To be or Not be honest?

[grant5432]

Hello.  Okay, I am writing a few women and some of them
would like me to meet them when I visit Peru.   I think I made
the mistake of being honest and telling one that I am writing
others as well and would be seeing others as well when I visit.  
Now I have stopped hearing from that one woman.  

My question is, should I not be honest in this regard, and
should let these women think they are the only one I am going
to see when I visit?  Some of them plan to take off from work to
see me, and I thought I should let them know I will not always
be free.   I'm not sure how to even plan my time before I leave,
since I will be meeting multiple women.

From your experience, do most of these women know you are
going all the way to S. America and most likely will meet other
women as well or that you are also corresponding with other
women?  Or do they assume they are the only one you are
writing and therfore assume your schedule will always be open
to see them and no one else.

I am afraid I was a little too honest!

Thanks.

[John O]

... in response to To be or Not be honest?, posted by grant5432 on Jun 13, 2003

Very good topic on an often tricky situation.

My policy has usually been to wait till the women ask me. Then I tell them that yes, I am planning on meeting other women. When they ask how many, I always answer "a few" which I think is sufficient.

Nevertheless, I've gotten into trouble on a few occasions in this area. It always happens when I've been paying a lot of attention to a lady (emails, calls) & she assumes that she's "the one".

In one case, I went out once or twice with a pretty, young sgl mom I'd met at an agency. Then I called her regularly between trips. She never asked if I was in contact w/other ladies. When I arrived, I called her from the agency. She was surprised that I was seeing other ladies, but hid her disappointment. She proceeded to freeze me out during my visit, continually telling me she was busy but still wanted to see me. When I finally confronted her, she lashed out at me for misleading her.

After that, I tried to be a little more transparent w/the ladies in this area, especially if they really seemed interested in me. But even then it doesn't always work out.

Last year, I was talking/writing to 2 great ladies in Ctgna. They both asked me if I was in touch w/other ladies, & I answered yes. One of them, however, asked this only once, at the start of our long series of enjoyable phone talks. When I arrived & began seeing both ladies, she was disappointed. I foolishly chose to be with the other one, who, though sexier, was also less mature, & eventually blew me off. When I tried to mend fences w/the first (& better) gal, she said her feelings had been too deeply hurt.

At the beginning, a little honesty goes a long way. As the relationship progresses, so should the honesty level.

My dos pesos...

[surfscum]

... in response to To be or Not be honest?, posted by grant5432 on Jun 13, 2003

Grant, I was honest with the women I met by telling them that I was seeing others. I also stressed that I was not going to string them along and that there would be no physical affection (dancing doesn't count) until I had made a commitment. What I did not do was tell them how many! That would have been too much information. It wasn't until some months later that my girlfriend asked me just how many I had met. When I told her around 20, she was shocked. She told me that she might not have met me if she had known just how many I was meeting.  It is now something we joke about, but it also underscores that I made a serious choice about her so it has had a positive effect as well.

[grant5432]

... in response to Honest to a point..., posted by surfscum on Jun 13, 2003

Thanks!
   I did not tell her how many.  I just said I was meeting others in Peru.  
Still, I wonder if I should have said anything since she hasn't written in
awhile.  I would like to write back to her but I'm not sure what I'd say to
explain it.  She might have been my first choice too!  =(

[tbirdjoy]

... in response to Re: Honest to a point..., posted by grant5432 on Jun 13, 2003

Well why don't you write her and tell her just that.  What can it hurt to try.

Mark

[Bubba]

... in response to To be or Not be honest?, posted by grant5432 on Jun 13, 2003

http://www.planet-love.com/wwwboard/russian/messages/90117.html

[Ralph]

... in response to To be or Not be honest?, posted by grant5432 on Jun 13, 2003

Some women will understand and some won't. However, if you were not honest, and  you hit it off with one of them, only to have her later find out you were seeing others, you'd be done.

I always prefer being honest.

[Michael B]

... in response to To be or Not be honest?, posted by grant5432 on Jun 13, 2003

I think you're doing it right, sorry that you lost one by being honest, but that's the breaks...maybe give her one more chance when you get there (a phone call "I'm here, wanna hook up?"). As long as you haven't told her (or through ommision, led her to beleive) that she's the only one, most rational women will realize the 'don't put all you eggs in one basket' theory for a trip that costs so much money and time. Here's something to think about: You're not the only guy most of them are writting to. I'm sure they would rather know they're aren't exclusive than be thinking all along "I'll the only one" and then find out differently.

Of course, I'm not necessarily the expert in this matter, my trip was to visit only one, and we had a 6 month long 'you're the only one' correspondence releationship before I made the trip.

Over on the Russian board there is a real good thread about this and how to mannage your time while you are there, check it out, the 'WMVM with class' thread.

[cancunhound]

... in response to To be or Not be honest?, posted by grant5432 on Jun 13, 2003

I don't believe I would have freely offered that info.  Now if they asked I'd be honest.  What have you told them is the purpose of your trip?  Vacation is a good answer - and that is being honest isn't it?

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to To be or Not be honest?, posted by grant5432 on Jun 13, 2003

Grant

When I wrote to women in Colombia in 1999 I was honest with them.  I told them I would be meeting multiple women on the trip.  I got the impression that some were disappointed to hear that, but they still wanted to meet me.  If one or two bailed out, so what?  There were plenty of others who wanted to meet me.

If they asked me about that decision I was honest as to why.  I told them that it's not possible to decide whether a romance will develop until we meet in person and because of the distance and cost involved I would need to plan to meet other women in case there was no "chemistry" with her.

If you keep the letters and phone calls friendly, but not romantic it shouldn't be much of a problem.  If she or you try to start building a romance long distance before you meet then she may be hurt if you say you are going to meet other women.  If you're trying to close a deal before you even meet her you are making a mistake.

I think the women are hoping that you will only meet them so they will not have any other competition.  But as for me I can't afford to fly to South America every week for a date.

Steve

[chevy]

... in response to Honest, posted by DallasSteve2 on Jun 13, 2003

nt

[grant5432]

... in response to Honest, posted by DallasSteve2 on Jun 13, 2003

Steve,
  Thanks for the post.  I always tend to try and be honest, but I also am
now thinking maybe I shouldn't freely give them this info (as a poster
above stated) unless they ask.  But of course, if I don't tell them I am
visiting other women, it makes scheduling things to do with one person
more difficult if one is trying to hide the fact he is seeing others there.

I hope I can somehow "repair" things with that one woman.  
Unfortunately, she was possibly my first choice of everyone I've been
writing!

[HeyNow]

... in response to Re: Honest, posted by grant5432 on Jun 13, 2003

I am not sure why but, whenever I meet women they ALWAYS ask this question.  I would like to think it is because I am very appealing but, maybe not.  I usually tell them I have met other women but, ultimately I want to be with only one woman.  Most of the time they are comfortable with this.