Safe to say my girl was a scammer

[thesearch]

... in response to Safe to say my girl was a scammer, posted by Bobby Orr on Feb 6, 2002

Bobby,

First let me say that I empathize with the great disappointment that you are going through. I know this does not feel good.

I also want to thank you for taking the time to share this story. Someone other than you will be benefited - meaning another fellow man that reads this and is able to see a scam sooner than otherwise when the behavior of his lady gets him to remember your story. It could happen to anyone.

I have been suspicious that the scammers are getting more sophisticated as the number of men have become more sophisticated in understanding scamming techniques.

In the final analysis, everyone can be scammed and the only way to eliminate it almost completely is to be totally untrusting every step of the way. The obvious problem is that the innocent woman you want to find becomes the woman subjected to untrusting behavior which can only damage the relationship. Where is the happy medium that affords one some level of protection against the scammer yet minimizes its effect on the innocent woman that you are courting? There is no good answer that I have seen.

I suspect that the men who have been burned will look at it differently with the number of bad experiences increasing defensive behavior.  To exaggerate would be the guy who has been  burned six times in a row - who finally  might develop the attitude of extreme caution with each step plain and simple figuring that he lost every woman in the previous six attempts what is losing another as a result of protecting himself. Of course, how many men have that type of persistence? And, many will be willing to spend that much  money for so much failure.

You are age 40 seeking a woman age 21? Sure it can work. However, you can pretty much count on going through quite a few introductions to find a woman who really wants to be with an older man regardless of what they tell you..

It can be done but all the while you will be subjected to a higher than normal number of scammers to sort through. And if that is what you have your heart set on, go for it and just accept that you are swimming in shark infested waters and accept the damage.

This age thing is a difficult one because there is no doubt it is easy to let the age gap spread as you look at these women because they will let you do it. However, even the sincere lady may start to change her mind about it all when she gets to your western country and she sees that many younger men are looking her way. She may think, did she settle too soon? Could she have gotten better? On the other hand, when an older man does captures the heart of a woman who is young and beautiful usually he appreciates it and the circumstance can find him working very hard at making that woman feel she is the luckiest woman in the world. A younger man is not as motivated as a general rule of thumb.

In the USA, the men who capture the younger men usually are the epitome of success and or fame. A sobering rule of thumb is compare the lady you are courting from the FSU to the typical lady that you attract where you live. The greater the difference physical beauty as well as age the greater the chances of future troubles. That is simple enough and said before numerous times.

Me, what am I going to do? I will probably swim in the shark infested waters until I succeed or get bitten too badly or too often. The problem is that I met one of our posters and his wife. She is gorgeous, young and totally in love with her husband who is a lot older than she.

I am not going to go as extreme as he has - although there are women 20 years younger showing me interest I have decided to try and keep my search to women ten to fifteen years younger.  

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to not the first nor the last, posted by thesearch on Feb 6, 2002

Luckily for me I still get young girls here - but the quality is not the same as I at least temporarily get in the FSU.  Not as many and the time gaps are increasing.  I basically have given up on American girls.  Why go for the nasty things here when I just know something great is there.  I just have to figure out or get lucky enough to find one who is not a scammer.  

It is just a natural reaction to reach for that brass ring.  Unrealistic views and expectations is a reason, perhaps the primary reason many of us are single.  

I have good memories, though also the sting of being scammed.  Better to remember the sting and move on, more wiser and stronger.

Thanks for the encouragement.

[KenC]

... in response to not the first nor the last, posted by thesearch on Feb 6, 2002

n/t

[thesearch]

... in response to thanks, I think  LOL n/t, posted by KenC on Feb 6, 2002

asdf

[SteveD]

... in response to Safe to say my girl was a scammer, posted by Bobby Orr on Feb 6, 2002

I should imagine that this is the most common trap that all us guys fall into when we travel over to the FSU.....start throwing cash around like its going out of fashion. I know because I've made the same mistake.

Its such a tempting mistake to make as well because a few hundred dollars is easily affordable to us, and yet it makes such a big impression over there...unfortunately the wrong impression. Yes , you may think that they look at us with all that cash to spend and are filled with admiration and wonder, but of course it is exactly the opposite.

When will we ever learn. If a girl likes you it is because of YOU and not because of how much money you have. Its the same everywhere, including the FSU. Much is made of how these girls are somehow different to the girls back home. Well in my experience they are 95% the same.

Is this girl a scammer who sits at home all day duping foreign men to come and visit her so that they will give her money or is she just a simple girl who saw an opportunity to make a little extra money and took it. If you give a beggar on the street $1 your being benevolent but if you give him $100 are you being scammed?

I'm not preaching here because I've made the same mistake. You fall for someone, maybe go and see them once or twice, and then decide to make arrangements to bring them over on a visa. The visa process takes 2 or 3 months and in the meantime you start sending them money. Well, after all they are going to be your fiancee and you want to make sure they are going to be alright. Right ? Wrong. If they have managed to survive the whole of there life up until they met you then a few more months should not be any problem.

If it is a problem then ask yourself the question, do they like me or my money?

