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Author Topic: Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you.  (Read 12001 times)
Craig
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« on: July 13, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
To answer your question's there was nothing to talk about she stopped talking to me. It appears it was about the money. That was part of the problem my fault was I did not dig deep enough into her background to realize she was totally out of her element. No english skills, real work, or coping skills She need to blame somone and that was me. I made mistakes in disreguarding the warning signs. Asking for money, her inablity to keep a steady job. Her three children who she left behind. Her grandmother's terminal illness one week after she arrived. I was told by some people in Colombia that I was special for dating a girl with 3 kids because it would not happen in colombia and most American men would have run. I expected she knew my support for her children would be minimal until she worked. She expected I was going to support them fully. Including all her family and mother and 7 or so brothers/sisters. The mother supports them none of them work. So supporting the Mom I would be supporting all of them. The entire thing spun out of control. I know what I need to do and what I need to correct. I thought you could disreguard all these problems. How does the song go" Sometimes love just ain't enough" English is a must for me now so would work skills and sad to say I would not date a women with kids. The sad/good thing here is If I was loaded she still be here and I would have never known it was about the money
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david hagar
Guest
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

I remember that you said that she was upset, because she thought that you owned your house, but that the bank had a mortgage on it.  You should have explained to her the diffence between a trust deed and a warrenty deed on property.

Beattledog
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david hagar
Guest
« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

I remember that you said that she was upset, because she thought that you owned your house, but that the bank had a mortgage on it.  You should have explained to her the diffence between a trust deed and a warrenty deed on property.

Beattledog
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greg
Guest
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

to please a Latina, supporting Her Family? Her expectng Colombian Guy to do this and that??? If those Colombian Guys don't really do much for those Latinas, then why do Foreign men feel they must overdrive to please a Latina??? Personally I wouldn't get involved with a Latina that expects tooooo much. Expecting me to help her brothers, sisters etc etc..I would keep looking until I can find the "One" that can put Us first. Guys need to seek a Woman from aboard that can treat us better than whats available to us here. Reminder that just becuz she is good to the Guy in her native country doesn't mean that shes gonna be the same in America. Craig, don't blame yourself, any Guy can be lucky or unlucky..no matter how much time he spent with his Lady in her native country, its a mystery how things may turn out once shes in America.
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Craig
Guest
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Curious..Do Colombian Guys bend over bac..., posted by greg on Jul 14, 2003

Thanks for the kind words. I'm going to take some time to figure out why I saw the red flags but did nothing about them. My fault is I have this attitude "who am I to judge someone else" and so the outcome. I will change. Thanks
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Mark33
Guest
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Curious..Do Colombian Guys bend over bac..., posted by greg on Jul 14, 2003

Greg,
   I just posted the same though under "money honey". It is amazing on most of these boards, the guys get slammed for not doing enough to please her. If we want to walk on egg shells, why travel? If we want a woman who cannot work, but expects to have everything she wants,plus have her family taken care of,why should we be so thrilled to have her? I guess because many men feel the woman they  can attract overseas is beyond the league he can attract here. That still is not a good reason for me.
   There are lots of great foreign women who will stand by her man and work towards a goal. Treat him like a king and so on. So when a man gets a woman who is not appreciative, and she is not a "young hottie"(that is usually a mistake of a man thinking with the little head) he should quickly get her out of his life. You cannot change a person who is self centered.
 
 
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greg
Guest
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Re: Curious..Do Colombian Guys bend over..., posted by Mark33 on Jul 14, 2003

I don't understand why Guys feel that he should bend over backward for these Foreigner Women. Plenty of Latinas that would be more than happy to except the Guy for Himself and not foooooor what He can do for Her and her family. I don't even know of AWs that expect their men to take care of her family etc etc. As I said, I would continue to search until I can find that Woman that put Us first before others. If a Guy want to be walked on, he can find that already here, nooooo need to travel South of the Border. The Guy need to be in Control, too risky bringing a Woman here, so why bring a Woman that want to control the Man. Nooooo way. Guys should be honest about themselves to those Latinas..Search for the "One" thats more than happy to accept Him for who he is, and don't want to change him.
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Jeff S
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« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

Sorry to hear of your troubles, Craig, and I'm wishing you all the best for a speedy recovery. However, I think you've tossed things into the mix that don't necessarily belong there. Just because a women doesn't have a command of English, doesn't necessarily mean she won't in the future, and just because she has kids, doesn't mean she's not a keeper. I married a woman who had very limited English skills and a 9 year old daughter. I couldn't love the daughter any more if she were my own. She calls me daddy, and I have the pleasure of raising her up from a child, to a young lady (yes I even enjoyed the teenage years) to now a college educated adult with a career. I have zero regrets about any of it. My wife has struggled with English but is not fairly fluent (but still has a strong accent.)

