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In the past year I have spent 8 months in the Philippines.    I love the country very much, and I think the people and the culture are wonderful.   But,  a very big problem that I saw in all parts of the Philippines- the big cities as well as the small cities, is that many times foreigners are viewed as easy targets.   Many Filipinos feel that foreigners can and will give money, and expect absolutely nothing in return.
Many of my fiances neighbors and co-workers would ask how much money I was giving to her, and would then encourage her to lie to me for me to give her more money.  In the big cities and in the provinces it is common knowledge that many foreigners are giving money, buying houses, cars and more for filipinas and her families.   The attitude is that every foreigner is a millionaire that can easily give much money, and no consideration is ever given as to whether the man can afford to give away money.   Filipinas are encouraged to lie about medical bills, stolen property, and more in their quest to receive more money.   Filipinas are raised to believe that they are wholly responsible for for the financial well being of aging parents, and a tremendous pressure is placed upon the daughters to send money to the parents.  
I do not blame the many Filipinos that view foreigners as meal tickets.  I blame the foreigners.
Money easily obtained is not respected, and the source of the money is always viewed as limitless.
Too many men send far too much money to the Philippines.   Some men view it as a way to play the "knight in shining armor", and think they will be loved and respected for throwing money around.  Some men see the Philippines as a kind of "Wal-Mart of trophy brides", and think they can buy a young, beautiful bride on the cheap.  Some men see the poverty of the Philippines, and try to buy their way out of the guilt that they feel they when they think of how much they have, and how little the Filipinos have.
The problem with all of this is that Filipinos love to gossip.  Every Filipino knows exactly how much money every other Filipino is receiving, and they try to receive more.
I have visited small villages at the top of mountains, the people have no electricity, running water, or telephones, but they all know of Filipinas that have married foreigners.   These people talk about the houses the foreigner bought for the Filipina, and the money that is sent every month.
Again, I do not blame the Filipinos.  I blame the man that is sending so much money.  The men that send so much money are ruining it for the rest of us.   The girls are encouraged to ask for money.   The girls are encouraged to marry for money, and not love.  For the family it is like winning the lottery.
Do all Filipinas marry for money?   Of course not.   But the more money that is given by foreigners will only create more pressure on the women to ignore a man that they may love, and marry a foreigner to provide for her family.
While I was in the Philippines my fiance and I met many filipinas engaged or married to foreigners.  Almost all of the women would ask my fiance how much I was giving to her and her family because they wanted to compare.  It is not considered rude to talk about money in the Philippines, and it is a constant topic of conversation.  Fortunately my fiance would refuse to "compare" with the other filipinas.
The more time that I spent in the Philippines, the more disgusted I was with how easily and often I heard of men sending money.
The reason that I spent 8 months in the PI was to learn more about my fiance and her country and culture.
Many Filipinas do want to marry for love, and I have spent enough time with my fiance and her family to know that she is one of them.   I sat with my fiance as she explained to her family that America is a very expensive country in which to live, and that all we can afford to do is send a very small amount to her elderly mother every month.   All the family was happy that the mother would be helped a little, and none of them expressed an interest in money for themselves.
I think many men start off a relationship with a Filipina that has good intentions, but after the man starts giving away a lot of money, her family and friends will encourage her to marry for money, not love.
So please, let her love you for who you are, and not for how much money you have to give.

Don

... in response to Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

Quote:
"While I was in the Philippines my fiance and I met many filipinas engaged or married to foreigners. Almost all of the women would ask my fiance how much I was giving to her and her family because they wanted to compare. It is not considered rude to talk about money in the Philippines, and it is a constant topic of conversation. Fortunately my fiance would refuse to "compare" with the other filipinas.
The more time that I spent in the Philippines, the more disgusted I was with how easily and often I heard of men sending money." Unquote

Sounds familiar.  It happened to me too.  While I was engaged to my hubby, a friend of mine was also engaged to her penpal from Georgia who sends her $500.00 a month. She would tell us all how much she's getting from her fiance and would show us all the trinkets and clothes she bought with the money. She would also give her siblings and parents some of the money.  I was also asked how much I'm getting.  I would always say that I'd rather not ask for money as I have a good job and I can take care of myself. In fact I could buy the same trinkets and clothes with my OWN money.  Asking for money, even though he's my fiance is just not my cup of tea.

