... in response to Apology from Humabdos, posted by humabdos on Mar 16, 2001I couldn't quite understand what was going on between you and Carrisse. I think you're both good, well-intentioned people. Perhaps there was an initial misunderstanding about something.
Here's my take on gold-diggers. If you're courting a Filipina, and she asks you for money, at the spur of the moment asks you to buy her a gift, or otherwise causes you to feel a sense of alarm, you raise the question about her motives, but in a gentle, roundabout way.
If she is a gold-digger, of course she'll say something like "you're hurting my feelings" and she'll pretend she's genuinely hurt. It's a way to make you feel guilty for questioning an action of her's, and a way to hide a strategic agenda.
This happened to me, in my engagement after the divorce. My fiancee asked me to buy her something. I bought it for her. Then she says something to the tune of "You don't mind buying things for me do you? You know we're poor. A good man is supposed to buy things for the woman he loves . . .".
I felt uncomfortable hearing a statement like that. My reply was something like "Sure, I don't mind buying you things, as long as I know you're not using me". I talked normal, I did not even talk in an elevated, angry tone of voice. Words are just words, but what I said burst the bubble. Other subtle hints about possible gold-digging remain unresolved in my mind. But these red flags got a little brighter and more persitent as time lapsed. Plus there was the rush on her part for us to get married ("marry me or lose me, I can't wait any longer"), but all of the burden was on me about how and when it was to be accomplished.
Well, she suddenly changed her pattern of having been super-affectionate to being a cold-fish. I was perplexed as to what was really wrong. I'd ask what was wrong but she would not talk to me. I was mystified. If she really truely loved me, how could she suddenly change like that? It was a shock nonetheless. But her true colors were not what I saw through the rose-colored glases I was wearing when I first fell in love with her. A plan for a future together that we talked about suddenly went up in smoke. In the long run, I think I escaped an impending devastating tribulation.
Back to "sniffing out gold-diggers", when the issue is brought up, if she is sincere, and she truly cares about you, she probably is going to feel hurt that you could think that way. Understandably so. Only time can reveal her sincerity to you, and your sincerity to her.
On the same token, if you're courting somebody (especially in your case), I'm sure the girl will want to know WHY you're divorced. She has the right to vbe concerned for her own well-being She might be thinking, "What if he hits his wife when he's in a bad mood?", or "What if he's a playboy". You would not feel comfortable having these kinds of questions posed, or better yet knowing she might have some deep routed fears. But she has the right to steer clear of trouble just as much as you do.
- Kevin
