Notes from married life

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re:: Notes from a previous life..., posted by don1 on Apr 5, 2003

Mentioning San Bernardino always seeems to start a flood of "American Grafitti," memories for me.

- Jeff

[Dan]

... in response to Notes from married life, posted by John K on Apr 4, 2003

The part where you indicate some concern that Marina may not wish to return from her visit to Ukraine and her ongoing feelings of non-acceptance of America. It has seemed a consistent theme of your relationship since the beginning.

That must cause you some angst. I know it would me.

I hope she has a renewed perspective after spending some time back in Ukraine and will embrace the notion of life in America.

I wish you well.

- Dan

[John K]

... in response to Sounds About Normal John - But For . . ., posted by Dan on Apr 5, 2003

I think this trip to Ukraine is going to "seal the deal".  Nowadays, when we talk on the phone, we both implicitly assume she will return.  While she is starting to feel more comfortable with Ukrainian life, she seems to accept it as a vacation now, instead of a choice regarding her future life.  While I could be unpleasantly surprised, our talks seem to indicate otherwise.

We normally talk three times a week on the phone.  As we talk, our conversations are similar to the ones we have when we are together.  While we feel the separation, we also feel the continuity of our relationship, despite the distance.  Our main frustration is that we only talk for 30 minutes, so there's a lot that we don't have time to talk about.  Oftentimes we are forced to say "we'll talk more about this when you/I get home."

I think giving my wife the freedom to make her choice on her time strengthens our relationship.  Forcing her to accept America could easily make her hate it more, and cause a lot of resentment.  While there has been a lot of personal angst on both our parts, once Marina makes her decision and accepts where her home is, I believe that our relationship will be much more solid, as it will be based on mutual respect and freely given acceptance, instead of one person bowing to another's demands.

This is not a game for me.  I play for keeps.  Therefore, I want the foundation of our relationship to be absolutely solid.  While others may charge in and try to push something on their spouses, I lead my wife to choices, advise her and let her make her own decisions.  By doing so, I leave her her freedom.  At the same time, I solidify the underlying basis of our relationship.  While this approach is slow and sometimes painful, I feel that the end result justifies the means.  Both of our thought patterns are now more tuned to us as a couple, as opposed to our individual wants and needs.  

Once "couple think" completely takes over, then the issue of Marina's accepting America will likely become a moot point.  The wants of the couple will override our personal wants, and more and more, our individual decisions will be based on what is good for the couple.  I think she will come to accept America as her home, not because I forced her to, but because her own "couple think" will demand it from her.  I honestly think she will end up pushing herself into that decision, after this trip.

Of course, I could be wrong.  Only time will tell...