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1 - She doesn't like me to look at other women.  (This is by far her biggest complaint)

2 - She thinks I don't consult her enough on decisions.

3 - She thinks I don't show her enough affection.  She wants me to say things like "Mamacita linda te extrano, te quiero, te amo...".  She reads a lot of romance poetry on the Internet and she would like me to talk to her like those poems (most of which are written by women).

4 - She wants me to give her more surprises (like flowers).  Other guys are always giving her gifts.  No lie.  But they aren't paying for her apartment, her food, her new car, her car insurance, her cellphone, her mother, her clothes, her children's clothes, her children's toys etc. etc.

5 - She thinks I should give her more money (it's never enough, guys).

6 - She's upset that residency is taking so long (part of that was my fault in delaying submitting the forms).

7 - (I hesitate to mention this one) She wants me to make love to her more often.  I know most of you are thinking "I wish I had that problem", but again, with her it's never enough.  And I have to work, too.  She wants me to come home at lunch which I do once in a while.

I can probably think of more later, if anybody cares.

A lot of her frustations are the result of two problems:

1 - She'd rather be in Cali.

2 - She's not working.

Once she get's her green card and get's a job I think things will "normalize" a great deal.  I'm working on number 2.  Which reminds me of the scene in Austin Powers when Mike Myers says "Who does Number 2 work for?" and Tom Arnold says "thats it buddy show that t*rd who's boss"

Steve

This thread wasn't intended to be about my wife getting gifts from other men, but that seems to be the biggest controversy, so I'll try to clarify why I've tolerated the situation.

1 - The biggest reason is because I think my wife is crazy about me.  I think the reason she doesn't throw the gifts in the trash is mainly because she wants to make me jealous.  She has in fact commented about that to me several times.  But she's always doting on me and being jealous over me, and telling me there are no other men as handsome as me (I don't believe that, but sometimes I think she really believes it).

2 - I don't like the guys who give her gifts because I think it shows a lack of character and disrespect for me and for marriage to be chasing after a married woman.  So I think that if she can get some value out of their gifts and they get nothing but a thinner wallet, some measure of justice has been delivered and I can laugh at those fools.

3 - As far as showing more jealousy, there are two men back in Cali who keep begging her to come back (after 16 months they still pine for her).  They are the jealous types and they showed her more affection than me.  But she wants me.  I sometimes think that if I played "easy to get" and took away the challenge she'd get bored and wouldn't want me anymore.  Plus they're fat and she says they were lousy in bed.

Maybe it's a bad idea for me to tolerate the gifts.  Maybe someday it will lead to something more.  I think one other reason I tolerate them is that if she wants to be with another man I don't want her to be with me.  That simple.  I want her to be here because she wants to be with me and I try to show her love and respect.

Steve

I'm glad you can rationalise it Steve. I couldn't in your situation although I'm slightly paranoic. I really, really hope that there is nothing un-toward in your situation - but I suspect you have some nagging doubts and are maybe sounding out the board. I think the jury has returned a resounding "take care! - watch your back!" vote.

Some women who come here have never received the level of attention, flirting, propositions & comeons that they will receive here, especially the attractive ladies.  Many of the women do change - and the change is usually not for the better.  Working won't make it better - it may make it worse

I wish you the best of luck, but watch your back and don't get blindsided.

It's pretty rare for guys to go chasing after married women with kids, so I always thought anyway - but in your case since your wife already has kids - that blows the theory. She must be irresistible - or she must be doing something to encourage the attention.  I do wonder how the gifts arrive at your doorstep - hopefully not in person!  This is a perplexing scenario that would have Dr. Phil roaring.

I would figure out a way to cause a rift between your wife and her mexican galfriend - she sounds like a devil.  That should be easy to do - a little gossip started can create life lasting grudges between the gals.

Steve

     Mark

All good points.  

I don't think she's been taking phone numbers from men lately, but still taking gifts could send the wrong message.  And I agree with you, I think she's doing it because she wants me to react with jealousy.  Another reason I haven't reacted with jealousy is that I think if I do it will just reinforce her behavior.

Most of the men don't speak Spanish and she doesn't speak English.  However, she's a friendly, happy person and she probably smiles at them while she's trying to tell them she doesn't understand or she's married.  Then again her English teacher asked her to leave me and she understood that.

What's unfair is she gets angry if I smile at another woman.  She says it's fair because she loves me and the other men "no llegan a mis tobillos".  I rejected a lunch date request last week from my contacts at the agency I work for because my contact is a cute young woman.  It was strictly business, but even so she doesn't want me to lunch with another woman.

I would like to know how much this happens to other men.  It's rare that she meets a man who doesn't try to hit on her.

Steve

I was unaware that your wife doesn't speak English.  Does she wear a wedding ring?  These would be suitors have no class and would be better defined as common dogs.  

