well..

[MsDuong]

I told my family. They are relieved at my decision.

Out of my almost 6 months of marrage, I have spent a total of about 6 weeks of it with my husband. Of that 6 weeks, I would say that we have actually lived together about  a total of 3 weeks. Of that 3 weeks everyday he was at his brothers house.

I know I posted a while back, and most of you knew what was going on , and I got pissed at your answers. I did make excuses, only because I did not want to appear ignorant.

They decided that Thai was going to go to school.( They did not include me in this) They came to me about it. I had my doubts. But they told me not to worry, that he would go in the future. It would be quite a ways down the road. We would save money and build the relationship. The next thing I knew Thai was leaving in about a week. I told them , "No way!!" There were things we needed to take into concideration. He still had not had his finger print appointment. We would be getting a letter any day for that. But they said I had not gotten it yet, right? Right I said. I reminded Thai that my rent had increased. I had just paid for Jessica's cheerleading, and had gotten her violin. Also, the wedding reception took a chunk of it. Remember that Thai was working at this time. So, I figured, I could spend the money and quickly replace it in the savings. I knew if he stopped working and something happened to my car or I got sick  I would be in serious trouble financially. I told him this, I explained it over and over to all of them. He left anyway, with the reassurance his family would be here for me if I needed anything.

A few days after he left, I got the letter for the finger printing. I called his brother. Of course he thought I was just trying to get him to come back here. So I had to take the letter to him. They flew him back, he stayed 4 days, most of it at his brothers house.

His family did not contact me once while he was gone. We went from his sister regularly sending me a small dish on sundays, to nothing. No phone calls nada. The only time we did talk was when I would call them because I had not heard from Thai in a while, then suddenly I would get a call from them. They would not give me the #, They would always take care of it.

When Thai returned home, he went from the airport to his brothers house. He did not call or let me know he was in town. He stayed there for 3 hours before he came to see me. Do you love and miss your wife?? You know that she hurt her elbow and could not work for 2 weeks, struggling to make ends meet. But yet you go to your bothers and visit for 3 freaking hours before you even go to your wife?? I mean, you would have to be a total freakin' idiot to beleive that. If you loved her, no matter what culture you are from, she is the first person you would go to, right?

I showed him my bills. How I was late on everything. He just showed no emotion. He did not even ask how I got my car fixed ($200). Or how Jessi and Emma were. He just talked about School and his work, that he would not work right away, he would go for further training. I told him he needed to get at least a part time job, doing something. We need to pay these bills. No answer, never an answer.

It's been 24 hours since he left. Even if I took Tim's advice, Thai would have to make the first move. I just don't see that happening. I just don't see it.

We have not had our aos interview yet. So I really don't know what to do. I am afraid if I don't report this to the INS, i might get into trouble. I can not get a divorce, I don't have the money and probably won't for some time. I did check into working at the blockbuster part time , so maybe that will be ok. I think I might have to have surgery on my elbow eventually.

I sam not going to look for love again. And I am not just saying that. I told myself this was my last effort. I'm done. Besides there is something to be said for being alone. I think I might have become a bit anti-social during this whole thing. I don't know if I like people anymore. What's the use, you give your time, you hang your heart out there and what do you have when they get bored. I'm not just talking about men, I'm also refuring to basic friendships. I don't  have a best friend. I don't have anyone to go to the movies with, or things like that. So when you go to a theater and you see that woman sitting by herself, well, that's probably me. I'll live my life through the movies and have my laughs there, my cries there, and my fears there. Because there is no way in He11 I'll ever trust anyone again enough to even have a cup of mojo with. I'm tired. This is not the short term tired you get over with. This is the lifetime wearyness that lingers in your soul and suffocates you till you can not breathe without the memories flooding into your life again.
kids, work, save, travel, that's my plans for the future.

[Howard]

... in response to well.., posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

"When you least it Love will come again"

Lori,

I know that the last thing on your mind right now is falling in love again.  You have more importing things to focus on but, Hum makes a great point.  I have been told the same thing in the past.  I didn't believe it either.  Then it happened!

By December of last year I was physically, emotionally and almost financially bankrupt.  I had been estrangred from my wife since the begining of July and there looked to be little hope that she would even return, let alone be the wife I thought I'd married.  A friend who was in a position to help stepped in and did just that and she was on her way home.  

Her little escapade cost me thousands of dollars.  Supposedly--which I do not doubt from other sources--I saved her father's life.  I had hoped and prayed--I mean really prayed.  NOT my M.O.--that absence would make the heart grow fonder, but was met with more indifference than ever!  Within a few days of her return she begged me for a divorce.  I resisted for a week or so, until she moved out.  I knew that if she was out of our house, we could never resolve our issues.  HER issues.

I was distraught to say the least!  Lost and hopeless was more appropriate.  I spent my mother's last Christmas on Earth--her favorite time of year--at home alone, cleaning.  Had I known then what I do now, I would have celebrated a mother's unwavering support in a son that always seems to be on the threshold of happiness, rather than isolate myself from those who love me most.  Hindsight is always 20/20.

