The Joys of Red Flags

[NateD]

You know, with all this talk of bad "track records" and red flags, I thought I'd go ahead and share an incident of my own; I know I'm pretty low in actual experience in the area of red flags, but I'm pretty sure this has to be one:

There was a girl who wrote to me at the beginning of last summer, which shocked me to no end because I'd had no Filipina pen pals for a long time, and getting her letter was the last thing I'd expected.  Well, to make a long story short, I have to say that, as I view this with my brain, the flags are definitely there--and she's pretty good too.  In her first letter, she immediately brought up me purchasing a cell phone for her because it facilitated quicker communication and would allow us to get to know each other better more quickly.  When I wrote back telling her that I didn't believe it was possible for me to get her a cell phone, she wrote back another letter, and this one also brought up the mention of a cell phone--only this type of cell phone would be a souvenir from my country (how, by the way, would a souvenir phone from the U.S. do any good over there?  Not to be mean, but I don't think it's possible...)  Anyhow, in the last letter I got from her, she put in this sappy bit about how she "loves" me.

Now, from those who have a lot more experience at this than I do--would you say I have some pretty good red flags in there?

Me, personally--I think I should say goodbye before I end up in trouble.

Take care,
NateD

[outwest77]

... in response to The Joys of Red Flags, posted by NateD on Dec 11, 2002

[This message has been edited by outwest77]


If the girl starts out by saying, oh its very expensive to go to the internet cafe etc etc, or, I have a problem..... or, can you please buy me a cellphone so i can talk to you  RUN , DONT WALK, RUN. Any mention of finances to me is actually a good thing if it happens early in the correspondence, because its like saying, HEY IM A GOLD DIGGER, FLASHING NEON SIGN, saves you  a lot of time and wasted energy, BYE HONEY.

My gf never asks me for money, if she did i would not send it.
Its too tempting for the girl to scam the guy if he starts offering money for this money for that, It puts money into the picture where you cant distinguish if the  girl likes you or your money.

I have visited my gf for 3 months in the phils in 2002, even when i am there, if she sees something she wants, i wont automatically buy it for her, If i feel like buying her a gift etc i will but if she sees something she likes, she buys it, she has a job. It has to be give and take, not take take take in a relationship.

Most cafes are about 40p per hour, and they can easily go in for 15 mins and email you , thats 10p for 15 minutes, I know some girls are poor etc, but unless you have been there in the phils and watched girls sitting in the cafes talking on yahoo messenger to 4 guys at once on the webcam, you dont understand the scam aspect.

My advice is, if the girl is your penpal only, and you have not met her, never send a dime, even if you have met her in person, etc, dont send money, it invites scammers, and puts up a wall between you, and then you end up arguing about money and being suspicious if she is a golddigger, etc.

And NEVER BUY A CELL PHONE FOR HER, UNLESS SHE IS YOUR FIANCEE,

There are tons of foreigners who have "gf" in the phils who send the girl hundreds of dollars a month , and think they are doing a big favor to the girl and helping her and her family, I cant tell you how many times i have heard stories of how much conflict and heartache that causes for the guy eventually when he finds out he has been scammed, To me, its his fault for trying to be a bigshot and not thinking, 100 dollars a month in the phils
is the equivalent to 1000 dollars a month in the US. Would you give a girl in the USA 1000 dollars a month.?

[Ray]

... in response to Dont Send Money,,,,,,,,,,Period, posted by outwest77 on Dec 13, 2002

out,

I agree with everything you said, except for the part about 15 minutes in an Internet cafe. The connections are surely faster in Manila than in other parts of the islands. For example, when I was in Surigao City, it wasn't unusual to take 15-20 minutes just to open your mailbox and see if you had mail. The average time to read your mail and respond was closer to 2 hours when you consider the slow connections, disconnects, retyping, waiting for a computer, etc.

The costs of daily communication by Internet are very substantial for the average ladies in the Phils, but I agree with you that you should never send money when in the pen-pal stage. But being considerate works both ways. The decent ladies will find a way to cover the expense without asking for money and the decent guys will not expect them to be on-line every day. If you can’t handle e-mails once or twice a week, then maybe you shouldn’t be in this game.