I think if you go back to JunFan's description of his brief marriage, you'll recognize some elements of your own. It's not a lack of English skills, but the kind of character that doesn't do what it takes to assimilate into the US. It's not the fantasy about Americans being wealthy, but the character of person who doesn't adapt once they learn the realities of the system in the US. JunFan said low class, but that doesn't really describe it as well as character, since there are high class (in my mind) people struggling to make ends meet and low class trailer trash living in mansions with maids. Does a person have the character to stick to something when the going gets tough, should be the biggest question a person asks about a potential mate. Quitting ESL after a few weeks and whining that "it's too hard" when you're already in an English speaking country says a lot. What are their principles? Leaving three kids home with her ex. as another poster pointed out, is another clue to her character.

Anyway, you can make as many lists of requirements as you want, English ability, C-cup or larger, whatever - but don't leave character off. It is probably the single most important characteristic in whether or not your relationship will last, IMNSHO.

Again, sorry to hear of your troubles and best wishes for attaining your dreams.

- Jeff
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beenthere
Guest
« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

Where did you go wrong???  With all due respect, you married a women who would leave her 3 children behind???  You answered your own question.
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lswote
Guest
« Reply #9 on: July 13, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you., posted by Craig on Jul 13, 2003

I am not sure you actually want to do anything more than vent since a few months ago you told me to get a grip, that this is just a chat board and who cares?  But perhaps now you are open to see the fact that there are people who are willing to care if you let them.  Not everybody thinks this is some anonymous wall you scribble on where no one gives a damn.

I don't think there are many observations any of us can make that you haven't made yourself already.  I would have thought in a two year relationship you would have had gotten to know what made her tick a little better and there wouldn't have been quite the surprises there were in the relationship but I don't care what anyone says, long time or short time, long distance relationships are difficult to truly get to know a person with.

I did far worse than you.  At the time of my divorce four years ago I started a relationship with an American woman living in another state on the internet.  She had many reason for not meeting in person and I thought I knew her from our mail and phone conversations.  Me being the trusting rube I was at the time, I just lived with the reason after reason for not meeting in person, and it turned out I waited for a year and a half before I finally met her and found out she had lied about what she looked like and that she was more than one hundred pounds overweight.  Since then I have made it my rule to conduct relationships in person as much as possible.  Thus I spent thousands of dollars last fall to visit my girlfriend (now wife) every two weeks so I could see her up close and personal in the kind of situations that would let me see her for who she really was, not who she might craft her image to be over the phone or email.

Seems to me for you to have missed so many red flags you must not have spent enough time in person with her and relied on the phone and email too much.
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Craig
Guest
« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me tell yo..., posted by lswote on Jul 13, 2003

Well I agree with some of the things you said

"I don't care what anyone says, long time or short time, long distance relationships are difficult to truly get to know a person with."

Dating someone for two years and spending months in Colombia you would think I would have noticed. All I can say is the second she got off the plane and entered the house she took the attitude " There's a new Sheriff in town" A 180 degree turn. I can only piece together what I think. She basically resented that fact she was dependent on me and her vision/realization I was not Joe Millionare. I'm not even sure how I let this  happen without seeing it. All that time without realizing what I had. I was as useless as a one leged man in an ass kicking contest
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HeyNow
Guest
« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Re: Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me tel..., posted by Craig on Jul 14, 2003

Craig,
Just curious.  When you were with her in Cali, did she enjoy holding and kissing you (even in public)?
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Craig
Guest
« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Re: Re: Re: Where did I go wrong? Let me..., posted by HeyNow on Jul 15, 2003

Yes, I had more affection then I could handle. I don't think I'm a bad looking guy,42 Six feet tall, slim 180lbs. hair (going gray.) I live in Florida and when I pension out I will have near a 3k a month income. It was not good enough for her. I can't go into who her friend was here in the states but she lives a affulent lifestyle in a beautiful tropical setting in South Florida. I live in a brand new 3 bedroom home in a small town in Florida. She made a reference to me being boring. All I can say is working all day then cooking for her (she can't cook) was alot of work. The weekends we went out.
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Cali vet
Guest
« Reply #13 on: July 15, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Where did I go wrong? Le..., posted by Craig on Jul 15, 2003

You COOKED FOR HER???!!! My wife tried that on me a couple of times and I just burnt the bejesus out of it. Now she cooks real good.
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Jeff S
Guest
« Reply #14 on: July 15, 2003, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Where did I go wrong..., posted by Cali vet on Jul 15, 2003

I try to cook for my wife on occasion, too. Not only that but I'm a good cook. She still shoos me out of the kitchen - thinking I'm stepping on her turf. Geez - she even gets mad when I get my own beer - partly at herself for not noticing and partly at me for not asking.

- Jeff
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