ending my engagement...final part

[wsbill]

... in response to the voice of reason, posted by KenC on Jan 30, 2002

The tomatos are just a ploy for her to gain local acceptance, she is interior designer specializing in fancy drapes, etc...

In these parts people don't do business with strangers.  She would experience discrimation as to her being know as a foreigner coming in and taking over.

The tomato/vegtable business is will be our dacha.  This whole idea is for the merchants to get to know her and no doubt once they find out who is, where she is from and what did she do in her native country - A European Drape & Curtain maker.  I'm sure once she opens her doors for business the local women will be getting in touch with her.
(Think of the tomato/veggie business as seed money for her business).  

I'll continue to do either autoglass or I'll be working at Goodyear and doing glass on the side.  Got an interview tomorrow for GT, so will see.

[LP]

... in response to Re: Gee, isn't that why the INS gives yo..., posted by wsbill on Jan 29, 2002

...INS that. Why do you think they require a "Letter of Intent" to marry? They will take a dim view of your looking at it as a trial period.

Steve, I feel for ya but why in the heck would you ask a women to marry you after two weeks?

Fwiw, it doesn't have to mean the end. Sometimes a little holiday from each other can rekindle things, as long as you forgive her. You do have some investment in each other and stranger things have happened.

Then again, lieing is a bad thing and there are lots of other fish in that sea.

[SteveD]

... in response to Geez, don't tell the..., posted by LP on Jan 29, 2002

I asked her to marry me after just over 2 weeks of physical time together but we had spent 3 months talking to each other on the phone.
I know what you mean though. Making such a big commitment when you hardly know each other is fool hardy and in fact it was the downfall of our relationship because it added a lot of extra pressure. My reasoning for getting engaged was because I wanted to show her that I was committed to her and also because I thought it was what she wanted to hear. Turned out to be a big mistake though. I think we both realised it, we just were not at a stage in the relationship when we could make that committment.
I will probably call her in a couple of weeks and ask her to send the ring back (no, I'm just joking). I will call her though and see how she is.
STEVE

[thesearch]

... in response to Re: Geez, don't tell the..., posted by SteveD on Jan 29, 2002

There is a ring involved?

Do not worry, if she is a lady and not a low life she will return the ring without you even asking plain and simple - no discussion.

So, I guess you have placed before her  the opportunity to show you who she really is did you not. I hope you are not a product of abuse her but a reflection of her respect for  the situation and you. I hope she does not disappoint you and all of us.

[LP]

... in response to Re: Geez, don't tell the..., posted by SteveD on Jan 29, 2002

....my point was that when one makes that commitment one usually stops all other contacts one may have and puts all the eggs in the one basket.

If it goes down the toilet then you have to begin again from scratch. Better to keep many deals going at once until you are sure, that way if one blows up the others are still there to fall back on. Until you're sure, quanity is the key, you can choose the quality later on.

Smart move to call. The additude among many here that a relationship should be executed for the slightest problem strikes me as a little harsh. After all, these are people,  not commodities.

Good luck to you.

[Mike]

... in response to I understand...., posted by LP on Jan 29, 2002

This is true they are not commodities, and trust me, if they smell that they are being looked upon as such they will realize it quickly, so if you're going to have a few different possibilities at the same time you had better be very carefull. For example I've heard of guys going as far as meeting a girl then have her take him to the airport so she would think he left when he was really waiting for her to leave so he could go spend time with the next girl on the other side of town.
Mike

[Richard]

... in response to Re: Gee, isn't that why the INS gives yo..., posted by wsbill on Jan 29, 2002

Your right, the 90 day period is to allow a couple to make sure that they do want to get married.  However, sometimes as a relationship develops, one or both people may learn something about the other person that makes them believe the other person is not the one for them.  When you suspect that the other person might not be the one for you, bringing her over for a “90 day vacation” may not be a good idea as it will / may be difficult to send her back. As Steve said, “It would have been an absolute nightmare if I had brought her over here on a fiancee visa and we had found out then that we were incompatable. (sic)”  I’m glad you believe that your lady is for you. (That’s the way it should be.)  In your case, a  “90 day vacation” may be ok.  For me,  I wouldn’t bring someone over unless I was 110% sure it was going to work.

[wsbill]

... in response to Re: Sometimes it's not worth providing h..., posted by Richard on Jan 29, 2002

If I felt she wasn't worth the time and effort to bring stateside and live with me.

I would have rejected her a long time ago and we would have parted ways.

[Mike]

... in response to Re: Sometimes it's not worth providing h..., posted by Richard on Jan 29, 2002

Maybe it's just me, but if I brought a girl here that had a child and if she was not the girl for me, I still would suffer long enough so she could legally stay here without me instead of humiliating her by sending her back if this would be the situation for her. I made the bed so now I have to sleep in it kinda thing. If you're lucky she could get her conditional green card within a year and will be permitted to stay even if you divorce after that. ( she'll just have a longer wait for citizenship)Women with kids change all the rules for me. It's different if one adult has an effect on another adult, but a child doesn't deserve to also suffer or be dragged around the world like baggage.
Mike

[wsbill]

... in response to Re: Re: Sometimes it's not worth providi..., posted by Mike on Jan 29, 2002

For one thing, she'll be coming over on a plane ticket which is a round trip ticket (cheaper price).  If things didn't pan out.  She's going home, attitude and all.

