Red Flags and Love?

[outwest77]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

[This message has been edited by outwest77]

Peter , I have a question , or a few questions, after reading your letter more carefully, some of which nobody has addressed.

1)When did you meet this girl and how long did you spend together. How long did you correspond before you met her.

2)Have you met her friends or family.

3)If you find out that the story about the tuition is bogus, what do you plan to do at that point. Will you forgive her if she comes up with a big song and dance about some other expenses that came up and that she was just afraid to tell you about it blah blah. It sounds to me like she is already doing a little bit of fast talking

One thing that you have to do , if i were you, is to set her up on CHIKKA, that way you can text to her cell phone, from your computer, that will make it somewhat easier for you to communicqte with her...www.chikka.com, just enter her cell phone starting with 63.916, etc etc, as her number.

Reading all of the responses to your message and the responses that you have typed back to them, to me indicates that you are a bit worried that she may be conning you, and i understand your apprehension. But , as we all do when we are in  love, you have a tendency to give her 100% benefit of the doubt since you love her, and also to cave if and when the tears and drama come.

The main thing i would recommend To you is, if much of this story does not check out. listen to your gut,if she did lie about the tuition, the least you can do is postpone the wedding,  since there are too many things that have occured in the last month or so, that you are not sure of, You dont want to be trying to make longterm decisions like a wedding with so many questions in your mind. Trust your gut. Find out what is going on,

I can guarantee you one thing, no matter what you find out, whether you find out that the tuition she told you  is totally  not true, or any other thing you discover that she said that is not true, she will cry, she will have a dramatic explanation for it, which makes her seem like a victim....... just speaking from experience from previous stories i have heard.

Keep your chin up my friend, and slow down, and try to find out what is going on, before you possibly make a mistake.

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Peter, posted by outwest77 on Mar 23, 2003

When did you meet this girl and how long did you spend together. How long did you correspond before you met her?
I met her in her Aunts house after other contacts failed we met by chance.  We liked each other from the start and I courted her for 20 days in Cebu.  I never met her before that time.

2) Have you met her friends or family?
I met her Aunt and Mom and they took care of me when I was very sick for 4 days with a super flu.  Her mom came to see me from Kebawi Mindanao when she heard I was engaged to her daughter.  She had to bring with her a letter giving permission to marry that I requested for a future fiancé visa paper work.  
3) If you find out that the story about the tuition is bogus, what do you plan to do at that point?
The tuition was not totally bogus, but inflated x 2.  The 48,000 which I did not pay was really just 10,000 peso.  I did not understand this whole thing of the 48,000 inflated tuition coz if we were to marry this would not be paid anyway.

I thought it could be her way of saying,
look how much you have saved by marrying me!  
And look what I will give up to marry you, a nice cruise ship job that will take the place of being with you.  
I want you to appreciate what I have sacrificed for you coz I love you so much.

Will you forgive her if she comes up with a big song and dance about some other expenses that came up and that she was just afraid to tell you about it blah blah. It sounds to me like she is already doing a little bit of fast talking

I didn’t think she was that smart, she mostly told half truths that was easier to just inflate the truth.  I will confront her with the information I received from the Collage.  I will demand a detailed list of all the true expenses and where the money really went.   If I am not satisfied I will dump her.  If there is a chance of recovery I will see, but unlikely.  I will not know till I confront her.  I have it in writing what she asked for on the net.  She didn’t know that I could copy and paste the chat.   This will be interesting if nothing else.

One thing that you have to do , if I were you, is to set her up on CHIKKA, that way you can text to her cell phone, from your computer, that will make it somewhat easier for you to communicate with her...www.chikka.com, just enter her cell phone starting with 63.916, etc etc, as her number.
I can already contact her using AT&T for text on her cell.  She can not contact me.  Any way she is out of coverage area in the town she is in now.  Her time Wed at 11am will be our next contact.  

I did call her Aunt last night and asked how much the tuition was in school coz I said I had decided to pay for the complete tuition as I had promised.  Aunt did not know how much the tuition was which was strange as she was the one footing the bill till I came along.  

I don’t know if the tears will come, but if they do I am ready for it.

The stories check out, just everything was inflated.  I want to know were the extra money went.  My gut feeling is mixed right now.  I have to see her motivation and why?  
Two soft spots for her is that when I went to check out her tuition fees at the Collage I was told by those that knew her that she mentioned me and was excited about our marriage in July.
I did test her a little, I said I could sell the sports car I have and send her more money.  Her response was please don’t sell the car, she wanted us to keep it if possible.  

If anything, the wedding will be postponed and like you suggested find out what is going on.  Another visit in June without a wedding will be in order.

I am the victim and she will be told that through any tears.

I am slowing down and I value your advice.  

