Telling her you'll see other women

[ChipShot]

I am visiting Russia this spring, and hav ebeen writing one woman weekly. She's attractive, funny, and intelligent. I really want to see her. BUt, I also recognize that, within an hour of my arrival at SVO, I may realize she's not for me, or she may realize I'm not for her.

I wrote her about my travel plans, and told her that our chemistry may not turn out to be good, and that I had written others, though not as intensley as her. I raised this subject with her, because I just felt that being honest was better than being evasive or stupid, as she probably realizes men come to Russia to see more than one girl. I just don't think it's possible to sneak around, and I'd rather just be honest about the process, rather than act like a sneak.

I wonder if my honesty with her will cause her to be angry with me. I raise this question because i wonder if there's acultural issue here. Are FSU women likely to be more angry with this honesty, or will they appreciate it, considering the level of sneakiness generally in dating matters?

[WmGo]

... in response to Telling her you'll see other women, posted by ChipShot on Feb 6, 2002

Let a sleeping dog lie.
The less said the best.
Loose lips sink ships.
Don't open a can of worms.
Keep a secret a secret.
Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
Hell hath not fury like the scorn
of a (jilted) woman.
Keep private things private.

Some of these are not actually "Southern"
but clearly applicable.

[Mike]

... in response to Telling her you'll see other women, posted by ChipShot on Feb 6, 2002

I do know one thing ( maybe LOL)these ladies aren't stupid AT ALL! If you try and play it off that you have plans to go do this one day or that another, and pop up sometimes while the whole time she knows you're in her country and not there to smell flowers, she will know you are meeting other ladies on these days or times you're not able to meet her. If she is what you had hoped you'll have nothing to worry about, and will probly get a feeling early enough as to not ruin your trip. As for girls B,C,D, they will live without you if you don't go meet them. Or simply be honest and tell them all you are searching for something magic and made prior commitments to meet others, and you would feel yourself rude not to meet them as friends. ( which is what all of them are at this point)Either go with plans that you know you can live with, or flip a coin.
Mike

[Scaught]

... in response to Telling her you'll see other women, posted by ChipShot on Feb 6, 2002

I wrote to a woman for about a year without visiting (I know!) and things seemed strange (little acknowledgement of what I wrote each time, etc.-- that's why I put off going to see her), so I took people's advice when finally going to the FSU to have others lined up.

Let me tell you how stupid and how fortunate I was: I chose to write to three other women as a plan b, c and d. When I wrote to these other women (new prospects), I actually, get this, openly told them in the letter they were plan b-- that I had been writing a year to another woman and was mainly coming to see her, but I also said that it takes a face-to-face meeting to know if we are compatible and that might not work out. Despite the gist of the message and how it sounds when I briefly and crudely explain it to you like this here and now, it was very politely and respectfully worded. One of the three ladies wrote back. She was the one I hoped most would write to me. I ended up seeing her first because of logistics (plane connections) and because of our chemistry, I didn't see the other woman. Plan B became Plan A as soon as she removed her sunglasses (actually, when she wrote back to me she became Plan A, but that's a secret!).

In person, when we first met she told me she was so surprised-- I think astonished from the emotion in her voice-- that I would be so truthful. This attracted her. It showed her I was different-- extraordinarily honest, I suppose. (I was just being me.) Also, I suspect that the idea of other people being interested in me might have kindled something.

This is not a recommendation, though. I am just sharing my experience. If the situation were reversed, I wouldn't have responded unless I really, really thought she was amazingly special. And I might have passed up meeting what we call a "keeper" on this list.

[Zink]

... in response to Telling her you'll see other women, posted by ChipShot on Feb 6, 2002

I agree with your approach. I don't like lies. What I did on my first trip was focus only on the one girl. I did scan the ads and find contact information for other interesting women in the area. Then if I hadn't hit it off with my lady I could meet somebody new quickly. Many of the ladies will drop everything unimportant if they have the chance to actually meet a guy face to face whether he wrote ahead of time or not.

I don't know about all RWs but earning my lady's trust was a very difficult thing. So I aways told her the truth as best I could. It takes a long time to build real trust and only minutes to destroy it. I want a lady who will trust me enough to talk about anything. Some people prefer sweet lies to an unpleasant truth. But I'm not one of them. Are my methods the best way to go? D@mned if I know. But I have ethics that I try to live by.

[ChipShot]

... in response to Re: Telling her you'll see other women, posted by Zink on Feb 6, 2002

n/t

[WmGo]

... in response to Re: Telling her you'll see other women, posted by Zink on Feb 6, 2002

Hey Canadian friend!

My thought: telling the truth and *volunteering* potentially relationship damaging information are two
completely different things.

Yes, honesty always. But when it comes to traveling 8000 miles for a date its best to keep Plans B,C and D under wraps!

WmGO

[BarryM]

... in response to Telling her you'll see other women, posted by ChipShot on Feb 6, 2002

if you tell her you are going to see her. Simply abstain from mentioning your other plans. I wouldn't even bring it up and if she asks prior to the trip I would say, "maybe". One thing you have to consider, she it thousands of miles away and could easily have boyfriends she is sleeping with. How would you know? If she is engaged to you, then you should expect her to remain faithful, but until then you have to accept that she may have another relationship. She could easily decide to dump you the day before your trip over. It has happened to a few guys who have posted on here.

-blm