My mother spent the last five months of her life worrying about me rather than taking care of herself.  I guess that's what mothers do, but I can't help but wish that we had spent that time more wisely.

By January I had already given up on ever being with someone who could find the effort to love me worth their while.

In November--sorry if I seem to be jumping aroud too much in my timeline--I had a conversation with dear friends.  We forged a bond on PL that has transended into real life.  When in Manila working on visas Dan and I--along with Stuart who is on the PL MIA list--hooked our fiancee`s up.  Mares--Ched to many here--and Ayesa got along quite well and went to the Embassy many times together.  They got here a week apart and we were married a month or so apart.  Dan and Mares came to our wedding and between that and lots of phone calls we all became good friends.

Mares was very upset at what Ayesa was doing.  She kept telling her what a good guy she married--Mares' words not mine --and that she should try to make it work, no matter how things started.  Ayesa is stubborn.  In the long run I thank God for that!

After more than one long distance therapy session Mares suggested that I consider going back to Philippines with her and Dan in December 2003, when they go to visit her family.  She was positive that she had plenty of friends and cousins that would find me as lovable as her and Dan did  I pacified her by promising to think about it and promptly went back to feeling sorry for myself.

Back to December.  I had been thinking alot about my friends' advice, but the thought of waiting two years to get my life back on track--when that wasn't even a sure bet--was just too hard to swallow.  She did get through to me that I chose the right path.  I just picked the wrong girl.

I called and talked to them again and asked alot of questions about how they met.  They met via chat on One and Only.  I went ther and just didn't like the format, but I knew that the dreaded Cherry Blossoms had the same concept, but a better format.  I figured what have I got to lose???

After more than a month of not receiving email from anyone I wrote to--no matter how strongly they promised to reply to everyone in a timely fashion on their profile--I was about to give up.  I started going to the chat room there, but it was more of the same.  No sincerity and the second question, after "Age, Sex, Location" was always about my career.  Some weren't interested in a guy that was already married once, even if I was getting an Annulment rather that a divorce, but some were.  Again, I just wasn't finding anyone that I was interested in.

I decided to cancel my monthly account.  It ran 'til the end of January, but I stopped going there for more than a week.  On a Sunday morning--Saturday night in the Philippines--I was up early and quite bored.  Something told me to go to CB's chat room.  

I saw some people I knew, guys and girls and just spent some time joking around with some of the regulars and answering personal messages, when it became clear that I was American and looking.  Just like some of the women there didn't seem to be what I was looking for, some of the guys there are the ones--in my opinion--that give us "good guys" a bad name.  CB's chat just seemed like an American singles bar and personally, I HATE those!

Just before I was ready to log off I received a message from my Gerlie.  She was different right from the begining.  We talked for HOURS and it just left me with the best feeling!  She was genuine, funny and I found myself feeling very comfortable talking to her right away.  Over the next several months we have developed the kind of friendship that I though wasn't possible with a woman that I had romantic notions about.  

Through several postponements in my Hellish Annulment, the financial drain it caused, the emotional damage and my mother's untimely death, Gerlie has been there for me like no one else.  She has accepted the postponements in my trip that became necessary due to my other responsibilities and never wavered in her devotion to our friendship.  We have had our misunderstandings and disagreements--not many, but a few--and we always seem to find a way to focus on what's important to the two of us.  Only God knows how this will all end up.  I have my hopes, but am letting someone else drive this time  I have given up my hopes and fears to a higher power and strangely, feel more satisfied than ever!

This would not have happened had the smallest detail played out differently.  THAT would be a shame!

We have been through very similar situations.  I am probably one of the few here who really know what you are going through.  I know that everyone cares and is saddened by these unfortunate events that have driven you to the brink of divorce, but some can only imagine--luckily for them --what you are going through.

The best advice I can give is to handle your situation as your heart dictates.  You know what's going on, where others can only guess.  Make the best decision for you and your family, whatever it may be and make it happen.  Know that if your hunches are correct, it's NOT about you being unlovable or undeserving of love, it's simply something you were drawn into.  That was the hardest lesson for me to learn, but when you accept it it makes everything else easier to deal with.  Trust me.  I have been there.

You are in my prayers kido

Keep the Faith!

H

[MsDuong]

... in response to Hum is right... Grab a Beer (Howard Leng..., posted by Howard on Sep 15, 2002

Sorry, i just like that name Howie...Howie..Howie....haha.

I don't think you understand me. This was my LAST effort to find a mate. I knew that going in to it. I am not saying I'll NEVEr find love. I know if it happens it will be after the girls are gone. Even if love flew in my face and gave me a boody nose, I would fight it to the death. Remember I plan to be that person who goes to the theater by themselves and has the big L tattooed on her forhead that everyone can see but her. That's who I want to befor a long while. There are books I want to read. I want to learn how to read that shakspere guy. I want to travel and I NEED to be alone.

I am really happy for you. You turned yourself around and got back on the boat. But you probably didn't have anyone to think about but yourself. So if there are any reprocussions from it, it will only affect you. I've just got to concentrate one my girls and show them I am strong. I want to teach them that you have to really be able to make yourself happy and not rely on the affections of men to do that for you. It took me along time to realize that.