But sometimes to do nothing is already a mistake
Peter Lee

[Humabdos]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

If you want the young stuff you got to pay up. No money no honey! Don't be kuriput Joe.  just pick some more off the money tree out back.lol   Hum

[Humabdos]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

If you want the young stuff you got to pay up. No money no honey! Don't be kuriput Joe.  just pick some more off the money tree out back.lol   Hum

[Lonny]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

Hi Peter,
       I ask my wife about a few of your questions, she is 28 and lived in Davao her first 21 yrs. Her Grandmother lived in Surigao, if you look on a map Davao is about half way down the island on Mindanao, Surigao is about the most northern tip on the island. She said it was (is) a 6 hour bus ride from Davao to Surigao and that 4hrs.in a jeepney & 5hrs.on a motorcycle is a long time.  Her cousin works on a cruise ship and her brother went to navigation school 4yrs. when she saw the cost for school for your fiancée, she said WOW that is allot. Now that being said, all of what your fiancée has said could be true. All of what your friends here at PL have said is good advise, use it and you will be way ahead.

       I sent my wife $100. per month after we were engaged, she worked for government and was paid $85. per month. I knew she wanted to see her friends, say goodbye and take them out to eat and other things, so it is not a bad thing to send her money if you have it to send. I know that some of the guys here send nothing, but the PhilAm couples I know personally all send money to the PI.

       Best of luck and please ask questions our  knowledge is your power.

[Nathan]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

  Trust is a difficult thing to establish. Most men are in the RP a couple of weeks, and it is pretty hard to establish a relationship in that time, though some actually succeed. The content of the lady's character is pretty hard to get a solid fix on sometimes, especially when you add the cultural differences to the mix. In addition, many Filipinas find themselves under heavy pressure from other family members when they have a Kano boyfriend...after all, we are all millionaires, right?
  That said, if asked, my advice would be that if she is less than 100% honest with you, dump her and run, no mattter how it hurts, because it might hurt now, but it could kill you latter.

[Peter Lee]

... in response to tough choices, posted by Nathan on Mar 23, 2003

Hey Nathen,
This is why I am here.   Through chance I have done it the right way.  First meet the girl then email em.  That is what I am doing now, emailing the one I met.  I am looking for red flags with help.  Love is blind and trust goes with it.  I hope when I do the research it will all come out that she was right.

[Nathan]

... in response to Re: tough choices, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 23, 2003


  Yes, that can leave some tough choices...perhaps one finds that someone they cared about is also kind of crooked...that can be a tough call to make.

[Mita]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

http://www.cvis.net.ph/tesda7/tvet%20providers.htm

Hi Peter,
The link has the school's address and phone number.  You can contact them about the fees your fiancee quoted.  I think those fees are not just for tuition but other expenses related to the final courses she had to take. You could ask them to fax or mail you a course prospectus, for a family member or some such thing.  If at all possible, find someone who lives in Cebu who can help you find out more about this course.  Maybe someone here on the board has relatives there who can do some snooping for you.  I understand that you are not paying for her schooling but any discrepancy in what she has told you and what you will find out would indicate she is not as truthful with you.
Trust is important but when you have doubts, it's important to clear all that before you get deeper into a relationship.  
It's rather strange that your fiancee would want to pursue a career that would take her away from you for months in a year.  That is the bigger red flag in my opinion.

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Re: Red Flags and Love?, posted by Mita on Mar 23, 2003

Hi Mita

Your web site you gave me was good and i called her director she knew her personally coz not many women attend there.  Without your web address you gave me i would not have found out the information i needed.  Thank you very much

Peter Lee

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Re: Red Flags and Love?, posted by Mita on Mar 23, 2003

Hi Mita,

This is very painful for me but I will call after this weekend to find out for sure.  If you get any information please let me know.  I did promise her dad I would help her education and took over near the end of her tuition.  I promised 3500 pesos per month and some small expenses.  She did say that she was shocked about the last 2 months course excessive fee.   When I questioned it and said it was a waste of money coz we will marry she said it was ok and agreed.  I had a feeling at the time that she was showing me what she will have to give up to marry me.  It seemed important to her that she could show independance with out me so her decission to be with me would be due to love and commitment.  48,000pesos did raise a red flag inspite of bliding love.  The career was chosen before I met her and she has graduated as planned.  I came in the end of her tuition and school graduation.  All her plans for working on a cruise ship had to change.  I took it as she had to make sure of my commitment before she would let the possible new job go.  I copied the site you gave me down.  Thanks I could't find it myself.

[Howard]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

Pete,

The ATM explaination sounds reasonable, considering the difficulty, even in larger cities, of finding and ATM that's on a network with an American back.  I don't have a problem with that.

