Red Flags and Love?

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Seaman's School, posted by Dave H on Mar 23, 2003

Hi Dave,

We discussed our plans and she agreed that it was a waste of money to do the last part of the course.  I had said to her why go through all that extra expense if we are getting married. I had the feeling that she wanted to make sure we were going to get married before she gave up her new job on a cruise ship.  It also gave me the message that she was independent and would marry me for love not because of dependency.  She didn't come out and say that but I read between the lines, it seemed important to her.  We met while she was 3/4 into her school and almost graduated.  After we decided to exclusively just see each other via engagement she had to make up her mind to let everything she had planned go and come with me or continue her career and let me go.  I asked where she could get 48,000 pesos for the final qualification for her job and she said her uncle who is an engineer on a ship would front her money.  He knows she is a good girl and would pay her back when she gets the job.  She also suggested that if the spousal visa would take almost a year she was willing to go to work and help pay for any expenses. She was not expecting to use the school for when she is here in the US.  I said that it was a good gesture but it was not necessary just yet.  I realize that love is blind and wanted some outside opinion on this high last phase of her tuition for her job.  I would regret not asking about it later and it will tell me things about her one way or the other.  I get the impression that if what she says is true they are taking advantage of these girls knowing there is limited jobs available so they up the fees to limit the amount of applications.  Oh well thanks for the come back.

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Seaman's School, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 23, 2003

Hi Peter,

As you mentioned, I thought that your fiancee had probably planned to attend this seaman school after graduation for a long time. Your relationship happened unexpectedly and quickly. Her life plans are still in the process of changing and she is wise to think about her future. I would do the same. If you were not serious, she would perhaps lose the opportunity to achieve this training and better her life. My wife is very self-supportive and proud also. She works even though there is no need for her to do so. I would check out the school and continue to keep your eyes open, as you are. We can only provide you with information and situations we have experienced or witnessed. Anyone who pretends to know the whole story one way or another about your fiancee is playing God!

Dave H.

[Carr]

... in response to Re: Re: Seaman's School, posted by Dave H on Mar 23, 2003

I also would like to mention that communication is the key to a better long distance relationship.  Don't base your decisions on assumptions.  Pry and ask questions.  And go with what your gut is telling you--sometimes the body has a way of telling you what to do in circumstances such as this.

[joemc]

... in response to Seaman's School, posted by Dave H on Mar 23, 2003

Hi Peter,
     First congradulations to you and your future wife.
     I am a former merchant seamen myself, that's how
     I met my wife. I was reading your post,she is right
     that you need a lifeboat ticket and firefighting
     endorsement. Also merchant seamen papers which
     can be costly. I am not sure her education will
     help her get job in the states. Because she will
     need U.S. merchant papers. Also the job market
     is tight aboard U.S. merchant. ships.

                                           joemc
                                       
   

[Bob S]

... in response to Seaman's School, posted by Dave H on Mar 23, 2003

A career on a cruise ship where you are gone for possibly weeks at a time does not sound like the kind of job a dutiful and faithful wife would want either for herself or even for her husband.  It sounds like she is making plans for a future life without you (Peter) rather than a life at your side.  To each their own, and everyone has their own comfort level, but personally I wouldn't be too thrilled if the woman I was dating wanted a job where she would spend 6 or more months out of the year on the Love Boat.

[outwest77]

... in response to That's what I'm kind of wondering..., posted by Bob S on Mar 23, 2003

[This message has been edited by outwest77]

And also, a private Seaman's school sounds a bit odd, My gf is living and working across the street from a Seamans academy in mabini, but those guys are real seamen who work on Big ships , cargo ships, I guess there are also a few who work on Cruise ships, but I cant see the need for a private school for that. I would think that a cruise ship would also have some kind of a training in house for their employeees, Whole thing is beginning to sound more and more Fishy to me,

[joemc]

... in response to Re: That's what I'm kind of wondering..., posted by outwest77 on Mar 23, 2003

Hi Out,
     For your information in the states there are alot
     of private seamen schools. For the cost of her
     training. Peter descibed ship-aboard trainning.
     For the cost of ship under-way is not cheap,
     I don't think she's getting her trainning in
     a row boat.

                                        joemc

                                                 
     
                                         
                           

[outwest77]

... in response to Re: Re: That's what I'm kind of wonderin..., posted by joemc on Mar 23, 2003

Whole thing sounds suspicious to me, even if there are private seamen training schools, if its a cruise line, they would have in house training, or on the job i would think,
seems odd that they would require private schooling

[Kreeger]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

I want to tell you, first of all, that I have paid my fiance's tuition for the last 2 years and she has just graduated. The tuition for a bachelor degree in English (for the 2 years) cost me P8,000, including books, misc fees, etc., but, then again, that is for a small college in eastern Mindanao... The ATM thing seems a little suspicious, but the P48,000 price for tuition is just not possible. I hope the best for you because your heart seems deeply committed to it.

