I was just wondering exactly how and when y'all discuss money and finacial support of your Filipina wife's (or girlfriend's or asawa's) family in the Philippines. (Of course, now it is your family as well) How does one bring up the topic of money?

Certainly, someone has to live in the real world. In my opinion, of which I'm entitled, it's just not realistic to expect someone to take care of me and pay all of my bills and buy what I want and for me never to work again. (It's kind of like my viewpoint of Tampo-to me, tampo is removing oneself from the family, but that's my opinion, and opinion's are like elbows, everyone has two-and I'm not married to a Filipina, so I ain't experienced tampo-lol.)

And since the subject has come up again in regard to Peter's wife, I thought that I would ask the folks here what y'all think, and when y'all discuss money, and what kind of guidelines.

I remember reading Bear's advice of "tell her a few of the stories of how friends and family members tried to get women to cheat their husbands/bf's and how they were good, honourable women by refusing. If you are not strong, she might give in to her loving family's 'pity me' requests. I promise you she will respect you for being strong and giving her guidelines so that she can honestly tell everyone her husband has given her strict instructions."

I also remember, (I think it was Bear too-yes, I've searched the archives, I just don't have it handy at present), talking about setting up 4-5 simple rules for providing college support for relatives, such as making above average grades and no illegal activities.

According to Bob Lingerfelt, in his "ASAWA Guide to Fil-West Relationships", page 161, the number 1 source of problems for Fil-West marriages involves sending money to the Philippines.  So, I hope that y'all don't mind me bringing up this issue again.

Here's a question Bob asks his readers, "Also, her family may or may not request funds in addition to what you would normally send. If so, do you send it always, never, or upon condition?"

On page 165 of Bob's ASAWA guide, he stresses that "Family is everything to Filipinas". According to Bob, most husbands supply a "regular, monthly allowance sent via wire or bank transfer. You may also be expected to pay for medical bills, school tuition, uniforms, food, transportation, and even housing."

So, honestly, what do y'all think? I read here about someone who explained to his new family how much things cost here in the US. He converted it to pesos for his new family in the Philippines. Sounds like a good idea to me.

I'm just wondering, since this appears to cause conflict in Fil-West marriages, do y'all discuss money before marriage?

In my opinion, if a wife works, the money is not hers. Just like the money a husband earns is not his. To me, it's family money. And the family is the husband and wife.

I also read in the archives about someone who determined what his wife would have made working in Manila, and what amount she could have sent back to the province, and that was the amount that they sent loved ones back in the Philippines.

I apologize for rambling to y'all. I guess I mainly want to know how and when to politely discuss the issue of money and financial support of relatives in the Philippines.

If I'm ever to be married to a Filipina lady, I'm not too sure how I would handle the idea of her suddenly being "Ate" to everyone, even family she didn't know she had.

Thank y'all for taking the time to read my post. Good day!

I'll have to remember THAT one  You know someone here will be able to use that eventually. What I wouldn't give to be a fly on that day!  LOL

Too Funny

Keep the Faith

H

It isn’t that important exactly how and when you discuss money matters with your future mate, but you should definitely have some in-depth discussions BEFORE you marry her. It is extremely important that both of you come to a mutual agreement on how you will handle money in the family and how you will help (or not help) her family back home. The exact details aren’t so important early in a relationship, but there should be a consensus on the major points. While you are corresponding with a prospective mate, try to feel out her ideas on money in the family and make sure that she understands your views on the topic as well. DO NOT ever accept the standard non-confrontational response “it’s up to you”! Make her tell you what she thinks and if she won’t discuss money, sex, children, work, and other important topics, then dump her early because you’ll probably never reach a decent level of communication in your relationship.

