RW's with kids vs without??

[BubbaGump]

... in response to Re:  There are some people looking for k..., posted by wsbill on Mar 30, 2002

Those first 2 girls looked like 10 year old budding supermodels.

[wsbill]

... in response to RW's with kids vs without??, posted by petem on Mar 29, 2002

Will naturally have a better marriage.

Think of it this way in a pairing process that nature gives us.  Or that old saying.  Mothers love their sons, and fathers love their daughters.

If she has a son, her undivided attention will be on the boy and the boy sees you as competition for love and attention.  

However with a little girl, she'll be naturally attracted to you for love and will compete with her mother for your attention.  So it's a win-win sitation for you.

I myself, will now avoid a lady with a child... Because, I want to focus completely on a relationship with the lady and no distractions..

Bear in mind I've never been married, alot of you guys have kids from your prior marriages and have experience way more than I have.  I'm going to keep things Simple.

[BubbaGump]

... in response to RW's with kids vs without??, posted by petem on Mar 29, 2002

You just eliminated about 90% of the women but so what.  There's 50,000 or more to pick from.  You have to screen them out somehow.  

There are a lot of high quality women that would not be looking overseas if they did not have a child.  I have to agree with the no children rule because from my experience with American women, they only want maybe 2 or 3 kids.  For every kid they have, that is one less kid you can have of your own.  A lot of women have trouble handling children and maybe 2 is about all they can handle.  You also will have to spend a lot more to get 2 people over here.  I would think it costs about $5K each.  There are only a few women with children I would consider.    

I think getting a woman with some knowledge of english is also a good idea.  I have been out with a couple of women that spoke little or no english and it gets frustrating to not be able to say anything to a woman without a translator.  A lot of personal questions you don't want to ask through a translator.  You eventually just give up.  I think if they learned some english they are a little more serious.  Plus, a lot of scammers ask for money for english lessons and if they speak english that takes away one thing they can ask you to give them money for.

[Jeff S]

... in response to RW's with kids vs without??, posted by petem on Mar 29, 2002

I have to agree with Oscar on the kids thing. A scammer interested in being a visa prostitute or taking you for all you're worth is far less likely to get their own child involved in a possibly dangerous and certainly very unstable situation. She's almost have to be desperate, and few women in the MOB scene are. With a child, she may think of the child first, but she's likely to also have far more at risk, so, I believe will work harder at making a relationship work for the good of the child, particularly if you and the child hit it off well. My sweetie came with a very darling 8 year old girl who I fell in love with immediately and she with me. She's called me daddy since we were married and I couldn't love her more if she were my own.

-- Jeff S.

[KenC]

... in response to RW's with kids vs without??, posted by petem on Mar 29, 2002

Petem,
Your priorities do not seem unreasonable as long as you leave some flexibility for the perfect woman except ----.  I understand your reluctance not to be a step parent, but you should consider one thing.  A RW with a child will have a better time in adjusting to her new country.  She will have her days filled up with her Mothering responsiblities and also have a big piece of home with her (the child).  In contrast to what some of the posters say below, be very picky and take your time.
KenC

[petem]

... in response to Re: RW's with kids vs without??, posted by KenC on Mar 29, 2002

I am taking my time. My first trip to Russia was that it was another country of my 2 month E Europe tour last summer.
I am taking russian language course and listening to tapes to get a better education of the langauge than just classroom work.
I have tickets to spend a week in Moscow and a week in Kiev in October. So I have 6 months to weed them out and search out 2-3 to meet me in these cities. I am currently talking to one on the phone and she is very impressive. She is a teacher at a university in computers. She also lives alone, but not far from her parents, which is a great thing as she unlike many women I hear from is not living with them. So she is more independant than most.

Someone else made a comment on whether having both parents together made is easier to leave her country. I know I met a woman in St Pete who had lived with her only her mother since she was a baby. I don't think she could ever leave her mother, she has had many chances to leave and never has.
If her parents are still married the woman I think has an easier time leaving the home country, her parents still have each other.

