Update Peter and Maricel Lee

[Peter Lee]

Hello everyone,

Well I finally have notice for approval for the I-29F so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have not told my wife yet, I will explain to her what that means next time we chat in a few days.

As you know Maricel lives in the mountains out of coverage area.  I get to call her when she calls me first to let me know she is in a coverage area or after we chat or email I know she is in a coverage area then.  I have had some great chats with Maricel and she is very happy and positive.   I have purchased phone cards of $5 that give me almost 25 min with a minute round up.   This way I don’t get carried away and talk too much.   It seems to work out well; we talk some important stuff and then some romantic stuff.   Before I just couldn’t hang up coz it was so nice to chat with her.   We talked about every 3 or 4 days coz in the country bumpkin towns they had a lot of rain and  they have brown outs and she gets there after a long trip and finds the email café is closed.   The other day she had made me a list of expenses so I can see what she is buying with the $100 per month I send her.   I was surprised how fast the money goes just with shampoo and some underwear and toothpaste.   She has taken good care of the motorcycle with correct oil changes and tune ups.  I ask her to buy a camera so she can take pictures of the house that I am partly funding.  So that is where the money goes and I will send her $200 from now on to let her spend some on clothes or anything for her family.   I was told not to send her much money so she is not spoiled and learns to budget what I send her.  Now that the I-290F is approved and it will not be long before she leaves I have a different attitude about how much money to send her.   I would welcome any comments on what you would recommend.   Maricel showed me the pictures she took over the web cam and will send them to me by snail mail.   The house looks impressive, high up over looking the highway.   The house is over budget as they added a kitchen she said the house is 20 x 24 a two bedroom.   The windows and doors are not in and some of the walls are not finished yet.   I thought so far they did very good with the money I sent, 500, 700 and 700 in 3 months about $1900 in all.   I feel I have contributed enough for the house.   Papa will have to find a way to finish the project he was prepared to do the whole thing without my help.   Now they have a good start and I am pleased that I did that even so early in our marriage.   I may help them more in years to come but right now I will concentrate on her and me.   But it was important for me to feel that I helped them in what I consider a bad time in there life.   I did expect them to ask for more help but no one has asked.   If they do I have made up my mind that is all I will do for now.   Maricel in the morning has filled up sand bags so they can be carried up the hill for the new house floor that will be cemented.   She has been feeding the carpenters in the morning and lunch.   She says they get paid by the day and if it rains they still get paid if they start and get rained out.   Her trip to Iligan has been fruitful coz the ATM works there but it is still a 2 hour bus ride and the round trip cost 340 peso.   Getting her to give me information about anything is like pulling teeth.   I had to train her to do that.   Our worlds right now are moving at a different pace and we talked about that.   I recollect when I was in the Bahamas we were on Island time.   T-shirts said “Nobody move, nobody get hurt.”   So it seems that Islands are just slower paced and I am on the other end of the chat and get frustrated sometimes.
I have to say when I seen Maricel on the web cam she looked so good to me I had to hold my breath.   I guess you all been through that and each Filipina is special.  But I would say “this is my wife wow!!”   If I let her know that she might get a big head so I keep my cool.   She told me a joke and I didn’t get it so she had to explain it to me.   But we are plodding along learning different things about each other.   I ask her if she could save money?   She said well all the money she has now is what I send and she needs that for everyday stuff.    I guess before she couldn’t wash her hair with shampoo except on weekends and now she can do it all the time.   I am sure her sisters want soap and skin cleaning stuff that they couldn’t afford before.   Mean while I am trying to dig myself out of a great Master Card debt that I used to buy material for my new apartments.   One to go, the others are all rented now.  So I have to watch my budget closely coz I know there are lots of expenses to come.   I really wanted to go for her interview and fly back with her but I look at the financial situation and it is better if she can do it by herself.   Has anyone done that?  Oh well,

So months ago you guys and gals advised me on lots of things that helped me get to this point.   So far I have no regrets on any money I sent or discussions I made.   Last 2 weeks ago Maricel informed me that her Papa had a heart attack.   I know in the past he had a by pass done.   So I am sure he still has his problems but she said they had some medicine and he is ok again.   I can’t help thinking of getting suspicious about things like that.   It could mean another excuse to ask for more money.   From the past Posts on PL I have read it seems common.   But the asking never came it was just what really happened and my Mom just had to go the hospital with a heart problem.  
Well that’s the news from Daytona Beach and Bansarvil Kapatagan Mindanao, where all the men are good looking all the women are strong and all the kids are above average [borrowed saying I liked]
Peter Lee

[SteveG]

... in response to Update Peter and Maricel Lee, posted by Peter Lee on Jan 17, 2004

Peter,
Sending money to your wife vs. to a penpal you have never met are two entirely different things.  The later I(and most guys, I think) would definitely not recommend but money to a wife is perfectly natural.  Now that she is your wife sooner or later you are going to have to trust her with money.   You may not be rich by American standards but as soon as she is here with you, she will be exposed to money beyond anything she has ever imagined anyway.  Since that is hopefully only a few months away, what difference does it make to send some money to her now?   Since it looks as if you won't be able to go with her to the interview, for sure you need to give her enough to cover the costs of a trip to Manila.