I would not worry about reinforcing her jealous behavior by telling her that accepting gifts and/or telephone numbers from men won't be tolerated anymore.  That along with showing her that you do love her would I think, earn respect from her even though she is guilty of disrespecting you.  Not intended as a slam, but doesn't a Latina want a manly man who is also loving?

I would also find another English teacher and if this teacher is associated with a school of some sort, contact the person in charge and lodge a formal complaint for her giving advice of this nature and being unprofessional.

Regards,

Pablo

My wife is followed around by groups of teen boys, single men, and lesbians when we go out to the malls in the US.  She gets hit on all the time, but she has never to my knowledge accepted gifts, numbers or anything else from other men.  She's more jealous than I, but she doesn't torment my life with it.  She mentions that something made her feel jealous from time to time, but that's the extent about it.

Personally, I don't give a damn about how other men act or what they try to do.  What I do care about is what my wife does in relation to those actions.  I made a promise to my wife and she to me, her behavior as well as mine is the only thing that concerns me.  
Good luck and all the best -TNC

Thanks for the support.  My arms would get pretty tired if I went around punching out everybody that hits on my wife.  Besides, eventually I'd either meet someone tougher or crazy enough to shoot me in the back.  

There's always somebody new chasing after her.  In my block of maybe 12 apartments there are at least 3 guys hitting on her.  The guy across the hall is trying to learn Spanish so he can talk to her.

I don't understand why guys want to hit on married women.  I was single for about 12 of my adult years and I never sent gifts to a married woman.  Never asked one to go out with me.  Never tried to put my hands on a married woman.

I'm no saint, but I just think it's a bad situation.  If her husband doesn't go crazy and kill me I still would never trust her.  A woman is scum if she will betray her husband so I wouldn't want her.

Steve

Steve

A better solution is you spend time in her home.  I did that.  The ex-boyfriend of my wife claimed she was his wife.  Well I spent about 20 hours in her house over about 5 or 10 different days with her and never saw a trace of a man.  And she was going out with me almost every day and she spent several nights with me.  That would tend to upset her husband, if she had one.

Steve

This thread is utterly surreal to me (the gift getting stuff)...clearly with this level of response its surreal to others besides me too.

For a 37yo bachelor who who lives on a tropical island I am amazed at how old-fashioned I must be, but you floor me when you put this:

...I'm no saint, but I just think it's a bad situation. If her husband doesn't go crazy and kill me I still would never trust her. A woman is scum if she will betray her husband so I wouldn't want her...

Again, not really trying to start trouble...but IMHO you already have betrayal on your hands.  How in the heck does a guy get panties delivered to your wife otherwise?  Maybe I should ask your wife for your address also, so I no where to send the friging smelling salts???!!!

The amazing thing is everytime this thread expands a bit, you add something more...now the english teacher is trying to teach her something besides english...what gives?

Believe it or not, like the other posters, I write this with good intentions, but you are giving me the impression there is something amiss with your responses to all this stuff so far.

I am stuck with which question to ask first...which is worse, that guys are bringing panties to your door in person or that she is giving out your address and somewhere along the lines they are getting the impression that sending panties and perfume are ok?

I had better stop...

Ciao

 I managed to get lucky and met a woman from Barranquilla That I want
to met here in the future. I am just afraid that I will run into problems
again. Well I am not going to let fear stop me... again good luck

I realize this might be considered unsolicited advice but here are mis dos centavos FWIW:
 
(Addressing your 7 points in your post)

1.  Don't look at other women or at least don't let her know you are looking at other women.

You mentioned before that this has been a topic of discussion with your wife.  I can't imagine any wife appreciating her man checking out other ladies.  If she is insecure in the relationship or in herself this will only compound the problem.  

2. Many times women are more intuitive than men.

Discussing situations with your wife may help you see a different perspective than what you might normally consider.  At the very least she will appreciate you asking for her input.  I believe that a man should be the leader in the home and a wise husband will carefully consider his wife's input.  If there is a disagreement on a decision the husband needs to make the call.  He has the responsibility of making the right decision and involving his wife should help in the process.  It takes the wind out of any nagging or "I told you so" sail if you do talk it over first.

3.  Women need to be DAILY reassured both verbally and non-verbally (non-sexual) that their man loves them.

Women not only think differently than men but also need to be reassured that they are loved, respected and appreciated.  If you show acts of affection on a daily basis the dividends will be paid back to you a hundred fold. It's easier than you think once you get in the habit of demonstrating your love in tangible ways to your wife. *

4. See # 3 above, BUT...

I would have to agree with other posters that gifts given to her from other guys are totally inappropriate.  Have you considered though why she might be accepting these gifts from them?  It might be that she is trying to make you jealous.  It's neither excuse nor am I defending her flirtatious behavior but I think she would react differently if she felt that there was more romance in the relationship.  Either that or she has deeper issues.  