[Oscar]

... in response to RW's with kids vs without??, posted by petem on Mar 29, 2002

Pete-

Well, this was my 3rd trip to the FSU and it is MY personal experience, that if you are looking for a woman between 28 and 33 and she has never been married or has a child, it is very possible (not absolute) that she has some problem with committment!  Many of these women marry fairly young and family is very important.  So if a woman is older and never married or has no child, I am a bit suspicious..  I am a psychotherapist and at those ages, I would much prefer to find a woman with a young child who ended up with a lousy husband and had the courage to get out, than one who has been unable to ever make a committment..
From my experience there, I think a woman in that age group with a child is typically much more stable and ready for a committment in her life.. (please note I say "typically"). Why do you think THEY are the ones who wrote to you about marriage??  I would be writing to the women who are interested in YOU. Sounds to me these are the women who are READY for a committment?

I went SPECIFICALLY looking for a woman WITH a child, why?
Because I feel that there is much less likelyhood of her being a scammer than if she is single.  She is usually going to be more mature than a woman of her same age who does NOT have a child.  She is already more likely going to be more "family oriented" and ready to really settle down since she already has a child.  I also think that many of her expectations of a husband are perhaps a little more realistic than those who have never been married..
I also agree with the other poster that often, the women who have been married and just got a bum deal, ARE often prettier! LOL!

Regarding your criteria..

I would forget about the living parents thing..  There are MANY reasons that a parent might have died..  You must know that the mortality rates there are much higher and the longevity rates much lower than in the US because life is much more difficult there..  Could be a death due to MANY factors..
The parents still being married thing is also not really a determining factor either.  It could be just as motivating for a woman who came from a home with mostly one parent, to want to work hard to do it better!  The girl I have found has a terrific 6 year old son and her parents are still married after almost 30 years of marriage, but if they had been divorced, it wouldn't have made any difference to me in my decision, and I'm a shrink! ;-)

I hate to see you rule out this segment of women because I think there are some very distinct advantages with them, that is why I went looking for one and FOUND one!

Best of luck,
Oscar

[petem]

... in response to Re: RW's with kids vs without??, posted by Oscar on Mar 29, 2002

Great post, and one from a psychotherapist carrys more wieght with me than the usual response.
One of the questions I always ask in the first few emails is tell me about the longest relationship with a man that they have had. I get a huge variance of responses. From a few months to living with someone for 2-3 years.
Some woman seem very conservative in their responses.
A woman who is 29 but has been in higher education for 7-8 years I think is not working on a fear of commitment but rather no good men to settle down with.
Of course people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, as I am 41 and have not been married either. So many would say I have a fear of commitment. Everyone reasons are different for waiting.
I'll have to admit that the sites where you have to pick thru the ones having a child vs being able to presort them out, many are prettier who have a kid.
The parents being alive is mainly about weeding out the alcoholsim, cancer, diabeties & general poor health that is usually inherited. If these women are around 30, the father is at least in his 50's which is the mean age for death is the FSU. These are not hard and fast rules, but are my GUIDELINES for a first step in the process.

[NW Jim]

... in response to Re: RW's with kids vs without??, posted by Oscar on Mar 29, 2002

Oscar,
You need to re-read the literature. Children of divorced parents have a greater rate of divorce themselves than children who come from intact households. Divorce impacts negatively on children in other ways too... they receive less education, have higher rates of suicide, higher rates of criminal activity, etc.

We continue to reap the rewards of the unthinking mindset that divorce has no consequences, with high rates of drug/alcohol abuse among the children of divorce.

For all of you who will respond, that divorce was good in their family because Mom was getting the cr*p beat out of her--save it; I'm talking about a general rule.

Oscar, best of luck to you and your lady.