STEVE

[tim360z]

... in response to Re: Safe to say my girl was a scammer, posted by SteveD on Feb 6, 2002

I think it greatly corrupts the relationship,  or even in the early stages changes it into a money game.  With any introduction of money,  even a small amount the dynamics change.  Is it you or is it the money???  A little money here is a good deal of money there...it is tempting,  for any girl, I am sure.  I think that by sending money we inadvertently may turn a nice girl into what we may term a scammer.  Some,  do not have a good sense of finances and beleive our wealth is like limitless.  I find the money thing to be a conundrum and something for any guy to be aware of.  One very nice girl in Ukraine who I have corresponded with over an 11 month period has never never asked for or even mentioned money.  Over the Christmas Holiday, a guy previously from this board and his wife were in her city and they were nice enough to meet with her and give her some small gifts from me.  There was also a Christmas Card with $25,  I was very tempted to give her more...but,  I held back on the $25,  as I felt it was just the "right" amount.  Here,  it would definitely be considered a small amount of money.  Like a cheapo.  But,  for her,  I know the small gift was a sign that I cared.  The dynamics of our close friendship have not really changed because of this small money gift.  I do think if I had sent her like $200---there would be a change,  probably a negative one.  I could be all wrong,  but I beleive that flashing money or sending too much money before the K-1 is approved can be a bad idea.  The guy becomes the "money tree".  Even for a nice girl.  Money sends the wrong signals for a good and healthy friendship,  and for any possible future you may have together.  Its like letting a kid loose in a candy store---you just should not do it.  Thats my mileage,  Tim

[Ramblin]

... in response to I tend to agree with you on the money th..., posted by tim360z on Feb 7, 2002

n/t.

[Stan B]

... in response to I tend to agree with you on the money th..., posted by tim360z on Feb 7, 2002

I think its a whole different ballgame and sending $ for english lessons and pocket $ is a good thing to do. After all you do plan on marrying her and you have to start developing a trust for each other. You'll also want her to speak english as well as possible on her arrivial, thus when you call her you should see results. And if you don't see results in her progression of learning, then maybe she isn't spending the $ as you agreed and that could be a 'red flag' warning.

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to Re: Safe to say my girl was a scammer, posted by SteveD on Feb 6, 2002

You can bet I will be much more likely to give a girl I am considering bringing back here nothing for a very long time.

[micha1]

... in response to Re: Safe to say my girl was a scammer, posted by SteveD on Feb 6, 2002

Any smart girl will tell you that women,who think that money don't bring them happiness.  It is because they do not
know where to shop.      I did not think this, it was in a book from a well know texan writer, he wrote Tender
Mercy.

[BarryM]

... in response to Safe to say my girl was a scammer, posted by Bobby Orr on Feb 6, 2002

I've been thinking about this a lot and I've come to the conclusion that it's best to not be so trusting when it comes to money. Although it hasn't been brought up much lately, the typical scams involving visas, passports, and airline tickets seem to be common. I personally would not want to send money for airfare... I would purchase it directly even though it would cost more. I'd rather have an advocate employed in my service for dealing with payments for paperwork, visa, passport, etc. It's a matter of scam proofing the situation and an scamming RW would back out of the process before it went all the way.

Some of the vets on here may disagree. I know there needs to be some trust with money, but I don't think it should be that much. I'd rather state up front that I'd take care of all the financial arrangements. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a general plan to do this. Perhaps others on here have some experience.

-blm

[Ramblin]

... in response to Is there a way to use a 3rd party on the..., posted by BarryM on Feb 6, 2002

I had been corresponding with a lady in Bishkek for over a year.  Yet I did not trust her.  I did not want to go to Kyrgystan so we agreed that I would pay for her to meet me in Kiev.  At first, I wanted to make sure that she didn't scam me out of the $4oo air fare and tried to get her a ticket myself instead of sending her the money.  When it turned out that I was unable to get the ticket, I sent her the money at the last minute for her to buy the ticket locally.  When she arrived in Kiev, I knew one thing.  I could trust her.  What if I had bought the ticket for her, how would I know that I could trust her to spend money that I give her for which it was intended??

[BarryM]

... in response to I disagree, posted by Ramblin on Feb 8, 2002

I'm glad it worked out for you. Too many times though, some of these ladies are scammers who will string you along for a while and wait for opportunities to get cash. There have been many stories on here about guys sending their girl air fare only to find out she took the money and ran with it. It is a judgement call and I personally would rather not leave anything to chance until I had confidence and trust in the girl.

-blm

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to Is there a way to use a 3rd party on the..., posted by BarryM on Feb 6, 2002

Barry, excellent point.  What would have been nice is if I had an advocate over there walking the girl through the steps to get her paperwork ie going with her and paying the necessary amounts, ensuring things were correct etc.  That would be a service well worth the money because it prevents this type of scam.  Soem agencies will do this.  Another reason not to ever think of using M@rdinson because they wash their hands clean of even trying to do that for you.

[BubbaGump]

... in response to Re: Is there a way to use a 3rd party on..., posted by Bobby Orr on Feb 6, 2002

We had a lot of speculation a while back as to whether or not they were an honest agency.  One stroke doesn't make them a dishonest agency but maybe we'll get another report on them in the future.  

I hope you add the girl to a scammer site so she can get the attention she deserves.  Add the family too.  I should have done that with mine.