Looking for Advice

[gcman]

... in response to Please tell me where you have been in So..., posted by Chris F on Dec 8, 2005

How about i have been to every country in latin america and have been going there for over 30 years and know and do business in most of the countries... mostly in colombia, ven and brasil and Panama.. i am in latin america almost 40% of the time look all countries have great woman and bad women  is a case of taking your time and also being comfortable in the country  for u  that is peru  for others is colombia  i love both and also brasil  any thing else u want to know?  please ask  

[Fuzzyone]

... in response to To surfsscum, posted by Chris F on Dec 7, 2005

Chris

   I went thru the same thing with my Peruvian wife, I took care of the problem I
showed her the door. I could do nothing right and why the hell would I want to
live like that for the rest of my life. I wish it could have worked out but it was not
to be. Now I am married to a very beautiful Colombian woman who I cannot wait
to come home too!

[WS244]

... in response to Some thoughts and questions (long), posted by surfscum on Dec 6, 2005

[This message has been edited by WS244]

Well this is not personal nor directed at anyone. (well maybe at the younger men)

Women are women.  

Women's thought processes are exactly like cats. (I said cats not dogs)

Anyone who understands cats understands women.

Instead of wasting money on preachers, shrinks, boyfriends, girlfriends, mom, etc. a man just needs to have a pet cat for 8 months.  At the end of eight months,(if he has not killed it in the interim) and for life there after, a man understands any woman's thought process without fear, malice, prejudice, and has the ability to live happily ever after with or without one. (women on Venus and men on Mars just sells books)

[Montrealer]

... in response to Some thoughts and questions (long), posted by surfscum on Dec 6, 2005

[Ken2]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

Has a similar situation a few years back.  X wife did not care for the city here or my family/friends.  Besides  moral support she made need counseling.

[valuedcustomer]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

You say "my wife arrived in LA", so you probably got married in Colombia.  If you had gotten the Fiancée Visa you would have had 90 days to live with her without marrying her.  This would have saved you some effort, since it only took you 3 weeks to see the problems.  I remember reading somtime ago where Colombia Divorce law got easier (in some cases you only need to file papers without going to court) but I don't remember the details.  You need to end it now and see if you can give her some incentive to go back to Colombia.  However, if she wants to stay here legal or illegal, she is going to stay and there is nothing you can do about it.  If she is pretty, maybe she can get another sucker to take her.  The one thing I have learned about marriage is that you don't know what someone is like until you live with them.  I made my wife wait three years and there still were surprises, but at least I got the big things correct.  Make a decision in haste; repent at leisure.    

[wizard]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

[This message has been edited by wizard]

You asked for advice... From the response you've received, I'd say you've gotten plenty on both sides of the fence...

I agree with most all in that you should take action, but only you can decide what is best for you and your new wife... If she is truly unhappy in her new life, then it's in both of your best interest to end the marriage quickly... If she does love you and is terrified of her new life, she may need a higher degree of hand-holding during the first few weeks... The first few months are very difficult for your new esposa...

As another poster advised, the only way to know is to have a serious talk with her... She needs to explain the radical change in her personality & behavior once she arrived in the US... You need to find out exactly what the problem is... If her explanations are unreasonable, highly emotional or lack clarity, then I think you know what you're in for if you stay together...

My wife is from Bogota and adapted to life in the US very well... She has several Colombiana amigas around the US that she stays in contact with via telephone / email... My email address is in my profile if you want to contact me...

[Cali James]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

[This message has been edited by Cali James]

The first several months (if not longer) can be difficult for a new wife in a new country away from all her family and friends.  Not knowing your particular circumstances, I would imagine like many, you may work long hours thus leaving her alone for most of the day.  For a young latina used to being with a large family at all times, this kind of change can be dramatic.  Your wife may be experiencing depression and this could be the reason for her change in personality and attitude.

It looks like you're trying to help her by suggesting things to help her to become more active.  But depression if severe enough can lead to despair or hopelessness and this may be the situation she feels herself in.  Once despair sets in, a person begins to withdraw and everything you suggest or do will have the same predictable results.  I wouldn't however throw in the towel at this point but you need to really get to the bottom of what's going on and soon.  If it is just that, depression, then you and her may be able to work through it.  If it's anything other than that, in otherwords this is who she really is, you may need to send her home.

My wife and I are a bit isolated out here in the Central Valley of California, nevertheless she's been able to make friends (primarily by phone) with a few of the other Calena wives here in California that we've met along the way.  For my wife, I think this has been a big positive.   As in everything there are always a few bad apples but I try to give my wife the freedom to discover these things on her own.  Anyway, you might try to hook your wife up with a few wives from Bogota who have gone the same route as you and who are still HAPPILLY married.  Ask around on the board, you might get some guys wife who is willing to befriend her.  I'd stick with Bogotanas as they'll be a more immediate bonding.

Good luck and try to discover what's at the bottom of this now rather than later.

[Montrealer]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Cali James on Dec 6, 2005

Great advice CJ.  Depression tied to traumatic changes can be very overwhelming.

[Montrealer]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

Without a back gorund story its hard to give you advice, but I will try.  Although other paople are probably groaning.

Ask yourself first.  Am I doing anything differently?  Am I acting like a 47 year old now, and not like a 25 year old while I was down there?  Did I maybe give her false impressions of what type of person I am?  Examples being, exagerate income, exagerate lifestyle, etc.?  Am I treating her any differently?

