against hope that somehow something in the water would transform this woman. I think this is a major failing in many that are on this quest. Don't underestimate the emotional pull of an exciting woman. Have a friend that will knock the sh.. out of you when you are in that gravitional pull. Yes, many will clearly see the shortcomings and yet ignore the signs, you see it over and over and over again. In my case, one day I came home packed all that I could take and haven't returned, that simple. To the newbies on this list, stop the judging, get some experience and then make meaningful posts. It is not necessary to continue to quote the obvious. Learn, live, and let live.
Nuff said,
JSlo

[zack]

... in response to Re: Re: AMEN!, posted by JSlo on Oct 1, 2003

When you referred to the newbies who should get more experience and then make meaningful posts, were you referring to me? If no, then my apologies.

If yes, then let me say that although I am new to this board, I am not new to the Colombian endeavor. I have been to Colombia dozens of times over the past five years looking for a wife. I made my share of mistakes. I experienced what you described as an emotional pull of an exciting woman and almost married her. Looking back I was lucky I didn't. I don't have all the answers but I do have quite a bit of experience with this endeavor. But I also realize that my experience pales in comparison with many men on this board.

Zack

[JSlo]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: AMEN!, posted by zack on Oct 1, 2003

It was a general statement directed to those in general who posted what I describe as 'no brainer advice' especially at a time of upheaval for a fellow board member. It was only admonition to up the ante and contribute something more valuable. No offense intended!
JSlo

[zack]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: AMEN!, posted by JSlo on Oct 1, 2003

No problem. Thanks JSlo.

Zack

[HeyNow]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: AMEN!, posted by JSlo on Oct 1, 2003

I have to give my opinion.  There has been much talk about the red flags.  The "granddaddy" of red flags is:Asking for money or gifts.  Another (somewhat similar) is "Opportunist"  this is usually women with children trying to get to the U.S.  The final one "lack of affection".   So, IMHO If the woman is from a middle class family (or whatever class) and does not ask for money (or gifts).  Doesn't have kids and is genuinely affectonate with you then, marry her.  If it takes two weeks or two months. Oh, and one more thing,  you muat be satisfied with her looks.  It seems to me these are issues that need to be addressed and are often neglected. Get the K-1 process started (it can take awhile).   Another opinion: Any man that would date a woman 5-10 years before to getting married is not the least bit convinced about marrying that woman. No wonder it ended in divorce. He didn't want to do it in the first place.

[Cali vet]

... in response to I wonder..., posted by senge on Oct 1, 2003

No senge not a question of "too young". I have two good friends who also each have a thirty year age difference with their wives and in both cases they have been happily married for over three years. The biggest problem I have personally observed in failing couples is lack of communication and understanding because he doesn't speak much Spanish and she does't speak much English. In the two succesfull cases cited above the men speak Spanish. If you listen to the people down here you see that they're absolutely obsessed with getting to the US and a visa. All the rich people, my dentist is one, have visas and all the less well off (or poor) want one just like they want a new car and the other things only the rich have. What this means is that most of the women you are likely to meet in an agency are disposed to "take their chances" with a guy, wether he's twenty-five or sixty-five who doesn't speak their language knowing that a US visa comes as part of the bargain. I was reading an artical from a 1972 edition of El Pais all about the obsession with getting to the US so this has been the case from time imemorial.

[surfscum]

... in response to I wonder..., posted by senge on Oct 1, 2003

I have never bought into AW bashing. I hear a lot of talk on this board about finding a good wife and what she should be like, but nothing about what we need to do to be good husbands. That would be an interesting thread.

[Ralph]

... in response to What is a good husband?, posted by surfscum on Oct 1, 2003

On LWL, a poster recently criticized me for putting up with something a "latino" novio or esposo, never would. Pretty silly actually, because many of these ladies want nothing to do with latin men, so why should I pattern myself after them?

[senge]

... in response to What is a good husband?, posted by surfscum on Oct 1, 2003

I agree, because it is apparent that many of the posters here are (MAYBE) not making good husbands.  Mabye running away from the 'emasculating' AW is not the answer, maybe looking in a mirror and asking yourself "what am I doing to drive away/disuade AW or LW from loving me" is.

[Ralph]

... in response to Re: What is a good husband?, posted by senge on Oct 1, 2003

I certainly don't think pete is in that category. I don't know all the details, but from what I do know, he went well above and beyond the call of duty. Sometimes it is not enough.

