Are K3's revocable?

[KenC]

... in response to Stick her on the plane and move on..., posted by wsbill on May 21, 2005

You are in no position to give advice here.  If I remember correctly, you're the guy that ditched a good RW because she couldn't account for 2 bucks of the $20 you sent her.  Go play with your maters and leave the heavy thinking to those that are qualified.
KenC

[Frank O]

... in response to Are K3's revocable?, posted by Frank O on May 20, 2005

She's the one. LP it's a combination of both. It's almost as if she did this trip out of obligation or something. Her mindset has changed a little but still SHE wants to go back. As for her mom...unfortunately she's AGAINST me. That is NOT good. I'm trying MY BEST. I'm NO WHERE NEAR quitting on this however it takes 2 to tango & she is not getting up. As for a pet, my wife is a kenologist (sp?!) she works with dogs. I'm looking into purchasing a $2K show dog, champtionship stock. EVEN THAT which at one point was her passion is not enough to keep her here. Perhaps if I just buy the dog & have it shipped it might change her mind.
I don't know but I'm trying EVERYTHING I know I'm just meeting some really unresponsive resistance to my attempts. Thanks for ALL the advice guys. I think this weekend is big for us. Please pray for us guys ESPECIALLY for her.

[LP]

... in response to Guys I'm NOT the one bailing!!, posted by Frank O on May 21, 2005

...I know you're already doing all you can, it's why you came here in frustration. I didn't offer much advice like Ken's because, although excellent, it's common sense. I'd certainly heed what he has to say but I fear it may be ineffective in this case because the root of the problem seems to lie elsewhere.

Not that she isn't suffering from a form of withdrawal. It's no different than what happens with a broken heart and the treatment is the same: stay occupied and let time do it's part. I repeat: This is a normal reaction and she must accept she's not the first to go through it. If she has a desire to stay based on commitment alone she'll eventually come around. If she doesn't she's using it as an excuse. Her mom only sees her little girl in distress from afar and her response is completely understandable. If that culture had the same bent towards independence as ours her mother would be telling her daughter to grow up and deal with the choice she made but unfortunately that's not the case. And if her daughter isn't emotionally developed enough to seperate her new life from her childhood then all is probably lost.

I think you understand the situation well enough. Your "it takes two to tango" comment and the desire to divorce her if she leaves is absolutely correct in my opinion. You did your part in the past and you're doing it now, the rest is up to her. I hate to say it but our resident hillbilly's view of the situation (other than his moronic comments about sex and shipping her back in haste) has a ring of truth to it. If she truly loved you she would still be having these problems but responding differently. Stick with it until you've done all you can *within reason* but as you said, it takes two and even if you get past this there'll be future issues that'll arise from the lack of commitment that accompanies a fragile emotional bond. There is no guarantee that bond will grow and it should've been present before she came over. Frankly, from where I sit, even if she stays it's gonna be a real crap shoot.

$2K for a show dog? Yikes. Careful, you've done enough as it is. Now is not the time to be crossing over into the dark side. If she doesn't love you enough that she needs an expensive dog to serve as a surrogate in order to overcome simple homesickness, well, there isn't much more I can say. Try a mutt from the pound instead. Do what you can within reason and remain supportive but never give up your dignity and always protect your own interests first.

In the end no one can tell you what to do. You're a big boy and know the score. Plus you're the only one actually in the thick of it. In fact you/we may well be overreacting at this point. Settle down and be patient. Listen to the little man we each have living inside of us because The Little Man knows all...especially when the chips are down. Remain in control at all times and maintain the perspective that if it blows up you did your part and it's not the end of the world. It still could work out, stranger things have happened. On the other hand it may soon be time to pay the MOB piper. If that time comes don't fight it. It will be painful yes, but with time your own withdrawal will subside and you'll continue on a wiser man. And fwiw even though I suspected this deal might falter I'm genuinely sorry to see you suffering.

[Frank O]

... in response to Guys I'm NOT the one bailing!!, posted by Frank O on May 21, 2005

the reason for that is basically for me I'm going balls out right now. But IF she boards a plane to go back...then in MY heart it IS over. IF it comes to that I'm filing for divorce. I've waited 2 years. I can't go & wait more months for her to see if POSSIBLY she might change her mind.

