Some things are very hard to understand. Of the things that are difficult to understand, that you find a way to comprehend, many are difficult to explain. Trying to explain the things that I find difficult to understand helps me understand things a little better. Confused? Me too :c) Try this one on for size!
I can't gauruntee that everything is going to be posted in order. Some things that I want to share, need to share, are more important than others. I will go in my own order of priority, because I always go in my own order of priority :c)
Last Wednesday was a very interesting day for me. I had already had a few healthy conversations with my wife and I felt with some degree of certainty that I would know what was going on by midnight my time. We had arranged contact through the same aunt that Ayesa was staying with. Either Ayesa's mother would tell me that Ayesa was on a plane or Ayesa would still be there and I would have to make a decision whether or not to buy a ticket, tell her to keep trying with her Companion Ticket, or blow the whole thing off entirely. I had made reservations for her on her companion ticket for a flight that would've left by the time I got home from work on Wednesday. Whether or not she would get bumped was the factor that we could not anticipate. Well, that and if she'd get on the plane at all. Take those two factors out of the equasion and my life is peachy :c)
For the first time in a very long time I honestly did not know what I would do. I was in no short supply of people telling me what to do, but I am the one that will have to live with this decision. Ayesa will too, but the ball's in my court and I was out of answers.
I hadn't slept well in weeks, months actually. The frustration of my wife being in the Philippines without me, even though I knew she needed to focus on her family, not me, was still tough to swallow. The communication was as bad as it could get. I'd spend hours just getting messages that the circut I was trying to reach is busy. The calling cards don't work worth a darn. My only contact was through relatives that weren't always very helpful. Unless, my wife decided to contact me collect at six zillion dollars a second. It was especially difficult to sleep through the night in the past two weeks because my mother-in-law was in Manila trying to work things out and only calls me at 4am. Try sleeping after trying to get flight information at 4am, it doesn't happen.
Wednesday morning I had to make another round of phone calls to try and help Ayesa get it all together with the Companion Ticket. By the time I was done, I was an hour and a half late to work--which I could care less about--frustrated and about at my wit's end. My family and close friends have been very concerned about me. A few make things easier, but most just make it more difficult without meaning to. The curse of having people care about you :c) Whoever put the hex on me did it good! LOL!
My mother--who is a tweener in the scenario I just mentioned :c)--has been gently trying to get me to have a little faith. She is able to deal pretty well with everything that's going on--she is quite close to Ayesa as well. It's not only our loss, Ayesa and I, it's her loss too, if we can't get it together--by simply, in her words, "Giving it up to the Lord"
Me personally? I'm very comfortable in my secular heathenisim :c) I have faith, but I have questions. Who doesn't, right? My choice has been to live a very moral life, in accordance with my religious upbringing, but to remain grounded in the secular world. I guess I'm kind of a tweener myself :c) While I can't deny the church's role in my upbringing, I am able to function quite well without it in my life as an adult. What I know, I know. I don't need it beaten into me once a week, when I should be drinking coffee and posting on Planet Love :c) Sunday is my day of rest. A day I cherish.
As I left for work, I was well past the point of desperation. I was exhausted and slightly grumpy, but that's not uncommon when my job is involved. I decided that it couldn't hurt to try my mother's advice. I got in the car and popped in my favorite CD. Backstreet Boys? I think NOT! Pantera; The Great Southern Trendkill, what else? Before the CD loaded, I hit "off" on my CD player. I decided to have a quick converstion with my maker. I'd just hit play when I was done. I wanted to be able to concentrate. The conversation wound up taking the entire twenty-five minute drive and ten minutes parked outside my shop. I let go of all control of my situation and asked God to guide me.
While I didn't have the cash for a ticket, I had the means. The decision was out of my hands. If what I was supposed to do was buy Ayesa a ticket, then she would be there whan I called her. If I had spent enough already, then she would be on a plane. It was simple really.
I felt pretty good about things. It seemed like a weight, real or perceived, was lifted off of my shoulders. Hey, I wasn't about to argue, I needed a little peace :c)
Work was pretty uneventful, which in itself is a pleasent change. I had a couple of phone calls come in from friends wanting to know the latest and gave the abridged version of my ride to work as an answer. "If I am supposed to by her a ticket, then she'll be there when I call..." At this point I am not going to throw this marriage away over six hundred bucks. That's pretty much what it boiled down to.
