Do NOT do this....

[RW]

... in response to Do NOT do this...., posted by Deckard on Feb 1, 2002

It is HOW you say it.

This situation is not about money. I don't think you should be upset. It is learning experience for both of you. There will be many similiar situations like that at the beginning of your relationship and you need to talk about them.

She needs to learn not to take it personal, you need to learn to be little bit more sensitive. "You can be right or you can be happy" - that goes for BOTH sides.

Russian Wife

[Deckard]

... in response to It is not WHAT you say,, posted by RW on Feb 1, 2002


RW,

It definitely has been a learning experience for me, and for her.

Your last paragraph hits home with me. You're right on both accounts.

Thanks, RW

-Deckard

[Charles]

... in response to Do NOT do this...., posted by Deckard on Feb 1, 2002

Good post, Deckard.  I think it brings out two things:  1) these women are accustomed to things going wrong in their lives, and will magnify anything you say, so be very careful in your communications.  2)  in the financial area, I would highly recommend to anyone other than Bill Gates who is going through this process to downplay big time your financial situation, for two reasons:  1) for the really great women, I think it's a turnoff, at least that's what I have been consistently told and 2)  you don't want to raise expectations and create the potential for excess spending.  Most of these women are extremely careful with their money, and will appreciate your efforts to do so.

[Deckard]

... in response to Re: Do NOT do this...., posted by Charles on Feb 1, 2002


Good advice, Charles,

I downplayed truthfully from the very beginning. And during the three months that we were together, she knew it for sure. I was very careful to communicate my current financial situation to her.

About Bill Gates... I saw him a few years back, I think on 60 minutes, or some other news program that interviewed him. The camera crew actually followed him into a McDonald's, where he was looking up at the menu, and having a hard time picking out what to order. The young lady behind the cash register seemed totally oblivious as to who he was, and a little confused about why the camera crew was following him around. As he was slowly and thoughtfully ordering food and changing his mind too, I thought... you know.... he could just say... "I'll have you, your boss, this building, and this city block to go please.".

Peace,

-Deckard

[KenC]

... in response to Do NOT do this...., posted by Deckard on Feb 1, 2002

Deckard,
Lena and I never had too much of a problem regarding our communication and money.  You do have to watch your vocabulary on the subject though.  A flippant remark can send your RW into a tailspin unnecessarily.  A comment like "I'm broke right now" can be interpreted to mean you are about to be homeless and live in a box on the street instead of just having a momentary cash flow problem.  You have to understand that RW will tend to magnify ANY pessimism and minimize an optimistic outlook.

When Lena and I stayed at the Marriott in Moscow, I underestimated the cost.  Moscow was expensive and there is a 20%+ added value tax that I was unaware of.  After living high on the hog for most of the week, I had to get some more cash from home.  After I told her that we had to "cool it a little" on the money, she had no problem down shifting from $200 dinners at the hotel to much more reasonable places to eat.

Once your RW comes here you will have a different problem.  The value of money will be a very blurred subject for her.  $200 will be no different from $2,000 or $20,000 or even $200,000.  It will take her time to understand the differences.
KenC
ps: I enjoyed your trip reports and your girl is a real cutie!

[Deckard]

... in response to maybe this will help, posted by KenC on Feb 1, 2002


I have noticed also, that the exact words you select when speaking about something (especially when it is rather a delicate subject) can have a very profound impact (often negative).

Sort of an extension of the language barrier. In my opinion, it is the more dangerous sort of language barrier because it usually strikes when both are not prepared for it. Whereas if you were having great difficulty in communicating in the first place, you would be on your toes, and be looking out for miscommunication.

I ran into this 'dangerous' type of language barrier frequently with Luda, especially within the first month. And even now, it can happen, though it seems to be decreasing.

Word choice is definitely critical, as you have no idea what your ladies' interpretation of a certain word is. You have little idea how she learned the word, and in what context she learned it in. And if there are two or more ways for her to interpret the word, my girl will often pick the more negative connotation of the word . (Another thing, I get the impression that the English taught in FSU is 'British' English. Rather different, as I discovered Luda uses a couple of words in English that I have NEVER heard spoken here, ever.)

And yes, the magnification of the pessimistic views... I've noticed that at the back of my mind, but you saying it helped me to consciously file that away.

I'm glad you liked the trip reports/pictures.

