A little humor about the often polarized and extreme attitudes men display with regard to Russian women. This was furnished by another man who paraphrased a piece from the ASAWA website, which is a
resource for men who are in relationships with Filipina women. He found this piece so funny, he rewrote it for Russian women. If you like, you can see the original Filipina version at:
http://www.asawa.org
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Welcome to HEAVEN!
Russians are the greatest wives on earth! Any man who doesn't marry a
Russian is making a big mistake! They are all beautiful, loving girls who
want nothing more in life than to please their husbands. All of them are
virgins until married – sex before marriage is absolutely unheard
of! Still, once you're married, all Russian women instantly become sexual
dynamos who have insatiable appetites for sex in any form. But only with
you, of course. Russian women never cheat, and the idea of divorce is
utterly alien to them. Most do not even know what divorce is, or adultery
for that matter. True, many have been married and divorced, but that's all
the fault of those no-good Russian men, who are the most vile form of human
life on the planet (except maybe for American women). Even Mother Teresa
wouldn't have anything good to say about Russian men. So, who can blame
these innocent ladies for suffering the shame of an unwanted divorce? No,
given a chance, Russian women just want to find a decent man to be a
completely loyal sexual servant with only one goal in life: to please you!
Why? Because they think you're a handsome guy, that's why. They think all
Americans look like movie stars! Because she knows that American women just
don't know a good thing when they see it. Russian wives don't care if
you're unemployed, or if you're a crackhead, or if you're lazy or abusive.
You're still better than Russian men! Besides, just read her letters ---
you're her one and only and there was never, ever, anyone else for
her. She loves you because you are who you are and that's why she wants
to marry you. The fact that you live in one of the wealthiest nations on
earth and that she was living in relative squalor played no role whatsoever
in her decision to marry you. She loves poverty, and unlike every other
woman you've ever met, Russians have no desire to marry men who can provide
a prosperous life for their children and themselves. In fact, if you were
a destitute alcoholic lying in the gutter in Moscow (along with all the
other Russian men), and this exact same woman you are now writing to as
an American just happened to trip over you, she would still want to marry
you immediately based on your charm and good looks alone.
By the way, you will never have to lift a finger again once you're married
to a Russian woman. She cares only about your happiness, not her own. If
you're too hung over to mow the lawn, tell your wife to do it! She'll
think nothing of it. She's used to working like a plowhorse! You couldn't
begin to approach the laziness she's already used to in Russian men! In
fact, the only thing Russian women like better than fulfilling your every
perverted sexual fantasy is doing household chores. You know all those
times she's on the phone talking to her friend in her native language and
giggling? Well, you can bet if she's not talking about your sexual
prowess, she's probably talking about the new Craftsman pushmowers that
are on sale at Sears.
Another unique thing about Russian women is that by some genetic quirk,
they never age. They will remain exactly the same as when you married them
for the rest of their lives. Her skin will never wrinkle, her hair will
never turn gray. And Russian women never gain weight. Rest assured, all
those wrinkled babushki you might have seen back in Russia were actually
born that way, poor creatures.
Most Russian women speak perfect English, but that doesn't really matter,
since they speak only when spoken to, and she won't have much time to chat
you up while she's mowing the lawn, right? In the unlikely event that you
find it difficult to avoid speaking with your wife (perhaps you might get
stuck in an elevator with her), don't worry, she'll not initiate a
discussion. While all Russian women are brilliant and highly educated,
they prefer not to use their intelligence in any capacity outside of
reading the Kama Sutra or performing lawnmower repair. Talking to you for
any purpose other than complimenting your sexual prowess would clearly be
out of line. For that reason rest assured that you'll never have an
argument with your wife, since even if she were inclined to have her own
opinions, they would match yours so perfectly that there would be no basis
for disagreement, and even if there were, she would never in a million
years dream of contradicting you.
There's really no need for you to get to know any Russian woman before you
marry her, since all Russian women are equally wonderful. You simply can't
go wrong. It is unfortunate that the INS has that silly requirement to
actually meet, since it really wouldn't be otherwise necessary. Given that
you are being forced to go out of your way, keep it as simple as possible.
Step off the plane, find some random girl who catches your roving eye
somewhere outside the airport, and you're set! Yes, it's really just that
simple! Why waste hours, even days of valuable time getting to know your
special girl when you can make a trip directly to the U.S. Embassy and get
that paperwork started? Don't worry, the taxi drivers are all honest and
they'll be more than happy to watch your luggage for you while you sign the
simple, uncomplicated forms necessary for the US Government's crackerjack
staff to begin the streamlined, efficient process for you to get married
and bring your Russian woman back to the U.S. The embassy staff members
are all very friendly and eager to help you and will overlook any minor
mistakes you might make while doing your paperwork. The entire immigration
procedure should take no more than 15 minutes, and of course the Russian
taxi-driver, thrilled with the knowledge that another dyevuchka is marrying
a wonderful American guy like yourself, will stop his meter while you are
inside.
So what are you waiting for?! Get on that plane and go get her!
