What should I do?

[Dan]

... in response to What should I do?, posted by Johnny W on Dec 21, 2001

Hi Johnny,

I honestly don't know that answer to your question - and it is probably not something that anyone can answer definitively from afar. However, I'll offer a couple of thoughts - for whatever they may be worth to you.

My guess is the tension is probably more the responsibility of your daughter than your new wife. I say this principally because of your characterization of here as being questioning and occasionally a bit argumentative. I also imagine that she has been through a pretty difficult recovery following her mother's death. All in all, a pretty difficult situation.

You certainly have a role to play - in that you need to make it clear to your daughter that you are firmly and permanently committed to your new wife. My guess is you have already done this - perhaps many times - and it probably ameliorates things for a brief time, but it returns to tension thereafter. Just continue to reinforce your love and commitment for your wife. Tell it to your daughter even in the presence of your wife - picking a time when tensions are not running so high. Let both of them know that you are committed to a relationship with BOTH of them.

I can imagine that it will make little tangible difference in your daughter's behavior - except for a possible temporary truce - and a great deal of that is just the age. She will continue to be problematic in this area until she is more than 18 - at least, that is my experience.

You also need to discuss the situation and it's handling with Elena - so that she fully understands your support for her and that you both will likely have a bit of a problem on your hands for another few years (at best). Elena must also understand your deep commitment and love for your daughter and your resolve to maintain a relationship with her - even during the tense times ahead.

It is a difficult situation - one that will require a delicate balance for you - between your daughter and your wife - while demonstrating commitment and love for both.

I don't envy your situation.

- Dan

[Johnny W]

... in response to Daughters and New Women in Your Life . ...., posted by Dan on Dec 21, 2001

Hi Dan,

You are right. Sometimes we need to accept a situation that is not perfect. To wait till my daughter is 18 is a long time. However, I was a little depressed yesterday night, and didn't feel good. My life with Elena and my daughter is mainly a good life even if I sometimes want more.

Thank you for your response.

How is it going with you and your Olga?

Johnny W

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to What should I do?, posted by Johnny W on Dec 21, 2001

Johnny,

Have a long private talk with your Elena about what how you two should approach your daughter's upbringing.  Find out what common ground you two have.  Build from there.  You have to be a team.  Your daughter will never like Elena like her mother.  Your daughter should at least learn to respect your wife.  You should work on gently approaching your daughter about treating Elena how she would like to be treated.  Try to have your daughter imagine being in your wife's shoes of being new to the family and how she would help raise someone in your daughter's situation, who lost a mother do to tragedy.  Johnny, do not give up.  You can work through this.  Your daughter will improve as she matures, as will Elena get used to your daughter.  Respect between the two is the key thing you should foster.

Good luck.

[Johnny W]

... in response to Re: What should I do?, posted by Bobby Orr on Dec 21, 2001

Hi Bobby,

Thanks for a very good advice. As you can see we had that talk today.

Thank you

Johnny W

[tim360z]

... in response to What should I do?, posted by Johnny W on Dec 21, 2001

You are really placing a very difficult burden on your wife,  Elena.  I know kids who are independent,  and if they are not receptive....forget it!  No,  if's and's and but's about it.  Kids make up their minds for their own,  sometimes selfish reasons and you should wake up to that fact,  right quick.  Now,  if for whatever reason your kid thinks Elena is "cool"...then she may open up to her.  But,  if the kid doesn't want to...forget it,  you will only make things worse.  As a nice Ukrainian friend once told me..." there are 2 hostess'es in my house."  Which one will prevail?  Elena can bend over backwards,   but if for whatever reason,  the kid doesn't really like Elena,  or resents Elena----there is nothing Elena can do...except beg the kid.  And that won't work at all.  So,  Elena is in a tough spot and may not have the skills to deal with your child.  Maybe counseling?