Ref. Seeking Advice

[Confused in LA]

First I would like to thank everyone for their responses. Second, no, it was not a bogus message.  I apologize for not giving much details but when i posted the first message I was short on time and have not been back to read all the responses until now.  

Here is the Background:
I met the lady about 2 years ago through the "Ladies From Colombia" website.  Things went great and we chatted and emailed for about 6 months before I went to Bogota to see her.

By the way, I am 47 and she is 40 and no children, so I was not  looking for just some arm candy to show off.  She had been married once before to an American when she was in her early twenties but from what she told me and her documents the marriage only lasted about 2 months.  He apparently was abusive mentally, but not physically.  

On the first trip there she wanted to talk marriage and i wouldn't.  I wanted to make a couple of visits and get to know her a little.  Her parents would not agree to a Fiance Visa and her coming to the states so if we did marry it was going to be in Bogota. I was amazed how much influence her parents had over this situation since she was 40 years old.

When I was there I stayed in the Sheraton and went to her home to visit her family.  i didn't realize that all her family was in the one home, a total of 16 people.  This made it impossible to have any time alone with her and get to know her as I probably should have so that was my mistake.  But she was always very happy and caring.  

When we did decide to get married, i did not exaggerate anything about myself, my fiances, my work, or my way of life.  I laid it all on the table because i didn't think she could handle being here alone most of the day and only seeing me in the evenings.  But she said it wasn't a problem she would be able to find a lot of things to keep her busy.  

We married in December of 2004 and she finally received her Visa in October and traveled her in November.  

The rest is in my first posting.  I am trying to be patient but it is hard when she insults friends and things.  But everyone has told me to get through the holidays and then maybe things will get bettr.  Now she has asked me if I would adopt her niece and bring her here to live with us.  Her niece is 8 years old and is her brothers little girl.  I told her no and that has set off a whole new battle.

Again, I apprciate the advice and I would not have written this as a hoax.  I am sincerely seeking help as to what i should do or not do.  But for now, I just want to get through the holidays with her and my family and see how she acts around them.

[Frank O]

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

VERY similar to mine. I also married overseas. My wife ALSO turned out to be a momma's girl to this date, claimed "abuse" by me simply because I put my foot down & wouldn't put up with her crap etc etc. I could just go on & on about it.
Having said that the red flags did NOT appear till she arrived here which made it difficult. Of course I do NOT think the 90 of the fiancee would make a difference as I think if THEY KNOW they simply do what is "right" for 90 days THEN the REAL agenda comes out. In either case I truly believe you are screwed my man. I wish you'd e mail we could REALLY compare notes, pretty sad is all I an say. The only difference is my wife was Ukrainian & yours is Colombiana. If mine had been Colombiana things might have been REALLY different as I'm fluent and I think I have a fairly good grasp of Latina culture albeit not Colombian still VERY similar. Shoot me an e mail.

[zack]

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

The fiance visa probably would have saved your ass. Her true colors would have been revealed here in the states BEFORE you married her and hence you would simply send her back to Colombia with no legal ties. If her family is so gung-ho about marriage in Colombia they  can still have a wedding ceremony in Colombia, that is, after the legal wedding ceremony here in the states.

[doombug]

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

From the way things read, seems like a potentially troublesome situation you've got yourself into.

Your wife and her family seem to be cold-hearted when it concerns you.  And her version of why the first marriage to a gringo flopted (because he was "mentally abusive") is probably a self-effacing lie.  

[Bob S]

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by doombug on Dec 10, 2005

Probably her first husband refused to take her crap and threw it back in her face.  And we all know that refusing to bend over and take the crap a woman dishes out is the very definition of "mental abuse".
Patrick's right.  There were more red flags here than a Moscow May Day parade.

[Patrick]

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

You've got more red flags than a communist country!  It almost sounds like you had very little relationshiop with her prior to marriage, even if it was a fairly long courtship.  A woman who's truely interested in you would form a real relationship with you, despite her parents or other family objections.  That should include plenty of alone time, a sexual relationship, and commitment.  It doesn't sound like you had that.  There's probably a reason this woman was only married once briefly for 2 months.  You may be finding out why right now.

I get the impression you're trying to bury your head in the sand and hope things will get better when you pull your head out.  That's a wish that's probably not realistic.  Face reality, make the tough decisions, and move on.  You'll (both) be better off in the long run.

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Patrick on Dec 10, 2005

n/t

[Ricardo]

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

You have refused her request to adopt.... maybe they have been more "refusals".  Do you think she would say you have 'mentally' abused her???  
But I agree with others on this board that there is more to this story!  Good luck, or better yet - start thinking of your options.... seriously!
Ricardo

[darolina1]

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

Isn't there a chance that the "niece" might actually be the daughter? If she's been in the US for only a few weeks and she already wants you to adopt her... I don't know, I would love to have an aunt that cares so much!

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by darolina1 on Dec 10, 2005

I bet you are right and this would explain a lot of what is going on.

[Looking4Wife]

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by darolina1 on Dec 10, 2005

.

[mudd]

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by darolina1 on Dec 10, 2005

thats a good point, i didnt think about that angle of it.

[Avispa]

... in response to Re: Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by mudd on Dec 10, 2005

That's what I was thinking. The niece is probably her daughter.

[Jamie]

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

Hey I knew you were legitimate all along which is why I gave you one sentence of sound advice...  just give me a moment to edit my previous post.

Something still does not seem right. “But everyone has told me to get through the holidays and then maybe things will get better.” That advice seems strange coming from as you put it, a female friend that "can't stand her". It’s certainly not the advice you got from this board. How would the holiday season solve your problems?

"i didn't realize that all her family was in the one home, a total of 16 people. This made it impossible to have any time alone with her..."
Impossible? What does the number of people living in her house have to do with going out and being alone with her? Were they blocking the door?

Do you have anything positive to tell us about the relationship now? Seems liked you missed a lot of clues on the way and we still have very little to go with to understand what is actually happening and why.

Unless they are educated and professional I’m not seeing very good outcomes with guys dating and marrying women over 40. They can’t seem to adapt, get out and about or learn English. I think the lesson here is always go with the arm candy.

To be serious I think any Colombian woman with a divorce from an American man should be thoroughly investigated to find out why. I personally would suggest avoiding such women. “Mentally abusive” did you ask in what way? Do you both speak the same language which is? How many days did you spend with her in Bogota? surfscum asked you some very good questions but you have not answered him which make me question your intent for help.

Engage the Exotic – Latin Women
Http://International-Introductions.com

[Kiltboy1]

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

My wife  alienated my whole family and my friends. Thye could not stand her. They tried to be nice to her, and everything, but she was just cold and when i tried to talk to her about it and told her none of my friends and family liked her, all she could say was  NO IMPORTA, NO IMPORTA, Well, the only person besides me that still tried to be her friend was my 8 year old daughter until her 9th birthday  party and she told me she did not want my wife there , that she did not like her anymore. Well, when i told my wife this , you know what she said, yep, you guessed it , NO IMPORTA, but this time with TEARS IN HER EYES . Good luck, but your wife will never change, she is who she is and at 40, she is hopeless, time to give up the ship before it sinks with you on it.

KB