here's the truth

[Stephen]

... in response to Re: here's the truth, posted by Febtember on Aug 17, 2002

......

[kevin]

... in response to here's the truth, posted by MsDuong on Aug 16, 2002

Lori,

I'm very sorry to hear what is happening.  If what we suspect is true, it is the lowest of the low that not one person, but a group of people could do to another human being.  Speaking from my heart, it's time to get the strength to rise above the shock and denial stage.  Protect yourself and get all of the support you can get.

I sincerely hope that you did not have a bank account or credit card account with Thai's name on it, or any of his extended family.  If you did, cancel them now for your own protection.  In their eyes, you're only good for one thing ---- relief from economic responsibilities to earn their own subsistance.  That means if they know they can borrow money without having to pay it back, and not have to suffer consequences for it, they will do it and the hell with the other party (you) who has to live with the consequences of their actions.  They already took you so far.  You've got legal strings attached having sponsored Thai to this country.  You gave your heart and soul to Thai.  You've really been through alot in life and were trying to make the best of having had a hard past and procure a good, happier future for yourself and your children. You thought you found a man to love and be loved by and gave yourself to him.  Indeed you made a tremendous sacrifice with all the INS hurdles just so you could make a life together.  And this is what happens?

What's worse is that your daughter probably doesn't even quite understand what's going on in regards to her school friend.  Her friend might not either (especially if she is really a true friend to your daughter.  Well, the parents and co. obviously were not your friends.  Where are they and what are they doing now?  If they were your friends would they not be concerned that you and Thai were apart (if it had to be for involuntary reasons)?

I must be realistic and it may not be what you'd like to hear.  But from what you told me, it seems like Thai has no intention of coming back.  Just giving you the runaround and making your life miserable.  I would not be surprised if he is flirting and more with other women while he's away.  Perhaps he's gay.  I say this because of his involvement in manicures.  Perhaps that's why he never married long ago in the first place.  It's just speculation, but obviously I think you'll be living in hell trying to make this your idealistic relationship that it's not.  As I've said, you might need a means to spy and investigate to find out what's going on, confirm your suspicions and then just get on with your life.

What's encouraging in your situation is that you're female and the prime perpetrator is male.  You'll have alot more social support on your behalf than if genders were reversed.  I'm sure Humabdos and Zebson can vouch for that.

Well, good luck.  I'll be praying for you.

- Kevin

[Mars]

... in response to Re: here's the truth, posted by kevin on Aug 17, 2002

Laugh or scoff it you want guys...I think Kevin is closer to the truth than you think.

[Humabdos]

... in response to Re: Re: here's the truth, posted by Mars on Aug 17, 2002

n/t

[Ray]

... in response to Re: here's the truth, posted by kevin on Aug 17, 2002

n/t

[Jimbo]

... in response to Amazing, just amazing!   n/t, posted by Ray on Aug 17, 2002

nt

[Stephen]

... in response to Amazing, just amazing!   n/t, posted by Ray on Aug 17, 2002

asdf

[Howard]

... in response to here's the truth, posted by MsDuong on Aug 16, 2002

... It's the phone calls once a week.  The Evil and dreaded Ex could go a month without callnig me, when she was away. In my situation now, I have a hard time believing, no matter what the agreement was that we made between us for practical reasons, that Gerlie would go a day without talking to me, especially in the first months of marriage.

Maybe I am just hyper-sensitive, but that really troubles me.

H

[Mars]

... in response to You know what really bothers me?, posted by Howard on Aug 17, 2002

The "Dreaded and Evil Ex".....Haha.....That is the perfect description for all our ex's! Dreaded and Evil...hahahaha......

Notorious and Infamous would work too.

[The Walker]

... in response to You know what really bothers me?, posted by Howard on Aug 17, 2002


Yeah. The lack of wanting to hear your spouse's voice is troubling but I am not an expert on Vietmnamese men's emotions. Perhaps they feel it unmanly to admit they need their wive's emotional support. Even my being sent to Afghanistan didn't stop Vicky. She sent a letter a day, several emails a day which I had to read all at once whenever I had email access (not often) which was a real joy, and on the VERY infrequent occasions I could call she melted the phone lines talking at Mach 2. That does a GI good to realize he's missed.