On the issue of “family money”, I fully agree with you, Stephen, and Dr. Laura. Once you start down that “yours and mine are separate” road, there is no going back without a big fight. Having a job and keeping your pay separate to do with as you darn well please seems to be a popular belief in the Philippines. Some guys are comfortable with that arrangement, but I have seen more Fil-Am marriages in serious trouble over that single issue! In my case, I put my wife on all of my bank accounts the first week she arrived and reminded her periodically that ALL income is family money and major expenditures should be mutually agreed upon. She has no problems at all depositing her paychecks into our joint account. Set a limit that determines at what dollar level a purchase will require mutual consent. If either one disagrees after talking it out, then DON’T buy it.

The subject of sending money home to her family is probably the next most common cause of marital problems in these relationships. Yes, most ladies will want to send money home, so work out an agreement early BEFORE you officially tie the knot. I agree with Nathan that you should do what YOU are comfortable with and don’t be concerned about the other guys who tell you that if you send too much, you will only screw thing up for the next guy. It’s YOUR money and you can do whatever you want with it if it’s legal! However, I would try to keep it within reason.

Whatever you do, DO NOT make any promises on sending a pre-determined amount. Also, I recommend against sending a monthly remittance. Why? Because once they come to expect that monthly remittance, they become your dependent for life. Like in Bear’s case, they are more likely to kick back and quit trying. They will be looking forward to that deposit every month just like a government pension check and their lives will be disrupted if they check isn’t there. If you ever get laid off or money gets tight and you can’t send anything for a while, they may not be prepared to deal with that. It is common over there to borrow against those future checks and they can really get in over their heads if not careful.

What worked for us was to set up a separate savings account, or PI fund. If someone back home needs medical treatment, gets wiped out in a typhoon or flood, or needs help with any problems, we have a separate fund to deal with those emergencies when they arise. If the fund gets to a point where we can afford it, then it’s used for vacation trips back to the Phils. If your financial situation is firm, you may want to just send a little now and then unexpectedly to surprise them, but be VERY careful that you don’t get into a situation where come to rely on that monthly check.

If you do end up with a pesky relative who is always calling with a sob story and asking for help, I found the best ways to deal with it without causing a lot of hurt feelings is to either to completely ignore them or make excuses why you can’t help at this time and then ignore them. I found that it is not useful to chastise them or give them a lecture on financial responsibility because they don’t want to hear it and will probably ignore it anyway. They will soon get the hint and stop asking for a handout. Try to let your wife deal with the family, but if she really has a hard time saying no, then don’t be afraid to step in and take control.

We also make a point of not revealing details of our financial situation to everyone back home. We don’t discuss details of our salaries or our monthly bills with other family members simply because it’s a private matter and it’s none of their business! Believe me, if you tell one relative how much you make in a month, the whole country will likely know :-).

You can do whatever works for you and your spouse, but do discuss all this stuff up front before you marry.

One tip for the guys just starting out in this game. Find out what you can about her family situation early. How many brothers and sisters? Dad or mom working? How many brothers unemployed? Does she support the other family members regularly? The poorer they are, the more you will feel that you must help. If you can, don’t get involved with a lady if most of her family is unemployed or has trouble with the law.

Ray

We also make a point of not revealing details of our financial situation to everyone back home. We don’t discuss details of our salaries or our monthly bills with other family members simply because it’s a private matter and it’s none of their business!

STEPHEN:

I agree with you...it's your business, not theirs.

But also....how in the world can they understand it if you make more money in one month than they do in a couple of years.  It will simply confirm their view that you are rich.  The difference in standard of living is too much for them to comprehend.

I'm with you and Ray on this! No matter what you tell people living in  the Philippines, they have no comprehension of the cost of living in the US. Sometimes my wife still doesn't want to buy something here because it is so much cheaper in the Philippines. I tell her to pretend it is in pesos and have to insist on buying it. We saw a 6 foot piece of Philippine bamboo selling for $7.99 at Michael's...she couldn't believe it!!!

Dave H.

I have more money now than when I was single and neither one of us is working.

STEPHEN:

I agree.  Tess has her own bank account, and she's not on mine.  But she makes all the deposits and makes out the checks.  She pushes the check book over to me and just says "sign one more".

I've got more money than ever before because she does good on handling the money.