Yes, Tim is correct, most of this can be set against cultural differences. However, I am of the mind that when you move to another nation you should adapt. Filipinas adapt to American differences. I do not see why Americans are supposed to adapt to others in their homelands, and then do it all over again in America. When in Rome Americans are supposed to act like Romans, and when in America, Romans insist on acting like Romans and expect Americans to adapt to them. It is a double standard and unfair.

The bad part is this is exactly the way eighty percent of Filipinos act. Sleep with the wife enough to keep her satisfied when you cannot find a mistress. Most Filipinos actually think a man who loves his own wife too much is a fool. Wives are for housework and having and raising children. They want a steady submissive wife and a naughty mistress. Is is any wonder why Filipinas prefer not Asian men? They have seen how their fathers and uncles and brothers and cousins act. Lori if you want a big romantic like my darling the odds are you married into the wrong race. There are a very few native Asian men who act like my darling naturally and some more who have been very heavily westernized who do it too. Sure there are very bad American men there are bad people everywhere including bad Filipinas as some men here know. There are also very good Asian men. However the American man is the stylized ideal husband when he is good. You have heard why Filipinas want American men not just for green cards and money but because they think an American man will love them better and be more faithful and support the family better. I was married once to an Asian man, a Filipino. When we could not have children he put me through much pain and discomfort with many medical things and even folk remedies. When it did not work he became abusive and he cheated on me all the time and I was supposed to accept it. He finally left me for another woman and had our marriage anulled because Uncle threatened him if he abused me any more. I was made to feel ashamed when I had done nothing wrong. I tried to be a good wife even when I knew he was cheating because I was ashamed I had failed to give him children. Wake up this is the Asian way. Ask my other Asian sisters the Chinese and Japanese how the average Asian man acts once he gets you to marry him. I know most about Filipinos and not as much about the others except those that live in the Philippines. It is not just a better life in money that we seek abroad. It is love and respect that we crave and so seldom find. I would say that as few as one in ten marriages in the Philippines are good or happy marriages by American standards. Even my Uncle whom I love dearly is a bit of a scalawag but he is still very good to my Aunt in other ways so she does not mind his infrequent escapades too much since they grow even more infrequent as he is in his seventies. And for a Filipino husband he is really a very good one. Filipinas are jealous because infidelity among husbands in the Philippines is so very common.

I have no idea of the feelings you are having right now. I cannot say whether or not you should give up. Only you know that in your heart. Only you can do that which is best for yourself and your children. Just thank God this is America where you have choice and rights. Stories like yours and from my homeland make me realize how very lucky I have been with my dear husband. There is nothing that is not forbidden by God he could not ask of me. Nothing. He is so good to me.

But instead of asking American men about this, ask Febtember and No Name Pinay and Mrs. Bear and others. Ask Asian women about Asian men in general before you make up your mind. They will not tell you that their father or Uncle does these things as it is usually not said about their family, but they can tell you how many women they know back home who have had cheating husbands. Then ask yourself if he will ever come to be close to the American standard for husbands. The good many husbands. Will he compromise and learn that this is America where women are respected? Ask Asian women about Asian men and how most of them act. Then decide.

We will now resume our vacation until things settle down here. I thought I owed Mrs. Duong after my hasty post about American women after we were accosted in the mall that time. I meant no disrespect (Don's daughters are American women and very nice), as Don knows Febtember meant no disrespect. He was not angry when he answered you, Feb. Just a little sad. He said "forgiven, forgotten" and he is as good as his word. He always is. But with the name calling still going on here we will take a further vacation. Tim is not stupid no matter what others may say, he is very wise and has everyone's best interests at heart. Besides, he looks very handsome, like Clint Eastwood. His advice is not to be despised. But he has never been married to an Asian man. So take his advice and that of other Filipinas or Asian women here then distill it and make your decision. It is yours and only yours to make anyhow no matter what others think.

VICKY

Lori asks, "Do you REALLY love me?"  Is Thai's inability to answer this question part of the cultural difference?  If so, is it because he cannot be straight forward with a heavy emotional and confrontational question such as this, or because he is saving face by not saying 'No'?  Or is it because he expects, as some asian old-world cultures expect, that the purpose of marriage is something like a business arrangement and love will follow in time?

Getting silence in response to this question can be very devastating.

Jim

By western standards, it is quite common for Asian men to show little outward affection for their wives. The key phrase there is "by western standards". Thai's behavior is perfectly acceptable from his (and his family's) point of view. His #1 priority is survival in a new country. That means getting established in a job. Everything else (including you, and your needs) is of secondary importance.

Also, he will put his family loyalty above his loyalty to you. Get used to it, you won't change that. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means his family bonds are always going to be stronger. You can learn to accept this if you try.

As for the issue of SERIOUS TALK. Come on now, you should know that it is a cultural trait of most Asian countries to balk at direct confrontation of issues (especially problems). You have to use more patience and ease into these type of discussions. Laying it out flatly and bluntly will get you nowhere.

IMHO, you are contemplating throwing in the towel too soon. You are experiencing severe culture clash with Thai.
This does not mean THE END. It can be overcome just like other couples in mixed marriages have overcome it.

The bottom line is this: how much of a commitment do you have to making this marriage succeed ? If your commitment is a real one, you will need to adjust your views and actions. The burden is on you, my dear. You are playing on your home turf, and Thai is still trying to adapt to a strange new land. You must put more effort into this first, and give him time. His contribution will come later
(and I believe it WILL come, but slowly, and over time).

This is just my opinion, and I'm just one guy. Ultimately you must do what you feel is best. But I wanted to take the time to answer you because I think you are giving up too soon.

Regards, Tim

What I am advising her to do is to give more to the relationship NOW. Give him more time to adjust before judging and summarily dismissing his commitment to her. Yes, I know this will mean sacrifice on her part. Sometimes marriage requires this (if it is the life-time commitment we all hope it is). Later on she can expect him to give more, on equal terms, but not yet. If this giving on his part never materializes, then she can end the marriage in good faith that she tried everything she could.

I suspect he is confused and embarassed about the problems with her. He may quite possibly feel he has done nothing wrong, and (from the facts she has related) is just trying to better their long-term situation. He may feel he's sacrificing his relationship with her now in order to have a more stable marriage in the future, one in which he can make more of a contribution. This is the Asian way of thinking. It's something they do when necessary and just accept; to discuss it is not always appropriate since it involves his "face".

Don't get me wrong, if Lori was telling us about infidelity, abuse, or criminal activity I would be the first to advise her to get out. But the events she has related are nothing like this. They all can be related to cultural upbringing, misunderstandings, and miscommunication. I think it would be a shame if she allowed these things to end her marriage without giving things more time. I mean, the man has only been back home for a couple of days, right ?

I am not convinced the next move is up to him. I think she should take the initiative if she wants to keep the marriage alive.

Regards, Tim

He never would give me an address where he was staying while he was in california getting his manicure license. Who knows, maybe she kept him there past the 10 weeks.

I just don't trust him anymore. I HAVE tried. Even sleeping in the same bed when I felt like we were strangers.

I know more and more keeps coming out. I can't tell it all at once, but I am trying.

Also, when it ccomes time for our aos interview, I would have to lie to the INS and say that we have been residing in the same house since we have been married.

Hum