Focus on 1 Woman or Several

[Just Curious]

I just posted the message about 3rd World women as "Opportunits."  Now, I'm wondering if my approach so far has been all wrong: Basically, I always seem to get hooked on one girl, but casually see others on the side, and then cancel appointments in last few days.  Strangely, the best looking and best match have always been the very first girl.  Although I've made an effort to meet other girls, while focusing on the one I like, I don't feel right about seeing so many girls at once.  I feel compelled to focus on only one and not communicate to 2 or more once I return home.  

With that said, putting all my eggs in one basket may be my biggest problem.  However, it's my nature to not be a player and let my girl know that she's the girl I'm interested in.  

Should I throw-out this 1 girls focus, and play the field also?  I think that maybe these girls don't deserve this because they appear to be playing the field, while pretending they're only interested in me.  Of course, I may have been their main man at the time, but these women are sure fickle.

Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Just Curious

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Focus on 1 Woman or Several, posted by Just Curious on Feb 17, 2002


Two questions:

One: What feels right to you?

Two: How much time do you have?

I think that the "write one visit one" approach will, as a rule, take longer. But, it is probably closer to what most men are comfortable with.

If you only have one week a year to go to her country... then I think it is a bad idea to focus on one. I am a frim believer (having done it) that you can't know what you truly feel about someone until you meet them. I don't play the field. When I find one that I click with, I drop all others. But util I find that one, I stay open to new possibilities.

Opinions will vary on this.

In the end, you can only do what makes you feel comfortable, though.

I have met men who have followed each path... I know men who are happily married who approached it like a business, and I know thos ewho are happily married who "accidentally" found the one when he was not even really looking.

It does SEEM, though FWIW, that the happiest are the "write one found one" camp.

I think that the number of men who "wrote one, broke up with that one, and am now writing another one..." are MUCH more common, though...

[Patrick]

... in response to Focus on 1 Woman or Several, posted by Just Curious on Feb 17, 2002

I took your approach also and found a good woman.  I was corresponding though and whittled the list down to one after I started each time, then visited.  I could usually tell from a few letters and calls if a lady and I seemed to click and had much in common with me.  I would then visit after a few months of calls and letters seeing only one women with no backup plans at all other than to just enjoy the trip as a vacation and opportunity to get to know another culure a little better.  Took me four iterations of writing to many, narrowing to one, then visiting before I found the woman I married.

You can do this any way you wish and there is no one "right" way.  The best way to do it is probably to do whatever you personally feel comfortable with.  Each man (and woman) is different and there are many paths to success.

[Onephd]

... in response to Re: Focus on 1 Woman or Several, posted by Patrick on Feb 17, 2002

I agree with Patrick and I hope I didn't sound preachy in my prior comments.

You must do what is best for you. The opinions I expressed are how I approach this because this works for me.  Do what works for you.

Best of luck

[Onephd]

... in response to Focus on 1 Woman or Several, posted by Just Curious on Feb 17, 2002

Honestly, I don't see how you can only focus on one girl unless you spend an enormous amount of time in Colombia with her prior to coming back.  Sure you may have a good feeling about her after a week or two. But I don't know if you can reach the conclusion that you should not correspond with no one esle?  All that glitters isn't gold.  

Most women correspond with a couple of men until they find a guy they truly like, then they don't correspond with anyone else.

I wouldn't say correspond with 15 or 20 women, but there is nothing wrong, in my opinion, with corresponding with 3-4 or 2-3 ladies in the beginning.  You correspond first, then you form more one-on-one relationships when you know them better.   It's not being a player or anything like that. The thing is, all you are to the lady is a friend in the begining.  

Take your time and develop friendships with these ladies first and then when you have the certain feeling about one, act on it and inform the others of your decision.  Let them know up front what you are doing. The "good" ladies know that in the beginning you must meet several women in order to find your one "true" love. And they also know they must meet several men to find their one "true" love.   :-)

AS for your problem of not being able to focus. Technically, the psychological term for this is "Interference"(seriously). Basically the first task you do(meeting and talking to the first women) interferes with your ability to focus on the second task(meeting the other women at the agency).  It's very common in everything we do in life. As a result, you often find more compelling reasons for liking the first lady than you do for any other lady because you never really focused on the second one or later ones for that matter.

What is needed is a "Distractor" task. This is a break in action so to speak.  Like a commercial during an intense Heavy weight fight or game.  Not sure if your problem you speak of is when you're meeting girls at the agency or just in general. If the problem is at the agency when you're meeting ladies, then after an introduction or date, read a magazine or book or work a difficult math problem etc. to focus your attention on something other than the girl for a few minutes.  You only need a few minutes(10-20) of focusing on something else to reduce "interference".  Sure you'll still think about the first girl but not nearly as much. (trust me on this one, it's science, ha ha).  

Always keep your appointments!!! Naturally the first one is the best one, especially if you don't allow yourself to meet the other?  But aside from that, she should be "pretty dang good" as you probably scheduled to meet her first because she appeared to have all the qualities you were lookfing for. But again, you gotta take your time. Go ahead and meet the other girls scheduled.  You never know? Besides that, you're there!!! Nothing is better than a face to face meeting.  Why fly back to the US, to only later try to write the girl who you decided not to meet while you were in Colombia because you too focused or felt "guilty"?  Meeting a lady is not obligatory on your part. It's a mutual introduction and "get to know each other a little" thing between you two.

Hope this helps.  

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: Focus on 1 Woman or Several, posted by Onephd on Feb 17, 2002

I think your points are valid.

A lot depends on what transpires before you meet.

If you write to a lady for months and express deep undying love... then of course there is more invested in the relationship, and anything else feels like cheating.

But... when we are seeking for love... it makes it hard NOT to reciprocate feelings... especially when the lady expresses those feelings first...

A problem...

But, not when you realize that the other option is to go out with an AW, and listen to her diatribe about how all men are jerks, and then have her ask you, point blank:

"Before we go any further in this relationship, I want to know: How would you make a woman happy? Sorry for being blunt, but I don't have time to waste..."

I kid you not. This happened to me...