[Oscar]

... in response to Re: Re: RW's with kids vs without?? Sorr..., posted by NW Jim on Mar 30, 2002

Jim,

I will tell you I have done therapy for 13 years with moms, dads and kids concerning divorce.  And I have a VERY strong opinion about this, that if mom and dad are NOT happy, the kids ALWAYS KNOW it!  The kids are MUCH better off if they can see both mom and dad happily married to someone else, rather than watching and LEARNING how it goes when mom and dad hate each other!  That is where kids learn how not to be happy in a relationship, watching mom and dad fake it all the while being miserable!  
Can't tell you how many people I have had in my office (from 10-50) where they said "I wish my parents would have divorced a long time ago, it was so awful living with them"!

Also, much of what you say doesn't hold as much water in the FSU countries either.  Men there drink NOT because they are divorced, but because there is no work, little hope for a future, and they cannot afford kids!

Later,
Oscar

[NW Jim]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: RW's with kids vs without?? ..., posted by Oscar on Mar 30, 2002

Oscar,
The point is the chances for a happy marriage are much better if you start with two whole people who aren't bringing a lot of negative emotional baggage to a marriage. When making choices, choose healthy and stable.  

As pointed out in a post below alcoholism runs in families; so do other forms of dysfunctionality. Dry 'em out and they turn into gambling addicts, etc.

I deal with the after effects of dysfunctional people & broken marriages as part of my job--I say avoid them at all costs. It may be harder to spot across language/cultural lines, that's why it's important to take your time.

The goal of marriage is not to save somebody else from their negative baggage. Some guys get into trouble by trying to be the knight on the white horse. Choose healthy.

[Oscar]

... in response to Re: Re:  Sorry Doc, you're still wrong, posted by NW Jim on Mar 30, 2002

Jim,  So what is "healthy"??

Who having a choice would not choose healthy and stable?  My point is that I think more of the women who have been married before and have a child ARE more stable and healthy!
They have had far fewer sexual partners that's for sure!  They have also learned probably more keenly, what sacrifice (love) is, as they have likely been alone in caring for their child.

Are you making the assumption that because a 30 year old woman in the FSU is single and has no child, that she has less "baggage" than a woman who could make a committment at 23 (when she should have) who ended up with a lousy husband and had the courage to get out?  I wonder how many bad and possibly dysfunctional relationships the single girl has had while the married girl has had just the one?  Who will have learned to play the "game" better??  

I don't remember saying that we should all run out and marry a woman who comes from an alcoholic family, so I don't know why you mention that, but if you only want to look at a woman whose parents have been together for 25 years, well, you just ruled out about two thirds of all the single women in the FSU as possible candidates and unfortunately, many of them will be wonderful wives in spite of the fact that their parents did not stay together..

[NW Jim]

... in response to Re: Re: Re:  Sorry Doc, you're still wro..., posted by Oscar on Mar 31, 2002

Oscar,
You're right by setting up expectations and screening out women based on certain traits you will exclude some women who would be wonderful wives.

However, given the limited time most guys have to spend in the FSU or elsewhere on the search, it's wise to focus your limited time and resources on the best candidates (those without baggage)and those meeting your expectations first.

Marrying young in the FSU is not necessarily a sign of healthy maturity and commitment. Marrying young there has more to do with cultural traditions and getting out of a crowded apartment to get your own place. People who marry young have higher divorce rates, that's part of the reason their divorce rates are very high.

The bottom line is that each man has to decided what he wants and what he will settle for.

[Oscar]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re:  Sorry Doc, you're still..., posted by NW Jim on Mar 31, 2002

Jim,
Your assumption that because a woman has been married there before, she automatically has more "Baggage" than a woman who has had multiple broken relationships, is very flawed..
I met many very healthy single Mothers and also met some pretty broken hot single ladies...
Having been married and having a child does in no way mean the woman may  have more negative "baggage"..

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re:  Sorry Doc, you're still..., posted by NW Jim on Mar 31, 2002

Appreciate you taking the time to refute someone obviously just trying to justify his own decisions.  Of course each person has to decide what is best for their own situation.  There is no right or wrong.