Age and adaptability

[id]

Hi, I'm 35 and looking for a girl within the age group of 24-27. The lower boundary is there to keep the too-young away, now why is the higher one 27? Why not 28 or even 35?
Somehow I have come to believe that the ability to adapt to new environments, to accept new cultures and ideas and last but not least, to learn foreign languages, decreases sharply when one is about 30 years of age. I also tend to think that 1-2 years can make a substantial difference.
On the one hand, I want my future partner to be able to adjust and adapt reasonably fast so that she is able to go about her normal everyday activities such as work, banking, etc without me having to supervise her every step. On the other hand, I want her to live a reasonably happy and fulfilled life, which can only be done if she learns a lot and changes a lot.
  I understand that people have different abilities from the start, and someone may already know 5 languages and won't have a problem learning another one even when they are 70, but I'm talking your average non-english-speaking pretty russian girl who has a degree in accounting and isn't a rocket scientist.
  What I've just said above is not my firm belief but rather some thoughts that I have, and right or wrong as they are, they happen to influence the way I look for a wife a lot. So, does anyone have anything to say on the subject, agree or object, some of the guys have been married for a while here, to different age women, I'd be happy to hear their opinion.
Thanks
id

[Charles]

... in response to Age and adaptability, posted by id on Jan 18, 2003

I think your lower age number is about on target as a general guideline, based on trip reports of men who have posted and report that they related much better to women in the 24-25 range vs the 18-21 range.  I would echo the sentiments of the posts below that age has little to do with adaptability.  My wife came here when she was 39 and "adapted" quite nicely, including learning to speak English better.  I wouldn't let age drive your search at age 35.  If you were older, it might be a factor, but since you're not looking for someone straight out of high school I would give greater consideration to other factors.

[don1]

... in response to Age and adaptability, posted by id on Jan 18, 2003

Hi , id . There's a fairly wide range of opinions on how much of a factor age is . I don't think we'll ever reach a consensus on that subject . But here are some thoughts on 'adaptability' :

I don't think that age , as you're talking about in your post , and as it applies to your situation as you've described it , matters as much as you think it does . It's my opinion that there are other factors which play a larger role , and have a greater effect on your RW's 'adaptability' than age .

Her ease of or difficulties with 'adaptability' is largely dependent upon you ; and upon the level of effort , support , commitment , understanding , and patience you're willing to invest in your relationship . Put yourself in her shoes : She's leaving behind all her friends , her family , her job , her culture , her way of life , and a whole lot more . To begin a new life with you . And in a very strange place filled with a lot of strange people speaking in a strange language ; and a whole new set of rules to learn and live by . She will be , at least initially , totally dependent and reliant on you . She no longer has any close friends or family to talk to or to ask for help . Until she can develop some level of comfort with her new environment , it will be like trying to live on another planet for her . How well you understand this simple fact , how you handle it , and how much weight and consideration you give to it , will all have a much greater effect on her 'adaptability' than her age .

I am not trying to portray a RW as some poor , fragile creature made of glass here . The few that I've met impressed me as being intelligent , hard-working , strong , and resilient . I have no doubt that they could adapt fairly well to living where I do ; I'm only trying to say that they'll need some help from their husband .

What type of person she is , your compatibility with each other , and your levels of commitment are bigger factors in her 'adaptability' than her age . How much interaction does she have with her family ? What kind of social life does she have ? Are they roughly the same as yours ?

Spending as much time as you can with her , where she lives , may improve her 'adaptability' as well . If you can live with her for a while , and live as she does , it may help you to 'see the world through her eyes ' . When you're visiting her , you are the one who is trying to live in a foreign country , trying to master a new language , trying to learn new customs and a new culture . It will definitely give you a greater sense of appreciation for the difficulties she'll experience with 'adaptability' when you've experienced it yourself firsthand .

Where does she live ? Does she live in a big city like Moscow , Kiev , or St Petersburg ? Do you live in a big city also ? Or do you live in a very rural area ? If you're living in an isolated town of a few hundred people , and she's living in downtown Moscow , it is unrealistic to expect her to adapt to such a profound change in lifestyles . Is your lifestyle relatively similar to hers ? How much have you talked with her about this , and does she now have a good mental picture of what your lives together will be like ? Are her expectations about married life with you reasonable and realistic ?

Her ability to speak your language may not be absolutely essential when you first start a relationship ; but it's a good idea that she at least have some ability to speak some of your language when you decide to meet . You will have a great deal to talk about and a lot to discuss . Your ability to communicate with each other will play a big role in her 'adaptability' . Perhaps there are some guys here who have been successful with women who spoke little or no English before their arrival ; but there is too much risk and stress in a situation like that for my liking . There are guys who have used the services of a translator ; that's another option that's available to you .