[BarryM]

... in response to bout the divorce..., posted by Frank O on May 21, 2005

you would be wise to send her home... even encourage her to go. If she is not 100% with you, then it is not worth the heartache of trying to convince her to stay. You may want to try to get an annulment rather than a divorce since it seems the marriage is a mistake anyway. It is time to do the honorable and dignified thing by letting her go no matter how much it hurts.
My opinion.

-blm

[Frank O]

... in response to I hate to be cold hearted but..., posted by BarryM on May 22, 2005

NT

[wsbill]

... in response to I hate to be cold hearted but..., posted by BarryM on May 22, 2005

You can't force things or wish things to go your way.

She sounds like she just not mature enough to make decision for herself.  So, what I'd do is tell her she can board the airplane anytime she'd like.  But, before she does atleast show her a good time in America.

Be the real "Amassador of Good Will" they've always heard about.

Frankly, I'll bet this chick would actually like to stick around once she saw how great the place is...cause you know in the back of her mind for the rest of her life.  When she does return to Ukraine, she'll be saying 'dang, I was there and I wanted to come home to this dump'.

Look at all those Russian spies who had the time of their lifes in Washington DC during the cold war... They knew, their country was the pits.  Don't you know that's why so many were double agents...ha.

They were lookin for a easy way out or a better way of life!

I think, once you show the girl around...she'll wise up.

If not, her loss.

Atleast, there's a dozen more lined up to take her spot.  So take your time, be a great guy you are...and have fun.

This was a learning experience for you.

You are getting laid, right?  Just making sure you were paying attention...  Just don't force it on her.

Betch a dozen donuts, you tell her to go pack her stuff up and  
your taking her to the airport, she'll try and stall for more time.

Best of all, go to the city and ride public transportation!
She probably knows all too well how it is in Ukraine, nuts to butts packed in...  Heck, she rides one of our buses and she'll think she's riding in a limo.

[Travis]

... in response to I hate to be cold hearted but..., posted by BarryM on May 22, 2005

Texas happens to be a difficult state to get an annulment in. The only real ways I know of is if you can prove fraud or non-consumation. Just what my attorney told me as this was my first choice. I ended up filing a no fault divorce.

[BarryM]

... in response to Annulment vs. Divorce, posted by Travis on May 22, 2005

Since the marriage was in Ukraine, it may be possible to obtain an annulment there. I'm sure a legal annulment from Ukraine would be recognized by the US.

-blm

[tim360z]

... in response to Are K3's revocable?, posted by Frank O on May 20, 2005

Frank,  Don't even think about divorce and K3's and the negative stuff.  You got to get moving on the positive stuff.  4 days in a strange land of course she's homesick.  Normal.  Normal.  You got to get her going on an orientation program and keep her busy,  busy,  busy. You got a lot of work to do now...24/7.  No one ever told you this was easy.  You received some good advice--get moving on it.  Don't even think of K3's imho.

[RickM]

... in response to Are K3's revocable?, posted by Frank O on May 20, 2005

on the PC for MOBS and some of the woman's chat and message sites.

Maybe she could get some additional support there from the many already here and read or hear what she needs to hear or see from someone who has experienced already exactly what she is feeling.

Maybe a pet,a new family member,that you 2 could choose together and begin together for now...

We try to have empathy toward them but it's hard to understand something you've never done before yourself.
If you truely love her,become her best friend and stand beside her.

Most good things in life require TIME,a word we all hate to deal with sometimes...

KenC said it best...GET HER INVOLVED...She needs to feel a part of something positive and happy...

[david hagar]

... in response to Are K3's revocable?, posted by Frank O on May 20, 2005

Come on, three or four days is not enough to start considering divorce. you married her for better or worse, not divorce. be there for her. she is depending on you and your family for support now.  give it to her.

beattledog

[Globetrotter]

... in response to Are K3's revocable?, posted by Frank O on May 20, 2005

Come on Frank, you can do this.  It' certainly a challenge, but I bet you can succeed.