Take care, Ken,

-Deckard
P.S. I enjoy your posts, and I think your insight and experience is invaluable to this board.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to point taken..., posted by Deckard on Feb 2, 2002

You bring up a good point. You never know exactly how she's going to interpret something due to her A) still learning the language [nuance is the last part of a language learned] and B) she sees things through her cultural prism.

A few years back, Gerber Baby Food tried to market their product in South Africa. They couldn't sell a bottle.

They couldn't figure out why, so they hired a firm.

Turms out that in South Africa, since so many of the natives can't read, it was common to place a picture of the ingredients on the can or bottle. If it had pork in it, there would be a picture of a pig. Beef would have a cow. Etc.

Guess what the natives thought when they saw a picture of a BABY on the bottle???

But the point is, even those who COULD read weren't buying the stuff because it creeped them out. And, they didn't want someone who couldn't read seeing them buying it and getting the wrong impression.

It's like the guy on here who pointed out that wintergreen smells like Russian Embalming fluids. If the only time russians have smelt that was when they were in a funeral home... then there's no WAY they're going to ever associate anything good with the smell.

Or, buy your girl a dozen roses sometime, and see what the reaction is.

I can go on and on.

The point is that cultural differences never go away.

Hopefully, neither does love... which is the only way of getting through it...

[Deckard]

... in response to Words and Interpretations, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 2, 2002


Disclaimer:

Just in case it wasn't clear, Mark is saying that you should *not* buy a dozen roses (or any even numbered amount of flowers) for your lady. Those are reserved for funerals!

Mark, your second sentence is awesome

-Deckard

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Note to all the new people..., posted by Deckard on Feb 2, 2002

Yeah... sometimes I assume that EVERYONE knows about the even number of flowers thing...

Thanks for clarifying.

Second sentence awesome, eh? Hmmm... I better go back and re-read... Dunno when the last time I wrote something awesome... :-)

[Mike]

... in response to Do NOT do this...., posted by Deckard on Feb 1, 2002

Guys if you really really like your girl NEVER mention even the simplest things that has to do with money or expenses, and the like! They may feel that they are in your debt, they may feel, you are greedy, they may think you will be a poor provider. OR from the very begining after meeting her casually try to explain how you are with money, how it works here, and what she can expect.
Mike

[terry]

... in response to Do NOT do this...., posted by Deckard on Feb 1, 2002

I find this interesting, being new, can some one tell me why this is a bad thing to tell a RW about the money end of the relationship.

Next Question, i have been reading  alot here the last few weeks. I am getting ready to start writing to  a few RW. I go t an E-mail from Jack  about helping with this. however , i do not understand All the things with Jack coming here under different names, why is this  and what is going on with it.  I ask this  becasue i have to make a decision on who I go to fo rhelp in finding  the ladies i will writ eto.
thank you
terry

[Natalya]

... in response to Re: Do NOT do this...., posted by terry on Feb 1, 2002

Being a russian wife myself I'd say that is very important you talk to your russian lady friend about money issues.If your financial situation is in good shape you have to explain her what kind of lifestyle is waiting for her and reassure her that you'll be able to support family even if first couple years your RW will not be able to work. It is important that man starts this conversation first. Russian women usually shy to ask money related questions but being russian it is very important for her to know that her future husband makes enough money to support family.And I'm not talking luxury here, just basic expences.

[terry]

... in response to Re: Re: Do NOT do this...., posted by Natalya on Feb 2, 2002

Tank you  Natalya

That helps me understand this a lot better.

[jj]

... in response to Re: Do NOT do this...., posted by terry on Feb 1, 2002

He has a team of followers to reinforce his message...  buy from Jack. And anyone that challenges him he abuses, claims they are someonelse and basicly put sh it on them. What he does not realise is that many can see through this and get tunned off from this abuse.  I have seen many new participants attacked in this way...  It just "un-american".  Occassionally I do support some of his comments... but more often not...  Oh and BarryM...  well he may be Jack or he may not...  but they are very close.

[BubbaGump]

... in response to Re: Do NOT do this...., posted by terry on Feb 1, 2002

We have a few posters on this board that seem to have a feud with Jack and they like to claim that all Jack's supporters are wrong and that they must be Jack posting under all these different names.  Jack has many former customers on this board and the majority are satisfied.  Those guys saying they were Jack are regulars on the board that also disagree with Jack's critics.  One of Jack's big critics just hates agencies in general.