I'm still not asking for money even though we are married for the past 7 years (may I add happily). I'm working and making good money. We have a house that I find it joyful to decorate with.  I also have a good vehicle with all the bells and whistles.  I don't know, I feel so unworthy and helpless whenever I ask someone else for money.  My Dad instilled in me to be independent. I can honestly say that if (God forbid) something bad happens to my hubby, I can still provide comfortably for my son.

... in response to Money changes everything....., posted by Carrisse on Mar 25, 2001

You have now gone to the top of my list of filipinas
on the board. you have my utmost respect.

... in response to Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

Welcome back Don!

Let me first say that I fully agree with Tess.  In a recent letter to my penpal, I suggested that my pen pal's younger sister did not get married yet becoz filipinos prefer for the older sister get married first. she wrote back to tell me that all filipinos do not think alike.

I think that your post brings up a serious change in attitudes which I have observed in the Phils recently.  In the past, a filipina would rarely ask for money or gifts and those few who did said that they felt shamed.  I can say that recently virtually every filipina that I have written to has either asked for money or expensive gifts.  I even had a lady inquire what Christmas gift I was going to give her in her first letter.  I believe like Don that there is a few inexperienced men who try to buy a girl in the Phils rather than do the hard work of truly getting to know these ladies.  They shower these ladies with large sums of money but once they have won "the prize" they dump them for something better.  A good girl who normally would not ask for money is told by her friend about how much her pen pal is giving her.  The good girl thinks to herself that she is letting her family down by not asking for money.  She is told that all Americans are rich and $100 doesn't mean anything to them.  She is told that if you don't ask for it they won't give it to you.  I agree with Don that we should not be blaming the 20 year olds who ask for help but the 40 year old men who try to buy love.  I had one lady who asked me for assistance but in the next letter she wrote " please don't send any money becoz I have shamed my family by asking for your money"

Cecil

... in response to Re: Money....., posted by Cecil on Mar 24, 2001

That sounds like a nice girl. Good story.

... in response to Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

Thanks for sharing, it should help others to be more careful. I hope that you continue to post your views. :-) greg

... in response to Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

"Every Filipino knows exactly how much money every other Filipino is receiving, and they try to receive more" ?????So EVERY filipina is out for nothing but mo' $$$$$

... in response to Re: Money....., posted by FL on Mar 24, 2001

My mistake.  Please replace the word "every"  with "many"

... in response to Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

Don:

Good observations about Filipinos BUT you are talking about Filipinos in general (that's what i don't agree)

Not all americans are like Bill & Hillary, some are honest and noble. Not all blacks are like Jessie Jackson.

Good luck to you & Vilma.  It is good to hear from you.

Tess

... in response to Re: Money.....Tess Brittain (a good Fili..., posted by Stephen on Mar 24, 2001

I am generalizing, and I hope everyone understands that.
I also want to encourage more men to spend more more time in the PI before they marry a Filipina.  The more they know about the country, the more likely they are to find a good one, like you!

Don

... in response to Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

Well said, Don, I admire your guts for telling it like it is. Hope things are well for you and Vilma.

Regards, Tim

... in response to Re: Money....., posted by Tim on Mar 24, 2001

Thanks Tim,  you know how it is.  When you are in town I do my best writing.  But as soon as you leave.....;0)
Vilma and I are doing well.  America is still new and exciting to her.  She is meeting all my friends and family, and she is very happy to be here.  I know that homesickness  will occur soon, and I hope I can give her all that she needs to get through it as best as possible.
How is Wendy dealing with the homesickness?
Any words of wisdom you can pass along?

Don

... in response to Re: Re: Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

Well, there are a few things we've done to ease her homesickness. Some of them may not be an option for you, but they seem to have worked for us. I'll itemize:

