... in response to gonna start posting, here is my story, posted by topgorilla on Jun 7, 2004Hi Mark, welcome to the forum. And thanks for the detailed introduction.
I wanted to comment on a few things that you mentioned in your post. I think Vietnam is a good choice and some of the other members here are happily married to Vietnamese ladies.
From the way you described your search for a wife, I would have to say that you are really bucking the odds. Hopefully it will work out for you, but I would not recommend your methods for other guys out there starting a search.
First, you seem to have been all over the globe in your search. Nothing really wrong with that, but I think it is extremely important to have an extensive knowledge of the country and culture of your future wife. You said you spent a week in Vietnam. Was that your first trip? Have you studied the culture and people extensively? If not, then you are almost asking for difficulties in your marriage.
Next, you are in your fifties and are marrying a teenager. That has worked for many guys, but the odds of a disastrous marriage ore greatly increased with an age difference like that. You said you preferred a little more maturity, but you admitted to limiting your contacts to only the youngest girls. I don’t have any personal hang-ups with the age difference, except for the extremely high risk of failure when marrying an immature teenager. For guys in their fifties, I strongly recommend looking for ladies over thirty to help limit the risks.
Again on the age issue, you said you only learned her true age after you arrived in Vietnam. After hundreds of e-mails and chats, she never told you that she had misrepresented her age by 8 years? That is a BIG red flag IMHO. If she was untruthful about her age, there is a much higher risk that she is being untruthful about other things. Honesty must be at the heart of any successful relationship and any signs of dishonesty early on should be a warning of future problems. Be careful! One more point on age. I believe that in Vietnam they count their age differently so that they are often actually a year younger than they say (age 1 year at birth).
You also said that you have only talked on the phone twice because it was too expensive? In my opinion, when courting a lady half way around the globe, there is no such thing as too expensive for phone calls. You can limit the costs by purchasing prepaid calling cards. I agree with your comments in your other post that writing letters is very important, but that real-time communication on the phone is priceless and should be an important part of everyone’s communication in this game. Relying too much on written letters can sometimes result in disaster. Ask Howard. If you haven’t read his story in the archives, he married a young lady and didn’t find out until it was too late that he had actually been corresponding with the girls mother all that time and she always avoided phone conversations. That may not happen that often, but it does happen and those phone calls can cut through a scam like that in a hurry. I think ‘at least’ weekly phone calls of one hour length are appropriate.
Also, you said that you contacted only the prettiest girls on the Web site. I think that is a big mistake for most guys selecting ladies to correspond with. Going for the best looking ones can often result in a high risk for failure. There is nothing wrong with looking for a very beautiful mate, but again, the risks are just that much higher. Marriage is always a risk, but I think the key to your selection criteria should be to minimize the risks wherever possible. That’s why I always recommend that the guys take a second look at the “ugly ones” on those pen-pal sites.
Another point you made in another post when discussing communication methods was “she must prove her sincerity and commitment, and show her real self…”. I agree with you, but I just wanted to remind others that it works both ways. We should never forget that it is equally important that the ladies see the man’s real self. It is also critical that she make a good choice based on her knowledge of your character. Always make sure that she is aware of your major faults and that she sees the real you! Some guys tend to hide all of their negative characteristics to the where the poor lady has no idea what she is getting into until it is too late.
Again, my intention is not to put you down, but rather to help educate any new guys out there who are trying to figure out how to formulate a plan for meeting and courting someone overseas.
I wish you luck in your marriage and congratulations on finding a nice girl.
Ray