[KenC]

... in response to Are K3's revocable?, posted by Frank O on May 20, 2005

[This message has been edited by KenC]

Frank,
I can't answer your question about K-3's but want to try and help.  You married a very young woman from what I rememeber.  This may be her first trip away from home.  Try to reasure her that she will have pleanty of trips home to visit as well as having her Momma come here to visit you and your wife.  Buy a good phone card and incourage wifey to call her Momma daily.  The round trip ticket is a good thing so as to make her not feel trapped.  Most important of all, KEEP HER BUSY!  The more time she has to sit and think about home and family, the more she will miss them.  Get her going on ESL classes, drivers ED and knowing the area.  Try to make her mobile and independent as soon as possible.

Concentrate on saving this thing and don't be so quick to bail.  Easy come, easy go, eh?  This is the hard part, now buck up!
KenC

[LP]

... in response to Are K3's revocable?, posted by Frank O on May 20, 2005

[This message has been edited by LP]


...Well, I'm sorry to hear this Frank. Not surprised, although I figured the problems would come later and in different form. I'll let others answer the visa questions although I think you're mistaken on a few things regarding those issues.

I know you want support right now and I'd like to give you some. However, I can't make it all wine and roses because it's my nature to be, well, frank.

If I was in your shoes (and I never would be in this case) I would appeal to your wife's common sense. You need to explain to her that she is not the first to go through this process, that tens of thousands have come before her and came out winners. She should understand she's only been here a few weeks, that this is a completely natural reaction, and that it *will* get better with time. As I said, it's only common sense.

Now for the bad part. You should be asking yourself why you should have to explain any of this to her in the first place. The way I see it there are three answers. 1) She is a kid. 2) There is an insufficient emotional bond between you. 3) A combination of both. Even if you get past this you'll have to deal with those issues as they manifest themselves in other ways in the future.

What does her mommy say? Is she with ye or agin ye? If she's with ye than use it. If she's agin ye you're screwed, because her little girl is still that. What about your family, can they talk to her?

If not it's time to think about the future Frank. Your future, not hers. You come first. Something you should have realized way back when you got into this. Don't get me wrong, I'm sorry to hear about this, I really am. But *if* you can't make her understand what I've written above, which is something any mature adult should already know, and something anyone involved in MOB should have thought through from day one, and if there isn't a strong enough bond between her and you, it's more than likely time to send her home before the hole gets too deep.

Otherwise, the only thing she needs now is time. It's her (and your) best friend at this stage of the game. Try and make her see this. Try and make her understand that if she goes back she'll be adrift in the same ocean as before, on the same ship she wanted to jump so badly. Remind her an entire new life streches out in front of her to the horizon, one filled with oppurtunities and experiences unimaginable at this point. Remind her that as she travels that road you'll be right there by her side in support of every single problem that comes along, that you will love her with all your heart, and never, *ever*, let her down. Impress upon her it would be utterly foolish to throw such a sweet deal away over something you'll both probably laugh about in a year. She has to grow up someday Frank, it might as well be with the man she's already chosen.

Tell her there is no excuse for becoming a slave to her emotions, even if she is a Ukrainian woman. If all else fails appeal to her logic, contrary to popular belief women have quite a bit and when something like this is at stake it's usually the better path to follow. If none of that works then bend the rules: Do whatever it takes to gain time. Cancel the ticket, take her on a trip, do anything to make the clock go by. Hell, tell her the board's biggest a-hole is rubbing her face in it and she should show him how full of shti he is. Do whatever it takes...but if in the end she's really adamant about leaving let her go, for your own sake.

I wish you both well but I'll be you again for a moment and say that everything you've ever written about her lead me to believe she was not mature enough, not strong enough, nor in love enough to have made this move to begin with. I was hoping I was wrong and I still am but if she continues this behavior past a certain point it'll be time to start thinking about yourself. If she can't see this was supposed to be a two way deal, if all she can do is think about her own problems and ignore how they affect her partner and the commitment she made when she said "I do", than it may indeed be time to bail.

No one said this MOB stuff was going to be easy remember?