A question for men seeking an Asian Wife

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: A question for men seeking an Asian ..., posted by Ron Boutwell on Feb 10, 2002

OK... first, I will say that you knoocked my socks off by first stating you were a Southern Baptist, and then going on with a very open-minded post :-)

I live in Texas, but am not from here. I attended a Southern Baptist church for four years because I really liked the minister there and because... well... In Texas... trying to find something OTHER than a SB church is hard.

These are not the most tolerant folks I have met. I can imagine the expressions at the church social if my wife said: "Actually, I am a Buddhist."

But, what you said is interesting. As for your minister's question: "How is God going to finally judge us? Based on what we SAY or what we actually DO?" ... my answer would be that I always thought it was based on what we believed... which ultimately controls what we do.

As for narrowminded-ness, I appreciate your distinction of Buddhism. If it is actually a discipline, or a philosophy, I can understand how that could be folded into an over-all Christian belief. However, Jesus Himself was *rather* closedminded on the subject... "No man comes to the Father but by me."

I am very happy to hear you have a happy marriage to a Thai wife. I actually dated a girl who was half-thai and half-caucasion a couple of years ago. She was the most stunningly beautiful and sexy girl I've ever been with.

I had started my search for a foreign bride in Russia. I am beginning to consider other lands now, though. And I often thought back on the Thai beauty I had dated... But when I read that they were all Buddhists, I was concerned.

I agree with you that "Equally Yoked" does not assure a happy marriage. I have had the same experience as you. I met my first wife in a Bible Study in my church. Eight years later, she left me for another woman... so you never know...

I appreciate your candor, and openness.

BTW... can I ask how you and your wife met?

[Ron Boutwell]

... in response to Thank You  - That helps, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 10, 2002

Sure, I don't mind you asking at all.  I was there on vacation taking photographs out in the "upcountry" area of Thailand.  There isn't much tourism in those areas.  I was in a small city about 4 hours north of Bangkok called Nachonsawan.  I saw her with her sisters shopping.  She was shy and smiling from ear to ear everytime I looked her way.  I saw her again about 30 minutes later in another shop.  I was shocked that she spoke a little English (not much though).  At any rate, she and her sisters thought it was fun to hang around with the "farang" (westerner).  They don't see a lot of them there.  I found out later that she lived wayyyyyyy out in the country in a really small community called Maepern.  It was about 60km from Nachonsawan.  I went to visit her and her family.  She is the youngest of 4 sisters.   Atthe time, she was about 24 and she was widdowed with a 2 1/2 year old son.  She lived with her mom and dad and helped them run a sort of general store.  

In a nutshell, we corresponded for about 6 months and then I returned to marry her.  We have been married now for a little over 2 years and have a child on the way.

BTW, I was not always so open minded about things.  I think most people who are not should simply travel a lot.  That's what I did.  I worked overseas for many years and did a hitch in the military.  Watching the world on CNN isn't enough.  Seeing it in person and getting to know people 1 on 1 will do the trick.  Most of the narrowminded people you mentioned have probably never left the country and normally have no idea what they babble about.  :-)

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re: Thank You  - That helps, posted by Ron Boutwell on Feb 11, 2002

"Watching the world on CNN isn't enough. Seeing it in person and getting to know people 1 on 1 will do the trick. Most of the narrowminded people you mentioned have probably never left the country and normally have no idea what they babble about" is the only way to go." That's a gem!

-- Jeff S.

BTW, I also met my wife coincindentally - actually she was introduced by friends, then we spent nearly three years writing, calling and visiting each other back and forth before we were married in her country and she moved here. It was tough enough adjusting for both of us even after spending about 14 weeks together in that time. These guys who get engaged after two weeks of vacation in an exotic land for the first time are really tossing the dice.

[Ron Boutwell]

... in response to Amen Ron..., posted by Jeff S on Feb 11, 2002

Yep, it's a toss of the dice alright.  But then again, getting married to ANYONE is a crap shoot isn't it? :-)  I have to be honest.  I told everyone the story of how my wife and I met and were maried.  Truth is, I was married before to an American girl I met in college.  We met, dated for 2 years, was engaged for 6 months, then married when we felt we were absolutely ready and we had found the right people.  It didn't work out 5 years later.  And if I were to be honest with myself, it turned to crap within a year of the marriage.  We spent 4 years trying to patch it together unsuccessfully.  

