What should I do?

[DR]

... in response to Re: What should I do?, posted by Rags on Dec 22, 2001

n/t

[Del]

... in response to What should I do?, posted by Johnny W on Dec 21, 2001

Johnny,
As one who has been through the same "firestorm" you are in (and,the relationship was the casuality!) I urge you to think very seriously about having a long talk with your daughter and explaining that you'll always be her father, just as you'll always be Elena's husband and that you will be living with Elena long after your daughter has her own family and her own life.
In short, make it clear to your daughter that it is she (and she alone) who will have to make the choice about the tone and timbre of your relationship with her!
All 3 of my young people now acknowledge that they were responsible for the breakup of the relationship - they now in their mid-twenties!

[Johnny w]

... in response to Re: What should I do?, posted by Del on Dec 22, 2001

Hi Del,

I did what you adviced me to do, and the result was good
Thank you.

Johnny W

[beattledog]

... in response to What should I do?, posted by Johnny W on Dec 21, 2001

Like you, I had a wife who died in a car accident 8 years and was left with young teenage chldren. the son is now 20 and the daughter is now 21. I have not sought a wife in this time, because I did not want the arguments and any woman coming becoming myself and the childre. No regrets. Now, I am ready to find a wife.

Beattledog

[Johnny W]

... in response to Re: What should I do?, posted by beattledog on Dec 22, 2001

Good luck to you. I hope you will find somebody you will love as much as I love Elena.

[Ramblin]

... in response to What should I do?, posted by Johnny W on Dec 21, 2001

Hi Johnny,
your problem is very common for people in your situation.  Your daughter now has competition for her Daddy's attention and she is going to fight to drive the other woman away and have you all to herself.  In addition, being a typical teenager, she will question authority and even argue as you say.  Your wife Elena loves you but as you say, she doesn't like your daughter.  And probably your daughter doesn't like your wife and hasn't made things easy for her at all.  And there you are stuck in the middle because you love them both but you have been with your daughter longer and feel that you love her more as you say that you are not willing to sacrifice your relationship with your daughter to get a good relationship with any woman.  But you love your wife so what do you do?  Not so easy but what you must do is not let the fact that they don't like each other affect your relationship with either of them.  They will try to manipulate you, especially the daughter as she already has, but you must not let that happen.  Tell them you don't like the fighting and arguing and try very hard not to take sides.  Tell your wife that you will always want your daughter to feel comfortable in your home and that you are holding your wife responsible to make sure that she never makes your daughter uncomfortable to be in your home.  Tell your daughter that she does not have to love your wife as her mother but that she must not show her any disrespect and that she should try to make things easier on her because you are committed to her as your wife and your daughter needs to accept the fact that you intend for Elena to always be your wife and that you love them both.  Set some time apart each week, one period of time is father daughter time, and one period of time is husband wife time and then go out and spend the time appropriately.  Don't ever let either one of them think or feel that they are loved second best.  If you let your daughter ruin your marriage, then you would be wrong Johnny, and Elena would deserve a far better husband than you.  Over time, your daughter will mature and even be thankful for Elena.  I didn't particularly care for my Stepdad when I was a teenager but now when I think back on it, he was the one who taught me how to drive, and I must say, he did a good job of it.  Someday, your daughter is going to need Elena and Elena is going to be delighted to help her and you will see a breakthrough and peace and love in your family.  So for now, the main thing is to not let them pull you from side to side or manipulate you in their direction to the exclusion or hurt of the other.  And yes, keep in mind that you are very biased towards your daughter and probably (based on what you wrote) completely blind to her faults, so occasionally you should ask yourself, is my daughter in the wrong here and maybe I should tell her to lighten up a bit.  Women are emotional creatures, but you are the man, you must be the one to make sure reason, logic, and accountability prevails.  

[Johnny W]

... in response to Re: What should I do?, posted by Ramblin on Dec 22, 2001

Hi Ramblin,

What you are drawing the attention to, was truly a problem earlier. However we have lived together for more than two years now, and my daughter has made it clear that my Elena is not her mother. I also believe that she understand that I love her even if there is a new woman in my life.

I think it's correct what so many have written that probably there will not be untill she is grown up she will understand everything.

I will try to remember your good advice to make both of them understand that I love them.

