it's over--now I need a beer

[Ray]

... in response to Your right !, posted by Humabdos on Sep 14, 2002

:-P

[MsDuong]

... in response to Culture Clash does not mean The End, posted by Tim on Sep 14, 2002

Yes, Tim, I did understand the Asian culture. And I had my concerns about the relationship between men and women. I knew asian men were not affectionate. I don't like alot of affection. The concerns I did have, I talked over with Thai before we married. The concerns were equality in the realtionship from everything concerning housework to money to raising the kids. We talked that dicisions would be made by both of us. He always told me that he wanted things to be differant than what his brothers had. That is why he wanted an American women.

In order to stay in this relationship there are a few things I would have to adjust to.

1)Me and my daughters would have to come  second to his family. That means we are way down the line. ( He has a big family)
2) I would have to allow him to do whatever he wants, no questions asked.

3) When he leaves the house, I could never ask him where he is going, or when he'll come back.

4) I can only expect to make love to my husband no more than 2 times a week, if that.

5) I would have to let him live between my house and his brothers. ( I never know when to expect him home, when to have supper ready, etc.)

6) I would have to foot all the bills. Because he has no obligation to help pay rent etc. if he is basically over to his brothers house most of the time. Nor will he help pay for food, because his sister cooks for him.

7) Basically, I would have no rights in this realationship, nor have any say so in ANYTHING. And in return for all this,  I get his love, BUT not his devotion, mind you.

Everyway I look at it, I can not live that way. Maybe I just did not understand that when he was agreeing to live  our lives with our cultures combinded that what he meant by this.

We have had sooo many conversations and the last converstaion we had, I asked him if he thought he REALLY loved me. He had no answer. And I took his silence as the real answer and what I had to do.

[MsDuong]

... in response to Tim, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

I meant to say, I THOUGHT I did understand the asian culture. You can't fully untill you are totaly immersed in it.

[Tim]

... in response to Re: Tim, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

nt

[Nathan]

... in response to Tim, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

Lori,

  Keep up the clear thinking. If everything is just as you say, clashing cultures DO ACCOUNT for some of it...many Asian men think that no matter what kind of a horse's AZZ they are, it is none of their wife's business. I have traveled all over Asia and lived in two asian countries. IT's true. No matter what cultural excuses are given...the net result for you is the same. Frankly, your experience morrors one of the reasons Asian women are often so interested in marrying non-asian men. Being a horse's AZZ
can be part of a "cultural difference"...but it's all  horse poop just the same.

Nathan

[Stephen]

... in response to back ends of horses..., posted by Nathan on Sep 14, 2002

I like easy to understand explanation of the cultural differences.

[Tim]

... in response to Tim, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

Lori, I fully understand your situation is tough right now. But think about this - you have ticked off 7 items in your list as if they are Absolutes. Why do you think this is so ? Time can change alot. What you think is engraved in stone now could change in time. For example, how do you know he won't begin to help pay the bills once he gets a steady income ? How do you know you would have to forfeit all your rights ?

I could go on, but let's just cut to the chase.

What I think is that you have already made up your mind, and are just looking for support for your decision here. Well, you will definitely find it -  but not from me. I think you are premature. I think you have a decent chance to salvage this marriage if you wanted to.

Furthermore, I do NOT think you understand Asian culture. Reading about it and discussing it is one thing, but actually understanding it is entirely different. If you truly understood it you would have either 1) never married the guy, or 2) would not be giving up now.

Sorry for my bluntness. I'm sure my replies will not be popular here, but it won't be the first time.

I wish you good luck no matter what.

Regards, Tim

[Ray]

... in response to it's over--now I need a beer, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

Lori,

Before you threw him out, you should have at least had him  do your nails first :-)

I know, I'm terrible!

Ray

[Bob S]

... in response to it's over--now I need a beer, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

"I told him we needed to have a serious talk. SERIOUS TALK. He would not say anything. He would not answer me. So I asked him to leave. He feels like such a stranger to me."

Yep.  Been there, done that.

"But after I told him to leave tonight, there is just a great sense of relief."

Amen to that.  Preachin' to the choir, girl (well, maybe a choir of one or two here).  When you reach a point where you realize beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are playing a losing hand, it is with more relief than sadness that you chose to fold.  Yes, it is embarassing what we go through, but deep down we have to have some secret pride to realize we have the strength to call it off fast while others like martyrs might drag out a wretched soap opera, putting on a false face that all is well.  In truth, others also see how bad things are and will admire you more for doing what has to be done.