Have you given any thought to possibly learning some Russian ? Just another option that's out there for you to consider . Your RW will really appreciate it ; and it will also give you a sense of appreciation for some of the difficulties that she's dealing with by trying to learn your language . You certainly don't have to do this ; she's going to have to learn your language anyways . But it's my opinion that it may help her adjustment and 'adaptability' somewhat ; especially if there's children involved . Makes things a little easier and a little more enjoyable for you when traveling in the FSU , too .

FWIW , I just turned 44 and my fiance is about to turn 33 . I spoke no Russian when we first started corresponding , and she spoke no English . Six months later , we were talking on the phone for an hour or two at a time ; sometimes in English , sometimes in Russian , usually a mix of both . So , at least as far as we're concerned , hitting the age of 30 doesn't seem to have impaired either of our abilities to learn foreign languages . But , then again , maybe we're not 'typical' either .    :-)

Just offering you another point of view here , some things to consider , and some food for thought .

Good Luck to You

Don

[tim360z]

... in response to Age and adaptability, posted by id on Jan 18, 2003

I have met many Russians and a few Ukrainians who have come here in the last few years.  Irregardless of age...almost all seem to have adapted to their new enviroment quite well. So,  putting age (younger) near the top of your list because of adaptability may not be the wisest move.  Now,  I have met some very older Russians who are grandparents (visiting for a couple months)and in their 60's and they do not seem to have adapted as well as younger people...like 40's.  But,  they are only here for a visit.

I think you should look more at the overall person,  their character and intelligence.  Beauty is fine too.  English is also a very good idea,  or at least the ability and desire to learn English will be a big aid in adapting and communicating.  I think your "age criteria" is a bit inaccurate.  

Of course, a 4 year old will adapt faster than a 25 year old.

[Stan B]

... in response to Age and adaptability, posted by id on Jan 18, 2003

I would look for someone who could already speak some english when you meet them. It would be really hard to discuss all the things that you will need to talk about to make such a long distance relationship work. I'm sure some guys have had some success with women that spoke no english before they got here, but I think that would be very stressful on your marriage.
As far as the age thing, I don't think your right. I think it depends on the lady.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to regardless of age, posted by Stan B on Jan 19, 2003

I agree that some level of English is critical. And she needs to be willing to work very hard to know as much English as she can when she gets here.

Because of my wife's hard work on her language skills, she is not limited to just seeking out Russian friends. In fact, she doesn't miss speaking Russian, she wants to speak English as much as she can.

I think this is a much healthier situation than if she could only speak Russian, and we had to try to find only Russian friends for her.

That is a recipe for trouble, I think.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Age and adaptability, posted by id on Jan 18, 2003

This is a topic which is usually the source of much disagreement.

Let me say a couple of things about age, and maybe if my wife finds the time to read this, she can chime in with her thoughts.

First... about your "upper boundary." I think there is nothing wrong with starting a search with a boundary in mind, but I certainly wouldn't make it set in stone.

If a wonderful woman who is 28 writes you, you're not going to turn her down are you? Or if you see a great woman on a website, and write to her and connect, and then find out that the ad you saw was four years old and now she is thirty... will you stop writing to her?

My wife just turned 31. She's been here for a month, and the first few weeks were trying for her. EVERYTHING was different, even buying groceries. And then when she got the groceries home, she found an oven which showed temperatures in Fahrenheit instead of Centigrade. You can't imagine the shock that she went through when she found that almost everything she knew was wrong.

But, she is adapting quite nicely now. I sincerely doubt that a 27 year old would have adapted faster...

I would say that desire is more important than age.

When my wife and I started our communication, she had to translate all of my letters through a program and a dictionary. As I write this now, she is visiting with my sister-in-law, and carrying on a conversation in English just fine. (No, she's not fluent, but she can communicate very well with her new language.)

The difference? Desire and hard work. She studied English very hard for six months. She had lessons three times a week and studied seven.

I still see her reading through her lesson books, trying to improve.

This has nothing to do with her age, and everything to do with the fact that she has a strong desire to have a good marriage, and understands that the language of her new country is English.

I don't know if I answered your questions or not.

I guess I would say, mainly, approach this with an open mind. Focus on the things that matter, and let the other things will sort of fall into place.

IMHO

[Horoshij]

... in response to You will never get a consensus on age :-..., posted by MarkInTx on Jan 19, 2003

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[micha1]

... in response to Age and adaptability, posted by id on Jan 18, 2003

what is this about rocket scientist.
Do you think that you have to live in North America to be a rocket scientist or that every one here have has the
potential to be one.
My suggestion to you, is to go over and try to fall in love,
so when the rent comes around "Bill Bailey", at least you shall have good souvenirs.

[John F]

... in response to Age and adaptability, posted by id on Jan 18, 2003

Don't underestimate Russian women.  My wife entered the USA three years ago at age 36, completely bewildered, and today she functions as well as any American woman who has lived here all her life.  We know other AM/RW couples, some late 20's, others ..... 40's.  They all made the grade.