My Wife's Father Passes--Tribute of Sorts

[Red Clay]

Howdy All,

This post might be long.

My wife's father passed away about a week ago after an extended illness, stroke, heart attack, etc. I felt compelled to write a little about him. He had some faults, but also did some good things for his family that will help them long after he is gone.

Mi suegro was born in the jungle of Peru around 1940. He was adopted as a young child, never knew his natural parents. He joined the Peruvian Army as a teenager and made that his career for all his working years. Tough life at times I am sure. My wife says his feet were a little deformed from too many years without shoes when he was younger. He never let his kids go barefoot.

According to my wife, he was the typical macho man. He frequently drank too much, and had many girlfriends outside his marriage. He mistreated his wife in various ways, physically and otherwise. Mis suegros separated after my wife and her brothers were grown, but he continued to live in the same building with them but on a different floor. After the separation the family had only occasional contact with him, although each time that my wife and I would visit, he would join us all for dinner or something once during our trip. We would also bump into him on the street coming and going from their house.

The Peruvian Army offers some benefits similar to some of our veteran's benefits here. I suppose the biggest benefit would be a steady job in a country where that can be scarce. There are others as well, including retirement pension and some health care benefits, as well as housing assistance.

He carried the military discipline home to the family. My wife tells about doing her homework after school. She and her brothers were made to do homework first thing after arriving home. They would all three sit at a table and work. Upon completion, they would hand their work to their father and he would check it. If he found mistakes, he would make them hold out their hand for a slap with a stick for each error. Then he would say, "you have two errors on this page. You find them yourself and correct them." This went on until they were finished with no errors. Upon completion, they were allowed to play or watch TV, but only after the homework. My wife also remembers him giving a group talk to her and her brothers about sex. The kids were made to sit at a table together. Sr. Rivera explained the "how to's" of intercourse to them as a teacher would address a class, complete with his own graphic drawings, lol. The same instructional method was used to explain how to wipe your butt after a bowel movement, complete with proper paper-holding technique. I kid you not. He never let his kids play in the street. He thought it was bad parenting, although most of the neighborhood kids did it.

He somehow managed to save enough money to send his three kids to college. He said it was the most important gift he would ever give them. He told them that he could only do it once, if they didn't take advantage of that opportunity there would not be another one. My wife completed her college, learning english in the process. Neither brother finished, although one of her brothers is also in the Army now and is making it his career. The other brother is a little less responsible, has trouble finding/keeping a job among other things. When my wife told him she was moving to the USA, he told her, "I knew you were too smart to let this lousy country keep you down." He told her that he was disappointed when she was born a girl because at the time he wanted a boy. But shortly before his death, he apologized for that and told her he was most proud of her for her career accomplishments here in the US as a legal assistant in a small law practice. He told her she turned out to be his "best" child.

He bought a house many years ago in Lima in a middle class neighborhood (by their standards) It is the house where my wife was raised and where the family still lives. It had only one floor, but over some years he was able to save the money to add two additonal floors. The upper floors contain about 10 rental rooms. They usually all stay rented, providing crucial extra income for the family. While he was alive, he didn't share that income with the others but his foresight in adding those rental units now will provide them with alot of income they have never had before. It is a tremendous blessing in a country so poor. His Army pension will continue to be paid to my wife's mother, another huge blessing for them. Most of his illness and death expenses were also paid by the Army. My wife says the Army personnel in general were very kind and helpful throughout their difficult time. The Army hospital he was in was huge, largest hospital I have ever seen. It was older and not as plush as our hospitals, a little dark and depressing but clean and functional.

My wife once warned me that he could be a smart ass at times and might say something smart to me sometime, especially if he was drunk. That never happened. He was always kind to me and we even had a few private conversations, brief but a little time to bond nevertheless. He taught me to pour a little Inca Kola in my beer, not half bad! (some of you will cringe at that idea, lol) I'm not sure he ever knew how his daughter met me, not sure what he would have thought of that method. (internet)

I remember the first time my wife took me to her house to meet her family. I didn't meet him that night, but from the street I glanced up and could see him at his second floor window looking down at us as we left. I remember thinking that he would probably be the most difficult member of the family to impress and I hoped that he would accept me. He did so, making me feel welcome and comfortable whenever I was around him.

There are lot of crazy stories about him that I don't have time to tell. I am so thankful that I was able to know him for a short time. My parents were long gone when I met my wife and I would give anything if they could have met my wife, and vice-versa. In spite of his drinking, womanizing ways he taught and provided for his family in ways that impress me.

Rest in peace, Sr. Rivera. Thank you for accepting me. I will miss you.

[Pete E]

... in response to My Wife's Father Passes--Tribute of Sort..., posted by Red Clay on Apr 2, 2005

He sounds not too unlike some older generation fathers that immigrated to the US,like my grandfather.Without the womanizing,which just isn't as prevelent or available here.
Tough is OK aslong as the childs self esteem is not damaged.Your wife was probably far more fortunate than alot of other ladies from Brazil.
And even these tough old guys will treat you with respect if they think you are sincere,as the case with you.