[Pete E]

... in response to I wonder..., posted by senge on Oct 1, 2003

Most guys here share a common problem.We are unwilling to settle for what we can get in a woman here.The hot ones can be incredibly spoiled but there are alot of nice women we could have that just don't turn us on.If your not attracted to them,why bother?
So we jump into this exciting but risky adventure that happens to have loads of good looking women.There are many ways to screw up.I did so big time by not seeing and admitting the truth.But I know people it is working for.And even though I screwed up I think there is a good woman out there for me.I just need to be much more carefull.I said that about my stock investing and then did the same thing again.Hopefully I will not repeat here.
Its a personal choice.All I can say is once you get on that plane and see the possibilities,you will probably be hooked.
But sell those loser stocks early!Dump that dishonest person at the first sign of the deception.Hope spring eternal in old guys looking for beautifull women.You can definetly have them.But be carefull your not buying alot of trouble.You makes your bet and you takes your chances.Beats the hell out of boredom.Give it a try.You will be hooked like the rest of us.

Pete

[senge]

... in response to Re: I wonder..., posted by Pete E on Oct 1, 2003

[This message has been edited by senge]

Pete and Calivet,

You both seem like good men who are more interested in the sexual energy of latinas than the prospect of growing old with a female partner.  Honestly, I can (sometimes) get hot looking women here in Los Angeles, but I cannot seem to find someone that I can grow old with.

Likewise, going to Cali to find a hot latina is not meaningful to me, as I can do that right here in town.  And if the main rationale for finding a LW is to secure 2 or 3 years of otherwise unattainable sex in a marriage that is destined to fail, then I see that as a huge waste of emotions and money.

So, my question to you and Calivet (and others)

How exactly do you define a successful relationship?

Are looking PRIMARILY for a lifelong partner, or a young sex kitten for short term marriage?

[Pete E]

... in response to to Pete and CaliPro, posted by senge on Oct 1, 2003

I want it all.But a reasonable compromise is a woman who is attractive enough who has good character and really loves you.But if something has to be compromised here it should be the attractiveness.Fortunately there are lots of good women if we keep our eyes open.Which of course I did not.But it doesn't mean its not possible.
But then you never know.Life can be a series of relationships that can have there benefits and then end.Actually they all are except the one who is around when you die.
I see guys my age with wifes my age who seem happy.They have accepted the situation.But lots of people are unhappy but just never face ending it.
I think oine thing many of us here have in comon is that we are "visuals".What she looks like is very important.
At least CV and I.

Pete

[Calipro]

... in response to to Pete and CaliPro, posted by senge on Oct 1, 2003

senge

I'm not ready to grow old yet so I think I'll stick with the sex kittens for now.When I finally reach the maturity of Cali Vet, I think I'll marry a women thirty years my junior and live in Cali.

To answer your question: How do I define a successful relationship?

Every morning when you get up you have to ask yourself is there some place else you would rather be. If the answer is no then you are in a good relationship.

I have to tell you that I'm not one to knock american women all that much. They are what they are and you can take it or leave it. I just prefer the company of colombianas more than americanas. Its just as simple as that.I wouldn't even go as far as to say I don't like american women. It's just that after I have been with them a short time I feel like I want to escape and I never feel like that way with colombianas.

P.S. Don't worry about the money or a waste of emotions because colombianas are really priceless. Trust me :-)

[lswote]

... in response to Re: to Pete and CaliPro, posted by Calipro on Oct 1, 2003

Boy I sure view both what defines a successful relationship and my Colombiana a whole lot differently than you.

I pretty much view a successful relationship as someone I love and who loves me.  Of course physical chemistry came into play in choosing that person initially, but now commitment and love are the big factors.  I am not going to leave my wife just because she changes physically; in fact right now she is getting huge from her pregnancy (this is either one big baby or twins) and is not particularly sexy, but I love her as much as ever.

As far as Colombianas not being someone to escape from versus American women. I would say that my feelings for my Colombian wife are very similar to those I had for my American ex-wife.  I feel the same good and bad feelings that come with an ordinary, intimate, committed relationship.  Most the time I feel so glad to be married to my wife, but there are times that I wish things could be like they were before I got married, especially when she messes with what I eat.  But we are both in agreement that I have to eat better and work on losing weight so she is not doing anything that we haven't agreed to, but sometimes I rebel and wish I could just eat any damn thing I want like I did before we got married.

I would say that really the only difference I see between my relationship with my wife and American women is that I haven't had a decent looking American woman willing to have a relationship with me in 10 years.  My wife is beautiful, even pregnant (just not particularly sexy right now) and I wouldn't stand a chance with someone as beautiful as her if she were an American woman.  But she thinks I am a handsome man and constantly makes me feel good looking.  No American woman would do that now.