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Ive been struggling with whether to break off a relationship Im in with a Cartagena girl. She is 24, looks half black half latina, very nice.  Indepenpendant (thought this is good as my last woman was extrememly family attached) is this good or bad: depends. I'm not gonna make another major mistake with a long distance relationship.  Heres the situation.  We meet on Amigos.com in November 2002 after my first wife left.  I went to see her in April.  We hit it off well. I phoned her and e mailed her often.  We meet again in the Dominican Republic all expense paid trip on me.  She worked for the Dominican Consulate and had no problem with her passport.  2 months later she lost her job as the DR closed several consulates in Colombia.  I paid her rent and all her bills that month $600.00 total.  She helps her family every month with food and a little cash, I covered this.  I paid for 5 months of English classes, but she had to drop when she took her new job.
During our conversations prior to her losing her job she wanted to purchase a business for her mom.  It is nothing more than a lottery game table on a side walk that dipenses tickets.  She said she would have to do this before she would leave. When I said Id help she said no.  She has not mentioned this as being a prerequiste for a few months.
She did find another job in a factory/warehouse working 6 days a week 10 hours a day, even a few hours every Sunday. Less pay more hours.  She needed boots and I told her to purchase them there $100 my credit card which I cancelled last week.  Last week she said she needed food for her and her family and some clothes as well as replacement glasses. I told her no I didnt have it, except money for food.  She declined.  I told her I would get her clothes here, she declined and never withdrew money for food as she has a debit card which I control trasferring money to the saving account which is the only one she has access to.  She seemed a little disapointed, so be it, Im kind of disapointed in her as well.
On our trip/my visit(s) her affection was extremely limited although intimacy was never a problem. When I ask her pointed questions she says Im "intenso."  When I take about the importance of communication she says Im intenso. Questions like are you still commited to coming and makin this relationship work, she says Im intenso.  I tell her I love her she says I do not love you but hope to fall in love over time.  I appreciate her honest. I know some girls show lots of affection and say they love you, but this is no guarntee that a relationship will work.  
Ive gotta have more assurance than what Im getting.  Its hard to dicipher what she is thinking by what she is saying.
Im curios what others think, thats why I posted.  Her visa should be approved this week.  

Ken

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

I know quite a few girls in Cartagena that earn their living off the generosity of gringos. They are very good at it and know how to make any man feel really special. I really feel sorry for the poor lonely slobs that venture into their trap. Here is the connection with your girl, they justify what they are doing because they are not telling the men they are in love with them (enamorada). They don't see their actions as something wrong, just a way to make a living. They may stretch the truth but never would they tell an outright lie. I told the girl I met that she would get what was coming to her and someone would toy with her feelings and emotions as she and her girls were toying with others, that is if she lived after messing with the wrong person. She insisted that she wasn't causing any damage to others! I saw many letters of men confessing their love, but in their small minds .. no one was getting hurt. Bottom line, my suggestion is to make like a shepherd and get the flock outta there! I believe your girl is of the same genre as the other girls in Cartagena that I met. Guys be careful out there and don't let the one-eyed wonder between your legs become your primary decision maker.
JSlo

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

Throw a pie at her.

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

What's the dilemma?
She told you she doesn't love you.
What don't you understand?

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

In general any driven, intelligent, multilayered man will be considered intenso by many Colombian women. My wife called me this many times in the beginning of our relationship, however she rarely does so now. However, it wasn’t due to communications or questions I would ask. It was primarily because when I wanted something done I wanted it done now. The red flag is her lack of affection and love; most of these women will overwhelm you with affection and love. Hoping she falls in love with you is likely to be a big mistake. I don’t know how long you have know her or been with her but most of these girls fall in love very quickly. You do not have a dilemma but signs pointing you to the right decision. Go with your gut feeling and don’t compromise what is important to you, you don’t have to.

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

In the words of King Arthur: "Run AWAY!!!!!"

... in response to See earlier post about blinded by sex!, posted by surfscum on Dec 28, 2003

Or Gandof (Lord of the Rings) RUN YOU FOOLS!

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

I've been in your situation before. Jumping through hoops for some hot girl in the hopes she sees what a gem I am and falls in love with me.  They string you along with affection and you think you are sooooo close to getting her love.But it never happens.
   Take it from me. Leave now!! There are plenty of women who will show you true love,and you will look back on this and wonder why the hell you put up with all BS in the first place. Good luck,and really pay attention to the good advice these guys are giving.
                  Mark

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

[This message has been edited by wizard]

Proxima!!!

PS: I know this is more that one word, but my wife thinks you're getting used too!!!

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

She's using YOU. She said.."Maybe love YOU later"? My foot. Get yourself a Woman that can love you NOW.

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

Ken

You wrote: "I tell her I love her she says I do not love you but hope to fall in love over time."

Why are you asking for advice?  This is the Pete E. scenario all over again.  At least she's being honest with you.

If you really need advice: Why settle for someone who hopes to fall in love over time when there are so many cute Latinas that will fall in love with you from the get-go?

Steve

... in response to Dry Hole, posted by DallasSteve2 on Dec 28, 2003

Dont get me wrong,  she enjoys my company and says I want you (te quero).  I woman saying I love you is no assurance.  But I think a relationship normally starts with strong feelings and then adjusts.  In my case it is the otherway.  I dont think its worth taking a chance on her.

... in response to Re: Dry Hole, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

Not meaning to make light of your situation but
FACT: The 4 most common lies from women in a realationship during the first year.
1) I love you
2) I have never done THAT
3) Of course its yours
4) There is no one else

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

Cultural things I may be forgeting aside here.

Women LOVE to talk about relationships and commitments with the people they are in them with and with anyone else who will talk about it with them. She ought to be "bragging"/"sharing" to somebody that a guy who cant be with her is "supporting" her and her family. Not that she got you to, that you care enough to. Whether she loves you or not your actions are a big deal.

I am envisioning a Red Flag with a Burning Pirate logo and Screams in the background. Sorry, but my general adice is to sever and flee. Unless there are some real unusual situations that you are neglecting to tell us that might explain the actions.

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

Move on, IMO.

... in response to My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

"On our trip/my visit(s) her affection was extremely limited although intimacy was never a problem. When I ask her pointed questions she says Im "intenso." When I take about the importance of communication she says Im intenso. Questions like are you still commited to coming and making this relationship work, she says Im intenso.

 I tell her I love her she says I do not love you but hope to fall in love over time. I appreciate her honest. I know some girls show lots of affection and say they love you, but this is no guarntee that a relationship will work."

 True, but sounds like you have another Pete E story in the making. Her showing you lots of affection may not guarantee that the relationship will work, but her not wanting to show you any pretty much guarantees that it won't. And since demonstrated love and affection is one of the best things about being in a relationship with a Latina, why would you settle for less?

  Here's my layman-diagnosing-a-stranger's-problem-for-free-over-the-internet take on things: she's getting some good things out of this relationship, but she doesn't perceive you personally as being one of them. Thus the evasiveness and saying you're "intense" whenever you bring up these uncomfortable (to her) subjects.

... in response to Re: My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Bueller on Dec 28, 2003

Clarification: I wrote this in order to get an outside perspective & it makes for some interesting reading material.  A buddy here in Denver has spoken to her on the phone on several occassion and dislikes her.  Funny you didn't mention asking for money is a red flag, just lack of affection.

... in response to Re: Re: My  Cartagena Dilemma, posted by Ken2 on Dec 28, 2003

Run,do not walk,very very fast.The woman has to feel like she hit the "lottery" or it will not work.You should feel the same way.