OK... this is some tired ramblings... my brain still isn't over jetlag (and everything else going on)
But as I look back over "My Search" here are some things I think I think...
[NOTE: What I am saying is simply what works for me. EVERYONE is different, and must decide on their own path!]
The one conclusion I have come to in all of this is that you cannot change who you are. You must do what you feel comfortable with.
I think it’s important to take an honest look at yourself.
I get very frustrated when I hear men say: “Just go over and meet someone on the street!” Or, “Walk into an agency, and just line up dates…” Or… whatever…
I contend that if you cannot do that here, then you cannot do it there.
Have you ever walked up to a beautiful American woman and asked her out? No? Well then how will you do it when the woman doesn’t even speak English?
Don’t kid yourself, being an American didn’t turn you into a movie star over night. You are still you. The woman may be flattered or even fascinated by an American, but *you* still look at the same you in the mirror every day. You will walk onto the streets of Kiev, or Moscow, or whatever, and you will feel very much the same as you do in America. And that includes all of the insecurities and hang-ups you have here.
She may not know you from an international man of mystery… but you know that you are just you. And if you can’t fool yourself, you’re not going to fool anyone else.
As much as I try to pretend I am Pierce Brosnan reincarnated when I hit the Passport Control center… I am not.
So, the one piece of advice that I would give anyone is… before you listen to a lot of gibberish from someone else on here (especially if that person hasn’t even found anyone for themselves yet!) is the same advice that Shakespeare gave: “Above all else, to thine own self be true…”
As for me...
I asked a stranger out once in my life. I did it just to see what would happen. (She said yes… we had two dates, and I found out she was a complete flake…) That’s not me.
Take a tour? Go to “Socials” and flirt with a hundred beautiful women? Yeah… right… as long as I affect a British accent and start drinking martinis shaken and not stirred… but then what happens after the social, and I am still just me? Nope… a social won’t work for me. I hate “Dating Parties.”
A marriage agency? Nope. I would rather sit through a IRS tax audit than sit through another “Marriage Agency” interview. I have done it now three times: Once in St. Petersburg, twice in the states. It’s horrible. I feel like I have walked into a 12 step program. “Hi, my name is Mark, and I am a dating loser…” “Hi Mark. We’re here to help you…”
So… what does that leave? Well, hmmm… not much, really.
The question that drove me is: What can I do that is "normal" for me...
Of course, one thing you have to adjust, I’ve found, is your concept of what “normal” is.
What was normal 20 years ago is not normal today. The way my parents met is just not practical today. Cities have grown and lives have become busier. Most of us have already adjusted our definitions. That is why Internet Dating sites –- once a strange thing only for nerds and losers -- are very accepted today.
What happens on an internet site? You see a few pictures, and read about how a person describes themselves. From there you write to them, if they are interested, they write back, and after a few emails, you ask them for a date. From there, the “normal” dating scenario kicks in. In many ways, internet dating is far superior to other methods. (How many men really met the love of their life in a singles bar?)
So, a few years ago, I began joining internet dating sites, and I had quite a bit of success. I found attractive, intelligent women who I dated. In fact, I met my (now) ex-wife that way. And, that wasn’t all bad. We had about as good a marriage that ends in a divorce, as you can have. (There’s a strange concept…)
So, when I take stock of who I am, and what is comfortable to me, and I apply it to finding a woman from a foreign country, I really only had two options: Answer her ad, or place one of my own.
I did both.
Writing letters to beautiful women I found on internet sites did not prove to be very successful for me. I think my over all “return rate” on letters I sent out was somewhere in the thirty percent range. (Meaning that I wrote a letter to her, and she actually wrote me back.) And, not one of the ladies I wrote to from a “catalog” made it past a few letters with me. Sometimes, I ended the correspondence, but usually, she just drifted away. I feel this is due to the enormous amount of mail she was probably getting – which is one of the biggest problems with the catalog route, to my mind.
So, that pretty much left the idea of a personal ad.
I had tried it with mixed success in the past. When Jack placed an ad for me in Ukraine before, the ad was not nearly specific enough, and I was inundated with letters and emails. I got about 300 letters. They came in for months after the ad had been run. If all I wanted was an ego boost brought about by a large number of responses, then this was a success. However, if what I wanted was a woman I was interested in getting to know better, and perhaps marry… it was a bitter disappointment.
Out of all the responses, there were perhaps three who interested me. And, after wading through 297 “no ways” I didn’t even have enough optimism left to answer those three. So, I answered none of them. This may sound strange, but I cannot express how depressing it was to go to the mailbox and get four letters or so, every day, and when you open them up, they were women who were nothing like you were interested in. And, I am not just speaking in terms of beauty. I had women in their fifties writing me, even though I specified an age cut-off at 35. I had women write me in Russian, even though I asked for the woman to speak English. Women who were, simply, nothing like I asked for in my ad.
It was a good experience for me in a way, because it taught me what the beautiful women in the catalogs go through. (Can you imagine the number of men writing to them? Do you think that these men are bothering to read her profile? Don’t be so critical of a woman who is so discouraged by the process that she doesn’t write you back… you can’t know what it is like for her….)
But it was also an experience I didn’t care to repeat.
When I went to St. Petersburg, Jack placed another ad for me. This ad was much more specific, and (I think) a little elitist. But it produced the desired effect: I had a much smaller response sampling, and they were almost all interesting. It was from this ad that I met Maria, and those who were on the board a year ago, and read my trip report, knows that Maria was a wonderful, sincere lady… but she just wasn’t right for me.
I did, however, learn a very important thing from my St. Petersburg experience. If you want sincere women to respond, your ad must include a very important phrase: “I am coming to (insert city) in (insert month).” I.e.: “I am coming to St. Petersburg in March…” I think this, more than anything, led to my success on my St. Petersburg campaign. I also answered some ads, in addition to the personal ad. My response rate was somewhere around 80% for these. Again, the fact that my letter said I had a plane ticket to St. Petersburg (which was true, btw) made a difference.
So, what about my ad that finally produced the result I wanted?
I now post it in its entirety. I don't think this is a "Magic Ad". But I think there are a couple of important items about it. Here it is:
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HELLO! I am coming to Ukraine in March
I am a successful American man in search of a beautiful, young woman. She dreams of a secure and happy life with a special man who will love her forever. Her young child is welcome. If this might be you, reply (in English) to:
XXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com
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This ad ran in about three different newspapers in Ukraine. I think it cost me about $50. (I included a picture).
This post has gone on long enough, but I wanted to talk about about why I chose the personal ad, and why I liked it so much.
This ad drew about twenty responses over all. Three were of interest, although only one really caught my eye... and, eventually, my heart...
