Dating, sex, and marriage advice
for western men seeking Russian women
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Written by Olesya Pomazan
Translated by Paul Voytinsky aka Uncle Pasha
This little notee was written around 1999-2000, when we started to getting regular inquiries from marriage-minded men. Now, in 2003, it still seems to apply, and I'm posting it with no major revisions.
It is no secret that many come to Russia with hopes ranging from spicing up their sex lives to bringing home an "ideal wife" - someone warm, caring, feminine, and family-oriented. In our estimate one-third to one-half of independent travellers (i.e. non-package tour, non-business) to this part of the world come here with sex, love or marriage in mind. Many find it - or think that they did.
While our position on what I'll broadly call "dating" tends to be on the sceptical side, we recognize and accept that many of our guests come to Russia with that objective in mind. As a sociologist, I understand some of the reasons that make successful dating difficult for many North Americans and West Europeans. These include gender disbalance, flux and transition of social values and norms, and all-encompassing fragmentation and alienation so typical of modern societies that forces men to look at women of "traditional" cultures. At the same time one needs to be realistic about trans-cultural relations and, in particular, those between North American men and Russian women...
Despite our reservations, our duty is not to moralize but to respect the plans and interests of our guests, and to assist them with deed and advice. Thus this article.
Being consultants, we'll start with advice. Being lazy, we'll give our advice in a condensed bullet-point form. Sapienti sat. Others will have to learn from their own mistakes.
Don'ts
Despite lose morals and cheap prostitutes, Russia is not a good place for sex tourism. Unless, of course, you are looking for a way to quickly and uncreatively part with your money and pick up something embarrassing if not downright nasty.
Please pardon me for prejudice and political incorrectness. Marriage minded men should stay away from small town Russia. The gap in culture, expectations, values, and lifestyle between a professional North American, who you presumably are, and a small-town girl looking for someone to take her away from her troubles is way too wide for any meaningful communication, let alone living a life together. Concentrate on Moscow, St. Petersburg and a few other major cities, and confine your search to professional self-supporting women who speak English.
Russia is a "divorce culture". That is, there is a whole population of women who consider marriage and subsequent divorce as an instrument for "getting ahead in life". Do you really want to play the role of a rich foreigner, to bring home a woman who will dump you as soon as she gets the landed immigrant status, and then support her life on welfare with your taxes? Be responsible towards both yourself and your country.
Avoid dating agencies that offer catalogues of pretty faces. This approach automatically puts you in the position of a client picking up a piece of meat off the rack. A convenient setup, but not the one likely to lead to a healthy relationship.
Don't expect anyone to do the job for you while you just fly in and out with your trophy.
Avoid the "rich foreigner" image.
Do not rush into binding decisions.
Do not let yourself be a duped. Stories are available on request.
Do's
Spend time in Russia. Socialize. Get a job, which is quite easy if you know English and have minimal teaching skills - there are plenty of vacancies in language schools.. Let a circle of acquaintances form naturally. With some luck you will find the right woman.
Do be ready for linguistic and cultural challenges. Learn Russian well enough to understand what is happening around you.
My own observations as well as numerous sociological statistics indicate that you will probably be better off looking for a mate closer to home. If, however, you still decide to come to Russia in your search for love, romance or marital bliss, Uncle Pasha's CONSULTANTS & FACILITATORS and I personally will assist you in making the best out of your plans.
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