the vietnamese way of communication

[Lori]

First I want to say thanks to everyone for lending me a kind ear. I truely believe only you people can know where I am coming from and can sympathize with me. I tried to talk to my sister and she can not understand what's going on because she has no idea about his culture or anything.

I really think that vietnamese ponder over things for a while and try to think of how they approach things before they actually act on it. This is a good thing--but for the unpatient american , it can be somewhat frustrating. We spent the day yesterday together alone and had a very nice talk---a VERY revealing talk.  Before that all he would tell me is that there were alot of problems with his family right now.  I told him that he MUST share his problems with me. He does'nt want to BOTHER me. (Yes, I know, I think you have all heard THAT one before, huh?) This is what came out of our talk:

He is homesick, but who would not be. No, this was not an arragnged marrage, and Yes, he did choose himself to come here and spend his life with me. It was not his family who made him come.(I can't believe I actually asked him that)

The problems with his family are huge. you know he lost his father shortly after I returned from Vietnam. I think that was a HUGE hardship on the family. His mother is ill with her knee. It is swollen up all the time. His oldest sister went to the dentist years ago. They butchered her jaw. Now she is in pain all the time. She was that way when I was in vietnam. she needs another operation.

Lastly, and I just found this out yesterday. It's so hard to tell you all this.It hurts so bad because I fell in love his family as much as I fell in love with him. His younger brother has been discovered to have cancer. Thai knew this when he left Vietnam. Yesterday we called the family and the doctors said there is nothing that can be done. Only make him comfortable and let him go.

So, as you all can see, things ARE pretty bad with the family. All I can do is be here for him and give him his space for a while.
I love this man so much. I love the fact that he CAN cry about things. I love the fact that he is a very caring and sensitive man.

When we had our talk, we did come to an understanding that we must be open about things and tell eachother whatever is on our minds. Because if we talk about things then there will be no misunderstandings. Our cultures are very differant from eachothers. And we  might take something  the wrong way unless we feel comfortable enogh with eachother to question and then understand how we are thinking.

I took off time from work because I thought he would want to go around and see everything. He wants to spend alot of time at his brothers house. This really offended me at first. Because I thought maybe, he did not like my house or my company. But then I am remembering how the vietnamese live . They all live in one house and there are people all around all the time. So we have spent that past few days at his brothers house and his spirits are better. He says he is not as homesick when he is there.  I guess I realized this when I told him I had to run up to the store and pay a few bills, and I would be right back--he asked me if he could come along---he is not used to staying in a house alone, even for 15 minutes.

I think this is the most difficult task I have taken in my life. I did'nt realize how foreign Thai really was to me. Anyone who has done this knows that the work REALLY starts when they arrive. Being understanding and trying to put yourself in their shoes is very important. I look forward to  continue this journey with Thai. I know I have alot to learn from him and he has alot to learn from me. I'll have to remind myself why it was that I sought out an asian man. I did it because they were differant and I wanted differant.

HAHA, as Vicky said, there are things a woman can do to take mens minds off things-that DOES seem to be working out rather well.
Today we are going  to the mall and then to my mothers house  to meet everyone and Thai gets to discover pizza.

One thing that came out of our talk that I forgot to mention is this: I guess I must have told Thai that when he came to america we would have a very simple wedding. In his mind he thought a few people. Well in my mind a simple wedding was going to a judge and getting married. We are having a  reception with about 200 people. This frightens him. He is very scared to meet with everyone. He says his english is not good enough. So, now I am trying to put his mind at ease about that.

Well, I am off now. Thanks again everyone---you all know the right things to say--you help me alot!!

[Howard]

... in response to the vietnamese  way of communication, posted by Lori on Mar 16, 2002

Lor,

Man... my heart really goes out to Thai!  No wonder he is upset!  It's tough to do what he has done when everything is good at home, I can't imagine leaving under those circumstances.  What an emotional tug of war he must be going through!  Poor guy, I really feel for him...

