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I know how I handled this situation was perhaps not the way everyone would have. But I am not quite as cold as some might think I am. I knew if I spent time going back and forth in person, that you really don’t accomplish the closure that’s needed. Either, I would have gotten upset listening to all her justifications…Or if she had asked for my forgiveness, I would have perhaps been sucked into a compassion mode and given into an attempt to work it through with her. (But is a heavy heart of hurt/pain and doubt anyway to enter into marriage?) (Would I, could I have been in the right frame of mind regarding my future trust of her?) These and many other questions should be asked and or delt with before real trust and honesty can be reestablished in a situation like this at least for me. Time, time is also needed to redevelop that trust…that is a commodity we didn’t have. Logic, intuition and experiance revealed the sum of my conclusion and I didn't like the bottom line. This along with the evidence I gained of the possibility of other developing relationships she was working on before she came over here lead me to conclude; That if she couldn’t even wait through the 90 day K1 waiting period without trying another relationship out to subsidize me, that indeed I would have been in for even a bigger fall after being married and I wasn’t going to risk that given the current evidence.

We all have to make tough decisions in life, we make them given the information, knowledge, intuition and experience we have been provided with through living. I am all for forgiveness and second chances but not this time.

Zeb

... in response to Reasoning it through..., posted by Zebson on Jul 25, 2001

I wondered if I did the wrong thing.  Got deeper and deeper.  Once there were kids I had to stay for their sake.  Still it got worse and worse.  But me, I was cool and calm and took all the abuse. Became diabetic, had a heart attack, declared bancruptcy, lost everything, spent years 2nd guessing myself, had every decision and choice questioned and reviewed as if I was worthless.  Humiliated and constantly insulted in front of my children, occasionally others - but still I took it and hung in there.  Can't begin to count the times I spent the night awake wondering if I was doing the right thing.  The hours of prayer trying to understand.

You did the right thing and I think in the right way - for you.  So did I - for me.  Sorry its gonna hurt a while as you can see from reading post my me, Humabdos, Kevin, Swadow, and just about everyone else posting on this board.  But I do know that all women aren't like her and as soon as your sore butt is healed get back up on that horse again. Chalk it all up to a long, painful and expensive trainng session in asking more questions and detailing more of your expectations.

Bear

... in response to Reasoning it through..., posted by Zebson on Jul 25, 2001

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but once she is here legally under ANY kind of a Visa, student, fiance, tourist, she can marry anyone she wants and apply for a chnage of Visa status.  She doesn't have to marry the person that got her here.

The INS doesn't like it but can't stop her as long as she is here legally and they don't send her back to apply for a new Visa, she gets to stay and wait for her change in status.

... in response to She Doesn't have to go Back!, posted by Bubba on Jul 25, 2001

I know that the K1 was granted to HER AND HIM, with
the intention of her marrying within the 90 days
conditonal on his ability to support her, which was
met or the visa would not have been granted.
    The k1 is for the purpose of her marrying him
within 90 days, period, or she must go back to her
country.

... in response to thats wat i thought, posted by outwest77 on Jul 26, 2001

Thats how it was issued but once she is here legally, she can do anything and then request a change of status.

... in response to She Doesn't have to go Back!, posted by Bubba on Jul 25, 2001

The K1 is different. She has to get back to her country or she will be out of status even is she tries or marry other American citizen. With the kind of visa she can just marry the petitiones. At least that is what I understood from the old Alvena's pages.

... in response to She Doesn't have to go Back!, posted by Bubba on Jul 25, 2001

Not the words of a immigration lawyer, but the Fiance Visa is different from other visas. The fiance either marries within the 90 day period the PETITIONER or returns to PHILS. and re-applies. It would be different if she came on a tourist or student visa and married. The K-1 was granted, not only on the eligibility of the recipient, but also the petitioner ie., Aff of Support and all supporting docs and proofs of meeting and relationship, I-129F Petition etc. Remember "Mary"?...Came here on K-1, fiance put her in sleazy unfurnished Apt. When she wouldn't consent to sex until after their wedding, he just stayed home with his wife(yup, he's married) and abandoned her. Even with sponsors the INS nixed any AOS and sent her back....

... in response to Re: She Doesn't have to go Back or Does ..., posted by FL on Jul 25, 2001

FL,

I believe you are right. The K-1 Fiance Visa is a non-immigration visa, with the intent of immigration through adjustment of status.

