... in response to "Marriage Contract"-Out of Cur..., posted by Dan on Jun 11, 2003We were wanting to do a prenup before the marriage, but we didn't have the funds. After marriage, we were still talking about a kind of "marriage contract", basically a prenup after the fact. It ended up falling to the wayside again, due to not having enough funds to have a lawyer do it up so it would be legally binding. After a while, we just forgot about it.
I still think that a prenup/marriage contract would be a smart idea for "get married in 90 days" crowd. If done correctly, it could go a long ways towards relieving anxiety over marrying someone who is often still somewhat of a stranger, even as you walk down the aisle. Unfortunately, a prenup is too often considered a C.Y.A. tactic, instead of a step for securing your relationship.
I see the "marriage contract"/prenup as a document that gives both parties the comfort and security to enter marriage. It should be a document that respects both parties, keeps either partner from unjust penalties in the event of an incompatible marriage, and provides a safe "exit" to both parties, if the marriage is dissolved. If the partners are relieved from the worry about what will happen if the marriage doesn't work out, they can spend more time and effort concentrating on making it work instead.
This could possibly be seen as counterproductive to a marriage (too easy to call it "quits"). I would tend to disagree. If people aren't mature enough to hang in there and work out their differences, then the marriage is doomed to fail anyway.
The other part of the marriage contract that I see as important, is a list of unacceptable behaviors in your partner. While this tends to focus on the negative, it still sets a minimum standard of ethical and respectable behaviour in the relationship. This is something that needs to be talked over with your prospective mate, as you each will have different standards of what behavior you *won't* tolerate.
By putting down in writing the issues that are intolerable to each of you, you have established the "bottom end" of where your relationship can be considered successful. There are a couple of key things to remember when doing this. First, the standards you write down apply to both of you. Failure to do this will cause your relationship to have double standards, which is destructive.
Second, the standards should be issues that are governed by self will. Issues that can be affected by physiological factors (Weight gain, libido, age related issues, childbirth, possibly hygiene) should not be considered. If they are added in, then it should be written in that it is viable as long as the issue is a matter of self will and not a physiological problem. Issues that can be impacted by a change in environment (like how much time you spend together), should also not be considered.
What items could be considered? This is a small list to ponder: domestic abuse (physical, mental, emotional), infidelity, substance abuse, child abuse, accountability, immorality/unethical behavior, blatant disrespect, repeated inappropriate public behavior (you'll have to define what's "inappropriate" for that one to work), criminal behavior (felony or serious misdemeanor), dishonesty that is harmful/hurtful, unwillingness of partner to work to improve the marriage (that one's a possible powder keg, open to *wide* interpretation), extreme laziness, extreme sloth, etc.
Once you and your partner decide on what behaviors will not be tolerated in each other, you have to decide what penalties will be assigned to each violation. Penalties could be monetary in value (a bigger % of the divorce assets) or nonmonetary (reducing or eliminating child visitation rights in the case of child abuse). It will be up to the both of you to agree on what's fair for each violation and to write it down.
Doing this has a twofold effect. First, the deterrence effect of penalties will hopefully keep a partner within a minimum standard of behavior. Second, the process also provides each partner a greater understanding of what's important to the other. By seeing how certain negative issues affect your partner, you can get a glimpse of how important the opposite behavior may be to them. In effect, looking at the negative can reinforce the positive.
I think the last issue regarding a prenup/marriage contract is that it is easily read and understood. Avoid legalese, and use your names instead of "party of the first/second part". Remember, this is *your* contract, not the lawyer's. If financial asset disbursement is discussed, try to keep as much of it in plain English as you can. Explain how vestment works, as opposed to writing down a formula. State up front what assets are set aside for other people and are not available for a divorce settlement. Be simple, be clear, and make sure that it cannot be misinterpreted. Again, make your lawyer work for you on this one.
As you can begin to guess, a good marriage contract isn't likely going to happen after a few hours of talking. It will take you both quite a while to write out your issues, negotiate and accept each other's conditions, and ultimately commit to something that should shape your relationship for the better.
Interestingly enough, the framework of this document is what most successful marriages do, whether they have the paper or not. The marriage contract is simply an accelerated and more legally accountable way of making it happen. If you're in the "90 day crunch", the marriage contract can be indispensible for alleviating anxiety, and allowing the two of you to better plan for your future.
I hope this answered your question. My head's starting to hurt... :-)