Ray

[Peter Lee]

... in response to The Joys of Red Flags, posted by NateD on Dec 11, 2002

I am new to write on this site although I have followed along for a while.   I was e-mailing a lady in Davao and it was getting along very good.   I started to spill out my personal life and even get emotional when writing.   She said that she would write more often but it was very expensive to go to the e-mail cafes.   I thought I had a good relationship going and bought a ticket for
Davao for Jan 03.   I called her several times and always I was the initiator of the conversation, oh well I thought I was told they are shy.   She is 25 I am 49 no problem she says.  With this situation in mind I called Western Union.
It cost $15 to send money to her.   So I thought if I send $25 or $50 and I have to send more lately that could mean $30 to $45 fees just to send the money.   So I did the foolish thing of sending $100 to save me money in the long run I thought.   That is over 5300pasos, you could buy a lot of e-mail with that.    The e-mail letters didn't come more frequent but less.   I called asked what's going on and how did she use the money?   Any money left?   She bought her father some sandals that she claimed was 1000pasos for his birthday.   Then she claimed she helped two of her brothers with some money.    How much do you have left I asked?   Is there enough to pick me up at the Airport I said laughingly?   1000pasos left she says, she had to get some jewelry out of hock and that took most of the money.   What about the pictures you promised to get to send me when you got the money?   Sorry but I have a web site with some pictures on it.   Why didn't you tell me about the web site before I asked, I was going to tell you but I forgot.   She was the only one at the time who knows my flight arrival from Manila.   We talked again on the phone and she asked me for a cell phone.   How much?
7500pasos, I want to hear your voice.   I said you here it now what do you want to talk about.   I have to do most of the talking when I call.   What is the point of you buying a cell phone if you don't talk to me?   Can you buy it for me for Christmas?   Don't forget to bring me a present from
USA.   Now I am getting steamed but I don't show it on the phone.   I try for a test - I have a laptop I can bring maybe that would be a good present.   Bingo all conversation and concentration is on the laptop.  I end the call nicely.    Now I write the email from hell.   How nice you look in your picture.   Now I itemize all my disappointments one by one.   She replies back with the first e-mail letter that shows her superior education and intelligence and the longest mail yet.   Explaining in detail that it is her money and didn't think she had to check with me before spending it.   [She was right]  I get on the chat line in filipinaheart and ask several ladies they say dump her right away.   Some say meet her, no big deal it happens all the time, she may be still a good girl.   I am part German and stubborn I don't write back.   Instead I write to as many ladies as I can and find one that will meet me in Davao.   The New one asks for no money or cell phone and I know she has to scrimp to send e-mail to me for 50pasos.   The old gf is this an example of  Philippine pride, then this is an example of German stubbornness.  But I will not e-mail her again unless she mails me again.  Although I should have known better emotions cloud the mind.  I am still not sure if I made a mistake.   What say you all any advice?   I am packing for 1st of Jan for Davao and anything may be helpful.   I enjoyed your fights and glad it has simmered down.   I left a few details out like she got an apartment in Davao away from her home to get a job.  I ask how much do you earn if you land a job 50 to 75 cents per day.   I said how much would it take to save up 5300pasos.   Almost a life time as you have to pay rent and food out the money you earn.   So I pointed out that this shows she will never save money in her life time and show poor discipline for after when she is married and has to help handle money affairs with children and households.   She did apologize to me but said that I owe her an apology also for insinuating that she was scamming me.     Who is right? was there red flags or did I imagine them?

[Bob S]

... in response to Re: The Joys of Red Flags, posted by Peter Lee on Dec 13, 2002

A hundred bucks?  Bah!  Nothing.  Don't think of it as a mistake.  It was required tuition in a hard but necessary lesson here.  My full tuition fees for a hard earned education with my Siberian mistake cost a helluvuh lot more than that.

Bob
(freezing my arse off in Tokyo)

[Ray]

... in response to Re: The Joys of Red Flags, posted by Peter Lee on Dec 13, 2002

Hi Peter,

Read the response again from Dave H. He gave you good advice. Try to find a woman like his.

I think you were using your head and realized that there were some serious red flags there. The girl definitely sounds like she is motivated by money, but I think you could have handled things a little differently. When you give someone an unconditional gift of cash, it is very rude to grill them on how they spent it. Writing the “email from hell” was probably not a good idea either. When you see something like this that turns you off, my advice would be to politely excuse yourself from the relationship. Just walk away quietly and don’t look back. There are plenty of other nice ladies out there. Just leave money completely out of the equation next time.

One more tip: At you age, you could probably increase your odds significantly by looking for a woman above the age of thirty.