Just because they are from another country doesn't mean their any different from American women.

This whole misconception that if she has to return home after visiting the USA for a possible marriage to a guy is pretty wimpy logic.  Total BS.  Especially, if she has a child...what were they thinking when she got knocked up.

No doubt, they're going to get her hell.  Cause they all know, if they can survive living with you for 2-5 years or more, they'll be home free.

These ladies are not stupid.
----------------------------
You had better check your state laws before you say "I do".
It's best to be totally debt free and own everything before they can claim it's theirs.

Ask KenC, he knows it all.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: Re: Sometimes it's not worth providi..., posted by Mike on Jan 29, 2002


If I brought her over here, with good intentions, and then discovered that it didn't work.. I'd feel obligation:

To buy her a one way ticket home, and offer her some set up money while she got reacclimated.

Under NO circumstances would I tough it out for two years so she could get a green card.

Are you serious???

That would include alimony, child support, and probably half of everything you own... after all she is your WIFE now, and entitled to all of the goodies that comes with that.

And if you don't think she'd figure out how to find a lawyer in two years to make sure you could be taken for the absolute limit -- your are a dreamer...

Folks, wake up here to your risks in this enterprise...

[Mike]

... in response to Yeah... it's just you, posted by MarkInTx on Jan 29, 2002

Firstly I wouldn't bring a women here with a child unless I was sure there would be future between us, if I was going to bring her and her child here to see if we could have a happy life and felt we failed at this, then why make her and her child miserable for the sake of my comfort. Look how this guy is bringing her and her CHILD here as if to go on a test drive. Fu@k these are humans. As for losing everything then think of this chance you take before bringing them here. Why do you think these laws were made to start with? Was it so women can marry then screw the guy , or was it made so women can't be dominated by control freaks? If a man is stupid enough to take such a gamble then he is stupid enough to lose the farm.
Mike

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: Yeah... it's just you, posted by Mike on Jan 30, 2002

My premise is that if I brought the woman over here it would be because I sincerely expected it to work.

I don't subscribe to the "90 Day Test Drive" Theory.

For one thing, I think that is an insanely expensive idea. If a guy thinks he doesn't have enough money to go over and spend time with her until he is sure she is the one -- he shouldn't be doing this.

It is MORE expensive to bring someone over and have it not work out. BY FAR...

But, you are waaay too idealistic if you think that you can ever be "sure there is a future".

I married a wonderful AW. I was SURE that we would be together forever. Three years later it was over. Neither of us could have predicted, or prevented it.

And I am talking about someone I saw several times a week, and talked to every night for the whole dating period. And we spoke each other's language, shared each other's culture, and were even within 3 months of each other in age, so we grew up watching the same dumb TV shows, and buying the same candy as kids.

You can NEVER be sure.

You can only make the best decision you can.

You only owe a woman honesty and sincerety. Green Card is nothing you should feel obligated to provide.

I don't care if She's Old Mother Hubbard and has so many kids that she doesn't know WHAT to do. That's not your fault... and that's not your responsibility.

Period.

[Richard]

... in response to Re: Re: Sometimes it's not worth providi..., posted by Mike on Jan 29, 2002

First of all, I will agree with you, that when a child, or children, are involved the rules change as the stakes are much higher.

Second of all, how high of a price would you be willing to pay to allow her/them to stay?  For example, are you living in a community property state?  Or, do you live in Florida, where the homestead act makes your wife an equal owner of your house, not just entitled to half of the appreciation after the marraige.

This is not to mention the emotional costs to all parties.

Disclaimer, these are just some thoughts I've been think lately.  That said, it would be nice if everything worked out: you know the "lived happily ever after" part of fairy tales...

Richard

[wsbill]

... in response to Re: Sometimes it's not worth providing h..., posted by Richard on Jan 29, 2002

More like 50/50.  Spend such a short time together as most of us guys, usually less than a month to a week with that special lady.

Unlike Dan who has lived there for a long period of time, he has found a real diamond in the rough.  We're like pearl divers, we can only hold our breaths for so long (two weeks normally), in hopes of finding that real gem.

You know that's the biggest problem with traveling 3500 miles and visiting someone who hardly speaks english, and trying to make heads or tails of a relationship.

I have atleast had the luxury of using Marty's wife to ask this young lady a few questions.  I and I must confess that I put some weight on decision making on what his wife says about my girl.

Let me put it to you this way.  The last time I was in Kiev and had some time to myself, I did stop in to a marriage agency and looked through all their catalog of pretty women.  But I just didn't have the interest in looking for someone else.

I think, I've found the closest match for myself.  There are still alot of question we have to ask one another.

I'm sure there are alot of guys out there that are looking for the perfect lady and have dated hundreds and are still looking.  They're lost in a sea of beautiful women. Because they really don't know what they're looking for.

Then again, there are guys that meet one lady, who is not perfect in every way, shape or form.  And they'll marry them and live happily ever after.

I don't want to marry someone I am infatuated with or total dropdead beautiful girl.  I want to marry someone because of her personal character and qualities, I'm not a beautiful guy, I'm a average dude.