On the other hand, I met my new wife in Thailand.  I spent a few weeks with her and her family.  We corresponded for 6 months, then we were married.  Did I love here before we married?  Did she love me?  The answer, to be brutally honest, is "no".  By American standards we were not as "in love" as we should have been to get married in 21st century America.  What was our relationship?  Again, in a nutshell, she was (is) a wonderful woman with a huge heart.  I was definitely infatuated with her.  I saw how she behaved and treated other people including her 2 1/2 year old son.  I knew that whether I was in love with her or not, she was absolutely the MOST LOVABLE woman I had ever met and that I would grow to love her.  What did she see in me?  I was (am) a man who would and was eager to provide well for her and always remain faithful and respectful to her.  That goes a long way in Thailand since women are still basically "property" in that country.  By the time we were married 6 months later we were growing to love each other.  The natural process was taking place.  Since then I have grown to love her in a way that I never knew was possible.  When I go to work now  I cannot wait to be in her presence again.  And once when I came home a few hours late and was not able to call I found her crying and worried that something had happened.  So I am pretty sure how she feels about me now.  

Was it wrong to choose each other based mostly on practical reasons rather than romantic ones?  By modern American standards?  Yes, it was wrong.  But let's see what modern American standards has provided us with.  5 years ago 2 thirds of all marriages in American (between 2 Americans) ended in divorce within 5 years.  Today, 75% end in divorce.  These are people who married for purely romantic reasons and just knew they were completely meant for each other.  As little as 100 years ago most Americans chose their spouses based on practical reasons, "Is he/she stable, mature, honorable?  Will he make a good provider?  Will she make a good mother?".  And divorce was so rare that it almost never happened.  Did those people love each other?  Well, my maternal grandparents married for purely practical reasons.  Over the next 40+ years they raised a ton of kids and grew to love each other so deeply that when my grandfather died my grandmother literally grieved herself to death a few months later.  

I hate to address a touchy subject with some people here but I have a friend who actually married a Filipino "go-go" or "bar girl" and brought her to America.  They have been married longer than my wife and I and they too have had children.  She has been the best possible wife to him he could ever ask for.  I have seen the way she looks at this truly homely man.  She adores him and he would never trade anything for her.  It is rare, I admit, to meet a good mate in a Filipino bar.  But it DOES happen sometimes contrary to popular opinion or advice.

In short, again, love and marriage always seems to be a crap shoot in almost EVERY case.  :-)

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Amen Ron..., posted by Ron Boutwell on Feb 12, 2002

n/t

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: Thank You  - That helps, posted by Ron Boutwell on Feb 11, 2002

Most of the narrow minded people I mentioned proabably never left Texas!

Sounds like you found your wife the good ol' serendipitous way. Good for you!

At least you'll never have to explain the "Mail Order Bride" thing to your family.

And stupid movies like "Birthday Girl" sure don't help...

[Ron Boutwell]

... in response to Narrow Minded, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 11, 2002

Well, I wish I could avoid explaining the whole "mail order bride" thing to the family as you said.  Truth is,  I still do.  She was not, by strictest definitions, a mail order bride.  But most people see an American man of 39 married to an asian girl of 26 and they assume that she was a mail order bride anyway.  I stopped arguing or explaining a long time ago.  First, it is nobody's business, including my family.  Second, tossing out labels onto people like "mail order bride" is a hateful practice born out of jealousy.  If you met your wife in a supermarket would she be a "Supermarket Bride"?  If you met her through a dating service in America would she also be a "mail order bride" although she is American?  Normally she would not.  But if someone were jealous of your luck in finding happiness, she might very well be called such things.  So I have simply stopped explaining.  Men rarely use such terms.  Some do.  But very few.  Women can be "catty" and jealous.  They are usually the kind that say such things.  I usually think that most men see how lucky you are and are generally quite happy for you.  The few that make nasty comments are probably really unhappy with their own marriages and only a few months from asking for a divorce anyway.  Seeing you happy will likely spped up the process when they see that there is hope for them too.