BTW, on a somewhat personal note.  I never was much of a serious drinker.  But the first time I got falling-down sh!tface plastered was the weekend I went to party in Vegas with my friends after I told my ex to leave.  It's not a bad town to drown and then forget your sorrows. 8-D

[Jeff S]

... in response to it's over--now I need a beer, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

I don't know what to say, Lori. Here's hoping everyting works out OK. Don't worry too much about your girls. Kids are resiliant that way. I'm sure they know you were sincere and I'm sure, feel betrayed, just as you do.  Whatever you do, don't blame yourself.

I hope you will eventually get a chance to look back at it as an adventure and a chance, one worth taking. You know when old, retired people in wheelchairs are asked what they would do with their lives if they had them to do over again, most answered that they'd take more chances, take Robert Frost's "Road Less Travelled" rather than the safe route. I know this is little consolation for having your heart broken.

Anyway stick around - we appreciate your input and your humor.

- Jeff

[Howard]

... in response to it's over--now I need a beer, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

Lori,

I am SO sorry.  I have been praying that I was just being sinical, like I felt many were when I was trying to sort my mess out, but it did seem all to familiar to me.  I am very sorry that you and your daughters have to go through this!  No one with honorable intentions should have to feel the way you are right now.  It's a shame!

If your heart tells you something stinks... follow it!  I had similar doubts, in a very similar situation if you remember, and waited more than a year to do anything.  I hate to repeat advice that I myself didn't want to hear, but if it's broken, you can't fix it.  All the love, perseverence and patience in the world won't make the situation better for anyone but the one who created it, Thai and/or his family.

I know EXACTLY how you feel kido  But you are wrong on on a few points.  This has nothing to do with you.  This is not about you being unworthy of love!  I know it may feel that way, but it's just not that way.  You were misled and fooled by the omnipresent excuse for everything, "Cultural Differences".  Whether intentional or not, it was a convenient excuse to help you accept rude and uncaring behavior.

I think the biggest thing that helped me deal with everything, besides family support, was finally letting go of the idea that I did something wrong to ruin the relationship.  It had little to do with me, mine was doomed to fail from the get go.  I'm sure it is the same with you.  If this was a scam, it wasn't about you.  You were simply the vehicle.  

If there is ANYTHING I can do, if you just wanna talk, whatever, just email me and we can trade war stories.

I am really quite sorry that this happened!

Keep the Faith!

Howard

[Terry C]

... in response to it's over--now I need a beer, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

Lori, Really sorry to hear that it isn't working out. Please don't be down on yourself for having 2 kids by 2 men. I don't have a stellar past either, but found real love anyway from a woman who knows my past. I am familiar with the "behind the back" talk from "friends". Ignore it. I've found that the people who do that aren't your friends anyway, and in my case, they continue even after almost 4 years of a happy marriage. Lori, I hope you can extricate yourself from this situation without too much damage, and eventually find real love and a good future with someone who deserves you. Btw, I've found that Coors Lite gives less hangover!

[Ozymandias]

... in response to it's over--now I need a beer, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

Hi Lori,

You don't know me, but I've been following your story for quite some time.

I am so sorry things turned out this way.

2 children from different relationships doesn't disqualify you from being loved.
--
Best regards,
Arild

[Stephen]

... in response to it's over--now I need a beer, posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

Lori:

Tess and I are very sorry to hear about this.

I think that you have to follow what your heart is telling you.  If you want to divorce him....it's better to do it now.

One important question:  How are your kids responding to this?  

God bless.  

Stephen

[MsDuong]

... in response to Re: it's over--now I need a beer, posted by Stephen on Sep 14, 2002

Well, ,like I said I have left a few things out.

When we were in Vietnam, Jessica and Thai really bonded. I was kinda worried that they would rulled the house and it would be me against them.

It all changed when he arrived here. He takes no initiative to communicate with my daughters.

Remember that since he arrived here in America, most of his time was spent at his bothers house. So the little one hardly ever saw him ( I have joint custody of her). My older one just did not feel comfortable around him .

One of the things that really bothered me: I thought to myself over and over that my girls and him would never form a bond. To me that is the most important thing.

I broke the news to Jessi, my oldest, last night. I think she was a bit relived. But it is going to take time to find out what kind of damage I have done to them by recklessly persuing this dream of mine.