Joe

[Dave H]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

Hi Peter,

As far as ATM's go, that is true. Your fiancee lives in the bundoks and may not have an ATM nearby. My wife has one ATM that accepts her card, that she knows of, in her hometown. It is sometimes vandalized and was the other day. She went to CDO the following day on business and had to wait to get money there. After she arrived, it took her around 10 ATM's until she found one that would dispense money. Part of the problem may have been the recent telecommunications feud between AT&T and MCI with the Philippine carriers.

Dave H.

[outwest77]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

Hi Peter.
, Outwest (mike) here.
Sounds a bit strange to me, but then its hard for me to keep up with the whole story., Have you met her in person, yet, and if so i think its a bit rushing things, talking about marriage etc, If you have not met yet.

its definitely rushing things,

Alot of the guys on this board, or who go to the phils in general get engaged in a week since they can only go there for a 2 week vacation, and its a bit of a catch 22 situation.

I have spent a total of 6 months in the phils this year and the first trip was only 3 weeks last april, and looking back at the last three trips i must say my gf was on her best behavior in April and now i see many different sides of her that i did not see before, not necessarily bad, but, people are always on their best behavior the first several months of the relationship and i must say that when the guys are coming from a different country it is easy to put on a different face while he is there.

I Have made one point very clear to my gf this whole time we have been dating, I am not supporting her, sending money etc when i am not there, and also , i am not making a commitment about the future to her in 2 wks or a month, no more than i would to a girl in the usa in that short of a period of time, I am lucky since i am able to spend more time than most guys in the phils, I have spent all my trip time with her, i have not barhopped etc , or dated around, but even then i still feel like i am not ready to make that jump.

When you start sending money to women there, to me it corrupts the process, and it makes it very difficult to tell whether the girl wants you or your  money. So i basically send nothing, If i was to marry my gf, then yes i would pay for her extended education, etc etc etc, or if i was engaged i would send money for the wedding planning etc etc, but that is WAAAAAY jumping the gun for a guy who just is starting to get to know the girl.

Anyway , it sounds like to me that this girl is not necessarily playing you, but she is acting a bit suspicous,
Then again, you are making some big mistakes and being too eager and basically offering your head up on the chopping block, Not too many women over there will stop the guy if he is acting very eager as long as he treats them well, but you are the one who has the responsibility of being cautious and not being a sugar daddy, and also taking your time and gettig to know this woman, After all, for one she is very very far away, you dont know what she does when you are gone, other than what she tells you, For another thing, you are much older than her, even more than most of us , i am 20 yrs older, but yours is even still a teenager, with much to learn about life.

All in all, i say, slow down, take your time, whats the rush, There is no harm in slowing down and stepping back and taking a look at the situation, if it is right, then it will show itself to be so,, The longer you take to get to know her, the better for both of you and your future., Look at me, i have been with my gf for a year, and im not engaged yet.
Hope this helps and did not scare you too much.

[Ray]

... in response to Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 22, 2003

I'm not sure what you are asking Peter.

If you have doubts about trusting her, then give it more time. Don't get paranoid, but DON'T get married unless you have a VERY high degree of trust in each other.

If you agreed to pay for her education, then I guess your stuck (unless you back out).

Tip on wedding expenses: in my case, only a small portion of the total wedding cost was required in advance. The gowns had to paid half in advance and half due on delivery (about 2-1/2 months). The majority of the charges weren't due until on or after the wedding, with  small portion due as a deposit a week or two before the ceremony (reception costs, car & driver rentals, photographers, etc.).

Ray

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Re: Red Flags and Love?, posted by Ray on Mar 23, 2003

Thanks Ray,

Wondered if you knew anything about the outragious tuition fee for that last 2 months of 48,000 pesos for 2 months.  It didn't sound right to me.  If I found that there is no such fee for this tuition then I would be paranoid.  How can it be varified to ease my mind?  I am in love and it is hard to question any information she has given to me.

[Esiang]

... in response to Re: Re: Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 23, 2003


I think it's way too much for only 2 months.......

You better call the Concord Institute now and let us know if it's true.

Pete I'll try to call my seaman brod if there is some kind of special schooling like this....he..he...

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Re: Red Flags and Love?, posted by Peter Lee on Mar 23, 2003

Peter,

I have no way of knowing what her actual tuition costs are and I doubt that anyone else on this forum does either. Private schools are NOT as cheap as most colleges. Is P48,000 too much? Maybe, maybe not.

Why don’t you pick up the phone and call the school to verify it? A $2 phone call may save you an ulcer or two.

Also, there is no magic formula or red flag list to check off as you go along in this process. Use your head and follow your instincts. It got you this far in life, didn’t it?

Ray