So, I'm in the office doing some paperwork and a customer walks in with a plate of Holiday cookies. I like cookies :c) She was talking to a couple of my partners, while I continued to work at my desk. She's my customer and we've known each other for many years. She was at my wedding and we were invited to hers, althought we couldn't go. She and I have had many religious discussions and she is quite devout in her faith. Unlike many hardcore Christians I have known, she knows how many view other's faith and will only talk about hers, when in the company of those who are willing to listen. I respect that and have always appreciated her tact. Her husband is a little more dedicated to converting the unbelievers, but he is a heck of a guy and a very low pressure salesman. You have to be careful not mix religion and business. Religious views are very personal and, like political views--another no-no to discuss with cleints :c)--can easily offend or make people uncomfortable. Hey I don't make the rules, I just have to play by 'em. This makes what happened next even more powerful.
Her husband came in the office and immediately walked past her and my partners and came over and leaned in close to my ear, bracing himself on the corner of my desk. I said "Hi" and made with the pleasentries, putting down my pen to sip some coffee and look in his direction. He looked a little uneasy, but obviously had something to say. Then he started.
"Someting weird happened to me tday and I think I need to share it with you", he began.
"Ok... Shoot" I was puzzled and in no way prepared for what he was about to say.
"Well... every morning I do a little Bible Study and say a prayer before I start my day." He said quietly, not to avert attention to himself from his wife or my partners. "And as I was begining to pray your face popped into my mind as clear as day! It was like you were standing there." He quietly exclaimed. "Now I don't know what's going on in your life, but I wanted you to know that I am praying for you." He said, touching my hand. "I didn't know if I should tell you or not, but as I was sitting the car waiting, I felt an overwhelming need to tell you."
"Well, Joe... I gotta be honest, I could really use some prayers right now..." I was visible shaken. "I'm having a tough time with some things and really, really, need some help"
"That's what I kept thinking. That God wanted you to know through me that he was listening and is trying to help."
I couldn't help it, I began to cry. I am honestly having a hard time fighting back the emotion as I write this account.
I quickly gathered myself and motioned for him to follow me out of the office.
We had the most uplifting conversation that I have had in maybe twenty years. Everything came pouring out of me. Guilt, fear, frustration, compassion, everything. He kept telling me to follow my heart. He kept asking what my heart was telling me.
Two things became very clear to me, while praying in desperation. That Ayesa and I came together for a reason--there were so many road blocks that we both hurdled to be together--and that there was something right in front of me that could change everything and I was either too stubborn or too blind to see it.
Joe's wife got involved in the conversation, and without telling them my conclusions, I asked what they thought. After a few questions they arrived right where I was at. That we are not given more than we can handle, so possibly the reason we are together is because what we need the other has to offer and that the stone I was refusing to look under lies on top of the Filipino Chruch I had found in my area just prior to this whole ordeal.
In my opinion, my wife needs the structure that church provides. While I am able to live a very Christian life, without the constant pressence of the church, my wife may not be. It is only to our advantage that the marriage cousellors run the Filipino Chruch I have found. Secular marriage couselling is not the answer. Whether or not I am a devout Christian, I strongly believe in the sanctity of marriage. A secular counsellor has divorce in his toolbox, a Christian councellor does not.
My goal is honestly to help my wife deal with her emotions and family issues. We can't get off square one with the baggage she is carrying. Maybe though, just maybe, while we are working on that she'll see how rare it is to find someone who is willing to put their life on hold to help someone else. I realize the gift I have been given in my wife. If all that comes out of this is her finding the happiness she seeks elsewhere, then there is nothing I can do but help get her there. That is what my conscience dictates that I do. My eyes are open and I will not tolerate deceit or the silence again, I haven't completely lost it!, but maybe in helping her find happiness, I will find peace for myself. Let's not kid ourselves, we get into the MOB thing for very selfish reasons, maybe an act of selflessness is what will set me free. Maybe that's what is needed here. I have only my conscience to blame if it all works out in the long run :c) Wouldn't that make for a good story!?
We ended the conversation with a prayer that Joe made. The three of us put our arms around each other and prayed well and hard. All Joe asked for was to help Ayesa and I find some peace of mind. I hope it's working for her too :c)
As he left he looked at me and asked, "Hey is that a uniform of some kind that you wear?"
"Uniform? No, it's just a tee shirt."
"Do you wear that shirt alot?"
"Ummm... no, actually it was the only one clean. Actually, I hate this shirt."
"Oh, I was just wondering."
"Why" I asked, a little perplexed.
"When you appeared in my prayers this morning, you were wearing a red shirt."
Keep the Faith
The Chronicles will continue
H