One thing I did that really seemed to help Ayesa was to find and "English as a Second Language" class at a near by Adult Eduacation School.  She met alot of nice people, with the same English apprehension as her and it really helped her confidence, because she ended up having the best English in the class.  The teacher would defer to her constantly and that made her confidence in her English skills SOAR!  Being from Detroit, we have a lot of foreigners here working in the auto industry in one fashion or another, so the classes were in easy to find.  Maybe they have something like that where you are.  Just a thought :c)

The money thing was never a problem with Ayesa--at least not her asking for it... LOL--it became a problem when she began working.  Her views on money were simple.  Her money was her money and when she ran out, she had my money.  Like a wimp I kept putting off talking to her about her "our" financial responsibilities and it became a problem later.  I remember her getting REALLY pissed at me when I suggested that she pay a phone bill that she ahd run up to $600.00--that is after I had already spent over $2,500 on phone bills her first 3 months here--she got pissed, but the phone bill never saw $600.00 again :c)  Don't disregaed the phone bill like I did, BUY phone cards... they are MUCH cheaper.  The thing that killed us is that you have no control over the carrier that the family uses to call you collect.  MCI is the DEVIL!!!  When I was in the Pilippines I used 1-800-COLLECT and DID save my mother a bundle.  I BEGGED my inlaws to use AT&T, but they could never master it.

You're doing fine, keep up the good work!  No matter how difficult it feels, don't let the communication break down.  It will be worth it in the long run :c)

Keep the Faith!

H

[madmal]

... in response to the vietnamese  way of communication, posted by Lori on Mar 16, 2002

Hi Lori,
I can understand what you are going through. Though I must admit that I had it a lot easier because there were no problems back in Vietnam for Doan to dwell on.
Communication was very difficult at times when Doan first came here. (Yes things have changed a lot in 9 months)
I would say something, like joke that she was getting bossy, and end up spending the rest of the day "in the dog-house".
The real watershed conversation was about 2 months ago when Doan wanted to send some money to her mother. We had already tried sending a "test amount" to make sure it went through. It took 7 weeks to arrive in her sister's account!
So you can imagine my hesitation at doing it the same way again.
This morning in question Doan and I were at my Pharmacy, it was a very busy morning. Doan came up and said "I'm going to the bank with Jodie (one of my staff). I'm going to send money to my mother. Now, we had already discussed 2 days before that I was cool with sending them money. My concern was just that we make sure that it was going to get there.
So when she asked I guess the look on my face was "Oh,no"
I just said "make sure they get it right this time"
That set off an emotional cascade that had consequences for days.
But finally the conversation that dealt with the whole matter has changed our relationship.
So all up it took 6 months to break a certain "barrier" in Doan's mind. That barrier was to do with "mal's" "doan's", "ours".
Doan always had real trouble asking me for anything. From the very start of our relationship,she wouldn't ask me for anything directly. It caused a lot of problems at times. I would know that she needed money for this or that, but she wouldn't ask me.
Now she just grabs my wallet and takes it.

Just in the last few weeks I have begun to realise that I have been abdicating my own "happiness" to make sure Doan was "happy". Not in any major sense, but rather instead of doing what I always used to (like go for a swim after work)
I would come home and help Doan prepare dinner.
I guess we have got to the point where "siamese twins" has to start giving way to time alone.

I don't know if any of this helps you.....but as ou said, The real work starts when they get here.
We all kid ourselves a bit about the strength of our relationships. If we have spent limited time in each other's company (regardless of how long or often you have corresponded)we have a lot of learning to do once we are together.
Doan and I spent about 3 months together before she came here. But that was always 'special' time in hotels and visiting family. None of it was really 'domestic' time together in the daily grind of life.

So yeh, lots and lots to learn.

mal

[joemc]

... in response to the vietnamese  way of communication, posted by Lori on Mar 16, 2002

HI lORI,
      I can understand what your are going thur.
      I myself have walked in your shoes, just don't
      take alot of big steps.  only alot of baby steps.
      Lori, you have the right mind set and you will
      over come this.  Just keep the faith

[Humabdos]

... in response to the vietnamese  way of communication, posted by Lori on Mar 16, 2002

It sounds a lot like some of the stuff us guys went through
when we got our filipinas here. P.s You might as well have his brother move in with you then you won't have to keep going over there. *S*   Humabdos

[Jeff S]

... in response to the vietnamese  way of communication, posted by Lori on Mar 16, 2002


Many of us married folk have discussed the "adjustment period" extensively, and it really is hard to convey the experience to those who haven't gone through the whole thing. You're exactly right when you say the real work starts after your sweetie arrives. It'll happen though, and trust your own post below when you said that if time is what it takes, you've got all the time in the world.

You were wise to keep communicating and to get him to open up. Things like food and the thermostat will eventually work out on their own. Secrets you don't want to burden each other with, won't.

Best wishes to you two and to Thai's family.

-- Jeff S.