1. Set aside a monthly budget for phone calls to friends and family in HK.
2. Set aside a budget to fly her home to visit friends and family. The real trick to this is to get her Advance Parole from the INS. She went back in December 2000, and she's going back for two weeks next month.
3. Invite her friends and family to visit us. This is viable since HK Chinese can get US tourist visas. We had two of our HK friends visit us last November, when we went to Disneyworld for our honeymoon.
4. Make sure your TV gets the International Channel. Most advanced basic cable packages carry it. They have alot of Chinese and Tagalog-language programs. Wendy watches the evening news in Cantonese each weeknight on the I.C., and it helps some. Especially to hear the news of Hong Kong events.
5. Encourage her to get on the internet and bookmark  websites with news from the Phillipines and ethnic foods for sale. This is a big thrill for Wendy.
6. Find the ethnic food restaurants of her country and take her there as often as you can.
7. Find another American-Filipina couple living near you to do social things with. Of course, pick this couple with caution (you know what I mean, make sure the influences on Vilma will be good ones).
8. Give her ALOT of attention. I've found that Wendy suffers the worst homesickness spells when I am away at work. When I come home in the evenings, she is fine. I have found I can compensate a little for this by giving her alot of extra attention in the evenings, and especially on the weekends.

That's all I can think of for now.

Regards, Tim

... in response to Re: Re: Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

will come later. Be sure you have filipino foods available in the kitchen. What i do when i feel homesick is cook my favorite Adobo....Fish with heads helps also.

Tess

... in response to Homesickness.......tess, posted by Stephen on Mar 24, 2001

Just trying to add a bit of corny humor.  When feeling down think of something funny or read something that might make you laugh.

I love and I hate this board.  This board can really put me in a bad mood sometimes.  Sometimes this board can give practical advice.  Sometimes it's a social outlet when people share their trip stories.

And sometimes this board can be a vehicle for laughter.  I've read posts that have made me choke with laughter.  That's one reason why I love this board.

One day at work, I read something on this board that cracked me up.  It was quite a challenge to not laugh, and I kept bursting out the first laugh, but caught myself.  tears came out of my eyes because I was trying so hard not to laugh.

Through this incident, I e-mailed Analyn.  Itold her about having to restrain my self from laughing. One of the next e-mail replies from her said something like, "It's good to know that these people are making you laugh.  It means that you're happy.  That you already fogot about your past problem."

- Kevin

... in response to Holy Fish Heads Batman !!!, posted by kevin on Mar 24, 2001

It's OK to laugh. It is even OK to eat fish heads, but watch out for the fish eyes! Do you ever feel like someone is starring at you while using the CR? 8      :o))

Dave H.

... in response to Holy Fish Farts Buttman !!!, posted by Dave H on Mar 24, 2001

For us Filipinas a fish is not complete without those eyes staring at us and they taste good too. You have to try it.

Tess

... in response to Re: Holy Fish Farts Buttman !!!...tess, posted by Stephen on Mar 25, 2001

I'm sure that poor fish isn't happy.  If that fish were still alive, it would not be happy to realize what it was actually seeing.  (jokingly)

- Kevin

... in response to Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

Which is the true god in the Philippines?  I saw this in the vain that although America is a much more secular society than the Philippines, and many Americans do take alot for granted materially, it is still socially unacceptable to worship money to the extreme as to hurt others.

For the sake of argument, let's say I had a wealthy auntie, who had a stroke, and was on the bed as a vegetable.  It was costing alot in medical bills to keep her breathing.  If I waited at her bedside everyday like a vulture, walking around in circles because each day passed, I'd be regarded as dirty, selfish and avaricious, whether I was middle class or poor.  I've been bred to believe that this kind of attitude is fundamentally morally wrong.

Things that have been strongly preached in my circle (family, friends, coworkers) is "stay away from Philippine girls [or other Asians].  If they express an interest in you, it means they're after something [you're money]".

Some won't like what I'm about to quote.  I didn't like it either.  After my divorce, I was dating and fell in love with a Filipina I met here in the states.  I'd just mentioned something about her to my step-mother.  Her reaction:  "You're stupid!!!  You're lucky you got out of your divorce easy!!  Now you're seeing another Filipina!  I have lost all respect for the entire culture.  They're a bunch of gypsies who don't want to work and think that the rest of the world owes them everything!"

What she said stung, but, I hate to say this, there is some merit behind it.  It was probably exaggerated to the extreme.  My girlfriend of the time was indeed very secretive and materially concealing a strategic, hidden agenda.  That stuff surfaced later and it was not easy, but it saved me from peril.  It did bother me everytime I'd see her, she'd always ask me to bring her something, but what ever I brought her was no good, and other kin would talk of me as being no good (because I didn't lavish her with expensive gifts).  When our relationship ended, one might think that I flagrantly abused and mistreated my ex-girlfriend after the things she said.  My real shortcoming with her:  I didn't know how to treat a woman because I never bought her nice things.