5.  Have you ever considered doing a budget with her or giving her an "allowance" if you haven't already?

6.  Even with a delay on your part in submitting paperwork to immigration this whole process will take a long time.  Hopefully, she understands this and is not trying to blame you for the slow wheels of government.

7.  A nice "problem" to have. ;-)  Isn't once a day or every other day, plus an occasional luncheon frequent enough for her?  That would prove to be an interesting and probably long thread.

* A fellow board member recently told me about a guy named Michael Webb and his web site, www.theromantic.com  He has a lot of practical and helpful information there that might be worth checking out.  I can email you some of their information if you're interested.  Drop me an email if you are.

Suerte,

Pablo

That's all very good advice and I will try to apply it in our lives.

Thanks

Steve

All BCIS paperwork is way behind.

My wife's temporary residency expired on January 9, 2003.
They sent a 1 year extention on November 12, 2002. That will expire on January 9, 2004.

I've called BCIS 4 times since September and 2 different people said they would send paperwork to start an inquiry.
Yesterday a lady said "They are currently working on applications from January 2003". I explained (again) that the Notice of Action is dated November 2002. She said she would start an inquiry for us.

In the meantime my wife will have to go through the zoo at the local BCIS office to get her passport stamped with another extension.

I have to agree about marrying a woman that has never worked or had to do housework. Thank goodness my mother-in-law made sure all 4 girls did their share around the house. All four also graduated from college, mostly on funds they earned themselves.

As for what others said about girls from Cali being lazy, all I can say is my wife is busting her butt as a Dept. Mgr at Wal-Mart. She's been going in at 4AM the past two weeks in preparation for Christmas. She has been there 23 months and went from a Sales Associate to Sales Coordinator in jewelry to Dept. Mgr in Men's and has almost doubled her hourly rate.

There are opportunities out there, they just have to be willing to work for them.

Don't lump all women from any culture or country or city at being the same. Open your eyes when searching for a mate. There has to be more than just beauty and hot sex to make a marriage.

Plus she gives money to her family in Cali.

Feel free to pass this on to any woman who isn't pulling their wait.

Yes, she can lose her cool but fortunately it doesn't last.
Her main concern is that I have a girlfriend. Yeah, like any woman in the USA would want me, or vice versa.

Oh, did I mention she is 31, very good looking and also complains she doesn't 'get it' enough?

Accepting romantic gifts like perfume and jewelry from another man is incredibly disrespectful to you and your marriage.  I think in the long run you're headed for trouble with wife number two.

My wife and i are seperated and a lot of the things you listed, my wife had the same problems(not the making love part, i got that covered), but i too thought that when she got here and she started working , then things would even out.Well, she got here, could not get a job she would take because she had little english skills. Got used to watching the spanish soap operas, got hooked up with some mexican frineds(my wife is from Cali, not Mexico) , who even with my warning her of there intentions, told  her they loved her, and she was not really shocked(cannot prove anything though)and he did it in front of me in my own house drinking my BOOZE (xoxo2929393MF).

She was basicly as lazy here as she was in Cali. My advice to any of you guys out there that wants/needs your wife to work here in the states, DO NOT GET INVLOVED WITH A WOMAN THAT HAS NEVER HAD A JOB. Cali is bad for Colombian men setting up women in apartments and paying for everything in there lives just for the right to come by whenever they want to( I liken it to prostitution, but many may think different)and then when the guy tires of her, guess what, she is at an agency, you meet her and , well then you get a bad situation.

I know i went on a little away from the original post, but i really do not want guys to go down to Colombia with the thoughts that they will find the PERFECT LATINA. she does not exist in my opinion and they tend to be quite LAZY at least in Cali. I think it is different in maybe Bogota .

Thanks for the vent and i wish you luck with your wife when she arrives.

Andy

I agree with the whole "never had a job" advice. I eliminate and amazing number of potential profiles over things like She demands that you accept her children but will not accept yours. Yep keep away from that one.

Pete

Jealousy to the degree that you described would be such a turn-off to me that I would be seriously considering an "hasta la vista baby"

Zack

Why her friend wants to split us up would be another good thread: Latina Friends.  My wife has told me enough to be interesting and I watched what happened with my ex.  When the board slows down again I'll throw that out.

I haven't been very concerned because I believe she's not seeing anyone on the side.  They're just lovesick and lonely.  There just aren't enough slender women with long hair here in Dallas to satisfy the demand.

Still, I agree that there is a large double-standard here and I'm working on resolving that.  As I say, I think if she was working it would take her mind off of the jealousy a great deal.

Steve

Watch those Mexican guys. Read my post to your original Post. The Mexican guys are really a lot of trouble.

