I received a phone call this morning...

[Howard]

... from Ayesa's cousin in Tondo, Gagalangin. (Near Manila)  According to her Ayesa is going from relative to relative asking to borrow money.  Her cousin can't understand why, because she has a enough for the airport tax and the ticket is paid for.  According to her cousin, Ayesa's aunt confided in her that "she has no intentions of returning to America" and that I "should think twice before I send her any more money".  No one can answer the question I most need answered, which is why?  Her father's life has just been prolonged because of me.  It wasn't Ayesa's money that paid the medical bills, it was mine.  And then she decides not to return to me?

I am so far beyond all emotion that I don't know what  frightens me more, how hard I will fall when it hits me or that I just might stay this way... Numb.

I will write her mother and tell her what Bernadette has just told me.  Do you think that's wise?  Should I wait?  How much longer should I wait?  I haven't talked to her in almost two weeks and the last conversation we had was that she was making the arrangements to come home.  If she's in Manila, she can get ahold of me.  Why isn't she?  I guess the answer is obvious.

Don't worry, I have the firearms locked up and my mother is removing any sharp objects from plain sight :c)  I guess I would have to feel something to move in that direction.  I say that all sarcasticly, because that's the only thing I feel right now.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.  "I told you so's" can wait until later, if you don't mind.

Maybe I should've waited to post until I had everything better orgainized in my mind, but I just needed to vent and see if anyone had any wisdom to offer.

Faith running on Empty,

H

[cc]

... in response to I received a phone call this morning..., posted by Howard on Nov 16, 2001

Wow - what can I say, I can't even imagine how you must feel now. My advice would be NOT to listen to her cousin, who heard something from Ayesa's aunt. It may be nothing but a misunderstanding, or it may be the truth. Wait, until you hear from Ayesa...

[The Mog]

... in response to I received a phone call this morning..., posted by Howard on Nov 16, 2001

For what its worth, I finally heard from my girl after hearing nothing for 6 days.
Turned out her Smart sim card in her phone went bad, even though it still had close to 500 pesos on it.
All I'm saying is that sometimes when we dont have all the pieces of the puzzle, emotions and our subconscience tend to fill in the missing pieces for us...
Often we are the ones that sabotage our own relationship.

Relax, these things have a way of working themselves out.

[Lori]

... in response to I received a phone call this morning..., posted by Howard on Nov 16, 2001

Howard, I really don't know what to say in a situation like yours. All I can come up with is that from your posts you seem to be a very loving and giving person.
After my divorce, I was a wreck. I used to have to tell myself everyday, that I only live life once, and if I do not complete this transation in my life, I would be wasting it. I do believe you recieve what you give. So, if it is not with this women, someday you will reep your rewards.
Keep your chin up, finish today, and take care
-Lori

[Mars]

... in response to I received a phone call this morning..., posted by Howard on Nov 16, 2001

Hey Howard....

No "Told you so's" coming from me. You'll do enough "I should've known's" all by yourself. But let's stay positive for a moment and think about what might have happened.....

Perhaps she is borrowing money from relatives because she wants to pay you back for the money you have spent to save her father......from what I remember, you said she behaves like that...never wanting to trouble you for anything.

Secondly...I wouldn't believe any second hand stories from anyone over there, relative or no. They just might be jealous of what Ayesa has with you and  they may be trying to sabotage her relationship with you.....if you really think one exists. I would wait to hear what she had to say. And......I would not get involved in telling anyone what "so and so" said to "so and so". The story will morph into something beyond your wildest bad dreams as it is passed from person to person, relative to relative. Abstinence from gossip or questions should include her mother. Get your answers from Ayesa....She is the one that you need to talk to. Forget the rest.

How much longer should you wait? I would wait until she called me or until a month went by...whatever comes first. If she asks for money......I would flatly refuse explaining to her that she already has a paid ticket home. Why in the world would she need more money if she is on her way home to you? When you finally are able to communicate with her, ask her if she borrowed money from any relatives. If she did, demand a reason why. If no answer is forthcoming or you feel you have been lied to then my advice would be to take massive action and see an attorney ASAP!!!!!

Now for the negative....

My friend....no one should have to go through what you are going through. But man, you are the one putting yourself through this whole thing trying to convince yourself of a reality that just plain does not exist. Your concerns for her far outweighs her concerns for you (based on what you have told us through this whole thing)

If she really, truly had feelings for you, she would be communicative....SHE ISN'T.

And don't give me that "It's a cultural thing" line of horse hockey. I spend a good deal of time in Ann Arbor, Michigan (we both live near there.....I went to school there) and I observe Asian couples and American-Asian couples there all the time.....in the malls, the grocery stores etc. I have to say that 80% of the time I have seen couples like this together,the  Asian girl is hanging on the guys arm as if he were the last man on Earth sharing smiles, glances and laughs with each other. Has Ayesa ever exhibited her love for you in this simple fashion? Be objectively honest with yourself.

And finally.....