Consequently, I knew a guy who had been introduced to a very nice young lady through a service.  She was Filipino.  He corresponded with her a lot and really enjoyed it. He went to visit her and was completely blown away by her charms.  He came back to the states, met a perfectly horrid American woman and had to make a choice.   he chose the American woman because he would not have to do all of the immigration paperwork and waiting.  He was recently divorced and lost much of what he owned.  The marriage lasted almost 3 years and I doubt there was a happy moment shared between them.  Back then he could have married the Filipino girl and imported her within a year and a half.  On a fiancee' visa?  6 months tops.  So because he didn't want to wait a few months  and spend a couple of thousand dollars (tops) for a little happiness, he lost tens of  thousands of dollars to that American troll he was married to and waited 3 years for happiness.  So if anyone is asking themselves, is the wait and the investment worth it?  The answer is "yes".  It is.  :-)

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: Narrow Minded, posted by Ron Boutwell on Feb 12, 2002


I agree completely.

And, I think you're right.

I feel sorry for your friend. You get caught up in the excitement, and you start getting impatient. That's why boards such as this are invaluable. You need to realize that even if you meet someone right away, it will be awhile before she is with you all of the time.

I've been on my own (single dad) for a year now. And it helps. When I went to Russia last year (atfer a few months of separation) I was feeling a pressure to do something right away.

Now I am more relaxed. If it takes five year... or never happens... I am fine...

But it took awhile for me to get to this point...

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Narrow Minded, posted by Ron Boutwell on Feb 12, 2002

Hi Ron,

You have made some excellent points throughout this thread. I think that most Americans marry for the wrong reasons today. I guess my ex-wife was a "birthday party bride" and I certainly wasn't thinking about "pinning the tail" on that donkey. ;o))

Technically, my Filipina wife isn't a MOB, but I wouldn't care if she was. I'm sure most people believe that she is anyway. When asked, I now tell them "Yes, she is from Sweden." ;o)) I get some confused looks and usually the conversation ends. Perhaps my wife is a "MOB by proxy," since I can think of no other way to "classify" her. ;o)) We were introduced through her American brother-in-law, with whom I have a mutual friend. His pen pal letter was addressed to another Filipina, who gave it to my wife's sister, who wasn't in a pen pal club. They married and eventually came to the US, after living in the Philippines for a year. He thought that I would be a good match for his sister-in-law...now my wife. :oD By the way, he also successfully "fixed up" several Filipino couples, when he lived in the Philippines. I guess he is a natural born matchmaker.

My wife has only been working since Dec. 2001, but already she has had several offers by AW (at work, fortunately not co-workers) to help her "escape" from the "bad man" that is perceived to be "mistreating her and holding her captive." Of course they have never met me. Her professions of love and happiness are disbelieved by these ABW's (American Black Widows).

I have heard that Filipinas call women who marry divorced Americans "Second Choice." This is purely out of jealousy. I passed over American and Hispanic women to be with her. Had I been given a chance 18 years ago to marry her or my ex-wife...my wonderful Filipina wife would have been my "ONLY" choice.

Dave H.

[Eman]

... in response to Re: A question for men seeking an Asian ..., posted by Ron Boutwell on Feb 10, 2002

I would just add that the more emphasis you put on the external and institutional aspects of religion (as opposed to inner, heart-and-mind aspects) the more problem you are likely to have. But I think people who pursue this path understand from the outset that it will require a certain flexibility and adjustment. Some people are actually drawn to that, while others prefer to stay within the confines of the familiar. Personally I don't find the specific issues you raised to be at all daunting, compared to some of the other difficulties which might arise in the course of a marriage. But clearly it's not for everyone.

[Taliman]

... in response to A question for men seeking an Asian Wife, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

Easy, probably 80% of american's marrying asians are asians from the Philippines so the buddist
question never becomes an issue for "most".

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: A question for men seeking an Asian ..., posted by Taliman on Feb 9, 2002

I've seen a lot of Thai sites...

Doesn't amount to many of the men seeking though?

Interesting.

I was curious because it seemed to me that if one did marry a Bhuddist, that someone would to convert. And I was wondering if that meant that most women did, or if most men did, or if most were not really religious and didn't care...

Wonder how the other 20% handle it...

[Taliman]

... in response to Philippines, eh? Not Thai, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

On the other hand marrying a buddist could be a lot less life changing than marrying
a Catholic if your not Catholic already which most of the Filipinas are.
All the Born a sinner and guilt trips the Catholic church puts on it's members.
I guess just finding someone your compatible with is the most important no matter what religion or race.
But yep those thai gals are something..wow!
Opps I'm in trouble now