 From my experiences, most ladies go to the VISA interview alone so obviously your presence isn't required.  I think it does help though to be there.  I did go to Melly's because it seemed to me that if I didn't it would give the appearance that I was "sending' for a woman and didn't care enough to accompany her.   I'm not saying that to make you feel bad for not going - just sounding off on my crazy reasoning.  LOL

  I really don't know what to say about the house.  We have done similar things for Melly's family but all after being married for several years.  (Nearly 10 years now as hard as that is to believe!)  You are the one involved so you are the one who knows your wife and her family best.

  As far as the VISA interview goes, there is always the chance that something will show up during the medical exam which can stretch out her stay in Manila or at the very least require her to make several trips back to the clinic.   This was the case with Melly, so have her go at least 5 days early to get the medical exam.   I remember it was tight to fit in all the medical stuff before the Interview in our case and I was getting worried we wouldn't make it.

  You are experiencing what most men do who marry Filipinas as far as communication goes.   It takes some time to get them to open up to you.   Just be as patient as you can.   There will be good times and bad in the first months and homesickness will come and go.  OK, I have a hungry little girl wanting to read a book here so I have two things that need to be done!
     Steve

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Re: Update Peter and Maricel Lee, posted by SteveG on Jan 18, 2004

Hi Steve,
My guide rules for money has been to limit her with a monthly budget.   This is a girl who was just a teenager a year ago.  She adjusts to whatever I send her; if I send her $100 she will spend it.   If I send her $200 it will be gone but all budgeted so it will last till the end of the month.  Yes sooner or later I will have to trust her with money.  First she needs experience and understanding the situation here at home to make decisions.  I have no problem in having her share the decision making as we go along.   Paying the electric bills and deciding if we should go into debt buying a new car would be part of that.   I am not prepared to go into unnecessary risks of her balancing the check book and spending money without my knowledge.  If she works and contributes to the money I would let her control her share.   Although it is against popular opinion I believe being married does not qualify her as equal partnership right from the start.  It would if we both started with nothing and built it together.  A partner coming into your business is expected to come in with half to be considered an equal partner.  If he comes in with nothing and expects equal partnership there would be a problem.
I think we share the same idea that is what I got from your post, am I wrong?
Unfortunately, when my wife graduated from Collage she was guaranteed a job on a cruise ship.  Her uncle a chief engineer had a lot of pull and it was set up for her to get that position at graduation.   Out decision to marry interfered with that, we discussed her not signing a year contract with a cruise ship as it would be next to impossible to apply for our K3 visa.   We did not know what the best thing was to do and where she would wait for the visa.   She finally decided to go back home and stay with her parents on the farm in the mountains in Abu Syafe country with no cell coverage and no email café within one hour jeepney drive.
So while she is waiting I was the sole provider as it didn’t make sense for her to work for peanuts and live in a pension house away from her parents and friends.  

I will try not to let her be exposed to money beyond anything she has imagined.   She will experience going grocery shopping and paying the bills, buying gas and paying the cable bill for $75.  So she will be exposed to high costs beyond her imagination LOL.   I hope that will work.   Did that help in your situation?

Well to send her $100 she can get buy with that, I am thinking of sending her $200.  What can she spend the money on anyway?
Mostly her parents and sisters get the benefit after her basic needs are met.  Do you see any problems in that?  I though it is ok under the circumstances.   I sure didn’t think I was spoiling her as some suggested.  
Another point that is missing is in the future she will know that sending $200 to her was in our view very little.   She will see it as we see it now a small part of our income.  She may never mention it but will make her wonder what I was thinking.
Yes I see what you mean about the VISA interview alone, I would be there if I could and if I see that I could be with her in the interview and fly back with her I would consider it.   But it is a foggy mess on how long it takes to finally get the visa after the interview.   From a week to 2 months.   That means I go for the Interview and go home and that is very expensive for me right now.   She is in a frame of mind to go with her mama to Manila and feels comfortable with that.

