I'm probably going to get flamed by the usual cast of characters for this... but I'm going to do it anyway...
Recently, I was talking to someone (off-line) about my fiance, and where I am in the process. This person WAS a frequent contributor here, but hasn't been here for a long while.
When I was telling him about Victoria, he seemed surprised. "She's nothing like what I thought you would end up with..." he told me -- shocking me.
But then he told me why he thought that, and I understood. In fact, it brought me up short and made me think... And I thought it might prove helpful to some of you still searching... So, here goes...
When I started this search two years ago, I had a definite "profile" of the kind of woman I was looking for. Not so much her looks (I wasn't specifically LOOKING for a brunette with green eyes who was over 5'8") but the rest of the woman's attributes I was very specific about.
There were reasons for all of it... And I thought they were very sound reasons... but when I look back now, I see that the reasons weren't as good as I thought.
First, I wanted someone about 25-28 years old. REASON: I had just broken up with a 28 year old here. My thinking: "Why go 7000 miles to get the same thing I can get here?"
REALITY: Stupid, stupid, stupid. The fact is that I broke up with the 28 year old for a reason: She was a wacko. Gorgeous... but a wacko. Age and beauty were not reasons I broke up with her -- they were the reasons I dated her to begin with. So, the fact is that I COULDN'T find the women here... Age was immaterial. It was the character I couldn't find...
Also, I was just coming out of a divorce, and it was at that magical age: 40. I have to admit now that part of what was driving me was a desire to "show my ex wife" that I could get someone younger and prettier than she was. It PAINS me to admit this... but I hope that by being brutally honest, maybe someone else will see themselves in me, and come to their senses sooner. That is a VERY STUPID reason to look for a wife. It may be natural, and human, but all it will lead to is a natural and human MISTAKE. Looking back now, I shouldn't have even been DATING then. But I would NEVER had admitted that at the time.
Yes, deep down, I wanted someone with all of the values that we all talk about... but that was not enough for me. And the reasons WHY were in no way noble or sensible. I see that clearly now. (This thinking ALMOST lead me to make a mistake with a very attractive 23 year old in St. Pb. She was a really good person, and I'm glad that I met her -- and equally glad that I didn't do something stupid...)
Secondly, I was looking for a woman who had no children. REASON: I had just ended a tenure of as a step-dad, and I wasn't anxious to jump back into it again. Mostly because I missed my step-sons... again, I see that now. But I didn't see it then. But, again, that's not a good reason to avoid someone with children.I missed my step-sons for a reason: I like being a Dad. Why would I strive to avoid that???
Also, I thought my daughter was neglected in my marriage, and I was looking to make that up to her. I thought that getting a woman with no children of her own would mean undivided time for my daughter.
I thought that if I DID find a woman with a child, the child would have to be younger than my daughter. I thought that my daughter would be less jealous that way.
REALITY: My daughter WANTS a sibling. And a woman who is already a mother stands a MUCH better chance of being a good mother for my daughter than some young girl who has never experienced mother-hood before.
And, when I finally got around to talking to my daughter about it, I was surprised to find that if she could have any situation in the world that she would WANT an OLDER brother. So much for my instincts, huh? (BTW, this was BEFORE Victoria wrote me. Her son is one year older than my daughter. Perfect, as it turns out...)
Finally, I felt I had to have a woman who spoke fluent English. REASON: I'm verbose. (Bet no one knew that, huh?) I LIKE communicating. I thought: "How could I possibly be in a marriage where I couldn't communicate?"
And don't they always say that one of the most important keys to marriage is communicating with your spouse? How could I do that unless someone had the same ability with the language that I did?
REALITY: The woman needs to speak SOME English. I truly believe that. But fluent? Not needed. In fact, the act of carefully considering my words is good practice for me. Yes, sometimes there can be a mistake in the language which leads to confusion... but Victoria and I have been able to communicate some very important and deep thoughts with nothing but patience, will, and a dictionary nearby.
And, of course, her English has improved dramatically in the past two months. My last trip to Kiev, we didn't need to consult a dictionary one time.
And... here is the main reality: If a PICTURE is worth a thousand words, a proper attitude is worth a million. Communication isn't needed as much when the other person is not waiting to pounce on every little thing you do, and use it as a weapon against you.
Looking back on my marriage, I see that I used my skill with the language most often in defense of an attack for something that I felt was misunderstood. You take that away... and things can be a lot quieter.
Let me give an example of that...
On our last night in Kiev together, Victoria and I had a romantic evening planned. It started at Da Vinci's restaurant, and was to end up back at the apartment. (Never mind what the plans were then... let's just say that there were plans...)
Well... I over-ate a lot at Da VInci's, and over drank a wee bit, and mix that with some jet lag... and when we got home, I was very sleepy.
Victoria -- planning ahead -- had eaten light, and was not in any way lagged. Bright eyed and excited, she was ready when we got home.
But I was not. So, I ask if we can rest for a moment. (The last thing you want to do in the middle of romance is yawn, after all...)
We sit down on the couch, and before long, I'm "on the nods" if you know what I mean.
She sees me struggling to stay awake, and I know what she must be thinking: "Oh oh... here goes our last night together!" But she asks me, completely unthreatening, "Do you need to sleep?"
I tell her no... let me "rest" for 20 minutes and I'll be fine.
She lets me... and for twenty minutes, I don't even pretend to watch TV with her... I doze.
After twenty minutes (or so) I wake, and I am fine.
She is (pleasantly) surprised. The evening continues as planned.
Now... let me stop here, and tell you what would have happened with any AW I have ever known: the evening would NOT have continued as planned. I would have found myself sleeping on the couch all night! She would neither believe me about the twenty minutes, nor forgive me for wanting them. I WOULD PAY for that!
But not Victoria. And BECAUSE of HER attitude, we had a memorable night together. Later I told Victoria that I was very happy that she let me rest, and did not get upset with me.
She said something that blew me away: "We have spent so much time apart, I have decided something... when we are together, I am never going to spend one minute angry with you..."
Wow...
I have no intention on testing that... but in my life I have NEVER had anyone say that to me.
The point of this long diatribe is this:
I could not be happier right now. She is, frankly, better than I deserve. I cannot imagine anyone else EVER being like she is.
And... if she had written me two years ago -- I WOULD NOT HAVE WRITTEN HER BACK!
Or, I would have written her an "I'm sorry but" letter.
My perfect woman... and I wouldn't have given her a chance. Why? Because she was out of my "profile."
Even though my profile was wrong...
That is a scary thought to me. I thank God that His timing was such that she wrote me after I came to my senses, and created a "profile" with only the important things in it.
Did I lower my standards to accept Victoria?
No.
I just found a woman that set a new standard for me.
FWIW..
