Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you.

[HeyNow]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Where did I go wrong..., posted by Cali vet on Jul 15, 2003

I like to cook, not good cook but, I like it.  I like to dance too.  Not a very good dancer but, I like it.

[surfscum]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Where did I go w..., posted by HeyNow on Jul 15, 2003

Sorry, just couldn't resist. ;-)

[indigo]

... in response to Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

I am not an Oprah fan, but when asked for her favorite quote of all time: "When a person shows you what they are, believe them the first time."

Giving credit since this statement is not original to me.
Nevertheless I love it with all my heart.

[Michael B]

... in response to Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

Don't know what to say, I mean, you try to be nice and some people think that means they have a license to walk all over you. But you should have seen (at least some of it) comming...well, you did say you've learned not to ignore red flags anymore, so you've gained something. At least she's going back without her papers and without your allimony payments, so she didn't get 'the prize' and you got off light (financialy, I know it hurts emotionaly). Put your hat back on, dust off your jeans, and climb right back in the saddle (to use a cowboy analogy). I guess that is all you can do, other than give up, and you don't strike me as a 'give up' guy.

[wizard]

... in response to Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

Craig,

Sorry this happened to you... You had alot of time and energy invested in this relationship... Perhaps you can treat this as a lesson in priorities though... Its sounds like you missed some red flags or didn't have the "hard" conversations with her before making a commitment...

You hit on my top 3 criteria when I began this process:

1. English Skills
2. Strong work ethic
3. NO children

I passed on lots of chicas from Cali that did not have ALL 3 of my basic requirements... Sometimes you HAVE to remove yourself from the emotional side of the process to make sure that you are getting what you want... Falling in love is easy... Falling in love with the correct person is not so easy...

Lick your wounds and climb back on the horse... Just remember, if things aren't perfect, dump her and start over... There are lots of fish in the sea...

Good Luck...

Mark

[mudd]

... in response to Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me tell yo..., posted by wizard on Jul 13, 2003

# 4, good family background,
my girl had all but the english skills. family was very nice, but the father was a piece of work, many girlfriends on the side and got his secretary pregnant. she had a good work ethic, no children, but english was, and still is a problem, but she did try hard. i feel into the catagory of "well, her english will improve with time", and it did, at a snails pace. kind of hard to have deep conversations with someone when they only know the basics of the language.

[valuedcustomer]

... in response to Re: Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me tel..., posted by mudd on Jul 13, 2003

I think that if you demand good English skills, you are cutting out more than 95% of the Colombian Female Population.  Before going to Colombia, I assumed it as my responsibility to learn Spanish and took a solid two-year program in my local community college.  My novia doesn't understand any English, but has the following characteristics:

1.  Hard Worker
2.  Intelligent
3.  A Kind Heart and loving
4.  Attends to me and takes care of me in every way
5.  No children

Look carefully to how a woman treats others and how she treats you.  My novia treats everyone with gentleness and respect and is always looking after me.  If anything is wrong she is concerned.  When I had a cold, she quickly took me to the drugstore to get medicines, cooked me soup, and brought it to me while I was in bed.  She also gives me manicures and massages.

And she didn't have a particularly good family background either - father divorced mother at early age, difficult childhood with stepfather who was a bad man.  But that has given her a strong motivation to have a strong marriage her parents never had.

[Red Clay]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me..., posted by valuedcustomer on Jul 13, 2003

You are right on the money there.

[beenthere]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me..., posted by valuedcustomer on Jul 13, 2003

valuedcustomer,

I congratulate you on learning spanish and realizing that it is a key element to success BEFORE you go down there.  Too many gringos place the failure of their relationship on the latina NOT learning english, when they have NO desire to learn spanish and accept the different cultural elements. This attitude is very selfish & self-centered.
Sounds like you have found a great lady.............good Luck.

[wizard]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me..., posted by valuedcustomer on Jul 13, 2003

The proclivity for learning the english language varies greatly among people from various cultures around he world... Even intelligence is no guarantee that someone can learn the english language... That is why this was number 1 on my list... Plus, english skills assist in an easier integration into american society... The quicker the assimilation process into our society, the quicker your potential spouse can feel a part of the culture...

Just my opinion...

[mudd]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me..., posted by valuedcustomer on Jul 13, 2003

i know, but when the time clock  is ticking, and she has had a lot of time to learn english, and me with not much free time to learn more spanish, you start to wonder if it will get better after you get married. i wouldnt demand good english skills from anyone, unless they studied it in school for many years, but the ability to learn another language needs to be there, and a few women that i have met, fall into this catagory. one girl in peticular that i had met here in my city, been here for ten years and never learned english, just plain lazy and always spoke spanish and always spent time with people who only spoke spanish, she tried an ESL class, but got discuraged and quit after two weeks and she will probably never learn english.

