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Hi All,

A friend has asked me to post this question.  He is 50 and seeking a wife in Vietnam.  He does not want to have children and wonders how early in corresponding he should raise this issue.

I tend to think it is an issue to raise early, but I am on the opposite side of the coin.  Having children, either with a woman or the woman's from a prior relationship, is very important to me so I raise it early on.

Any opinions on this?  Thanks,

Craig

... in response to Having Children, posted by Craigjjs on Nov 30, 2004

I understand where your friend is coming from being 51 myself. You didn't say what age woman he was looking for. Asking an early 20s woman to forgo children can be a knockout factor, but a more likely scenario is that she'll agree at first but then problems will arise later. Don222 had something like that happen - his story is in the archives. Your friend will be be far better off marrying a late 30s or 40s lady who either already has grown or nearly grown kids or has given up the idea that she'll be a mom. I married a thirtysomething lady with a pre-teen child, and enjoyed raising her daughter very much. I wasn't interested in having more children though, and now that the daughter is a college graduate and busy starting her career, our lifestyle is laid back, enjoyable and happy.

I'd say he has to bring up his desires early - well before strong feelings develop. While some women may move on quickly, he'l sort out the potential problems quickly. If he waits until the attachment grows, he risks the woman thinking everything will be just fine - thinking that love will conquer all, then, after its too late, regret her decision. Worse yet is the woman who says she'll agree then sets out to change you. That's not unusual - women thinking men are some sort of project to be molded into their vision of a good husband.

There's an old saying that men marry women hoping they never change - then they do and women marry men hoping they'll change - then they don't. Or as the character squirrel said in the movie, Dancer Texas, Population 81 said: "That's not how it works. Women don't go after nice guys. They go after bad guys and try to turn them into nice guys."

Honesty is always the best policy - the earlier the better IMO.

- Jeff

... in response to Having Children, posted by Craigjjs on Nov 30, 2004

I am 50 and my wife is pregnant with our 2nd child together, my 5th child overall.  I personally think its nothing short of cruel to marry a younger girl and decide that there will be no children.  It's like telling her she can never be a woman.  So IMHO I say he should wear "no children" like a sign and marry girls closer to his age or those who already have children.

The Bear Family