When she had to stay with her family after her Aunt's death, and I had to come home to make sure we earned enough money to keep our home, our phone bills were really amazing. We talked on the phone at least once a day, she emailed me several times a day, and we chatted on AOL so much I had sore fingers. I got even, though. On her birthday I sent her a present and then called her and when I heard she had people in the background, in the same room, I gave her a good old 1-900 phone call, letting her know in great and prurient detail ALL the ways I missed her. Straight out of the Karma Sutra. I could hear her blushing on the other end, ha-ha.

I can't speak for Vietnamese men, but there is not doubt in you mind whatsoever when a Filipina really loves you.

Don

[Mars]

... in response to here's the truth, posted by MsDuong on Aug 16, 2002

C'mon....how long does it take to learn "nails"? If you haven't seen him since May, you have been used in my opinion. However...time will tell (Sept.4th.) In the meantime, if I were you, I would go to the INS and prepare the groudwork...

Hope for the best...Prepare for the worst.

What "school" is he attending? Do you know? He most likely already knew how to do nails and is working. I am surprised that everytime this happens to someone here, it is attributed to cultural differences. Some things can, I know, but what you described here smacks of BS.

[Dave H]

... in response to here's the truth, posted by MsDuong on Aug 16, 2002

Hi Lori,

I'm very sorry to hear this news! Hang in there, but get to the bottom of it. I would pay his family a little visit. Maybe even send a "spy" (from Cali) to visit Thai.

Good Luck!

Dave H.

[stefang]

... in response to Investigate!, posted by Dave H on Aug 16, 2002

Hire an undercover lady detective to see if she can get him to go out on a date. Many women have done this to see if their husbands were loyal to them. I read some info on Vietnamese people a while back.

I was interested in maybe writing some Vietnamese women. I read a story of some wives in Vietnam who started to raise pigs to help their husbands and family. One woman spoke of how her husband had to work in a factory in the north for a month at a time and she would only see him for one weekend in that period of time. Maybe it is a culture thing that he is used to being away from family and maybe his own father did the same when he was younger. Lori you're a women and have those six sense instincts that we men don't have. How does he sound to you on the phone? Is he really happy to speak with you? It is kind of strange about the family ignoring you.

[Matthew]

... in response to here's the truth, posted by MsDuong on Aug 16, 2002

I agree with those that say wait awhile before reaching any final conclusions.However,if in the months leading to your AOS interview it becomes obvious the family used you to get their brother(another family wage earner)in this country,then,say "fine".You folks are gonna be that cold then here is the deal.Expenses plus compensation for the AOS interview.No deal-no AOS.Vietnamese understand business.They will respect you more if you play their game.
You entered into this with honest intentions so you are not committing fraud.They might have and to get him deported and all that is too much hassle.Get the bucks and move on if fraud is the case.Turn a negative into a positive for you and your kids.

tito Matt

[The Walker]

... in response to here's the truth, posted by MsDuong on Aug 16, 2002


I think Tim may be right. Don't assume the worst, yet, but keep your feelers out.

The Vietnamese have not had as much recent contact with Americans as Filipinos and western Chinese/Taiwanese have had and their culture is a little different to begin with. This could merely be what it is supposed to be, or it could be his family trying to keep him away from you so they can turn him, or it may be a plot in progress. No way to know right now. But I do believe perhaps you should get thee hence to California in the very near future if at all possible and look into his eyes and see what they say.

Just don't start the divorce papers yet. Tim has had more and better experience with mainland Asians (who are quite distinct from Filipinos) than almost anybody here, I think. Vietnamese are more like Chinese than they are like Filipinos. If he says caution but not panic I would tend to believe him. Is there anyone here with actual long-term experience with Vietnamese?

Don