Pete

[valleydude]

... in response to My Wife's Father Passes--Tribute of Sort..., posted by Red Clay on Apr 2, 2005

I feel for everyone's good and bad moments, but I began refraining from posting "Sorry to hear that" or "Congratulations" posts when that is all I can say. It's never anything personal when I don't post to these situations, but this time I wanted to take a moment to say, That's excellent how you can see through the bad to respect the good. I have sometimes found that it can be rare and I appreciated seeing it.

Nice story, insight, and moral here.

V-Dude

[Red Clay]

... in response to Re: My Wife's Father Passes--Tribute of ..., posted by valleydude on Apr 3, 2005

Thanks V-dude, and everyone.

[david hagar]

... in response to My Wife's Father Passes--Tribute of Sort..., posted by Red Clay on Apr 2, 2005

we will give your wifes family a prayer for the death of her father in church tomorrow

beattledog

[doombug]

... in response to My Wife's Father Passes--Tribute of Sort..., posted by Red Clay on Apr 2, 2005

Great and interesting recount of the man's life.

It's clear that you've helped him realize a little pride in his blood before he passed, no matter how indirect the influence might appear to some.  He got to see the full blossom of his daughter's potential--something she might never have been able to demonstrate had you both not encountered each other.

[OkieMan]

... in response to My Wife's Father Passes--Tribute of Sort..., posted by Red Clay on Apr 2, 2005

Red Clay,

That was a touching tribute to your late father-in-law.  I hope that your wife is doing well.  How does she like Tennessee?  Does she pick up on some of the southern talking and hospitality? I have been to Tennessee many times. It is truly a very beautiful state. Best of luck to you and yours.

                            OkieMan

[Red Clay]

... in response to Re: My Wife's Father Passes--Tribute of ..., posted by OkieMan on Apr 2, 2005

[This message has been edited by Red Clay]

  Thanks for the kind words. My wife loves Tennessee, can't believe how green it is since she is from the coast of Peru, which is desert. I don't hear any southern accent yet, her own Latin accent is still so strong I doubt that she ever develops one. She likes almost all foods, so yes, she likes our typical dishes.

  She frequently is told by strangers how pretty she is, so she likes that too.

[OkieMan]

... in response to Re: Re: My Wife's Father Passes--Tribute..., posted by Red Clay on Apr 3, 2005


Red Clay,

Thanks for answering me.  As far as the southern accent part; I guess what I was really trying to find out is something that probably won't happen.  That is, can she tell how you sound, or has she been exposed to other americans outside of Tennessee?  For instance, maybe by listening to people on TV, she could tell that people in California don't say hi ya'll! ha  Of course, when I say that, I also recognize that I could not grasp the regional differences in the many latin american countries; but I am sure to them, it is just as apparant.  Many years ago, I was in the Air Force, and stationed in England for two years.  It was a very enjoyable and interesting experience.  Now, even though we all supposedly speak english; I assure you, we have many differences; not only in accents, but phrases and so forth.  I made a lot of friends and got much better acquainted with those differences, then say a tourist could -- someone just passing through.   But, since both countries do speak english, it is much different then trying to learn a foreign language, and then learning the regional differences or dialects of that.  I do not speak spanish, as of yet. I hope to learn over time.  Take care.

                        OkieMan

[Red Clay]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: My Wife's Father Passes--Tri..., posted by OkieMan on Apr 3, 2005

Yes, she is starting to hear the differences in OUR regional accents within the US.

I have quite a few distant relatives on my father's side in Enid, Hennessey, that area of OK. My father was born in a little town called Waukomis, south of Enid.

[OkieMan]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: My Wife's Father Passes-..., posted by Red Clay on Apr 3, 2005

Red Clay,

So, does that mean that you are a transplanted Okie?   The Enid area is well north and west of where I live.  I live in the Tulsa area.  But, you did answer the thing about her picking up on the different way that americans talk. That must be somewhat fascinating to her.  Of course, if you are like me, hearing the ladies talk spanish, or speak english with their spanish accent, just really turns me on!  It is so beautiful and sexy!  I am not sure why it is common for humans to be attracted to new and different things.  I know that when I was living in England, all those years ago; I dated a few English girls.  Just hearing their accents got my motor going, if you know what I mean! ha  It didn't hurt that many of them were really gorgeous too.  But, at any rate, I am glad that all is going well with you and your wife.  God Bless.

                        OkieMan

[valleydude]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Wife's Father Pas..., posted by OkieMan on Apr 3, 2005

In regard to the language and accents, I had a girl that was taught English by a Texan. She did not understand me when we talked so I decided to throw in a thick southern accent. It was totally funny, because once I did, she understood me perfectly.

Just a humorous note,

V-Dude