Child support to the Philippines

[Howard]

... in response to Thank You Howard, posted by greg on Nov 20, 2001

n/t

[panther]

... in response to Are you crazy?, posted by Howard on Nov 19, 2001

Thanks.  I appreciate your frankness.  I have been on an emotional and mental roller coaster the past days (you  probably are familiar with that).  One of the factors I have to deal with is the wife's manipulative nature.  This is what I was offered:  "Let us go to the Philippines or I will give you a costly divorce."  "Let us go to the Philippines or I will make your life miserable" (she called the police).  "If you don't let us go to the Philippines we will go to a shelter."  She has threatened to kill herself and the baby.  She said "If something bad happens to me something bad happens to the baby."  I think of the woman who killed her babies.  If something happened to my baby I don't know if I could ever forgive myself.  This is what is wrong with this marriage: extreme mood changes.  The wife is an excellent, caring and loving mother to the baby.  Better than any mother I have ever seen.  She goes from this to mentioning killing the baby. The wife has walked out on me in the middle of the night.  One time I followed her and she went and layed down in the middle of the street.  I pulled her up and saved her life as a car was coming.  One time she took a knife and tried to stab herself. Everything is good for days and all of a sudden it goes bad. I sit down with her relatives and we discuss this and they say it is a communication problem or focus on what led to these extreme acts:  "You went and ate by yourself and then you went onto the computer"  "She says you didn't attend to the baby in church (not true) and didn't hold the door open for her" they give moral equivalency to my rudeness or selfishness to dangerous and irresponsible actions.  On top of this there is the irresponsible sister who is always around and whom I believe is a bad influence (she was mad the police didn't do anything and said to call them back).  This sister and her ex-husband sent their children, who lived in this country for years, back to the family in the Philippines. The parents both have live-in lovers here. The support money promised to the family in the Philippines is often late or missed. I know if I let the baby go back I may never see her again.  I told the wife originally I would fight to keep the baby here and would lose everything to do so (house and retirement fund).  I just don't know how to resolve this problem. Maybe things will cool off in a few days.

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to Re: Are you crazy?, posted by panther on Nov 19, 2001

n/t

[Mars]

... in response to Re: Are you crazy?, posted by panther on Nov 19, 2001

I've been there like that Dude....It was hell!!!! Luckily I won full absolute custody and now the ex is nothing but a very bad memory. My daughter and son? Straight A+ students and famous in our community for their musical and artistic ability. My heart goes out to you Man.

[Mars]

... in response to Re: Re: Are you crazy?, posted by Mars on Nov 19, 2001

Get them in your custody by any means possible and let her fight you for them. In the mean time, have your attorney obtain her mental health and hospital records. As nasty as this sounds you must discredit her reputation as a mother. It is either her feelings or your childrens future. Good Luck!

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Are you crazy?, posted by panther on Nov 19, 2001

Panther,

I am no expert, other than I was once married to a woman similar to the description of your wife. Your wife sounds as if she is in desperate need of psychiatric help. I won't try to make a diagnosis, but several conditions come to mind. Post partum depression is quite common after childbirth. Manic depressive illness is characterized by extreme mood swings. I would recommend seeking a psychiatrist. The hard part is finding her in a state where she will accept help. When my ex sought professional help, both her GP and OB/GYN drew blood, found nothing, and told her to rest. I missed my window of opportunity to get her to a psychiatrist and on medication. Fortunately, she realized that the kids were better off with me. Good Luck!

Dave H.

[panther]

... in response to She needs help!, posted by Dave H on Nov 19, 2001

Thanks for sharing Dave.  I was thinking post partum depression also.  I shared with my ex-wife and she thinks my present wife is bi-polar. My ex's husband thinks my wife is obsessive compulsive (this is frustrating to me) and said mood swings are common in this condition.  My wife told me her sister and mother also take off in the night and the mother did it recently.  I think other than this we would be better off if we were away from the sister here and some of these "friends".  The sister called before this happened and I could sense trouble brewing.  The wife has mentioned wanting to get away from the sister and friends before but then her mood changes and then they are the good ones and I am the enemy.  This happens so fast.  When we talk again I will focus on the daughter and suggest a professional counselor.  It may not work but I think this situation is not impossible to fix. However these "friends" and sister may have my wife so stirred up it may be too late.  I'll just have to see what happens when we communicate next.