I know for a fact I will not seek anyone from overseas again. It's just not in me. I would not be able to get past the trust issue.

[Ray]

... in response to Hum is right... Grab a Beer (Howard Leng..., posted by Howard on Sep 15, 2002

Sunday morning here is NOT Saturday night in the Philippines!

Just teasing H...that was a nice story and some very good advice.

Thanks,

Ray

[Howard]

... in response to I disagree!, posted by Ray on Sep 15, 2002

asdf

[donb2222]

... in response to well.., posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002

Since you have not had your first AOS interview you can contact the INS and withdraw the affadavit of support and the application for adjustment of status. Write the INS and let them know that Thai defrauded you and abandoned you.
Then, contact your legal aid society and sue Thai for divorce AND for fraud.  Let Thai know you will be seeking alimony and compensation for expenses.  Do everything you can to let these people know that you do not appreciate being taken advantage of.

Good luck,

Don

P.S.  What kind of man, from any country, does nails?
I still think he's gay.

[kevin]

... in response to well.., posted by MsDuong on Sep 14, 2002


it's the epitomy of misfortune.  For one thing, that bastard is a creep to the nth. degree.  So is his family (whether immediate or extended).  A band of dirty gypsies who pretty much succeeded at destroying you, and what you struggled for years to accomplish (your formerly present well-being and dignity).  Your former so-called friends were feeling and sniffing out for a target for the gain of their clan.  They saw you and your vulnerability, so like band of velocoraptors targeting on an injured animal struggling to move, they devoured you because you were easy prey.

Well, don't say you can't afford a divorce.  In your circumstances, I beleive that you are entitled to public legal assistance.  You deserve it a hell of alot more then the women that use this to screw their husbands over because they want to trade-up husbands.  I've heard so many tales of women dumping men for reasons the polar opposite of yours, getting public assistance, and gaining from it while crucifying their (ex)husbands.  Miscarriage of justice in those cases.  In your case, you need public assistance.  And absolutely there should be no way that the law should construe you of being guilty in the participation of marriage fraud.  For that to happen, it would truly be a travesty of justice.

I think that by now you realize what the truth is.  It is ugly.  It's time to be strong and deal with the facts.  Seek public legal assistance.  I'm sure you're entitled to it and deserve it.  Sue everyone (Thai's extended[?] family) responsible for this deceptive conspiracy.  They knew what they were doing, and this was a well thought out, premeditated act.  They pretended to be your friends when they were really your enemies.  You said the family has a business.  Well, if justice is to be delivered, they should be forced to sell it or liquidate the assets, and the proceeds ought to be awarded to you so that you can get back on your feet.

Good luck.  Remember, as cruel as the world may get, there is one or more beacons of hope to be found that may someday lead to comfort.  God bless you.

- Kevin

[MsDuong]

... in response to I'm sorry . . ., posted by kevin on Sep 14, 2002

Well, Kev, I have never asked for public assistance before. But me and my mom are going first thing Thursday to see about it. Only because it's gonna take me awhile to get back on my feet and I feel the need to hurry things up. I don't know about suing anyone. But I know if the divorce goes through he has NO RIGHT to stay here in America. I will do all I can to get him out of here. The only reason he was allowed to come to America is because promised to share a life with ME not his family.. I will fight ,kick and scream, call everyone I can and not give up untill I know he is in Vietnam.Is this vengeance?? NO!!! It's justice, American LAW. I have to do what is right as an American citizen.

[donb2222]

... in response to Re: I'm sorry . . ., posted by MsDuong on Sep 16, 2002

dgtr

[Jay]

... in response to I'm sorry . . ., posted by kevin on Sep 14, 2002

"like band of velocoraptors targeting on an injured animal struggling to move"

ROTFLMAO!!! What the hell is a Velocoraptor?? A flying Dinosuar? Do you know how funny that is? LMAO!!

You kill me sometimes...that was classic! Yuk, yuk, yuk,,,wheew!

Jay

[kevin]

... in response to Re: I'm sorry . . ., posted by Jay on Sep 15, 2002


Well, this really isn't a laughing matter given the circumstances.  I think it was in the 2nd. Jurassic Park movie ("The Lost World") when I saw how veloceraptors, very small dinosaurs, but fierce and ferocious in numbers, would attack their prey.  These dinosaurs operated in flocks and were known to be very intelligent reptiles.

- Kevin

[MsDuong]

... in response to Jurassic Park, posted by kevin on Sep 15, 2002

Are u a movie buff, kev?? I love movies!!

[kevin]

... in response to Re: Jurassic Park, posted by MsDuong on Sep 16, 2002


I wouldn't call myself a movie buff, but I like horror movies especially when they seem so realistic.

- Kevin

[Jay]

... in response to Jurassic Park, posted by kevin on Sep 15, 2002

Yes, maybe I shouldn't have laughed in this thread, but I couldn't help it.

[MsDuong]

... in response to Re: Jurassic Park, posted by Jay on Sep 15, 2002

geeezzzz...lol