Now if you answeres these questions honestly with a no, then proceed below.

Let's consider the fact she may be homesick.  If this is the fact then ask her how she would feel more comfortable.  Would she like to make a trip back down to see her family?  And then she can make the choice whether she wants to return.  But don't tell her that she is going there to think about the relationship, let her believe that it is just a family visit.  If it is true love and her being homesick, then her family will encourage her to try harder.  If she just really doesn't like the experience, then she won't return and she will tell you.

Now, let's consider her being a green card shark.  She has landed and has her green card.  Offer her a way out.  Ask her if she would like to get a divorce and offer her to help her get settled on her own.  Not so much financially, but with moral support and maybe a bit of cash.  If she jumps on the opportunity, then you know you had a shark the whole time.  What you want to do at that point is your discression.  I would recommend giving her a plane ticket or $5.00.  

Lastly, but firstly, you should try talking to her.  Communication is the key to everything.  She probably doesn't like your friends because they are all much older than her.  Maybe try to find friends her age.

As for the niece, unless you agreed to it while you were dating, then it is a definate no at this point.  You can even tell her that it is not fair to bring someone else in the house when she herself is not 100% happy.  It will be a way for her to change for the right motivation, or at least that she will know where she stands and if this was her goal the whole time, then she will move on.

Exhaust all attempts at solutions before giving up, but don't try to long at the solutions if you see they are not making any difference.

*By the way, LA is an ugly city.

[gcman]

... in response to Exhaust all solutions, but quickly, posted by Montrealer on Dec 6, 2005

you truely are clueless about relationships   what a joke
are you related PAPI???

[soltero]

... in response to Exhaust all solutions, but quickly, posted by Montrealer on Dec 6, 2005

The only advice that will do this guy any good is to start documenting his situation and his way out of it. She isn't going to change. It doesn't matter if it's his fault or hers. If she is acting like this now, there is only one direction it's going to go. People need to realize that the Dr. Phil stuff only works up until a point, and this girl's point was before the marriage while she was still in Bogota. Any more time this guy or the young lady spend in this will only be wasted. Montrealer, you need to hold off on giving any advice until this time next year. Believe it...

Before you can give advice, you need to have SOME experience. Good or bad...where's yours?

[Montrealer]

... in response to You truly  are a newbie, aren't you?, posted by soltero on Dec 6, 2005

My experience comes from 6 years of a succesful marriage with a high class woman from Mexico.  As I told in my early posts, the only reason the marriage didn't work is because she didn't want to live away from her family and chose her large family over me.  She still says she loves me and often regrets the choice she made, but we both agree that she made the choice and changing her mind has too high of a chance of having regret in the future.

So, although I may not have experience with agency girls, I do have experience with latin women and with marriage.  So this is where my advice comes from.  Do you have any experience like that, or do you just have experience with dating women in SA and thinking the worst of them at all times?

[soltero]

... in response to my response, posted by Montrealer on Dec 6, 2005

You misunderstand me. I said in my original post to this guy that I don't think the woman is a villain and I don't think anything bad about her. That is your interpretation and arrogance which will probably lead you down the same road, but as I said, get back with me this time next year on that. It is the situation that is irreperable if it follows what he posted. I don't think anything bad about the girl. The guy's rose colored glasses are probably at fault here. Just as they might be in your situation.

Experience in a successfull marriage doesn't qualify you to give advice in a situation that you may not have any experience with, since yours was so successful. Personally, I would consider success to last longer than six years, but that's just me. Also, if you are going to open up your situation as successful, what advice may have you given yourself to compromise with your wife to have prolonged the marriage? This question is rhetorical as many advice givers seem to think they can fix everything even when they haven't been able to for themselves.

I am not trying to get on you, and I hope the best for you, but you have shown that you aren't willing to take advice, so it's comical that you are trying to give it. Time will tell in all situations, yours, mine, this guy's, and anybody else's.

By the way, your fiance is an "agency girl". For you to make that distinction and label those women in that way is highly offensive and disrepectful to them and to her.

[Montrealer]

... in response to Re: my response, posted by soltero on Dec 6, 2005

"By the way, your fiance is an "agency girl". For you to make that distinction and label those women in that way is highly offensive and disrepectful to them and to her."

I don't mean any disrespect when I say "agency girl".  There is a reason that I put quotations on that term.  I use that term because almost, if not all, men on here are using agencies to find women.  And many of these men describe these girls as green card sharks or other negative terms.  I believe that there are some women who would fit this category, but I also believe that many of these women are good women.  This includes my novia (by the way she is still my novia and not my fiancee yet).

As for the suceess of my previous marriage, I do believe it was a success as the love was always there, the communication was always there, the give and take parts of the relationship were always there.  It was a storybook marriage for the most part of it, including the point where we decided to become seperated.  Not many people can call thier ex's thier best friend.  I can and still do even though we are 2 countries apart.  Everything in my marriage was as close to a perfect marriage as it could be.  The only thing that went wrong is we got married too young and she didn't realize the strain it would be on her, an only child, living so far away from her family and her culture.  If it was not for these things the marriage would have lasted forever probably and I wouldn't be a member of this forum and sharing these words with you.

Also, if you noticed in my post to this guy, I told him it would be difficult to comment on the issue properly without knowing more of the story.  I simply tried to open his eyes to some things that he may not have realized, or to some options that he may not have known were there, while others just siad pack her up and ship her back.  We shared actually simular advice, just with different words.