In hindsight, I'm free.  Life is tough enough as it is.  I'd rather be a free spirit than be seduced and trampled upon.

As for my step-mother's attitudes about Filipinas, I think it's mellowed out a bit.  There are alot of Pinoys in her parish whom she has becomne friends with who are respectable people.  She now thinks what happened to me is typical in marrying someone from a Third World countries where fundamental values and morals can conflict.  Whenever this subject is brought up, she stongly says, "You're not going to write to somebody again!  It's too risky.  You'll have no money when you retire! etc.  You should do volunteer work.  Join clubs.  Work in church activities to socialize!  That's how you might meet a good woman!".

Oh, well.  This is the reason why I'm more "in the closet" now about my present relationship.  I will hear too many negatives and be personally attacked (with the "constructive criticism" approach), and insulted if I open up about it to the wrong people.  Well, I'm attracted to Filipina women, and I have to look to where they are available.

About Filipinas and money, I've already been insulted for one of my "shortcomings" although not by my pen-pal (I sure hope it wasn't indirect or subtle).  My pen-pal was showing letters and pictures to a friend.  I have sent her some money, but not large sums.  I sent money to help her with correspondence costs.  Hopefully the friendship/courtship revolves around me as a person, not because I'm a target to suck money out of until dry.

My pen-pal's friend also asked how much money I sent.  Well, her friend described my as "some kind of thrifty person because of the small amount of the money".  My pen-pal defended me by saying it's because I'm still in school.  Well, that's not the true reason.  Yes I am in graduate school part-time.  I also work full-time.  I live within a budget too.  If I didn't, I would lose what I've worked to acquire all of my life (home, financial security, etc.).

All I can do is hope and pray that I'm involved with somebody who truly cares about me for me.  I don't like it when others (Pinays in the Philippines) step in and slam me for being cheap or stingy because I didn't send my girlfriend large sums (and I wouldn't unless it was for something important).

The ideal woman for me is to find a good Filipina who can be happy wearing blue-jeans and sneakers in America.  I wouldn't have to live with the stress of grappling with the elusive wherewithal to please her materially or keep up with the Joneses.  Short of finding a woman with that kind of mindset, I'm better off single.

Well, I think I said enough.  I don't mean to act Holy as I 'm guilty of alot of sins.  But I do have to say that a moral indoctrination in my is what Jeseus said about marriage and money.  If the desire of money is the root of all evil, then a marriage motivated by the desire for money will surely be doomed.  Jesus also preached the importance and sanctity of marriage in and of itself, the union of a man and a woman.  Well, for a union to be made, there'd better be two-way love and commitment.

- Kevin

... in response to Jesus or money?, posted by kevin on Mar 24, 2001

Generally, I feel that if she REALLY loves/cares about you, she won't ask you for money. Pretty simple, huh? There might come a time where she needs a small amount for some legit emergency, of course, how can you tell if she's there & you're here.

Andrew777

... in response to Re: Jesus or money?, posted by Andrew777 on Mar 24, 2001

I think sometimes American men try to pretend that the Philippines is not really that poor becoz they don't want to face the fact that the economic situation is the main reason many of these ladies are writing to 50 year old divorced men.  The Phils unfortunately is one of the poorest nations on the earth in the same category as Haiti or Bengladesh.  As Tneal put it everyone in the Phils has a legitimate reason for needing money.

... in response to Re: Jesus or money?, posted by Andrew777 on Mar 24, 2001

Andrew,

I don't want to judge other Filipinas. Their circumstances are different and they are individuals. As for my fiancee, she has never asked for money or anything else. Her family has gone hungry and she has lost weight (90lbs.-?). She has never said anything about this to me and always tells me "everything is fine." She "does not want to add to my burdens." I only found this out from her Kano brother-in-law. Then, only when I asked how she was really doing. I have not been asked for support in any way. When I have tried to send money it has been politely refused. I finally sent money several times by Western Union. Then I called and told my fiancee that it was already there waiting to be picked up. She had no choice but to accept. Even then, there was great guilt and shame. I was told that I shouldn't have, that things were "not so bad," that I should "use the money for my children."

