I had thus far put everything I possibly could have into this relationship, and had asked for nothing in return except for her to come with honest intentions of putting forth effort to make it work after her arrival.

Instead, she was a complete recluse from me from the time she got off the plane. Then, it got worse. She was with me less than 10 days, most of which she spent locked in her bedroom.

When I posted my story on mag, many people thought it had to be me. Yes, I made mistakes, and take responsibility for my own failures. But at that time, there really were not that many horror stories about fil/am relationships.  

Since then, I have been back again, and with what I feel was still a somewhat positive attitude considering the circumstances. What I found was more girls willing to tell me anything they thought I wanted to hear in order to gain from me. In fact, it got so bad I finally did develope something of a bad attitude. I started questioning some of these girls I was meeting with suspicion, and found that in most cases my suspicions had merit. Out of about 15 I spent time with on this trip, I can say I found 2 that I did not catch lieing to or try to take advantage of me.

Incredible odds, most said, that I would find all the bad ones, when everyone else had found the woman of their dreams. It had to be me.

Well, I don't believe it's all me, and never did. There have been numerous stories since mine that parralelled my experience. I won't name them, for I can't possibly remember them all. But every other week or so now there is another one biting the dust.

Here is what I DO believe. I believe that for many years the penpal route was relatively unusual, in comparison to where it has gone since the internet became the standard method. It think it used to be a much safer method than it is now. Maybe the word got around the PI that the way to riches was find an AM to give you money, and that there was an ample supply of them on the internet. It seemed like the number of sites on the web pertaining to fil/am penpals tripled every year for several years. With this came the reduction of the odds of finding an HONEST girl using this method. It has now become a means for of girls with very little opportunity in life to possibly turn themselves around and get what they want. Now this is used more as a road to riches than a ladder love to happiness.

Bear with me, I'll finish soon.

Larry.

... in response to Re: Howard and co. part 2, posted by donb2222 on Dec 9, 2001

The biggest mistakes that come immediately to mind are;

I, like many others, was in too much of a hurry. I only had two weeks per year to spend in the PI, and this is not really a long enough period of time to really get to know someone. If both parties are open and honest with each other, this might not have disasterous results, however, if one person has other than honest intentions and wants to hide that fact, it is easy to do. You simply cannot know each other well enough in a few weeks to find what you don't want to see. Phone calls and emails/letters are great, but there is nothing like having a lot of PERSONAL time together to get to know someone. Many people have expressed the attitude that these girls are "too sweet" to be conniving, but I now know sometimes there is something else behind the smile that is not so sweet. This was the hardest lesson for me. I didn't want to see what was behind the sweet smile. I was easy prey.

Another mistake that comes to mind is I allowed myself to be blind to the facts. The warning signs were all there. The continuing saga of "I have a problem", (I need money)
the continued purchase of things she needed that would do her no good here, and the progressive delaying of the petition and getting on the plane, to name a few.

If I could start all over again knowing what I know in my heart now, I wouldn't. I'd save myself the heartache and stay home.

Larry.

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Howard and co. part 2, posted by SteveG on Dec 11, 2001

I agree with you Steve.  My present situation with analyn is that I have high doubts after putting the pieces of the puzzle together.  Over the past year, there have been too many gaps between e-mails, and I also haven't received any new pictures in 9 months even though I've sent her disposable cameras.

What she says is one thing.  Actions are something entirely different.  I think I've given this a fair shot.  Part of me thinks I'm wrong for jumping to such conclusions, and the other part of me thinks I should move on in pursuit of somebody else where things are more right.

Plus the Iglisia ni Cristo factor is an inevitable issue.  From what I learned about that church, the next time I won't start anything with a member.  At its best, in a 2-way 100% love relationship, this issue will create problems of some sort (being condemned by the church, disowned by the family, etc.).  At it's worst, if it is not 100% 2-way love, then the mix is that more the much volatile.

When I think about it it is hard.  Because of the things we did exchange (words or otherwise).  On the other hand, I do not want to end up in an unthinkable situation.  I am poised to make new friendships, and unless I'm 100% convinced otherwise, end this one.  Emotionally it is still not easy.  I don't know what she's really thinking in her heart.  Well, I know you've been that road before and it took courage to accept things the way they were.

- Kevin

... in response to Howard and co. part 2, posted by shadow on Dec 9, 2001

Hu