How do y'all deal with money and Filipinas

[Bear]

... in response to How do y'all deal with money and Filipin..., posted by Matt on Oct 7, 2003

My biggest mistake was seeing the poverty level and assuming that I needed to do something before discussing it with Honey.  I told my in-laws that I would send her P10,000/month until she came here.  Later I found out that that was P5500 more than my in-laws earned in a month.  They thought they'd just hit the jackpot.  Her father stopped working and everyone became abusive to Honey when she didn't pass out the money.  But Honey said she didn't need that much so I put it in a Debit Account and she took what she needed.  In almost 12 months she took $200 twice and none at all twice, the rest of the time just over $100.  With this she paid all her families bills including rent, food, electricity and water, her and her brothers college and their transporation.  She usually ate away from home since her family had become so demanding.  I literally had to make her buy new shoes, an umbrella, a mattress for the bed and some clothes and go to the doctor when she was sick.  She wouldn't spend a penny unless I okayed it which at times was somewhat annoying.  Her family became so abusive I made her move out which made her feel like she was a bad daughter.

She did not want me to help her brother in college and once again I didn't listen.  He was not responsible and didn't appreciate the assistance, MOF he told her that it was due him and even when we quit paying he expected to still get to go at no effort on him.  My rules were simple...
break no laws
make above average grades
pass all courses the 1st time
quit and its over
expect to help the family as much as honey when he graduated.
...He then proceeded to steal a cell phone, flunk courses, had what was equivalent to a "D" average and wanted to quit for a sememster.  We told him would not help anymore.  Honey's 2nd younger brother saw what had occured and made no effort at all to go to college.  Honey's sister still wants to go though and I'll be glad to help under the above conditions.

With all the money issues and the abuse Honey had received she no longer had a good relationship with her family and this is not a good thing for Filipinas.  So I decided at Christmas time to send a letter and detail how much I made and all of our expenses.  I also pointed out that yes I spent a lot when i was there I saved my OT and borrowed to afford the trip in an effort to give Honey a very nice wedding and honeymoon.  Not because I was rich and wasteful with my income.  This worked unbelieveably well, they sent a letter apologizing for how they had acted.
Honey and I send P2500/mo.  I know that this is used for extras and pays the monthly bill on an entertainment center.  They have not asked for more although I might give if I saw it was nescessary.  I no longer think they would ask for something that was not absolutely necessary.
I think if I had discussed it better with my Honey before her family or listened to her advice where it concerns her family none of this would have happened.  But alls well that ends well.

Bear and Honey

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Family or burdens, posted by Bear on Oct 8, 2003

Good thread, I believe you have repeated it from before and I have used that information already, thanks.

[Nathan]

... in response to How do y'all deal with money and Filipin..., posted by Matt on Oct 7, 2003

[This message has been edited by Nathan]

   When it comes to money and your filipina, do what you are comfortable doing. Work out an agreement with your wife and stick to it. Most men do not spend enough time in the Philippines to learn the culture and learn how to use the situations that arise to one's advantage. The role of a patron  is not entirely bad. Extended family members may rarely question your choices and give you substantial deference.
   We have contributed substantially to my wife's family
and continue to do so, but then again, to a large degree I have made them my family too, and it shows in how they treat me. We are in the process of buying my wife's mother a modest house. It was my idea, and I simply wanted her to have it. She went looking at my suggestion only. After all, when we are there with our 3 year old daughter, I wanted her to have a bigger place to host us. In addition, I have taken the responsibility of educating my wife's younger half-sister and little half-brother(private schools), and I wanted them out of the neighborhood they were growing up in, as it had been going downhill for several years.
   It all ends up being a matter of personal preference. Do what you think is right, it's YOUR pocketbook after all.
   Compared to all the gold digging and general fiancial screwing I took with American women, it is ALL a bargain.

My $.02 worth...

Nathan

[Peter Lee]

... in response to it's a bargain..., posted by Nathan on Oct 8, 2003

After reading your thread I feel guilty not helping with my wife's parents house sooner.  But something tells me to wait till the house is finished before I step in and help.  Meanwhile I will feel like a heel but I think it is the best in the long run.  
I am expecting to help bring my wife's two sisters to school also in the future.  I won't mind doing that.