I don't think you will fall hard if your worst suspicions materialize. Through out this whole ordeal, I think you have been preparing yourself sub-consciously for the worst. And your feeling of numbness comes from allowing yourself to be emotionally trapped by this whole thing (my opinion). If it all falls apart (It never was together like it should have been from the start -  My opinion) then Dude........try again. There are plenty of women over there that would treat you like you deserve....and they would hold your arm like you were the last guy on Earth, treat you like a god and genuinely love you. This woman (Ayesa) has problems.....BIG problems, and you have allowed her problems to become your problems. I think that when this storm has passed and you are with that special someone that thinks you are heaven sent, you will look back at the whole ordeal and regard it as silly and wonder where your head was at. Keep up your faith Howard....But keep your faith that that special some is still out there for you and you have not yet met. Life is too short to suffer like you are man. There is no reason at all to suffer like that unless you like it......And I don't think you do. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Peace Man

Mars

[Mars]

... in response to Re: I received a phone call this morning..., posted by Mars on Nov 17, 2001

Rephrase: Wait a week....not a month.

[Jeff S]

... in response to I received a phone call this morning..., posted by Howard on Nov 16, 2001

Like everyone else, Howard, I'm concerned and am pulling for the best possible outcome of this situation. If it were me, I think I'd hop on a plane and go there and sit down with her and ask her to totally square with you. If she's really not interested in continuing the marriage, I'm not sure I'd let her, or at least finance her, to come back to the US. I still don't know if you'll get the whole story but I think I'd try that approach if it were me.

I've heard it more than once or twice with young, immature women (of all nationalities) to be really let down after marriage. They'd fantisized a Prince Charming, knight in shining armor, so much that when the reality of everyday life strikes, there's a serious letdown. The same goes for some new immigrants. When they realize that the streets here really aren't paved with gold and not all Americans live the fun, glitzy lifestyle so realily offered up on TV, plus their new home is not nearly as comfortable and convenient as their old, there's yet another letdown. I have no idea if this is your situation, but it may be something to think about.

Best of luck to you.

-- Jeff S.

[Ray]

... in response to I received a phone call this morning..., posted by Howard on Nov 16, 2001

Well Howard, I don’t know what to tell you. I understand your concern but maybe things aren’t quite as bad as they seem. When you said a cousin said that an aunt said that Ayesa said…well, there’s too much room for misinterpretation. Or maybe a little crab mentality at work here?

Because you haven’t heard from your wife in 2 weeks is definitely reason for concern. I don’t have the answers either, but apparently she is just a confused and somewhat immature young lady that doesn’t quite know what she wants in life. Obviously she is not committed to this marriage in the same way that you are and she probably feels that married life is not as she had envisioned it would be. That’s not a reflection on you, but more likely a result of her immaturity. But it seems rather obvious that she doesn’t want to talk to you now or she would have called. Didn’t you say she has a cell phone with her? I would be trying to call her right now and hearing this stuff from the horse’s mouth.

Just a side note: If anyone is going to the Philippines for a month or longer, or their spouse is going over alone, it makes good sense to purchase a cell phone on arrival. They start at around US $65 and can make all the difference in the world to keeping the communications links open. Well worth the small cost and they can be given to a family member (or sold) when you leave for home.

Anyway, I think it’s reasonable for you to contact her mother and voice your concerns. How long should you wait to do this? One hour seems about right to me :-). I just hope that she is getting some good advice and guidance from someone over there in helping her work out her personal problems. But I’ve also seen the crab mentality at work too often. Hopefully she is doing some serious thinking for herself. She has surely had plenty of time to think things out in the past few months. Maybe she will realize that she doesn’t have it so bad with this Howard dude after all, even if you do have a bad case of B.O. (ROFL).

I really hope things work out for you Howard. But if they don’t, I think you can honestly say that you gave it your best shot. Keep us posted because many of us are genuinely concerned.

Ray

[panther]

... in response to Running on empty, posted by Ray on Nov 16, 2001

What exactly is this crab mentality?  I understood it to be jealousy on the part of others about someone leaving to a better life and then others trying to sabotage the relationship.

[Jeff S]

... in response to Crab mentality, posted by panther on Nov 19, 2001

The old story goes that if you have one crab, it can easily climb out of a bucket and escape. The trick to keeping crabs in a bucket is to have two or more. Then, when one tries to escape, the others pull it back in the bucket. It's really true, too, at least with crabs. I used to catch crabs for food, as well as clams, fish and abalone, back in my college days in central California back in the 70s. Hey, free food, what more could a college student want? The little money I was making could go for more important things - like beer.
Jeff S.

[Ray]

... in response to Crab mentality, posted by panther on Nov 19, 2001

n/t

[Mr Kabalaka]

... in response to Running on empty, posted by Ray on Nov 16, 2001

Dave is fedxing his Purple G string for you to eat. ;-)

[Mr Kabalaka]

... in response to I received a phone call this morning..., posted by Howard on Nov 16, 2001

The fact that you have not talked to her in two weeks says it all! I'll be thinking about you howard hang in there!  HUMABDOS

[Bubba]

... in response to I received a phone call this morning..., posted by Howard on Nov 16, 2001

Howard,  Mostly I just lurk and have made very few comments but I have kept up with your stories for a long time.  I think you should confirm your information before you take it as truthful.  No one knows why the cusin called it may not be as she said.  Check it out, write to the mother but you an overnight or 2-3 day delivery service, don't sit and wait for a month for her to get the letter.  If you get a letter to your mother-in-law and it's not true you will hear from your wife sooner that way.  If you don't hear anything you will have your answer.

[Honey]

... in response to I received a phone call this morning..., posted by Howard on Nov 16, 2001

Hey Howard.  I'm in Manila if I can help.  Send e-mail to akastle@ev1.net

Bear