Johnny W

[RW]

... in response to What should I do?, posted by Johnny W on Dec 21, 2001

Dear Johnny,

I think that sooner or later all of us realize that the only time you can be a good parent in eyes of your children is when they are very small or when they have kids of their own. Everything in between is a "war" for independence
That happens in every family, with all kids - just depends how serious and bad it gets and how long it takes to recover Even if your wife was alive - it still would have been the same. If you have married different woman - you still would have the same problems with your daughter. I think you should realize and change your attitude towards it to be not "Elena vs my daughter", but "us, parents dealing with our kids".

There is no quick solution to it and it might take years till it all settles down - your daughter grows up, gets happy with her life and "finds" herself.

The only piece of advice I can give you is to never put Elena or you daughter down in front of the other. Give them both respect, understanding and love. Just remember, years will pass by and your daughter will move on. If you will let Elena go you might regret it later - even your daughter might regret it too. She will not need your sucrifice.

Also, does Elena have kids of her own? What I usually notice how we, women who moved to other country, "fix" our memories on good things which happened in our lives before without realizing that things have changed a lot - our friends, families, everything. Kids in Russia these days are much more different from kids even five years ago. They are dealing with totally different environment, information, lifestyle, etc. So the problems which your wife is facing with your daughter might be even smaller ones than she would have in Russian with her own kids.

Hope that helps.

Russian Wife

[Johnny W]

... in response to Re: What should I do?, posted by RW on Dec 22, 2001

Dear RW,

Thank you for a thought-provoking reply. In spite of your young age, you are a very wise woman. It's always interesting to read your posts.

Thank you.

Johnny W

[micha1]

... in response to Re: What should I do?, posted by RW on Dec 22, 2001

Veru well said.

[LP]

... in response to What should I do?, posted by Johnny W on Dec 21, 2001

"I'm not willing to sacrifice my daughter to get a good relationship with any woman."

Say what? Thats seems a tad strange to me.

Wish I could be as eloquent as the others, but not in my
makeup. The fact is your daughter will eventually grow up in more ways than one. (I've raised two girls, trust me).

She will move on, or out, and what will be will be. In short, it's a temporary situation, while the Mrs is for
the duration.

Other than that, I agree with the other's advice.

[KenC]

... in response to What should I do?, posted by Johnny W on Dec 21, 2001

Johnny,
Some questions first.  How old is your daughter?  There is a big difference between 13 and 19.  Does your daughter live with you and your wife?  Is there any other children in the house?

Without the above information, I will just have to say that blending families is a most difficult thing to do.  You must stand united with your wife.  You must demand that your daughter treats your wife with respect,  She doesn't HAVE to like her, but she MUST treat her respectfully.  The "step" parent, your wife in this case, is in a very akward position.  She is not the "mom" and cannot act as freely as one would, but yet she is the "woman of the house" and DOES deserve to make certain decisions.  Your wife must get her boundries from you.  What is she allowed to do in regard to your daughter and what is she not allowed to do.  A lot depends on the answers to the questions above,
KenC

[Johnny W]

... in response to questions, posted by KenC on Dec 22, 2001

Hi KenC

I agree with you. Please read what I replied below. Thank you for your wise reply.

Johnny W

[DE]

... in response to What should I do?, posted by Johnny W on Dec 21, 2001

I agree with the other posters below, you must show support for your wife and make it quite clear to your daughter that she IS your wife and that nothing, including your daughter will come between the two of you.  Your daughter will soon be living on her own.  As time passes, she will have her own family and you will see less of her.  Who will you have to share your life with then, if not Elena?  You took the vows, now its time to reassure Elena that you are committed to her.  Children learn quickly how to manipulate parents.  Regardless of how much you love your daughter, your daughter has a responsibility in developing a relationship with your new wife that is at least tolerable to you and Elena.  Life is a two way street and so are families.  Questioning authority is one thing, arguing or disrespect is another.  You and Elena must be on the same game plan as to how you are going to deal with this issue.  You will have to compromise to some of Elena's views on how to handle this issue.  Your daughter needs to know that while you do love her, you will not tolerate her disrupting your relationship with your wife. Period!  Obviously, you need to attempt to get your daughters buy in first on how to reach a resolution to this issue.  But, your daughters buy in is OPTIONAL (children don't run families), not a requirement.  You AND Elena have the utimate decision and responsibility on how to handle this difficult issue.

[Johnny W]

... in response to Re: What should I do?, posted by DE on Dec 21, 2001

Hi DE

You're so absolutely correct about what you say about the difference about questioning authorities and showing disrespect. Unfortunately that is a problem in Norway. We have gone far in abolishing all authorities, but we have lost something in this process also.

Thank you

Johnny W