Dave H.

... in response to Good Point!, posted by Dave H2O on Jul 25, 2001

...(AOS) by marrying the petitioner.

DAve H.

... in response to She Doesn't have to go Back!, posted by Bubba on Jul 25, 2001

I understand what you're saying about her marrying someone else and applying for a change of status.  But the 90 day rule is still running on her, isn't it?

Stephen

... in response to She Doesn't have to go Back!, posted by Bubba on Jul 25, 2001

Bubba, while that may be true. Because you legally can't force them to leave....But from my stand point, as long as I file the current status with the INS that she did not follow through on the K1 intenary from that stand point when they do find her via social security number tracing, they will deport her.

Zeb

... in response to Re: She Doesn't have to go Back!, posted by Zebson on Jul 25, 2001

Zeb,

My only point was you have to file FIRST, if she marries while you just wait for the visa to expire then she WINS.

As long as her Visa is valid, she can apply for a change of Visa status without statisfy the terms of the visa she has now.

If you notify the INS now and they change the Visa status then she isn't legal and then they would deport her once they find her but it's up to you!

... in response to Re: Re: She Doesn't have to go Back!, posted by Bubba on Jul 25, 2001

Bubba..yes, you are correct about that. I am in the process of preparing my registered letter packet now and I have already sent some preliminary faxes off to the INS regarding this situation. Thanks for your input.

Zeb

... in response to Your right...., posted by Zebson on Jul 25, 2001

Hi Zeb,

I think that it is important that you CYA, just in case she tries to claim abuse. I could possibly see her claiming that she fled to the hotel to escape you. Documentation, witnesses and alibis couldn't hurt. I am sure that you have already thought of this. I am a little paranoid, because my formerly loving ex tried to set me up, then backed off when the police arrived.

Good Luck,

Dave H.

... in response to Watch your step..., posted by Dave H2O on Jul 25, 2001

I can't find mine or copies at the moment, but don't you assume $$ responsibility while she's here during her fiance visa by way of the Aff of Support?

... in response to Reasoning it through..., posted by Zebson on Jul 25, 2001

You escaped great pain. I would go and celebrate.

... in response to Reasoning it through..., posted by Zebson on Jul 25, 2001

n/t

... in response to Reasoning it through..., posted by Zebson on Jul 25, 2001

n/t

... in response to Reasoning it through..., posted by Zebson on Jul 25, 2001

Zeb:

You were COOL HEADED......Not Cold Hearted.  There is a big difference.

You faced the facts and knew the relationship was over.  You knew in your head what had to be done.  The relationship had to be severed quickly and finally.  Your way did just that.  No turning back.  It's over.  I'm on my way and you're outta here!

Also, you did not let yourself get weak and take her back for another chance.  Your plan avoided any chance of that.

Your plan did not provide for a face-to-face confrontation.  You knew the details and didn't need to hear any excuses.  If you had been face-to-face there could have been loud voices and possible touching (aka "physical violence".)  You had a good plan that simply and quickly got the job done.

Finally, as you mentioned there must be complete trust in order to build a relationship of marriage.  You have about 60 days left on the K-1 visa  and you have to be married or she's to go back to the Phils.  That's not enough time to rebuild and establish trust with her under these circumstances even if you wanted to.  

You did it right.

Stephen

... in response to Re: Reasoning it through..., posted by Stephen on Jul 25, 2001

Zebson,

Unlike Stephen I am not a lawyer so I can not give legal advice.  I just want you to remember that your ex-fiance could claim physical abuse as a grounds for not being deported.  You should be cautious for now becoz anything you say in a public forum such as this could be used by her to paint you in a negative light.

Cecil

... in response to Re: Re: Reasoning it through..., posted by Cecil on Jul 25, 2001

I think she would be able to stay here by claiming physical abused if Zeb would have married her. But of course I am not a lawer either.

... in response to Re: Re: Reasoning it through..., posted by Cecil on Jul 25, 2001

Yes, anything can be claimed.  Prooving it is another story.

But it would be good to keep away from her and not be caught in places with her where you are alone.

Stephen

... in response to Reasoning it through..., posted by Zebson on Jul 25, 2001

Nothing like a clean break. It's decisive and as you say, doesn't allow for getting sucked into "the compassion mode."
-- Jeff S.