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to Re: She needs help!, posted by panther on Nov 19, 2001

"It may not work but I think this situation is not impossible to fix."  It is a real strength that you have this outlook in spite of all the difficulties that you have faced.

As far as the varying diagnosis, you can go look at the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) at the local Barnes and Noble in the psychology section.  This is the book that is published by the American Psychiatric Association and is used as a reference for classification of mental illness.  If you have insurance, but your wife's condition is not specific, she may fall under a variety of different diagnosis for billing purposes.  Although it might be important for treatment, or legal action, I would encourage you to focus more on your wife's need for help, rather than determining her condition.  Find a professional that will do that as part of her treatment.

This is a difficult situation, and I hope for a good outcome for you and your family.  If that is not possible, I hope you will have the wisdom to choose the least damaging (long term) of your bad options.

[panther]

... in response to You seem to have a good attitude., posted by HappyIdiot on Nov 20, 2001

Thanks for sharing. This has been an emotional and mental roller coaster.  I orginally planned to never let the baby live in the Philippines but later I came close to giving up and almost decided to let her go. Thanks to the input from the many posters here and on MA, the baby going to live in the Philippines is no longer an option.  This difficult situation will have to be resolved in the USA, the baby's home. I agree about focusing on the wife's need for help and if we get past that stage we should have counseling so I can correct the behaviors which annoy her.  Whatever happens the baby should remain in this country.

[Howard]

... in response to Re: She needs help!, posted by panther on Nov 19, 2001

Dude...

I had no idea!  As long as you haven't done anything that your wife can hold against you, you will be alright in the end.  You have got to get you daughter away from your wife.

Post Partum this... Manic that...  Dude, no offense... your wife is a loon and she is dangerous to your daughter.  Do you want you daughter to grow up and do to a man what your wife is doing to you?

Dude... Call Social Services.  Get Restraining Order.  Do what you have to do, but tell an authority who has the power to help you.  Oh... and the next time your wife wants to nap in traffic?  As long as you're holding the baby... LET HER!

What IS it with women lately!!! Grrrrrrrr...

H

[Mars]

... in response to I'm with Bubba and Mars!, posted by Howard on Nov 19, 2001

You are the authority and the only one that can save your helpless child. No one will care more than you. You are the only one that can stand betwen your child and a thrown away life. Stand up and fight for your childs future. Take your child and save a life and "D*MN THE TORPEDOES"! MAn...I wish I could be in your shoes for five minutes....I 'd have that kid in my possession in a flash!!

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: She needs help!, posted by panther on Nov 19, 2001

Hi Panther,

Many times there is more than one condition present...bi-polar, OCD, SAD, ADHD/ADD, etc. It takes a professional to diagnose. Some medications help a variety of conditions.

My ex was much worse when she hung around her cousin, who I suspect has the same condition. The cousin drove her crazy, but somehow they couldn't stay apart. Fortunately for my ex, they spend little time together now.

I know several other bi-polar (manic-depressive) people. Three are doing very well on medication, after living very troubled lives for years. It is very frustrating. Sometimes they appear so rational (especially with doctors) and try to convince you that the problem is with you.

Dave H.

[Mars]

... in response to Re: She needs help!, posted by panther on Nov 19, 2001

I feel like a broken record....For Gods sake Man.....get out of the siituation....and take your kids with you!!!! You don't stand a chance with a bunch of tiger sharks like that. Do you want your kids to be goofy like that? For Gods sake ..escape while you can. Sheesh!

Peace

[Bob S.]

... in response to The whole lot of them are nuts!, posted by Mars on Nov 19, 2001

"Do you want your kids to be goofy like that?"

She may already be.  It sounds like an inherited condition (passed down to the females in the family).  What do you want to bet symptoms will start showing up in his daughter in a few years?  Fortunately there are a wide variety of meds today that can keep a bi-polar person in a mostly even keel.

[panther]

... in response to Too late..., posted by Bob S. on Nov 20, 2001

and serves no purpose.  The daughters grew up observing the mother's behavior and when they experienced mood changes they emaulated the mother's examples.  I think it's more nuture than nature and if my daughter is not exposed to these behaviors she will not react that way if she has a mood swing.  It may be a cultural phenomomen (like tampo) as one of the posters on another sight said his filipina wife used to walk out on him in the middle of the night when they were first married.