Andy

If I were you I would throw her accusations right back in her face and say:

"If anyone in this relationship should be suspicious, it should be me. You don't see me accepting gifts from some lady. You are a young, beautiful lady and almost any man would jump you in a minute. I don't have as many temptations. So why are you the one in this relationship who is obcessed with finding ME guilty of infidelity?"

I'm not saying she's unfaithful, but I think she needs a wake up call and a taste of her own medicine. All things considered, she is way out of line to be so jealous and full of accusations.

Zack

However, I haven't tossed all the other gifts.  We did send back a pair of panties which were not very sexy.  True story.  Please guys, if you send her underwear make it some sexy thongs.  We bought a pair recently that have a chain on the back strap.  Very nice touch.

Steve

And one man actually sent her panties that she would have kept if they were sexy. And SHE is the one obcessed with jealousy and accusations??

This is starting to sound like something that belongs on the Jerry Springer show.

Zack

Steve

I don't know you at all.  But I think you are in serious need of some perspective on all this.  As far as her jealousy is concerned; my (AW) exwife was often quite jealous...and it baffled me for a long time, until I had a psychological epiphany...she was jealous primarily because of HER ABILITY TO CONSIDER INFIDELITY.  In other words, who is the most suspicious person, unable to trust anyone or anything?  The conman.

...but as far as strange men sending her almost any gift (to say nothing of intimate ones) is positively insane.  Simply put, you are her man, her caretaker...allowing her to (solicit? inspire? accept?) gifts from men essentially sends the message that she is willing to consider other offers.  As a single man, thats how I see it at any rate.

Not trying to cause trouble.  In fact it seems like you are trying to be a reasonable person...maybe trying too hard?

Ciao

Your situation sounds very similar to mine (except I don't work 12 hour days anymore, only 8 or 9).  

I would point out that while my wife seems to greatly enjoy our lovemaking I think there may be another reason for wanting sex so often.  If a woman is afraid she is going to loose her man she may see more sex as a solution for a couple of reasons:

1 - He will want to stay with her because she is giving him so much pleasure.

2 - He won't be unfaithful with another woman because she has already satisfied him.  But that wears off after a few hours so it's time for another dose.

Interesting sidenote:  There are some special things she says she would never do with the father of her children (who she lived with for about 7 years) even though he begged her.  She does them for me and I never even had to ask.  The guys here giving her gifts would be flabbergasted if they knew what they are missing.

Steve

As for phone numbers any good looking woman is going to be propositioned and given phone numbers. Karina says thank you and than throws the number in the trash. Good looking women have learned that saying no often leads to the man getting angry or pushing harder or being mean.  So their best exit is to accept and trash.
At the same time many of these foreign women are naïve and think the guy is just being friendly. We know this is not the case. Karina was telling me how this guy in her English school was giving her so much attention and always asking if he can do this and that for her and writing her notes that she would show me. I told her this guy likes you more than just a friend but she said no he is just a friend and does not have such interest. Well one day when she was with all her friends he proposed his love for her. Afterwards she told me she could not believe this even though I had warned her this was where it was going and what men’s true intentions are. Only after this did she tell the guy they could no longer be friends and that she would no longer talk to him even though he repeatedly tried to apologize. Some lessons have to be learned first hand.
Is her English teacher Latin? I have also learned that most Latin men do not respect another man’s marriage. It is hard for many American Latin men to understand why a Latina would date a white man. Prior to my marriage I went out with a lot of American Latinas. We would sometimes double date with other Latin couples that were friends with my girl and even thought the guys were outwardly friendly with me, when alone with my woman they would always ask her why she was dating a white man and not a Latin man. They would respond back in friendly way, but in private they would tell me they would never go out with a Latin man. Machismo blinds the Latin man.
Karina’s mom still gets love letters for Karina from Colombian men from her University she never dated or had an interest in. They know she is married they know she is out of the country yet they feel an expression of their love is all they need to get the woman. I’ve notice the same thing in many successful men that are use to getting what they want so attempting to get a married woman is just another challenge, even though they themselves are married.

You actually brought up many issues that don’t have any quick and easy answers. As for some of your feedback I would not be listening to any guys without a good looking woman telling you how you should treat one. Most of these Latin women are “feelings” oriented play to this level in romance but don’t do so by playing games back. If you continue to be mature and responsible and fair it will hopefully rub off. Never flip the coin on her it can be a detrimental victory. You have the right belief,

“if she wants to be with another man I don't want her to be with me.”
I agree.
So tomorrow how about getting her an inexpensive surprise gift it is well worth the small effort and I am going to do the same.

Thanks for the thoughtful response.  I think you are correct.  A lot of the responses here sound like the men feel very insecure.  Of course, they will deny that.  Still, I want her to be careful about not sending the wrong signals and we are going to talk about that.

Steve

Steve