The fact that 1/2 the money is gone and in the first month bothers me.  Being very young--no, I'm not taking potshots here, you know my position --and having money for possibly the first time in her life is as much a burden as luxury.  Many around her will invent reasons, along with very convincing arguments, for her to spend the money.  It may be too much pressure for her to have such a large amount of money to be responsible for.  Personally, in your situation, I would have given her a monthly stipen, rather than all the cash at once.  For someone who has never had to budget before, spreading that money out tolast a few months may be much more difficult than you realize!  Also "given money" doesn't carry the importance of money that has been earned.  If she has never held any kind of job and been responsible for budgeting the money she earns, she probably has no clue what it takes to manage that kind of money.

My advice?  Set limits.  Pick a number, keep it to yourself.  If she exceeds it, tell her there is no more.  You'll find out quickly whether or not money is the issue, trust me!

Also, in comparison--which I realize is not always fair--Gerlie refuses the smallest amout of money from me.  She works long hours for little pay, but by Filipino standards she has a pretty good job.  Because of a complication with her birth certificate, she ran into costs that we had not anticipated and had to reluctantly accpet cash from me so that we could take care of it in a more timely fashion.  Now, I trust her completely.  There is no doubt in the slightest.  She has earned and deserves my trust.  The amount of money is not staggering.  When I sent it she told me she would give me an accounting of how she spent the money I sent.  I told her it wasn't necessary, because I trusted her and the amount seemed very reasonable.  Within a week, at her insistance, we spent 1/2 and hour online going over a to the peso accounting of the money I sent.  Not that I was paying that much attention, as I said, she has earned my trust, but it was absolutely accurate. I just thought I'd share that so you could compare notes.  I'm sure others her have similar stories.

Tuition?  I have a hard time believing that tuition for anything in the Philippines costs almost $1000.00. Gerlie was in MEDICAL SCHOOL--Maybe I'm stretching here, but it would seem becoming a nurse would be more expensive than a cruise ship attendant--and according to her Tatay tuition was was P20,000 per semester.  Like Ray, I have no way of knowing what tuition in the Philippines actually is, but I have a REAL heard time believing that's a real number.  I will ask Gerlie if she can make a phone call or two and get us some info.

Red Flags? You're eyes are more open than many.  Keep 'em that way.  Personally, her asking for the money isn't as much a warning sign as how she will handle it if you don't give her the cash.  

Keep the Faith Man!

Like you, I have been very open about my triumphs and tragedies on here.  I respect the fact that you continue to post even though you have taken your share of hits.  If there anything I can do, know that I am here bro

H

[SteveG]

... in response to Set Limits..., posted by Howard on Mar 23, 2003

Howard and Peter,
 We have paid for two of Melly's sisters college education and the amount we sent was typically $700 per semester to cover everything.   When I say 'everything' I mean boarding house, tuition, books and food.   There was some help by each of the sisters working part time and also an Aunt helping with the boarding and some expenses for some of the time.  This was a college in Davao offering a 4 year degree.   It's supposedly one of the more prestigious and therefore expensive colleges in Mindanao.  When you compare this to $1000 just for tuition in a school offering not a degree but only work on a cruise ship it does sound high but not totally unbelievable.  
                               SteveG

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Set Limits..., posted by Howard on Mar 23, 2003

Yes thanks,
About the limits I agree with you for now.  But I wanted to do it my way.  The problems with limits is there is little chance of red flags to show up.  This way it may have been a little more expensive but it shows a little about how she deals with what's there.  I suspected the ATM problem to be true and thanks for the confirmation.  When I asked her about the money used she just said the graduation was more expensive than she thought and there was 6000 left from approx 10,000.  This seemed reasonable and I let it go.  I have to say that I was upset when I checked the account and all the money was withdrawn without her telling me.   But when I talked to her on the phone there was so much innocence and her attitude was that everything is ok that I got over it.  I never took in to account that she would be leaving Cebu for the sticks and she couldn’t get to an ATM that would work, specialy at her home town.  I was going to monitor her withdrawals to see how she would handle the money in the account.  Up to this time she was doing fine.  I have decided to send no more money and see how she handles that per your suggestion.  The money was for her to last till July anyway.  Now she will have to learn to manage what she has.  With school graduation behind her and living with her parents it shouldn’t cost too much. She stayed at her [rich] Aunt's house when she attended school and did chores to offset her stay there.  The high tuition fee was only for the last 2 months of seaman’s course which seemed very high at 48,000 pesos. The regular course was just 3500 per semester.  I appreciate any information Gerlie would come up with for me on that.  It seems to be the only thorn in my side right now.  Thanks for your long reply I would not know who else I could talk to about this execpt this forum.  I realize that not all can be like your Gerlie even though we wish they were.  Thanks  

[Dave H]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

Hi Peter,

I don't know about the cost of seaman's school, but will try to find out. The seaman’s school itself seems like a waste of money to me, since you will be married soon and she will be living in the US. The school may be good for a Filipino wanting a well paying job on a cruise ship somewhere in the world. Does she plan on using this training to get a job on a US based cruise ship after she arrives here?

Dave H.