I really don't know what to say about the house. We have done similar things for Melly's family but all after being married for several years. (Nearly 10 years now as hard as that is to believe!) You are the one involved so you are the one who knows your wife and her family best.
Well yes, It was a hard decision about the house.   My thought were what if it is all true about the highway coming through and taking their old house down?  This would be a time to help papa.   So I put my trust in her and sent the money with the understanding that is was the last money I would send them in a long time to come.   Maricel has shown me the pictures of the house on the web cam and is sending them snail mail.  Yup the house is over budget they added an extra room and the doors and windows are more expensive than they thought.  But I was not asked for more money and I will not send more money. I do feel that I did my share and I did get an attitude of gratitude and was not asked for more money.    
Thanks Steve because of your post I will get her to Manila 10  days before the Interview.   That was a good point in case she is delayed she can have time to get the tests done.  
Thanks for your time
Peter Lee
Steve

[greg]

... in response to Update Peter and Maricel Lee, posted by Peter Lee on Jan 17, 2004

Your setting yourself up for a fall. Her beinging in RP is nothing compared to what you face with her in America. Your giving her and her family the wrong impression that your rich or something while in America you are actually poor. Will cost you alot to care for her here, plus they are going to continue to expect monthly funds from you. Now is the time for you to think wisely, be more reasonable with yor hard earned dollars. She need to learn to budget her money, and you need to stick to limits. Stop making yourself out to be a walking, talking cash Cow. Good Luck

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Sorry to rain on your parade, posted by greg on Jan 17, 2004

Ok Greg got the message,
Walking, talking, Cash cow?  Holy Cow!!!!!
Oh well

It don’t matter if they think I am poor or rich as long as they know no more money will be sent except her budget to live on.   No one has commented on the $100 per month I send her.  Is that too much or to little?  This is no longer my gf she is my wife. But I got Filipinas here in Daytona that say that is a lot of money there.   I checked her list she gave and $100 goes fast.  I did let her keep my motorcycle to drive around in and it cost money to keep it maintained.   I'm glad she can drive it and have some fun with it.  I bought it new in July and now it has 4,000 miles on it.   I also instructed her to buy a camera so she can make pictures to send me.  All that comes out of her budget I send her.  She asked if it was ok to buy the family some food from the budget and I said ok.  Christmas time I sent an extra $100 and I thought that was appropriate.   The house is over budget papa is sick. Well they haven't asked me for anything yet, not even hinted.  Papa will have to take care of the rest of the house himself as is expected.  This money cow has dried up; I have to say that there has been a good attitude on them accepting the money I sent them.  No one has asked for more, they know that was it!!   I can't keep helping thinking about how much money I saved not having a white wedding instead of a civil wedding.  I was prepared to pay for a church wedding and she talked me out of it. Don't forget the money I saved on that trip around the Visayas on the motorcycle.  My then fiancé wheeled and dealed to get us cheap accommodations every day for 2 months.  Now the question Greg?  It is about 10 weeks for the interview according to Ray.  Is it out of line to send her $200 per month till she gets her appointment?  So let her be a bit spoiled with $200 per month.  If you folks think that is a bad idea I will rethink this for sure.  A year ago I remember guys sending $500 per month while there fiancés were waiting.   She even told me as she was making out the list that she lives in the mountains their is no place to spend money foolishly there.  Giving them a boost in the new house has made them more than happy.  The parents know that I would be very disappointed if any hint of more money was asked.   Now I am thinking of the expenses to get her here and set her up medically and dental and so on.  Remember on our long 2200 mile trip on that motorcycle she never asked for anything the whole time.   Time will tell and I will know soon enough if the interview date is in 10 weeks or so.
The other big question is what money do I send when she goes to Manila with her mama for the medical and the interview?   Hotels, taxies, food, exam and application fees and the plane flight?   I would assume it would be 1 or 2 weeks and I am lost on how much that would cost.  Has anyone had that experience on the expenses?  I don't want to send to little or too much.  Well Greg thanks for the come back and the warning.      Catch you all later

[greg]

... in response to Sorry to rain on your parade, posted by greg on Jan 17, 2004

becuz of culture difference. You can tell them again time after time about your money situation here, the point is weither or not she believes you. The way your handling stuff with them..they think your Rich..even thur you tell them otherwise. Sometimes Guys can be too nice to these Foreigner Women, bending over backward to please them. Later the Guy becomes a door mat for her to wipe her feet on. LoL

[Ray]

... in response to Update Peter and Maricel Lee, posted by Peter Lee on Jan 17, 2004

Peter,

Before she comes over, make sure you send her some extra money ($200-300) for shopping. She should stock up on clothes, especially pants if she is under 5'3", lots of underwear, and her favorite personal care products or cosmetics to last for 6 months: shampoos, conditioners, etc.

Clothes are cheaper there and it's MUCH easier to find Filipina sizes. Shoes and socks are easy to find here, but she should bring a couple pair of good slippers. And tell her to bring her kabo (tabo)!

Just make sure she stays under the baggage weight limits for the airline!

Ray