[Pete E]

... in response to Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

Craig,
I think you said you dated this girl for a couple of years.
A woman leaving her children is a big deal.I would think she would want to have a plan when they could join her.
Did the subject of leaving her children in Colombia come up?
Did you not talk at all about any support her family might need?
Sounds like she presumed alot.Did she have any idea of your financial situation? Sometimes if a girl knows your salary here she thinks you will be rich,with no idea what things cost here.Or maybe she thought it would be easy for her to get a job here.
It seems it was a whole lot of things on top of the usual problems missing family and adjusting to here.I think most of these women are so close to their family they miss them very much.Reminds me of when I was 5 and my mother left me with my aunt to go on a short trip.Its an empty feeling when you are suddenly without those closest to you.I want my mommy was my response.She probably had a I want my family response.Its a deep emotional thing.
On the plus side she did not stay long enough to cause you
alimony or support type problems.
I wouldn't give up on Colombianas over this one.It is possible to find a girl who will accept your situation.

Pete

[Craig]

... in response to Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me tell yo..., posted by Pete E on Jul 13, 2003

"Did the subject of leaving her children in Colombia come up?" Her children live in another part of the country then she does. So I thought she could handle the separation. She only see's them about two times a year. I told her over and over that it would be difficult and it could be  a year or more before she would see them. What was I thinking?  Meaning I see the error of my ways. She's beautiful, all I was thinking about was us, and it clouded my judgement. Foolish. The truth is I think she's upset that I'm not wealthy like she thought.

"Did you not talk at all about any support her family might need?" No, it was not an issue. The problem is that her friend is married to an American where money is not an issue. Very successful works off his phone travels at will, nice life with homes in all parts of the USA. I think she felt she was getting the same and just assumed her life would be the same. In Cali I paid for everything she just thought I was wealthy and in Cali I am. Here I'm barely middle class.

I'm not giving up just resting. I have three kids. I'm a single Dad who get's no child support from their mother who makes over 100K a year. They depend on me.  I’m the only thing sure in their lives. It's important I concentrate on them for a while longer until they are grown.

[Cali vet]

... in response to Re: Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me tel..., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

You've mentioned the issue of money many times in the recent posts and you are absolutely right. I've learned it vies with US visa for number one top issue with almost all Cali agency women (almost because there's bound to be an exception somewhere?) Lets be realistic, these women don't go to an agency because they can't find love and romance on their own turf. They go because they want to meet and marry a man who can take them to the US and improve big time their financial lot and that of their families. Reasons one and two. How many men here with a colombiana wife in the states make no on going contribution to his wife's family? I can also say that all the succesfull marriages I am personaly familiar with have one thing in common: the guy makes great money and moved his wife into an upper middle class lifestyle with all the trappings. So I think your points are well made and lower income guys should take great care to examen the woman's priorities to see if they're compatible with his ability/desire to spend money before trying to set up house keeping with her. I mentioned before that my wife's best English verb form is "I want...". It's managable here but I can only imagine what a sore point it would become if we lived in the states.

[Mark33]

... in response to Money honey!, posted by Cali vet on Jul 14, 2003

CaliVet,
   I think many men are under the impression foreign women will be happy with whatever upgrade they get. They do not understand how some of these women, especially the younger ones are expecting a cushy life from a gringo.
  Also,there is probably a lot of competition with agency girls to see who can get the richest,most generous husband. In the same way a lot of the guys  going to agencies are looking to impresss each other with the prettiest girl.Many probably have a very idealistic idea on what life in the U.S. consist of.
   You are right, foreign women are not that much different from AW when they get on U.S. ground. They begin to want the same nice clothes,jewelry, new cars,and beautiful home ect. The competition will also be with other foreign wives in the U.S..
 Marrying a foreign woman is not as easy as some believe if you plan to live in the U.S.. You have to be sure the woman is in love with you,and not the ideal life she feels you will provide for her.
  It sure seems though that the AM will go through hoops to please a foreign woman. But when there are relationship  problems with a foreign woman, the tendency is to blame the guy because he did not do enough. Unbelievable! Before AM ,many foreign women put up with cheating,unreliable , abusive men from their country,who often did not even pay child support if there were kids involved. But we are supposed to be perfect men,who provide perfect lives .
   It is very easy not to see the true colors of a person you do not have common language with. You never truly know a person until you have lived with them day in and day out.There is an element of luck involved in these marriages. You can think you chose wisely, but that still has no guarentees.
     Mark