Filipinos are used to dealing with adversity. It is a part of their daily lives. They accept it. Not asking for money can be a bad thing too. What I spend going out to dinner on a Friday night, could easily feed them for a month. It is no great sacrifice (I wouldn't even notice it) for me to send a little money now and then, that would make their lives much more tolerable. I actually wouldn't mind sending it on a regular basis, knowing that they are eating well and buying medicine when sick. I would not send money to just anyone, without being sure about the relationship. I am engaged and have filed for the K-1 Visa. I have been with them and know where the money goes...it isn't for clothes, jewelry, and nights on the town. I "trust" my fiancee.

I never thought that I would ever say the word "trust" when reffering to a woman again. :o) This may have been the first time in years, that I have actually said that I "trust". If it can happen to Bear and me...there is hope for everyone. :o))

Dave H.

... in response to Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

Don,

I think I know what you’re trying to say, but I don’t understand your obvious passion on the subject of other people’s money and what they do with it. Some people don’t place as much importance on money as others and maybe they like to spend it or give it away simply because they don’t need it or much want it. Maybe that money the other guy is sending to his fiancée’s family is money that he would have spent on booze or cigarettes or pissed away gambling.  Who knows and who cares?

My feeling on the subject is that it’s none of my business how you or anyone else spend your hard-earned money. When you say things like “The men that send so much money are ruining it for the rest of us”, you almost sound jealous or insecure because they somehow make you appear cheap in comparison. Just an observation, no flames intended.

Surely there will always be those who gossip, lie or marry for material wealth. And there will also be those who, for whatever reason, like to give their own money away. But I don’t think you or I can do anything to change them, so why lose any sleep over it? My advice would be to stop worrying about the other guy and concentrate your full attention on your own family. Life is just too short.

I wish you and Vilma a long and happy future together.

Ray

... in response to Re: Money....., posted by Ray on Mar 24, 2001

What do you mean, its the guys business if they want to send
money, and does not matter if they want to give it away.
This is not a charity we are talking about is it? Is that
what it has come down to, who can give away the most money.?
    If they guy is sending money to his girl, he is doing
it with the full intention of helping her out, and her family, and possibly making himself feel like a savior.
    But, if that is what the relationship is based on,
he is headed for disaster....And yes, the men who send
large sums are for the most part, spoiling it for the others,since the western men are looked upon as chumps.
and easy targets, and money trees.
    the whole thing is starting to make me sick .

... in response to Re: Money....., posted by Ray on Mar 24, 2001

Hi Ray,
 You are right, my first priority is and should be my own family.  Vilma is now my family, and in my desire to learn more about about her country and culture I spent a lot of time getting to know her family and friends.
Most of Vilma's close friends and family never asked for anything, they only wanted to make sure that I was a good person that would take care of Vilma.   But then the distant friends and families started showing up asking for money.
The prevailing attitude is that foreigners will give away money for nothing, and what is the harm in asking for some.
 Poverty is everywhere in the PI, and poverty leads to desperation. Many Filipinos are desperate to have a better life, and think nothing about lying to receive a little more money.  So many foreigners are giving away money that instead of focusing on working hard or getting an education, many filipinos focus all their attention on marrying a foreigner.
 For example, if I had a rich uncle that gave me a thousand dollars every time I saw him.  Would I see him more often?
I probably would.  Would I go out of my way to see him, and ignore the fact that I do not like him?  I probably would.
A thousand dollars is a lot of money to me, and he is giving it away for nothing.
 I would never marry for money because I do not live in overwhelming poverty. But many Filipinos do live in overwhelming poverty, and the easy way out for them is to have their daughter marry a foreigner.
 Many of the men on this board have expressed a fear that a Filipina will marry them for money and not love.  The best way to guarantee that this fear will come true is to freely give away money.  If the Filipinos know that the only thing they have to gain is a happy marriage than they will focus focus on making sure the people involved are compatible, but if easy money is involved, then the focus is on obtaining that easy money.
 I know that most Filipinas do not marry for money, and I also know that many foreigners do not freely give away much money.  But,  I saw so many examples of Filipinas marrying for the wrong reasons that I thought I would share my thoughts and opinions.  No one has to listen to what I say, but I do have the benefit of spending more than just a few weeks in the Philippines.

Don

... in response to Money....., posted by don2222 on Mar 24, 2001

and very true. My trip report will cooberate much of what you say here.  Larry.