[Nathan]

... in response to Re: it's a bargain..., posted by Peter Lee on Oct 9, 2003

[This message has been edited by Nathan]

   Like I said, it's YOUR money, so you can decide.
I was trying to point out that there is another perspective on all of this. Any of my wife's immediate family that is of school age know that they can go to college on a full scholarship offer from me, however, they also know that if they screw up or think they can just sit back and let me support them, well, in that case I will not do jack for them. I only want to provide opportunity
that they have to match with hard work, and I expect my terms to be met or else.

Nathan

[Stephen]

... in response to it's a bargain..., posted by Nathan on Oct 8, 2003

asdf

[Stephen]

... in response to How do y'all deal with money and Filipin..., posted by Matt on Oct 7, 2003

Some people say "My wife works and that's her money to do with as she pleases."  I say, "GARBAGE".  It's family money.  And if one partner works and sends most of her check to the philippines then it's bound to cause friction in the family here in the USA.

I hear of some ladies who work and send $500 per month back to the phils.  That's crap also.  That's like winning the lottery here.  If they can get all that money then they can just sit on their butt and sleep their life away.  You're hurting them.

I also hear of men who send their fience in the Philippines hundreds of dollars per month until they get to America.  That's stupid.  I never sent Tess spending money.  For example, I covered her extra expenses in preparing to travel here and in the submission of papers.  Also, her brother died suddenly and I send $400 extra so she could go home to be with her family.  I firmly believe that if you send big bucks to her to get her used to living in high class style.....JUST WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN SHE GETS TO AMERICA and she has to control her spending.  I think you're creating your own problems by sending the gal a lot of money.

Tess and I send her folks $60 per month....no more.  We help her folks, but we don't try and inflate their lifestyle.  We also send Tess' neice to nurses college.  She's doing well, and I don't mind that.  But at this time I'm not going to send other's in the family to college.  

One more thing.....We're not going to try and get her family to move to America.  They are Philippino and that's good enough.  (Perhaps the niece can come to America after nursing college, but that's her business.  She will support herself.)

Notice...this is just my opinion.  I'm rather a cheap person.  

Stephen

[greg]

... in response to Re: How do y'all deal with money and Fil..., posted by Stephen on Oct 7, 2003

Your being Wise.

[Stephen]

... in response to Re: How do y'all deal with money and Fil..., posted by Stephen on Oct 7, 2003

We don't send boxes to the Phils.

Tess returns home yearly and whille there she will take family to the mall and purchases clothes they want.

That saves the high shipping charges....and lets them have a gift they really want.  It's fun for her to take them shopping.

[HaroldC]

... in response to Re: How do y'all deal with money and Fil..., posted by Stephen on Oct 7, 2003

The average American family spends $60 a month on pizza.

It just burns me up that while I'm sitting here working my butt off I can just picture those lazy in-laws lounging around eating pizza that we paid for- and laughing like they always do!

I say if they want pizza, let them get a job and buy it themselves, 'cause they're not getting any more of mine! Anybody can work who really wants to.

That's it, Honey. I'm putting my foot down. The free ride is over! Who's laughing now, huh?

And don't give me none of that tampon stuff about it, either.

They are Philippino and that's good enough.

Honey?

[Ray]

... in response to Right on, Men, I'm with you all the way!, posted by HaroldC on Oct 8, 2003

:-)

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: How do y'all deal with money and Fil..., posted by Stephen on Oct 7, 2003

N/T

[SteveB]

... in response to Re: How do y'all deal with money and Fil..., posted by Stephen on Oct 7, 2003

When are we tax payers going to wake up and realize we are hurting the poor here also.  They are depending on us instead of themselves.  This has been a paid advertisment of a worn out taxpayer.

Steveb

[outwest77]

... in response to Re: How do y'all deal with money and Fil..., posted by Stephen on Oct 7, 2003

nt

[greg]

... in response to Re: How do y'all deal with money and Fil..., posted by Stephen on Oct 7, 2003

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