Good luck,

Ray

[Humabdos]

... in response to Re: The Joys of Red Flags, posted by Peter Lee on Dec 13, 2002

NO WAY! If you get hooked up with her you'll be sorry! Are you going to visit her?  Please don't ! I can recommend alot of things to do while you are there as My Mahal is from Davao. Please E-mail me at Humabdos@aol.com

Hum

[Humabdos]

... in response to Re: The Joys of Red Flags, posted by Peter Lee on Dec 13, 2002

NO WAY! If you get hooked up with her you'll be sorry! Are you going to visit her?  Please don't ! I can recommend alot of things to do while you are there as My Mahal is from Davao. Please E-mail me at Humabdos@aol.com

Hum

[may10]

... in response to Re: The Joys of Red Flags, posted by Peter Lee on Dec 13, 2002

I read a line a long time ago about, sitting in your corner and then suddenly love finding you.

All my life,  all I ever wished for was to find the man I will love forever.  I prayed every year (we call it Novena here) in a church somewhere in Baguio.....every year....every Valentine's day.

Years passed...my friends were married and somehow I was alone.  Still I continued to pray.

And then I finally realized, maybe I wasn't meant to be married.  That my dream of falling in love and getting married was not what God meant it to be.  That my role was to be single.  I learnt that word to justify that too.....single blessedness.   *smile*

So,  on valentine's day 2000,  when I went to my yearly trek to my church,  I prayed to God....NOT for the man I would love forever but in the acceptance of what He has planned out for me.

It was exactly like the line I read a long time ago which went something like,  when you sit in your corner,  love comes along and finds you.

God just wanted me to learn patience.  *Smile*   He also wanted me to see the differences in people and in so doing appreciate that special person when he finally comes along.  

Think of your experience as that.  Maybe,  God wanted you to meet and see that lady to appreciate the love that soon He will give you.  *smile*

 

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Re: The Joys of Red Flags, posted by may10 on Dec 13, 2002

Hi May,

It worked for me too! Once I stopped "hunting" for love, it found me sitting in my corner. I had felt that I would probably never remarry after 5 years of searching for "The One." I finally left it in God's hands and met the lady of my dreams (literally) a short time later. *S* I'm very happy for you and Barry! *Smile* Warm regards to you and Barry.

Dave H.

[may10]

... in response to *Smile*, posted by Dave H on Dec 13, 2002

*smile*....and a very Merry Christmas to you and Marife.  

[Mita]

... in response to Re: The Joys of Red Flags, posted by Peter Lee on Dec 13, 2002

How did she manage to put up her website if she was so poor she can't even email you?  

This is what my husband and I have been talking about...a woman (or even a man online) can have 3 men sending her money one month and another 3 to send the next month...and so on and so forth.  

There are others you will find who are blessed with a good heart.  Don't waste your time on the cheap, money-grabbing ones.
Mita

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: The Joys of Red Flags, posted by Peter Lee on Dec 13, 2002

[This message has been edited by Dave H]

Hi Peter,

$100 is a cheap lesson to learn about this girl. I wouldn't email or visit her PERIOD! This type is never satisfied and will spend money faster than you can make it. My Filipina wife has "Philippine Pride" which in her case meant that she never asked for anything or told me about the hardships they were suffering. I had the opposite problem, having to find things out through a third party and having her refuse assistance. I've never met another woman like her...she's just like me! (Scotish, Irish, German). ) Why not turn this into a relaxing vacation instead? Maybe meet a few other penpals and Filipinas that you come in contact with. Filipinas are friendly and very easy to meet...although usually a bit shy at first. Enjoy yourself with no pressure or hurry in finding "THE ONE" on this trip. It very well may happen anyway. Have a GREAT trip!

Dave H.

[SteveG]

... in response to The Joys of Red Flags, posted by NateD on Dec 11, 2002

[This message has been edited by SteveG]

Nate,
 Yep, this is a big shiny red flag.  She may not necessarily be the 'evil to the core green card shark' some guys would accuse her of being but at the very least she is imature and thinks that all Americans have bottomless pits of money to spend.   There are too many good women over there to waste time on one like this!

 This is why I believe in the benefit of writing so strongly.  If you work at it long enough, so many of the 'bad' ones will reveal themselves sooner or later.  You just have to use your head and not your emotions (easy to say - hard to do) and not ignore the warnings when they jump up and slap you in the face!
                   SteveG

[Mita]

... in response to The Joys of Red Flags, posted by NateD on Dec 11, 2002

Say Sayonara, Paalam, Adieu and Good bye!